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Loneliness

I was with the same girl for almost five years, we were both heroin addicts and went through a lot together, We were homeless for two years living under bridges or off to the side of the high way, we were almost never apart, and when we were I felt like half myself was missing. A few weeks ago I caught the bitch cheating on me for the third time, and while still willing to forgive her just so she'd come back to me, she was gone, ran off with some dude because he had dope and cash and I didn't. I had also just learned that my father has stage 4 lung cancer, less than a year probably to live, and she was supposed to get off the streets with me and move in with my family.

So I found myself alone in the ghetto for another two weeks before my mother came and fetched me, and now I've been alone in Columbus Ohio for the past two weeks, staying clean, but struggling my ass off every day. All my friends were in Cali or NY, I have no one here, no independence, I can't even fucking drive and I miss my girl so fucking bad regardless of the fact that she's an evil bitch for doing this shit to me. That's why I'm manically responding to basically every thread on bluelight once again, because its the only sense of community I have any more that I can find people who relate to me. It sucks to be alone bro, what keeps me going is my art-but its kind of superficial/revenge inspired "I'll show her, look how pretty my feathers are" kind of thing...But who says your intentions for doing something have to be so altruistic, as long as it makes me feel a little better I'm fine with it .
 
^hopefully you can take this needed time away to refresh your perspective and know you deserve somebody to treat you right, especially yourself. I hope you start to heal soon <3
 
koalabear135 said:
life is pointless, everything is pointless, we are merely the product of a natural process with the binding of certain elements to create complex organisms. you are as biologically valid as anyone else. There is nothing to do, there's no reason, in reality, to do anything. Now i know this can seem morbid, but you need to drop the constructs of your perception of your universe. Trying to ope with this in my younger years got me very much near the description you have depicted. but ultimately i found strength in it. There is no reason to do anything, so you are completely as liberty to make your reasons for anything in this world. there is not good or bad, evil and holy. there simply is, if you want to do drugs, do drugs, you will move on and time will pass, opportunities will arise and the world will be a completely different place relative to where you are now, time has a way of helping all perspective issues. Nothing is sacred, anything that can physically be done, can be done. we are all able to do anything if its in this objective reality. finding reason and purpose is fleeting and will usually just make you listen to lies.
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I love you for saying this. There are people who still have the will to marry, reproduce,etc. I don't. I used to believe in love and that kept me trying, but those are only fleeting feelings. People will abandon you and move on. I have no hopes or dreams, not outgoing like I used to be. Basically a shut in. When you realize everything means nothing, what's the point in getting up. I forced myself off the couch on the treadmill and that helps. Ultimately I know I want nothing at all. Even If I were in the best shape. My brain wants me dead and is focused on self-destruction.
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
I love you for saying this. There are people who still have the will to marry, reproduce,etc. I don't. I used to believe in love and that kept me trying, but those are only fleeting feelings. People will abandon you and move on. I have no hopes or dreams, not outgoing like I used to be. Basically a shut in. When you realize everything means nothing, what's the point in getting up. I forced myself off the couch on the treadmill and that helps. Ultimately I know I want nothing at all. Even If I were in the best shape. My brain wants me dead and is focused on self-destruction.
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I certainly know this feeling.^^ Hopes, dreams, these are all based on a future that is non existent. This moment is everything. Subjectively we give this moment meaning, we can't help it from what I can tell. Creatures of complex thought that can look ahead. But for the addict that sees through the veil, sees that it's just a little man behind the curtain, all the things that used to give meaning fall into a heap of chaff at their feet. Only our impermanence lies ahead and we see it all to clearly.
. Because now we know there is no future and now we see we've been taught and trained to put our hopes and dreams on something that never existed we may feel despair and loss and loneliness because we have lost our ability to live in this moment.

I don't have an answer for this except what I find at times in the moment. When for a moment I manage to stop and just be. This one shining moment I inhabit for just this moment. A moment that I'm not in pain, a moment that my two tiny amazing dogs dance for me out of the joy of never having the burden of complex thought or knowing what lies ahead. And they make me smile. And then the moment is gone. And now what?
 
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Cosmic Trigger said:
I certainly know this feeling.^^ Hopes, dreams, these are all based on a future that is non existent. This moment is everything. Subjectively we give this moment meaning, we can't help it from what I can tell. Creatures of complex thought that can look ahead. But for the addict that sees through the veil, sees that it's just a little man behind the curtain, all the things that used to give meaning fall into a heap of chaff at their feet. Only our impermanence lies ahead and we see it all to clearly.
. Because now we know there is no future and now we see we've been taught and trained to put our hopes and dreams on something that never existed we may feel despair and loss and loneliness because we have lost our ability to live in this moment.

I don't have an answer for this except what I find at times in the moment. When for a moment I manage to stop and just be. This one shining moment I inhabit for just this moment. A moment that I'm not in pain, a moment that my two tiny amazing dogs dance for me out of the joy of never having the burden of complex thought or knowing what lies ahead. And they make me smile. And then the moment is gone. And now what?
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"Now what?" is what it all boils down to. When you don't have the will to live, it's difficult to come up with a new goal. I have to find something that makes me want to keep going and is worth the ENERGY. Everything takes too much damn energy.
Yes, there are beautiful moments like with your dogs. Or beautiful moments when I force myself to concerts and enjoy it. When your life is mainly painful and you FINALLY have a wonderful moment, it's best to enjoy it while it lasts. It goes away too soon and "Now what?"

Life is like wading through a tall pile of steaming shit just to get a "moment" when it feels ok. It's exhausting. Try to hold on to anything you love like your dogs to keep you going. For me it can be TV or movies, music or comedy as a distraction. Distractions, distractions, drugs, alcohol and more distractions just to keep you holding on for whatever reason.
 
CoastTwoCoast said:
"Now what?" is what it all boils down to. When you don't have the will to live, it's difficult to come up with a new goal. I have to find something that makes me want to keep going and is worth the ENERGY. Everything takes too much damn energy.
Yes, there are beautiful moments like with your dogs. Or beautiful moments when I force myself to concerts and enjoy it. When your life is mainly painful and you FINALLY have a wonderful moment, it's best to enjoy it while it lasts. It goes away too soon and "Now what?"

Life is like wading through a tall pile of steaming shit just to get a "moment" when it feels ok. It's exhausting. Try to hold on to anything you love like your dogs to keep you going. For me it can be TV or movies, music or comedy as a distraction. Distractions, distractions, drugs, alcohol and more distractions just to keep you holding on for whatever reason.
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Oh I agree with you completely. I have friend, an ex gf actually who is maybe the most mentally healthy person I've ever known. She said to me the other day that "if humans were ever truly happy that time has passed, now we are all just living in coping mode". So if she feels like life is down to just coping then I know we are in the shit house. Frankly I don't see that overall life IS worth living. I'm just waiting for the perfect storm when I can overcome my personal fears of death/impermanence and check out. And frankly I don't see anything wrong or weak in seeing things this way.

In the meantime I'll do whatever I can to enjoy the little time my little unimportant life has left and if that means shooting up or whatever then that's just dandy. It's actually very freeing to see things this way. At least for me. I'm free to just do whatever I think will pass the time with the least suffering. For me that's my dogs, and a walk in the sun with them, listening to and playing a few good tunes, reading a book, watching a movie and opiates. It's not much really and it's ultimately no cure for how little I want to be on this planet with all this insanity and brutality and suffering but in the meantime it's going to have to do.

I wish you the very best on your journey. I totally grok where you are coming from and I think I like you for that. It's refreshingly honest. A rare trait in homo sapiens.
 
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I relate to you a lot. Hang in there as long as you can. I understand why you feel the way you do, but if I found out something happened to you, I would be very sad. It's so nice to connect with you because we're on the same page.
 
Thank you friend. Everything passes, I will go and you will go and all the things we love along with all this heartbreak will go. It's the nature of things in this reality. The reality we just dropped into for what reason we will never know. I really don't want to hang in as long as I can. I want to go as soon as I can actually. At this moment of typing this I feel no regret in saying that. My life has been very hard. I was savagely abused by my father and my mother allowed it. I'll never get over that. However I have forgiven it to the best of my ability. I have found a way to love in spite of the savageness, fear, loneliness, and anxiety of my childhood. It's an accomplishment I am truly amazed at. There is something truly wonderful about me in spite of the mess. I've never really believed that before or been able to acknowledge it openly but now I do. I will never thrive on this planet but I have found a way at last to love and value myself and others. Part of that self love is to acknowledge I'm an addict through no fault of my own. I had to do it to cope and survive. And part of that self love is to acknowledge that I don't want to live like this in a world like this without any shame or self loathing for feeling this way.

I have no idea how long I'll continue to be here. I'm living day by day now and minute by minute. I like it better this way. So in the mean time:D I'll continue to play with the things I love and endure the hard shit as best I can.

I'm so glad we have had a chance to connect like this. PM me if you ever feel the desire. I love to talk lol. I didn't have anyone to talk to as a child so I'm makin up for lost time. I have posted over at the Shroomery for the last 10 years and am pushing 100,000 posts. Pretty crazy huh!

Take care.
 
Ice isolates, in my experience anyway. On and off meth for the past 4 years and feeling the sting of loniness is relatable. Having gone through rehabs, therapy groups, phycologist and NA I found that yeah, i kinda made friends. Although, absolutely no one stayed in contact other then a few drug offers due to relapses. Spending all my time in these groups, I feel I missed a fundamental time to get back amongst normality and experience a natural environment. Perhaps, if I hadn't been so concerned and invested in this "big" problem I was facing, I could of had the chance to step aside and relies my peers (non addicts) also struggle with obstacles in life and are also having to put strategyies into place in order to cope. I now wonder interacting with my peers watching and learning instead of sitting around in a circle getting educated on CBT, ACT, mindfulness meditation, addiction and the 'disease' of our brains, how would have this story played out, worse, better, indifferent. I find im packed full of the theory of how, why and what but havnt managed the act of prac.


In regards to your question, yes totally get amongst sobriety groups etc, but find avenues to bring you back to a real reality.
 
Don't victimise babe, grab a hold of hope and faith. I'll never give up giving up, because no one deserves to die in addiction.

Back in the 40s and earlier, people where neglected, forgotten and unfixabld if they had a mental or physical disability. Trying to fathom behaviour of that sort today is unthinkingable. I have faith that one day, addiction will be looked upon in the same manner, unfathomable.

I believe one day in the future, we will have an equal understand of the mind/thought as we currently do the body.
 
iv been lonely most of my life..even FAD means forever alone dude...
when i had close mates, they never stay true, loyal and honest...and that what ticks me off the most, that i can be those 3 things, and others dont. i'm a misanthrope, and totally fine and happy with it.. .
been "suffering" loneliness for so long, used so many drugs to numb it...now i do drugs because i like them and i dont have much( or i have a fatigue syndrome ) to do and am lazy af. also iv been a cat person my whole life...this last year when i got myself a dog, holy shit...i managed to stay sober for almost 2 months even...dogs are a nice way to help to overcome loneliness and depression, at least for me it worked.
anyways, my main point is fuck ppl, because whenever they have the chance to fuck with you, most of them will do it, that's what li have learned from life. so never take humans seriously, never set any expectations for them...mostly disappointment will follow ...so man/woman, take it chill, light a spliff, pop a benzo, maybe get some good dope if it's available, or nothing of those, whatever...it's your life, live like you want it causing as less suffering as possible to other humans, no matter how scummy or rotten they might be.
 
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I've been alone for days. I think that's why I appreciate Bluelight because it feels like I am connecting when I read about other people's experiences and know exactly what that feels like. I'm trying to keep myself busy with tasks and hobbies but they are so reinforcing of my tina habit because hobbies and tasks are fucking great on meth. I can't really leave the house this week because earlier this week I took loads of Phenylephrine with my Tina and for some reason went on the worst picking rampage with a metal tool I snapped off a ringbinder. My face is a horrorshow, perhaps loneliness has its advantages, at least I don't have any socialising commitments to keep this week...

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I find that after a k-hole I find so much meaning in being alone that it cheers me up for a few days. I genuinely think Ketamine works as an anti-depressant for me, but the afterlife experience is addictive...more problems.

afriendoftina <3
 
afriendoftina said:
I've been alone for days. I think that's why I appreciate Bluelight because it feels like I am connecting when I read about other people's experiences and know exactly what that feels like. I'm trying to keep myself busy with tasks and hobbies but they are so reinforcing of my tina habit because hobbies and tasks are fucking great on meth. I can't really leave the house this week because earlier this week I took loads of Phenylephrine with my Tina and for some reason went on the worst picking rampage with a metal tool I snapped off a ringbinder. My face is a horrorshow, perhaps loneliness has its advantages, at least I don't have any socialising commitments to keep this week...

I'm not sure if this is helpful, but I find that after a k-hole I find so much meaning in being alone that it cheers me up for a few days. I genuinely think Ketamine works as an anti-depressant for me, but the afterlife experience is addictive...more problems.

afriendoftina <3
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I've always been interested in ketamine, but I don't know the first thing about how to get it or take it. I heard it's like an antidepressant. Maybe I'll do research on it and try it someday. I love the Bluelight community too. It helps when you're able to talk openly to others about drug use. I'm glad I finally signed up. I can't talk to anyone else about this stuff. It's such a relief to have an outlet like this.
 
Ketamine is my new favourite, it goes quite well with my old favourite tina (meth). This was my experience of my first k-hole, three lines in total snorted in stages on my way down into the K-hole. Take it with an anti-emetic like metoclopramide - it will stop you feeling sick:

Going into it was heaven, it was so layered. Then the bulk of it, I was dissociated, buzzing, listening to Lana del Rey (the K kiss of music) moving the atoms of the world and rolling my consciousness into space. I was the remote. I was in complete control of every single shift. I explored dimensions and layers of reality. Then I did it, I felt death. I managed to pull the curtain of reality down, I peeled it from its grip on our reality, from its corners and heaved myself over it at a diagonal. my mind slid up and swiftly out the top of body and I lifted it my heavy conciousness over the threshold of reality into the abyss of death. It was so beautiful you simply can't capture it. It was so crisp, so fresh, so cool to the skin and it was darker than the darkest black, beyond black. I held myself there and managed reached about 3/4 completely out of my body before I couldn't hold it any longer and I slumped back into it's physical form. It was complete euphoria. I know what the afterlife feels like now. I cannot wait to get back to the innerverse. I can see myself running with K for a while.

But in terms of depression, I felt the meaning of life. I can't remember the answer but there was one, there was a point to all this and it clicked. It made me excited to experience reality now I understood it more. I wanted to be me for the first time in years and years and I felt powerful and omnipotent. I have never had more self-esteem or valued myself more than in that moment and I really do think Ketamine gave me a reason to keep going through this depression.

I need to be careful though. I might find that I want that feeling too much and a ketamine addiction is not pretty, not pretty at all.
 
Wow. So it's an out-of-body experience? I definitely want to give it a go. Sounds like a very enlightening experience which is something I need. Something that makes me see something beyond the situation I'm in and give me a new perspective.

If I started, I would have to be careful of possible addiction too.

If you have a bad ketamine trip, can you take a benzo with it to come out of it? I wonder.
 
You shouldn't take benzos with Ketamine (that said, I took half a valium with it to ease me down into the K-hole from the Tina and it worked a charm but its dangerous). They say when you K-Hole (the deepest level of the Ketamine experience), you dissociate from your body. I spent most of the hour detached from its physicality and my consciousness felt free of its ties.

I really enjoy smoking during a k-hole, but that is very stupid really. You can't really move and would not be able to respond effectively to a fire. I haven't really heard of a bad ketamine trip, what you are seeing would ordinarily be frightening but your overwhelming sense of power and control over it keeps it from feeling scary at all in the moment.

I touched death and I wanted to stay there, it was glorious and enlightening. Honestly, the greatest experience I have ever had.
 
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