why I'm an addict and suicidal

[Cosmic Trigger]

I've been struggling with these issues since I was a child in ways. (I'm currently 62). I'm going to try to make this short and to the point as possible.

I was born into one of the millions upon millions of, IMO, dysfunctional families. I was severely abused emotionally and sexually by my father. My mother was shut down and depressed and unable to help much. I was stuck within a fundamentalist Christian cult that implanted in me the belief that all normal bodily animal functions were evil and a road to eternal torture in hell. I was never touched in a positive way or told I was good or asked if I was being bullied and beaten at school. But I was allowed all the food I could eat especially sugar cereal as they calmed me down. So I became addicted to eating to fill the empty hole in my psyche and sedate myself. An addict was born. I also became addicted to physical activity which is one of the things that actually saved me and allowed me to stay alive long enough to take my first hit of LSD and due to that experience flee my family, town, state and run alone 3000 miles to the PNW where I still am today.

Now really if that was all there was to the story I think I'd be fine today. But the fact is for me at least I saw a world to one degree or another in the same emotional straights I was in. Strife between people, torture, war, starvation, environmental degradation, and the list goes on. And I'm in no way saying there are not some very fine people in the world but in reality I've found that many of them are unhappy and struggling too due to the reality of living in such a dysfunctional reality overall. As my best and wisest friend said, "happiness, if it ever existed, is a thing of the past and we are all in coping mode now". I was surprised as this is the happiest person I know.

In many ways I've made a life for myself out there. I was successful in business and retired in my mid 50s. I had many interesting jobs and friends along the way. I learned wilderness survival skills and spent some blissful summers alone in the Great Basin area of the High Desert wandering alone or with my beloved dog who was my best friend above all else. I was a psychonaut and really into dancing. I've been to Burning Man three times. So I'm not going to pretend nothing has been good in my life. In ways I have had a life some would envy.

Now I have a painful disease to deal with and my body is breaking down and I'm on the downward slope toward inevitable death. Even before this illness I have been and am addicted to phenibut and Kratom and still binge eating, oh and addictive sex. And now the bliss of Opiates.

None of the good things have been enough so far to outweigh my childhood horror and the horror I see in my world on my planet every day.

So I was hoping that someone could share with me a reason not to remain an addict and to eventually off myself when I can't take it anymore?

Thanks for listening.

 

[neversickanymore]

Please take the micro nutrients needed to remain healthy with the constant opiate use.

Have you considered forgiving the people from you childhood. Forgiveness is for us and not for them.

 

[herbavore]

First of all, I am so very sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child. I have not yet met a single person that was abused as a child that does not spend the rest of his or her life trying to sort out the enormity of that early breach of trust. To have to try to build in yourself what should have been built in you by the adults that you were arbitrarily entrusted to is something that I can barely wrap my mind around. You have done so much to survive and thrive already but that well of fear must run so deep. Have you ever tried any specific form of therapy around this experience?

I share your dark perception of what we humans continue to create generation after generation but if anything, that is where I draw my motivation to stay alive and to use my very small life in whatever positive way that I can. Like you, LSD was a positive life changer early on. I was lost in my own inability to trust anything at all--least of all my place in a world I could not make sense of. The sense of belonging to something much larger than my own brief life in this temporary body was transformative for me. I still do not know exactly what those words mean, but I feel what they mean. Whether you believe in design or you believe in accidental existence, it makes no difference. We are here as human beings with other humans and plants and animals for a very short time within an eternity of changing life. One way or another we come out of that swirl and we are absorbed back into it when our bodies die. You can attach any belief you want to that and it remains a mystery. So in answer to your question I would ask you to consider two things: 1) what you imagine death to be and 2) whether attuning yourself less to the human world and more to nature might be an antidote to the corner your thoughts are painting you into?

I know that dealing with a physical illness--especially a degenerative one--makes it difficult to focus on much outside that very real daily reality. If your addiction is part and parcel of painkilling treatment then perhaps worrying about the addiction aspect is less important than trying to manage tolerance, etc. Do you feel that the phenibut and kratom are necessary for dealing with pain or are you worried about a psychological dependence? Ultimately, I do not believe there is any empirical reason for a person not to end his or her own life, certainly not when pain becomes unbearable. Everything in life is a balancing act of choices. How much pain will my death cause to others? Am I willing to cause that pain to end my own suffering? These are real questions that people must answer for themselves. If you live in Oregon, you have the right to die now sanctioned by law. Legal or not, it is still a question that most of us have wildly conflicting answers to. I have lost many people that mattered to me so much to self-inflicted deaths. Those people were suffering and saw no way out except death. What is hardest for me is that I never shared their perception that it was the only possible way to end their suffering.

I am your age and one of the gifts I see in this new chapter (being an old person) is that much of the fog of angst that permeated youth and middle age for me is lifting off. Every day some little thing makes me happy, despite Trump, despite his supporters, despite the steady diet of hate and fear I see fed to the children of the world. I think that it is hard to maintain hopefulness, gratitude for life, the vulnerability to continue to love authentically, but it is essential that we do things that foster, rather than erode, these human gifts. We are capable of such cruelty but we are also capable of profound, transforming love. It helps to speak out, especially our own dark thoughts; let someone else help hold them up to the light. I'm glad that you took a chance with this thread. Sometimes good conversation is the best medicine.

 

[Ligaturd]

It really is unfortunate, childhood trauma and being trapped within a dysfunctional family. It creates an atmosphere of repression and constant struggles in life, an inability to really deeply connect with people and form healthy relationships which result in mental, emotional and spiritual sustenance and nourishment. I am trying to tackle all of these issues and quit drugs myself but I am relatively young. It seems so hopeless as the way I seem to try to connect with people is the very thing that is pushing them away, I tried to get them to understand the very specific way that I struggle and that my intentions are good but.. I have to go it alone. Things will never be the way that I want them to be and people will never allow themselves to actually see that I am telling them the truth and that I desperately needed them to fight through it all and look me in the eyes and just tell me the truth as with just this very simple act, it wouldn't have all been for nothing and they could learn as well. Sorry I am projecting but I guess I am trying to say that I do understand a great deal of this , what you are going through and also that self sabotage seems to be a part of traumatized peoples lives and it is being able to look at yourself objectively and being able to pick up the pieces and attain forward momentum any way possible. There are so many people out there who have given into despair and just given up but there are also those people who have fought against themselves and their pain and sought to find something good in life for motivation, just one small piece and use that as motivation to move forward and keep building off of that. I know that when you are depressed, you feel helpless and hopeless and nothing feels right and even if something good happens the tendency is to minimize it and stray away from it. There is help out there and it is all in realizing what is keeping you held down and what is actually beneficial to you.

A major shift in perception is needed, go out and find something that you can appreciate and that motivates you to start taking actions to change your life and let go of pain and run with it. There are support groups out there, people willing to help and maybe the kindness of a stranger can help give you the strength to affect positive change in your life, it can and will if you let it. These concepts and thoughts that are what is helping me right now and I really hope you do find asylum, whether it be from within or even just changing your environment to help nurture that growth and take you away from things that remind you or keep you in past pain. It will encourage neuroplasticity which is the brain adapting and building new associations, rewiring itself to be able to appreciate life and not dwell on the past and negativity.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Please take the micro nutrients needed to remain healthy with the constant opiate use.

Have you considered forgiving the people from you childhood. Forgiveness is for us and not for them.

Yes I have considered and I've accomplished that task for the most part. I looked into their childhoods and saw that they were only passing on what they had learned. I have great empathy for them both now. It doesn't negate what they did however.

I eat a stellar diet and take supps but what micronutrients are you referring to?

Thanks.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

First of all, I am so very sorry for the abuse you suffered as a child. I have not yet met a single person that was abused as a child that does not spend the rest of his or her life trying to sort out the enormity of that early breach of trust. To have to try to build in yourself what should have been built in you by the adults that you were arbitrarily entrusted to is something that I can barely wrap my mind around. You have done so much to survive and thrive already but that well of fear must run so deep. Have you ever tried any specific form of therapy around this experience?

I share your dark perception of what we humans continue to create generation after generation but if anything, that is where I draw my motivation to stay alive and to use my very small life in whatever positive way that I can. Like you, LSD was a positive life changer early on. I was lost in my own inability to trust anything at all--least of all my place in a world I could not make sense of. The sense of belonging to something much larger than my own brief life in this temporary body was transformative for me. I still do not know exactly what those words mean, but I feel what they mean. Whether you believe in design or you believe in accidental existence, it makes no difference. We are here as human beings with other humans and plants and animals for a very short time within an eternity of changing life. One way or another we come out of that swirl and we are absorbed back into it when our bodies die. You can attach any belief you want to that and it remains a mystery. So in answer to your question I would ask you to consider two things: 1) what you imagine death to be and 2) whether attuning yourself less to the human world and more to nature might be an antidote to the corner your thoughts are painting you into?

I know that dealing with a physical illness--especially a degenerative one--makes it difficult to focus on much outside that very real daily reality. If your addiction is part and parcel of painkilling treatment then perhaps worrying about the addiction aspect is less important than trying to manage tolerance, etc. Do you feel that the phenibut and kratom are necessary for dealing with pain or are you worried about a psychological dependence? Ultimately, I do not believe there is any empirical reason for a person not to end his or her own life, certainly not when pain becomes unbearable. Everything in life is a balancing act of choices. How much pain will my death cause to others? Am I willing to cause that pain to end my own suffering? These are real questions that people must answer for themselves. If you live in Oregon, you have the right to die now sanctioned by law. Legal or not, it is still a question that most of us have wildly conflicting answers to. I have lost many people that mattered to me so much to self-inflicted deaths. Those people were suffering and saw no way out except death. What is hardest for me is that I never shared their perception that it was the only possible way to end their suffering.

I am your age and one of the gifts I see in this new chapter (being an old person) is that much of the fog of angst that permeated youth and middle age for me is lifting off. Every day some little thing makes me happy, despite Trump, despite his supporters, despite the steady diet of hate and fear I see fed to the children of the world. I think that it is hard to maintain hopefulness, gratitude for life, the vulnerability to continue to love authentically, but it is essential that we do things that foster, rather than erode, these human gifts. We are capable of such cruelty but we are also capable of profound, transforming love. It helps to speak out, especially our own dark thoughts; let someone else help hold them up to the light. I'm glad that you took a chance with this thread. Sometimes good conversation is the best medicine.

What an awesome response. Thank you for taking the time. I've considered and pondered everything you've said for many years. I don't have all the answers but it's always a nice surprise to find others thinking deeply on these issues. I'm very glad to hear you are open to the idea that people have the right to make a choice about their own life. In some ways this illness has helped me with things I've been struggling with my whole life. Anger and resentment. Those things seem to have been transformed into deep empathy and compassion for the struggles of all living things on the planet. I really like that about myself now even though it is very painful at times still to see all the chaos and suffering. So thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. I deeply appreciate it.

As to the Phenibut and Kratom I used them recreationally and for anxiety and depression in the past. I used them responsibly and had no addiction issues until this disease and the pain and fear it caused. So I started using Phenibut daily and soon had a nasty habit. I'm now in the process of trying slowly to ween myself off it it using some nootropics to upgrade my gaba receptors as I lower my dosage. So far so good but I'm really scared of withdrawals due to having to deal with this illness also. I don't think I could manage it. But even if I can drastically reduce my daily dose that would be helpful. And yes I'm not too worried at this point about the opiate addiction. It's bringing some blessed relief from the pain and depression so I just want to manage tolerance as much as possible.

As to therapy I've been to several therapists over the years. It's helped but not nearly enough for me. Seriously had I been asked to be born it would have been an unequivocal NO! At the very least don't make me a human.

Anyway thanks again. It's been really great hearing your thoughts. Best of luck to you in your struggles.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Thanks for responding Ligaturd. I'm really sorry to hear you're also struggling so much. I've been reading a lot of the posts in this forum and man it's really grim what people here are dealing with. In some ways I've had a shift in perception. I have a few great people in my life at the moment who grok what I'm going through and two really great little dogs. I can still walk just a bit and so get out in the hills here every day I can. But honestly, I mean if I'm really being honest. I'd rather not be here. I've felt that way long before I got ill and now I feel it in spades. I just don't want to struggle every single day to pull my shit together and work to stay positive in all this chaos. I'm not meant for this world. I don't like what I see when I cast about looking for something truly positive about my species. Yes there are some wonderful people. People like us actually but look at how hard we struggle just to barely keep afloat. It hardly seems worth it and especially at my age. All my close friends know I'll likely commit suicide at some point and they are all ok with that. I have a good home waiting for my dogs with someone they know well and love. So really I've tied up most of the loose ends and now I'm just waiting for the perfect storm. Until then my plan is to help everyone I can. Show compassion and mercy to all and enjoy the opiates and any other little pleasures I can find.

So take care younger brother. You have a lot ahead of you. I wish you great success, peace and joy, and some resolution to your struggles.

 

[Bottleofsun]

My fiance is your age. I'm 40. He just had a stroke, and has been diagnosed with a brain tumor, and massively high blood pressure. I'm caring for him. He's the love of my life. I wish we had time to be together, have some more good times. He's very depressed, and he too feels like this is the end.
I'm so sorry you feel like this, cosmic. I'm sorry life was so harsh on you. But your life, the people you loved and helped, all of it means something.
I hope you find happiness and peace.
I'm laying here, kicking dope, feeling like hell, wishing I could be better.
Be safe.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Thanks for responding. It's so easy to see I'm not alone and yet that's what I am at the end, alone. Maybe that's why I cling to things so hard and yet futilely. Being alone sucks when all I yearn for is to be something that never happened. So many paths I wanted to take were denied me due to the circumstances of my youth. The abuse, sexual and emotional, the constant stress and anxiety turning into ADD and an inability to utilize my natural talents by being frozen in fear for so long. And then one day to come to fully realize what has been lost and denied. I wish I had never come to know or to be born into this. And in no way does that say I've not had exceptional experiences in this voyage but it's always been making the best of the path I was forced to travel. And as to what it all means? Doe's it really mean something? It's all dust in the wind as far as I can tell and the wind blows hard and long.

I wish you some luck and relief with your struggle. It's a fucking bitch. Take care.

 

[Bottleofsun]

Its not too late to find some happiness! 62 really isnt that old, nowadays its positively middle aged. Do what makes you happy, Cosmic. Life is short and cruel, all you can do is try grab some joy. You dont need to be alone.
All that past pain and hurt cant be forgotten or denied, but at this point in your life perhaps you can use it. Paint, write a novel, play music, whatever your talent is, im sure you have one!
You sound like a really worthwhile, sensitive person. I hope some company and happiness is there waiting for you.

 

[Ligaturd]

You know. I have an obsession with wishing things in my past never hapoened. I struggle with intimacy and connecting with people, I haven't really lived a life yet and it's all been based on fear, I chose drugs because they were easy and they allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. Opioids killed my sex drive and made me be ok with being completely alone and before that the shame of being assaulted and molested, abused and isolated as a child had me unable to accept that peoples intentions were anything but negative. As if they were just putting on a front because they felt sorry for me or they are trying to get my defences down to violate me. It's definitely not a way to live and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I have found comfort in taking that frustration, that resentment, the fear, and the longing and putting it into a creative outlet and finding that I can make something really beautiful with it. I write music and it doesn't need to do anything but express my innermost emotions in a way that makes sense to me. I struggle socially and it's incredibly hard to connect with people but I have had success connecting with people by sharing my music with them and some people have found it really immersive and can appreciate it, it's all instrumental so it's really intimate and personal to me but other people can interpret it in any way they want to. I would really suggest finding a creative outlet as the above poster has suggested, whether it be writing, art, music. You may do this already. Perhaps writing about your past, what happened and how it made you feel as well as how it has affected your life growing up, the ways in which it has hindered various aspects of your life will help you process it and let it go. It will be extremely painful but it can also be liberating.

I believe that we create our own meaning in life. We do control our destiny somewhat although most things are out of our control. Acceptance, I am learning is a huge part of being able to move forward. There are people with terminal cancer who are given lsd in a therapeutic setting and lose that end of life anxiety. It comes from surrendering and completely accepting their fate and deciding to just appreciate what they have, making the most out of the time they have left. I have read about this and watched documentaries about this and am nowhere near conquering all of my traumas and resentments in life. I am still so fearful and suffer from self image and shame issues but I have read in depth about all the things I should be doing, things I could be doing to better my situation. All that's left is just going out and doing it. Pushing past the fear that has hindered me all of my life and not letting past hurt continue to hurt me.

In Buddhism they express this quite beautifully and perhaps Buddhism is something I should embrace as therapy. Learning to accept and just be. The past doesn't exist anymore. It only exists within our minds. We allow it to exist by acknowledging it. We are an amalgamation of our past experiences and they drive behavioural tendencies, so it is much easier said than done but it is possible. By both acknowledging what hapoened and learning to let it go but also being able to objectively examine the thought patterns and behavioural tendencies that have spawned from them and taking steps to slowly deconstruct them and rebuild yourself without them. Again I really don't want to sound preachy and these are things I know will help me once I am able and ready to do so but I also know that it is never too late to try and affect positive change.

I believe that it is a human right to decide to end their own life and if that is the decision that you make I still wish you all the best. I sincerely hope you find peace and comfort in whichever way that you choose because you deserve it, you really do.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Its not too late to find some happiness! 62 really isnt that old, nowadays its positively middle aged. Do what makes you happy, Cosmic. Life is short and cruel, all you can do is try grab some joy. You dont need to be alone.
All that past pain and hurt cant be forgotten or denied, but at this point in your life perhaps you can use it. Paint, write a novel, play music, whatever your talent is, im sure you have one!
You sound like a really worthwhile, sensitive person. I hope some company and happiness is there waiting for you.

I do have happiness. Had I not I'd be gone. This disease has helped me in ways. I was angry and bitter at life and humans in particular. I've been trying to get past that my whole life. Somehow this disease broke down that resistance. Now I feel compassion and empathy where once there was anger. I'm tremendously grateful for that. I treat people I meet much differently now. Doesn't change the fact that I want little to do with them for the most part but the anger is gone. I have dogs that bring such joy to my life. I can still hike short distances with them. I can still play my instrument a little bit. I watch movies, read books, do puzzles to help my brain fog from these drugs and I post here. So like I've said elsewhere it's not that I don't find anything in life to enjoy. It's that I don't feel at home here or in this body. My mind or spirit if you will longs for something much different and I cannot deny that. I don't want to be here.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

You know. I have an obsession with wishing things in my past never hapoened. I struggle with intimacy and connecting with people, I haven't really lived a life yet and it's all been based on fear, I chose drugs because they were easy and they allowed me to feel comfortable in my own skin. Opioids killed my sex drive and made me be ok with being completely alone and before that the shame of being assaulted and molested, abused and isolated as a child had me unable to accept that peoples intentions were anything but negative. As if they were just putting on a front because they felt sorry for me or they are trying to get my defences down to violate me. It's definitely not a way to live and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I have found comfort in taking that frustration, that resentment, the fear, and the longing and putting it into a creative outlet and finding that I can make something really beautiful with it. I write music and it doesn't need to do anything but express my innermost emotions in a way that makes sense to me. I struggle socially and it's incredibly hard to connect with people but I have had success connecting with people by sharing my music with them and some people have found it really immersive and can appreciate it, it's all instrumental so it's really intimate and personal to me but other people can interpret it in any way they want to. I would really suggest finding a creative outlet as the above poster has suggested, whether it be writing, art, music. You may do this already. Perhaps writing about your past, what happened and how it made you feel as well as how it has affected your life growing up, the ways in which it has hindered various aspects of your life will help you process it and let it go. It will be extremely painful but it can also be liberating.

I believe that we create our own meaning in life. We do control our destiny somewhat although most things are out of our control. Acceptance, I am learning is a huge part of being able to move forward. There are people with terminal cancer who are given lsd in a therapeutic setting and lose that end of life anxiety. It comes from surrendering and completely accepting their fate and deciding to just appreciate what they have, making the most out of the time they have left. I have read about this and watched documentaries about this and am nowhere near conquering all of my traumas and resentments in life. I am still so fearful and suffer from self image and shame issues but I have read in depth about all the things I should be doing, things I could be doing to better my situation. All that's left is just going out and doing it. Pushing past the fear that has hindered me all of my life and not letting past hurt continue to hurt me.

In Buddhism they express this quite beautifully and perhaps Buddhism is something I should embrace as therapy. Learning to accept and just be. The past doesn't exist anymore. It only exists within our minds. We allow it to exist by acknowledging it. We are an amalgamation of our past experiences and they drive behavioural tendencies, so it is much easier said than done but it is possible. By both acknowledging what hapoened and learning to let it go but also being able to objectively examine the thought patterns and behavioural tendencies that have spawned from them and taking steps to slowly deconstruct them and rebuild yourself without them. Again I really don't want to sound preachy and these are things I know will help me once I am able and ready to do so but I also know that it is never too late to try and affect positive change.

I believe that it is a human right to decide to end their own life and if that is the decision that you make I still wish you all the best. I sincerely hope you find peace and comfort in whichever way that you choose because you deserve it, you really do.

I'm so glad you posted your story. It's very similar to mine. Music was one of the few things that kept me going emotionally as a young man first on my own. That first hit of LSD at 18 is one of the reasons I'm here posting this and that's another story, However music was what kept me going day to day and minute to minute. You should see my music collection, it would make you laugh. I just hope I never have to move lol. Then at 60 I took up playing an instrument for the first time. I still play almost daily and I suck but playing and singing the songs that were my only friends at times has brought some joy and purpose to a very strange and strained existence.

Everything you wrote here I can relate to. I think you would be one of those few people I'd let into my small circle if I ever met you. As to Buddhism I'm very familiar with it. I have two very serious buddhist friends and have looked into it for myself. I find a lot of truth there but don't go in for some of it. I have found that for me learning deep relaxation and breathing techniques along with some very good hypnosis CDs I found have had slow but steady effect on my outlook and health.
But again were it not for a deeply ingrained fear of death/mortality I'd have done away with myself by now. So I have to wait for the perfect storm to push me there and in the meantime I plan on enjoying whatever I can to the greatest extent I can to be gentle and compassionate with whoever I can. That's my plan and I'm stickin to it. Again thanks for posting. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to chat.

 

[Bottleofsun]

I wish you well on your journey, Cosmic.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Thank you. I wish the same for you.

 

[DixiChik]

Wow, I too struggle with horrid disease. Pain meds only block my bowels, which are already choked by adhesions.

Cosmic Trigger, I feel the same way with this struggle. I have not "lived" in years, instead "existing". I'm pissed off every morning that I awake to have to do it all over again.

There must be a better way...

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

When you find that way be sure to let me know. Some of us are just too sensitive about the way the world actually works. It's not just my own suffering, I see it everywhere. There is a world of humanity suffering in ways that make mine almost trivial. I can't get over that. Not to mention how animals get treated often. I worked with abused dogs doing rehab for years until it broke me so bad I had to quit. Humans are brutal to each other in so many ways I could never count. Most of the junkies/addicts I find here got to where they are due less to a fault of their own but more to the events they had to struggle with in growing up and just making it in this world. The ones that fall prey to addiction are often some of the finest humans but are just too broken by events to make it in a world that so often does not care.

So why would I want to stay here? I have yet to find the reason. Had I no fear of my own impermanence I'd be gone today. But frankly I'm a bit of a coward and await my perfect storm. In the meantime I just want to help rather than hinder others on their journey. I wish everyone the best of luck.

And yeah, mornings are often the toughest. I'd rather be dreaming than living.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs9eSjcAug4

 

[herbavore]

So why would I want to stay here?

To keep the rest of us that think like you company?

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

Unfortunately I've found humans usually do not increase my desire to remain. Dogs yes, humans, not usually.

However I'd much rather hang with the humans that frequent this site than the folk I live around. So that's something I guess.

 

[DixiChik]

Funny about the dog/human thing. I have a rusty old sign hanging that says "The more people I meet, the more I love DOGS!".