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Alcoholism Discussion Thread Version 7.0

That's more the thing you hear from non-alcoholics though, they say similar things to any alcoholic.
"Oh so you go to those meetings then?"
"You don't? So you're not really an alcoholic right? You can have a few with us after work tonight and we can just call a cab."
 
Yeah, know hate here. Just love man. I know when i had about a year when i started i started to love again.?it had been blocked by the booze and my shitty hateful personality so love is key. Yeah Mmp85, i can understand what yourcsaing.?whenever i leave the program i get that from family. So what are you doing now? Youre not in recovery anymore. I had to explain to them recovery is everyday for a addict/alcoholic. Doesnt matter about a program. I actually thought i was leaving again cause meetings in my town really suck now. Im gonna go to adjacent town and its a collegetown. Great meetings there and a chance to meet some newcomers. Pretty soon ill be a sponser and need to brush up. I think getting back in heavy cause my mind is starting to slip. First dayvi gr my car back last weekend i went to a meeting. It actually really good. So im meeting with an od sponser tomorrow. Hes been by my side since the begining. Hes sponsered me many times ny for me to go out and drink. My last sponer was his great grandsponser. Weird. Hes like my yoda. He knows me very well and will call me on my bs. I need that in my life. And in 10 years in AA nobody ever pointed the finger and said youre doomed. The trick is to hit every meeting in town and pick a favorite and make that your homegroup. Well see but i personally need to work the steps. I have baggage that needs to be cleared. I love all AA literature but big book and 12x12 are by far my favrites. And the stries in big book are fantastic. It describes me to a T. I like the part where it says if you think your not acoholic go to nearest bar and try to drink like a gentalmen. Then you will know. I did it and wasnt a gentalmen. My quiet demenor went out the doir and first got cut off then kicked out. Thats what that shit does to me. So for me i need vigurous action to stay away from a drink. Im still in physical scare cause of surgery last summer but i live with people now and there was a cold icehouse sitting in fridge and i was vert tempted and mouth started watering. Some people can do on their own but not me. I need the structure of program. I need to be responsible for something and get in there and help others. Thats the biggest repelant to drinking, helping others. Im excited abut my future and i hope my homie sponsers me again. I only divulge the fact i smoke weed snd all of them understand. I know who not to tell cause it would be negative. Point is, i dont wanna drink anymore and my personality needs AA. Its been my saving grace and yes, ive drank after meetings and yes, i went to one meeting plastered but people dont look down on me. Quite oppisite, they reinforce positive vibes and show me compassion. I hate to hear people who have bad experiences. Thats sad. I think about whats read before meetings and theres a part where it says;
Are you willing to go to any length to stop drinking? I analyze that and most of my time in there i wasnt. I do things that were suggested but i was still a sick, selfish person. AA and mass WHICH ARE NOT REalATED, keeep me spiritually active. I do believe what is read saying no himan power can relieve alcoholism. I couldnt do it by myself. My family and friends couldnt help. AA could and since i already had my own concept of a higher power it wasnt too hard to believe what we were saying. Bill Wilson the co founder of AA is fucking brilliant. He struggled for decades with depression but wrote all this great stuff. Much respect. Im def pro AA but ive posted this before, what someone does or says doesnt bother me. If program isnt for you then so be it. But no bashing or anything. I hold that shit close to my heart and it offends me when someone talks shit about my program. It might not work for people here and there but ive been to a state convention and to see hundreds on thousands of people doing the sane thing i do, recover from alcoholism. I wish everyone the best no matter what you do. Peace!!
 
Went and had my physical today and told my new doctor everything that's been going on. He said my liver was slightly enlarged/swollen (just by feeling) and when I told him how high my enzyme reading was at the ER he immediately ordered an ultrasound. That won't be til Monday tho. Other than that he wants me to come in every month to have my blood checked out. All I can do now is wait. 8(
 
Hey Closeau, I always enjoy your posts. I'm suffering from a bit of PAWS at the moment. Been really irritable - ok, I'm always irritable (one of my many character defects), just more than usual the past few days. I was completely antisocial at Tuesday night's AA meeting. I probably shouldn't have gone because I hate bringing attitude and negativity into a meeting - you never know if that will trigger someone, but I knew I wouldn't be able to get to many this week so I went anyway. I've been trying to be more social. As much as AA/NA helped me in the beginning, it's more important to me now to be around people that aren't as fucked up as I am. I went to an oyster bar last night with some friends which provided some relief and I'm going on a kayaking/camping trip this weekend to Makinson Island, FL that I hope will help snap me out of this malaise.

The pain around my liver had been absent for a few days, but returned last night. Also, last week, I must have slept in a funny position because I woke up last Thursday with an excruciating pain in my neck and was unable to turn my head. I put heat on it, which according to the doc at urgent care, was the wrong thing to do, because it was even worse the following day and probably caused even more inflammation. She offered to prescribe me some low dose opioid painkillers, which I politely declined (there's NO FUCKING WAY I'm going down that road again), but she did give me prescription grade ibuprofen and cyclobenzaprine, a muscle relaxant (the warning label on the bottle should say "don't make any plans" - fortunately I only had to use four tablets). Anyway, by Tuesday I was ok again.
 
Nittynutskin- Thats pretty good news man. I mean it aint great but ifs something was really wrong he woulda sent you to a lace stat. Sometimes all we can do is wait so keep your head up bro. Youre doing great!!!

Aifhl- i can relate to how you feel and thanks for your kind words. I was in my pain clinic today annd told her i wanttg off my opiates. She was shocked. I can get by with Tylenol and Weed. As i said in my last post i do smoke. I like combining things ive learned ober the years to help me now. AA and Christianity and Buddhisim and philosphy. I take bits i like from them and self make a routine for myself. Weed is same thing. Its always heled me my whole life. Some people would say im not sober. I just stay away from those people, thats it. Smart of you to turn down the opites. I just can handle them. Thats cool they did give you some stuff. I know that ain around the liver. Uugh, thats a horrible feeling. Sounds like youre dealing with it so thats good. I wss out all day and im not tired. Having a car rocks, lol. Going to 5:30 meeting. The Happy Houmr Group, lol. Their in middle of Duke campus so its usually a good meeting. I have to tell on myself so if meeting is goog ill do it. I didnt drink. Anyway, i hope all goes well for both you lads and keep me posted and dont give up. Take care my bro's
 
closeau said:
Nittynutskin- Thats pretty good news man. I mean it aint great but ifs something was really wrong he woulda sent you to a lace stat. Sometimes all we can do is wait so keep your head up bro. Youre doing great!!!
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Thanks. What is a lace?

Today was pretty shit. I swear my doctor jinxed me or something. Not really but he asked me yesterday what I had done since the ER visit and I told him I stopped drinking and started taking my vitamins and eating healthy again. He asked me what I would do when more problems came up in my life tho and I didn't really have an answer. Later that same day I'm fighting with a family member somewhat out of no where and then today dealing with other some personal shit that some would probably say I blew out of proportion. I also had a dream last night that I was drinking a bottle of whiskey outside sitting on a sidewalk by a place near my house and a lady came walking past me and said something. Don't remember what it was but she was clearly in disapproval. Either way I swear sometimes shit sends me into a downward spiral of self destruction and depression in seconds. If I could've I probably would've drank today in all honesty when just yesterday I'm worrying about my ultrasound and health. I actually told someone yesterday that I was just worrying about getting my physical health back and would deal with the mental shit later, but today my mind has been raging against me. I think if there is a god he's upstairs laughing as he tests me to see how much more I can take before I break. For me the problem isn't even alcohol, it's being sick of being unhappy all the time. I don't think I ever would've had an addiction in the first place if I was a happy person but it's impossible to say really. Life is shit.

/rant
 
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Hey Closeau, good to see your post. I would probably be smoking weed too if my ex girlfriend hadn't requisitioned my stash for her own use. As it is now, I've lost contact with one of my sources and the other moved away to pursue his graduate degree. The definition of sobriety is not an absolute in my opinion. As long as it's not wrecking your life (which alcohol did to me), it's not a problem. I'm not sober either, by some peoples' definition, since I still take benzos for panic attacks and severe anxiety. But again, Ativan doesn't cause me to piss away my money, cause me to be passed out for days or weeks on end, interfere with my interpersonal relationships, damage my health, the list goes on and on. I fired my first sponsor because he was so anti-medication and kept telling me to stop taking my psych meds. "Rigorous honesty" is an important component of recovery, but it only goes so far.

So how was the meeting you went to on the Duke campus? I found an agnostic/atheist meeting that meets twice weekly and once online. That's my favorite meeting, and there are also several other Jews that attend that meeting and find it comfortable since there are no religious overtones. They close with the AA responsibility pledge instead of the Lord's Prayer.

I bailed on the camping trip I was supposed to go on this weekend. Possible high winds are making conditions questionable, and the airboat captain that was supposed to take our gear over bailed, so I bailed as well. Not that I'm an overpacker, but there is no potable water on this island, so you have to take everything you might need, including water. Everything would have fit in a smallish plastic bin, but it still wouldn't fit in a 14' sea kayak. Luckily, there are plenty of other activities to keep me out of harm's way this weekend. If there's one thing I've learned about recovery, STAY BUSY! Have a good weekend everyone.
 
Glad I didn't drink yesterday although I wanted to. Would've hated myself today. Mood has mostly been better today. This is going to be tougher than I thought tho.
 
Nuttynutskin- your feelingss are bad and i know they suck balls t i promise they will go away. Like they always say, even if you drink all the problems are still there next day except your hungover and guilty. So good job for not drinking. Your body and mind are still ravaged by alcohol but that will go and you will feel better. Ive often thought God was laughing at me cause my whole life has been a pressure cooker and just so many problems loaded up all thevtime. I had to go to AA to learn how to live thru these tests were given withoutout self destruction. Im scared daily thatvim gonna say fuck it and implode. Luckily i have somewhere to go when i feel like that. I go AA clubhouse and just hang out and have a soda and usually feel a lot better. AA is about life and living, not drinking. Drinking brings us in but alcohol is only mentioned once in the steps and in the book it says alcohol was but a symptom. That made sense to me. I wasnt happy with anything including myself and id burn it away with whiskey. But i aint gonna go on about AA cause i know it aint for you and last thing i want is you to think im talking you into it. Quite the opposite. Yeah man, its hard. Hardest thing i ever had to do. I couldnt let go and take the right fork in the road. I dont know your age but if youre younger its super your doing this right. Keep the positive thoughts going and if you have no positive then think youre not drinking anymore. Thats very positive. If you have bad cravings, message me and well work thru it together. They will come. I still have drinking dreams. I hate thenm but there part of it. I think myself and AA have helped me a lit but having my colon out last summer kinda taught mevmy lesson. It was awful and painful all cause i couldnt put plug in jug. I could prob have a beer but im an alcoholic and i have an allergy that makes me drink tilk i pass out and if i put luquior in me im not sure what will happen with my gut. I aibt finding out. I myself need to get back in shape. Vitamenscare great. Ive been taking them for years. Eat right and quit smoking cigs. I live in stressfiu enviornment and ivecbeen smoking a lot but everything with time. Youre doing great!! Youtr doing it one day at a time cause there really is no other way. Keep it up man!!!

Aiihfl- Thanks man. The aduke meeting was awesome. Fear was the topic and a bunch of great shares. Lots of aduke students. It was refreshing. I had to go sit at the club we havechere right down road. I had a soda and talked about to a friend who not ony has 27 yrs but is very cool and seems to know what to say to you. The house i live in was crazy so i booked it out of here. Its nice to have a car back!! Yeah, i think most peope in program are on some type of med. i know a guy, old gut who just gets on soapbox to n meetings avbout how pills in general are not needed and youre not really sober. Hes an asshoe. Nobody likes him. I need my phycvmeds terribly. Without them i endvup in ward. They are vital to my health. Id be in mania or super depressed without my latuda and lithium and would be a anxiety filled wreck if it werent for benzo. Im getting off my pain meds in a few days so that will be done. Dr gave me suboxone for a week so that should help withdrawl but i have to be in full withdrawl. Thats abut 30hrs cold turkey. Im gonna be sick as shit and not looking forward to it. Making sure i have weed and just bear theu it tilll i can take sub. Several reasons im getting off. Weed being one of them but their dangerous to me. I have kegit pain but had a problem last fall so im ding the right thing. Im actually headed out to a noon meeting. Thanks for the message and have a super day!!
 
closeau said:
Drinking brings us in but alcohol is only mentioned once in the steps and in the book it says alcohol was but a symptom. That made sense to me.
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Well I don't disagree with that.

closeau said:
I wasnt happy with anything including myself and id burn it away with whiskey. But i aint gonna go on about AA cause i know it aint for you and last thing i want is you to think im talking you into it.
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No you're fine, and actually I will admit it could be I have some misconceptions about AA, I just don't like it when people act like AA is the only way and you're going to fail if you don't go that route. Personally for me I just think I would do better with 1 on 1 counseling if I can't get through this on my own because I just can't handle being around a lot of people due to my social anxiety if nothing else. I'm pretty sure I mentioned that before.

closeau said:
I dont know your age but if youre younger its super your doing this right. Keep the positive thoughts going and if you have no positive then think youre not drinking anymore. Thats very positive. If you have bad cravings, message me and well work thru it together.
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Thanks... I'm 33.

closeau said:
Im getting off my pain meds in a few days so that will be done. Dr gave me suboxone for a week so that should help withdrawl but i have to be in full withdrawl. Thats abut 30hrs cold turkey. Im gonna be sick as shit and not looking forward to it.
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That sucks. Is there a reason you have to be in full withdrawal?
 
Another great weekend in sobriety: kayaked a beautiful spring-fed river with crystal clear water, attended a Sierra Club/Florida Trail Association bonfire and cycled about 30 miles. Finishing up with my agnostic/atheist AA meeting this evening. Gradually reclaiming the years I let alcohol and opiates steal from me.
 
Thats great man. We made it and were spared from death from alcohol and opiates. Good to see you siezing life. Ive been to an agnostic/atheist meeting but t it wasnt very good. Lotta bickering and cross talk but they changed the wirds in the steps. I didnt like that but those folks are trying to stay sober just like me. I was standing in line at gas station yesterday and saw a bottle of my favorite wine. I was tempred but the fear of what it would do to my body having no colon, it would be bad and i could die so that scared me straight. Went to 7:30am meeting this morning. What a great way to start the day. A topic is picked, usually out of how bill sees it then its read then 5 million n of silent meditation then read again then share. Its a really spiritual meeting and all the people are super nice and serious about it. Long day ahead of me so just wanted to say its cool you went on an adventure. Lata
 
closeau said:
I was standing in line at gas station yesterday and saw a bottle of my favorite wine. I was tempred but the fear of what it would do to my body having no colon, it would be bad and i could die so that scared me straight.
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Hey Closeau, on a related note, someone brought up at last night's meeting hesitation over picking up cooking wine for a dish. Although everyone's triggers are different, I shared afterwards that I have about a 3/4 full bottle of Japanese sake (used for cooking) and 5 cans of Yuengling in my fridge right now. The sake is used in the preparation of Chinese dishes and I had to buy a 6 pack of Yuengling for a pot of chili I made (one of the ingredients is a can of beer). Am I tempted to drink it? Absolutely not. First off, I remember my last drunk well enough to recall that the feeling of being drunk was no longer enjoyable, and 2., I have that pain in my side to remind me that I have liver disease. I'm going to give the Yuengling to my neighbor, and well, even if I was tempted to get drunk, it wouldn't be on sake, because that shit made me sick and gave me one of the worst hangovers in my life while I was living in Japan.

Again, this is just my opinion, but I just don't get the people who don't take communion in church because they think that drinking the wine constitutes a relapse, or the guy who shared at last night's meeting that he tasted wine in some fondue and flipped out and called his sponsor. I even made a trip to Napa during sobriety and did what the real wine snobs do. I tasted it, and then spat it out. If there's anything destructive about AA, in my opinion, it's putting this very black and white life-or-death fear of alcohol into people. Not all people need that (although some do), and in my opinion it's best to see things in shades of gray. It can be as detrimental to some as it is helpful to others.
 
I could never understand why people in aa had a problem with using extracts or wine in cooking. It burns the alcohol out so it's not going to get you drunk
 
glitter_kiss said:
I could never understand why people in aa had a problem with using extracts or wine in cooking. It burns the alcohol out so it's not going to get you drunk
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I think the larger issue is that many people in AA are taught to viscerally fear alcohol. Paradoxical, because the ultimate goal of practicing the twelve steps is to be able to live a serene and fear-less existence.
 
I like that statement. Very true. I get what you said in your earlier post. My last drunk was horrible so im pretty good. I dont fear it anymore. Its like you just said with the steps and stuff. It all comes together. Youre a smart dude and living in Japan must have been awesome, except for hangover. Take care
 
Got my blood work back... Somehow my liver enzymes are normal now? I don't know how it can go from over 700 to 49 in a month. I'm happy but in disbelief. I gotta make sure I don't take this as a reason I can still drink tho.
 
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