A Recurring Problem

[RhythmSpring]

My life is not in order. In fact, it's terrible. I have severe arthritis, and I feel like my ego is flipped inside-out. I feel "out of it" all the time. I think I need some serious healing, iboga-style.

But in the mean time, romantic opportunities come and go. With someone who I don't care for that much, I could make something work, but the closer I get, the more I see the things I don't like, and realize that they're not for me.

With people that I care for a whole lot, I keep my distance, because I don't feel "ready" yet. Yes, of course I want their love, and to love them, but I think it would be a terrible idea to share my life, which is in shambles, with them. It wouldn't be fair to them. It would be a burden.

Furthermore, if I were in a close relationship with someone, I feel like I wouldn't be able to change much in the ways I want to. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe I should let love change me instead of trying to direct it. But the fact still remains that, for someone who cannot work a job because he has to take care of himself for half the day just to function, I wouldn't want to expose someone else to my dysfunctionality. I am not in good shape. I feel on the same level as a heroin addict. I don't have any substance addictions, but the level of life mess/standstill seems on par.

I would rather heal my life considerably first, then be with a girl and have more to offer. At the same time, though, I haven't experienced real intimacy in a looooong time.

What do you think? Am I being too strict? Or honorable?

 

[Bagseed]

to give you a short answer, I think that you are too hard on yourself.

 

[DeadElvis666]

When the right person comes along, nothing else will matter. My girlfriend has severe health problems, unable to work, mental health issues, addictions, struggles with her weight, etc. but I love her and wouldn't trade her for anything. I have been with a lot of gorgeous women in the past, and I could easily pick from a number of other women who are super attractive, healthy, fit, employed, mentally stable, not addicted to drugs, etc. but I would never even consider it. When you find the right person, your love for them trumps everything else and it doesn't matter what problems they have, you still love them with all of your heart. Don't worry about your problems. Nobody is perfect. When you meet the right person they will love you so much that they won't even notice your own flaws and imperfections.

 

[RhythmSpring]

Thanks, guys. I guess my fear is that I will get stuck and not heal/move forward, but "settle" with what I have.
I feel like going in for the kiss is like leaving my problems to fester.

 

[GenericMind]

Why do you feel "out of it" all the time? Are you regularly using any medications or recreational drugs?

 

[RhythmSpring]

I'm only regularly taking oral cannabis, but that doesn't really affect my "out of it"ness. I've been feeling that way ever since the spring of 2013, when I got rough-housed while in a buccal salvia trip. Long story short, I woke up the next morning with DP/DR-like symptoms.

 

[nygiants1313]

Life is too short to stress about this OP. We all have our faults. Even when you think your life is no longer dysfunctional or whatever ull meet a girl and "life" will get messy again just cuz thats life lol. Nobody is "normal" and the majority of people have dysfunctional aspects with their own lives.

 

[GenericMind]

Some of the best advice I ever got on this website way back when was: The very first thing to do if you're not feeling right psychologically is to stop the use of all recreational drugs for a few months to see if that lessen the symptoms.

It may not seem like cannabis is playing a role in your DP/DR, but there have been plenty of studies that link the two in some individuals. Here's a couple:

Study 1
Study 2
An old Bluelight thread on the topic

I've encountered LOTS of people on Bluelight over the years that came here to ask for help with varying psychological issues who smoked pot and outright refused to even consider that it may be contributing to their problems. I don't know if it's the popular opinion that weed is so benign or mellow compared to other drugs or what, but a lot of pot smokers seem to be pretty stubborn about it. The fact of the matter is that cannabis use can trigger, stimulate, and/or exacerbate lots of different things in your brain and cause either natural underlying issues or underlying issues that were created by an event(like a bad Salvia experience or other hallucinogens). My guess would be that you've been using weed regularly at least since that Salvia experience in 2013 with no meaningful breaks. Please correct me if I'm wrong.

I know you were asking about sexual/romantic relationships and not so much the problems that make you feel you might want to avoid them, so to wrap around and answer your question: If you're avoiding relationships because you feel you're somehow too deficient for them and you don't want to drag someone else down, you're selling yourself short. There are always paths you can take to better yourself and FEEL better about yourself. And feeling content with yourself is important before getting into a serious relationship. Self-doubt and insecurity can cripple a relationship just as easily as crap like jealousy can.

If it were me I'd pledge myself to 2-3 months of being completely sober from everything. Weed, alcohol, everything. That way you know you're working with a completely clear head with nothing else interfering with your psychological state. Then make a list of a few steps you can take over those 2-3 months that you think would improve your life and make you feel better about your situation. Then spend those 2-3 months focusing solely on completing the steps on that list. No worrying about relationships or anyone else, just zero in on that list every single day.

Then reassess at the end of that 2-3 months. You may yourself feeling a lot more in control of your situation with an obvious path to follow to continue bettering your situation. That's when you start to get a clearer sense of whether you're ready to start mixing it up with potential Mrs. Rights.

 

[RhythmSpring]

GenericMind, thank you for your concern, but I have smoked only under a dozen times in my entire life. I just don't (like to) do it. I only started the oral cannabis this month, after many months of not. I did go 3 months recently without taking any psychoactives: October, November, and December. The strongest psychoactive I took was either some chocolate or literally 4 teaspoons of green tea.

Yeah, so I'm correcting you there. Never was hooked on pot--almost never smoked. Almost never drink (hate it). As a sidenote, I think I have the opposite of an "addictive personality." I think I have an asceticism problem, heh.

Even after the 3-month break, my life was pretty much at a standstill. Actually, it only started heading in the right direction when I started the oral cannabis. In fact, had it not been for the oral cannabis, I probably wouldn't have started this thread--I would have just assumed I wasn't ready for love because my life wasn't up to par. The cannabis has been showing me how to nourish myself and not be judgmental about it.

 

[GenericMind]

Welp in that case, I'd skip the sober part because it doesn't sound like you need it. The rest is still sound advice imo, though. It's cliche but you really do have to learn to love yourself before you can function in a healthy relationship.

 

[Bagseed]

well, since I also had severe DR from a mushroom trip almost four years ago, I believe that DP/DR is basically a very unnerving anxiety symptom. do you also get panic attacks, general anxiety along with th DP/DR? Integration of the trip is most important to feeling better in my opinion, but unfortunately nobody can really tell you how to integrate a trip, I know I had to figure it out myself.

but yeah, I took me also quite a while to feel okay again (still not 100% but at least not extremely depressed and anxious all the time, and I can handle my life quite well atm), so hang in there, and do what it takes to get better

 

[RhythmSpring]

Yes, thank you Bagseed for your encouragement. Actually just tonight I was at a concert at a bar, walking around and realizing that I just have a huge chunk of undealt-with anxiety, and that is what the DP/DR is. Thank you for confirming that.

 

[Mysterie]

i feel the pain. i am tired of being alone and lonely. i get a contact high off of being around lots of people in public areas, because i really like people, but i can't engage.

what nygiants said is true i think, in that being in a relationship won't solve any of your problems (it might seem to temporarily).

i think i could blossom and learn so much in relationship with another, but i have no history to base my present actions upon, taking the first step is terrifying to me.

sometimes i wonder if i am so used to feeling damaged that i keep myself feeling like a victim because thats what my ego feeds on. i'm different and nobody else can really understand me.

i believe you will find the right person for you at the right time

 

[RhythmSpring]

sometimes i wonder if i am so used to feeling damaged that i keep myself feeling like a victim because thats what my ego feeds on.

Yes. And perhaps more simply put, if you're used to feeling a certain way all the time, something different, even if it is good, might feel uncomfortable or strange.

i believe you will find the right person for you at the right time

The thing is, I believe I *have* found the right person. I just have been afraid of moving forward because of the burden I would place on them.

 

[Foreigner]

Read your post and 100% relate. Having a chronic debilitating illness that requires a huge time commitment to self-care makes it seem like having a normal life will be impossible. I wish I had answers for you because I'm going through all the same thoughts right now. Maybe by replying to you I can somehow help myself. I feel a bit dejected by the limited prospects in my life due to a condition that has de facto imprisoned me in my own body. And I'm not just being cynical... if you've never had a health problem of this magnitude you just won't understand.

I agree that you're being too hard on yourself. At the same time, your concerns are realistic. It shows what a great person you are that you'd want to shield someone from your dysfunctionality out of concern. That said, at what point are you withholding too much? At what point are you not allowing yourself to receive life, on life's terms?

If there's one thing that I've learned in the past year of dealing with life and death, it's that none of it is predictable. I've found for myself that having a disability - however temporary or not - has made me take on a certain narrative about how others will perceive me. I've assumed what people can or cannot handle. But in the past year some people have REALLY surprised me, while others who I expected to be more understanding, weren't. If you block the receiving of life, then it also prevents other people from giving to you, from engaging in that practice. You're denying them as much as you're denying yourself.

Maybe the very relationship you're keeping at arm's length could be your agent of transformation? Or maybe not. My point is, you're assuming that you know what's what. People don't always end up in relationships because of statusy bullshit. I've met potential romantic partners who are deeply fascinated and captivated by my insights, by my inner wisdom, and the way I see the world... all of which has been a product of the very conditions that I don't want to expose them to.

Bottom line... if you don't feel ready for a relationship, that's cool. At the same time, if you're settling because you're afraid of what might go wrong, then you might be holding yourself back. If you are, then it could be useful to ask yourself why? I mean, what utility is there in staying where you are? What's the narrative you're believing in so strongly? Something about it is enabling you.

 

[RhythmSpring]

you're assuming that you know what's what.

Very good point. While it's good to trust your own instincts, sometimes we confuse our instincts with our thoughts of right and wrong, and that is what I probably have done.

I've met potential romantic partners who are deeply fascinated and captivated by my insights, by my inner wisdom, and the way I see the world... all of which has been a product of the very conditions that I don't want to expose them to.

Relate 100%.

BTW, do you think you might be going forward with the Iboga? I think I've come upon some really good insights regarding physical healing, spiritual healing, iboga, cannabis, food, and all this stuff. Feel free to hit me up.

 

[Foreigner]

^ I'd love to but I don't have access to it, and I'm not sure my body could handle the hit right now.

 

[Ligaturd]

I'm having similar problems, or I have for quite a few years. I'm taking the steps necessary to quit drugs for an extended period of time. I know that I will keep being afflicted with extreme anxiety and depression for the duration of my suboxone treatment and most likely 6 months to a year after that. I know that for myself personally, I can't seek out diagnosis until my brain has reached a state of homeostasis and that is going to take a long ass time. Knowing that these mental health problems are quite magnified because of the changes in brain chemistry from years of drug abuse even though I have had these problems since way before I started using drugs. It's impossible to diagnose mental illness until you have been completely off of drugs for 6 months to a year to allow brain chemistry to normalize to get a clear picture of what actually exists independant of anything that drug abuse can mimic or exacerbate.

Often times drug abuse is a symptom of mental health problems (my doctor thinks that people are born with addiction and I think that is just absolutely wrong, I hate the disease concept.). I have had experiences with psychedelics, dissociatives that have left me with derealization and depersonalization problems for extended periods of time afterwards but eventually these seemed to subside but there was no real healing. I just waited it out while self medicating, not addressing the thoughts and actually working on consciously changing my perception surrounding them, negative behaviors were allowed to form and persist after these experiences and they became my reality. Traumatic childhood events can alter the way we develop and interpret the world, negative coping mechanisms such as escapism through whatever means (could be something as benign as reading, taking anything to an extreme to escape the negative feelings that would otherwise force us to adapt and grow). This is especially prevalent in those that use drugs and I believe even occasional and what could be seen as responsible usage of drugs (it doesn't have to be all out everyday drug abuse) can have people favouring negative perceptions and thoughts that end up being self sabotage.

I am coming to realize that being diagnosed with anxiety and depression so young may have had the effect of me making it a self fulfilling prophecy. I identified with it and basically favoured and gave in to what I would have otherwise have had to push through and transcend. I always have a horribly negative perception of myself and it is this that dictates my behavior, assuming that everyone else is judging me the way that I am judging myself and my negative, inward disposition prevents me from connecting and letting go and also allowing people to connect with me. Basically creating a situation where the outcome is percieved rejection but I didn't allow myself to experience anything but. Negativity can have people not accepting people for their positive attributes and only being able to see what wont work in a given situation, perception is absolutely everything and if you don't allow yourself to embrace positivity and appreciate the positive aspects of another person then it will never work, you will never be ready.

Learning to love and appreciate yourself and not allow yourself to be consumed by the reality of someone who is afflicted by DP/DR and anxiety is easy in theory but once you have accepted this as your reality it will keep being your reality. Anxiety is an irrational fear of the future and is justified by negative past experiences and expecting the future to only hold negative outcomes. It is a horrible affliction and has people suffering but it is you that allows yourself to exist within the confines of it.

This is just how I have come to view it and it will have me transcend self doubt and allow myself to go out on a limb and take a chance and attain positive experiences to draw inspiration from to keep growing and get the most out of life. I hope this makes sense because it seems sort of relevant, I feel I can empathize somewhat with your situation.

 

[GolemGolem]

I can relate as a self-loathing chronic depressive with attachment disorder. . ..Being around people who really have their shit together, who are really doing life right in my eyes makes me uncomfortable. Being close to them makes me worry that my presence will corrupt them and bring them down to my level and then I'd feel really, really bad.
So I like to find people who to me seem to have a similar level of weakness to me, but in a different area of their lives. Still, I worry endlessly about damaging them, and it's hard for me to ever feel truly open and free around anyone I care about. Even my wife who I love more, and more honestly than anyone I've ever met. When the bad times come I still leave so much unsaid and unaddressed.
I've only ever ended casual relationships, I've always had to be dumped once the feelings are real because I can't let go, no matter how bad they start treating me and how obvious holding on is only going to hurt us both...First marriage got real toxic at the end, pretty sure she was borderline and I was completely shut down and loudly hopeless and quietly suicidal.

When my brain decides to change course however then I start worrying that the people I've surrounded myself with are now holding me back, and not letting me do the things I'd need to do to get powerful and/or happy, but now I've personally committed to them...so I get quietly resentful until they run me out or I go back to being depressed.
It sucks. It's all crazy, but knowing it's crazy isn't enough to fix me or my loved ones, but it does help.

Still, if you meet someone you like being around, and you two are attracted to each other romantically....I say go for it....as openly and honestly as practical.

 

[swilow]

Don't worry about your problems. Nobody is perfect. When you meet the right person they will love you so much that they won't even notice your own flaws and imperfections.

More accurately, when you find the right person they will love you regardless of your flaws.

well, since I also had severe DR from a mushroom trip almost four years ago, I believe that DP/DR is basically a very unnerving anxiety symptom. do you also get panic attacks, general anxiety along with th DP/DR?

I get very depersonalised and dissociated when I get stressed. I think its an extension of the freeze/play-dead reflex. The mind tries to escape an intolerable situation. Yet, it is incredibly anxiogenic. There is little that is more stressful then trying to navigate the wider world whilst feeling like you are not real, dreaming.

I would rather heal my life considerably first, then be with a girl and have more to offer.

I understand what you are thinking, but such an ambiguous concept as 'healing' may always be just over the horizon. And a meaningful intimate relationship can be a healing balm in its own right.

"Better to have loved and lost...."

FWIW, I can relate. Salvia is incredibly traumatic. I could never touch that again.