My drug abuse (more ore less) - could I have caused irreversible damage?

[RachaelFromFriends]

Okay so I'm just going to run through my drub abuse over the years, alongside side effects.
2012:
February: 1 pill (small dose 50mg)
April - May: 3 times in small doses of 50 mg each time
September: Once every two weeks (small doses of 80mg - 150mg)
December: Every two weeks two days in a row (doses 100-150mg)

2013:
January: once a pill (dose 150mg)
February: a pill (dose 150mg) + mephedrone
April: once every two weeks dose (150-250 mg)
May: two weekends in a row two days in a row each weekend (250 mg per time)

From this abuse I suffered severe depression/DP/DR so I quit for a long time until mid november where i took two pills (double dropped) (so about 300mg)
I was ended up fine after this and didn't use till may again.

2014:
May: twice (once half a pill, the other time a whole pill)
July: twice two weeks in a row (one pill each time)
September: once over two nights (about 800mg over those 48 hours)
December: once about (350 mg over the whole night)

2015:
February: two nights in a row (250mg each night)
March: Twice two weekends after each other (250 mg each time)
May: Once (250mg)

In 2015 my comedowns would be horrible and long lasting for about 3-7 days, I would also get panic attacks and mood swings here and there and racing thoughts. This continued on for several months until I felt like I recovered.
But stupidly enough I continued due to peer pressure.
mid Sep: once 1 pill (150mg)
end of October: once half a pill (80mg)
start of dec: about 175 mg powdered mdma

Since my last dose in december i had the worst two weeks in a long time. I felt like I was back to summer 2013. I was depressed, anxiety was over the roof and I felt slightly detached. It wasn't as intense as before. Anyways I am much better now since then. But I'm still not feeling 100%. I sometimes still feel a bit spacey and my memory is not as sharp nor is my concentration. I've got anxiety here and there and feeling depressed sometimes. It's kind of like a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel really optimistic and sometimes I feel shit. It's gradually getting better, but then I can take two-steps back sometimes.

Anyways.. I have quit MDMA now. I think it's about time. Not just because of the side effects but because the magic is lost for me. I'm not in love with the drug anymore. I was wondering now from someone experienced if I might have possibly been causing some irreversible damage from my past use?
And if reversible what the timespan of recovery might look like?

(Ps. I have also quit smoking and reduced my alcohol consumption immensely since my last mdma take)

 

[sdnch2312]

This sounds like a pretty normal timespan for the dosages you took and the time you spent abusing.Your brain doesn't looks like its had much time in a state of chemical balance. The fact you have already reached the worst in your comedown after a month is a good sign. Just keep remembering that you are going to recover. It sounds like things on the whole are already getting better for you which makes that easier. What can often cause a far longer "comedown" than the one you are experiencing is the continuous worry about having fucked yourself up for good WHICH YOU HAVE NOT. Keep your attention focused on the end of the tunnel. It doesn't sound like its far away

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

This sounds like a pretty normal timespan for the dosages you took and the time you spent abusing.Your brain doesn't looks like its had much time in a state of chemical balance. The fact you have already reached the worst in your comedown after a month is a good sign. Just keep remembering that you are going to recover. It sounds like things on the whole are already getting better for you which makes that easier. What can often cause a far longer "comedown" than the one you are experiencing is the continuous worry about having fucked yourself up for good WHICH YOU HAVE NOT. Keep your attention focused on the end of the tunnel. It doesn't sound like its far away

Yeah I know. As soon as I've felt somewhat normal I would just do the same thing over again. So it's as you said my brain hasn't been in a chemical balance for too long under these years. My last dose wasn't even a huge one but I think my brain has just had enough. Being alone is scary sometimes, and surrounding myself around people helps take my mind off it for a while.

 

[Tinker55]

Just give it time for your neurochemistry to rebalance. And I would avoid using this type of drug again.

 

[brainiac999UK]

Just give it time for your neurochemistry to rebalance. And I would avoid using this type of drug again.

Seconded. Apart from your neurochemistry being out of wack with the drugs, it could also be amplifying a mild underlying case of pi-polar syndrome for example.
Ah, the brain.... such a mysterious and undiscovered country.

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

Seconded. Apart from your neurochemistry being out of wack with the drugs, it could also be amplifying a mild underlying case of pi-polar syndrome for example.
Ah, the brain.... such a mysterious and undiscovered country.

I have thought of bipolar before. I have constantly been up and down for years but I always took it as a result of my constant use of drugs. Thing is when I'm "up" I only feel normal. And when I'm down I feel depressed and anxious. Never had a manic episode.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

Congratulations on the abstinence from MDMA, that's the first step to recovery. I think cardio is really important to recover from amphetamines (many studies have showed this) and it also builds new serotonin cells in a really important part of the brain. MDMA doesn't hurt serotonin cells themselves but can trim some of the connections called axons and these take time to grow back, it might take a full year for things to really grow back.

But studies have shown that they do grow back and even severe MDMA abusers (1000 pills) serotonin levels do return to normal with abstinence and time. Cardio will just help speed things along. As often as you can manage going for a run for half an hour I really recommend it. It also builds new arteries in the brain and this will help your recovery, especially if you're having blood pressure problems (which if I remember right I think you were, and that could be a sign of deconditioning and this will impair your brains recovery).

Memory problems are the most commonly associated problems with MDMA, but cardio can help with this. Mindfulness meditation can help with derealization too. One of the most important factors in recovery is sleep. If you're not getting at least 7 hours because of troubles sleeping we should find a medication for you. You brain builds most of its new cells and whatnot in your sleep. How is your sleep?

Also I'm of the opinion that much mild bipolar goes undiagnosed or gets diagnosed as depression because the mania is very mild. If you're having sleeping issues I think it's a dead giveaway you're having more problems than just depression that you would normally treat with SSRIs. I mean SSRIs are an option and they do help your brain make new serotonin cells but they can cause insomnia so you usually only use them in people who are the opposite- tired all the time and sleeping too much.

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

Knowing that I haven't done permanent damage is a relief.
Then comes the question of mild bipolar which causes worry. I do not want to exclude it nor do I want to diagnose myself. I think the fact that my brain has been in imbalance quite frequently justifies some of my constant side effects. And I think I would have to be a sober for at least 6 months up to a year and if symptoms persist I can then think of an underlying reason.
Also if I go to the doctors and explain my symptoms I can't leave out my drug abuse, in case they misdiagnose. And the last thing I need is some judgy doctors opinion.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

If it's drug induced bipolar then I think it will resolve just like drug induced psychosis, but the main thing I must emphasize is that exercise speeds up the process. Give it a good year of daily exercise and you'll be back to normal, whatever your normal was Did you have problems before MDMA?

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

If it's drug induced bipolar then I think it will resolve just like drug induced psychosis, but the main thing I must emphasize is that exercise speeds up the process. Give it a good year of daily exercise and you'll be back to normal, whatever your normal was Did you have problems before MDMA?

Does it really sound like bipolar though? To me it feels more like a drug induced depression. And yes time will heal hopefully. I'm starting exercising for sure. I have had a bit of anxiety before my drug abuse, but it was related to things that were going on in my life. My anxiety since MDMA though has become somewhat of a general anxiety. It subsides a lot when I have been sober for a while.
The weird thing is when I'm around people I always feel good. I can be around people for 2 weeks and constantly feel good. And then when I'm alone for a day or more I just start noticing more how I feel. I used to never be like this. I used to love being alone all the time. Was kind of an introvert.

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

I think being around other people gets your serotonin going. But naww it doesn't really sound like bipolar if anything just substance induced depression/anxiety but it will get better for sure, keep at the exercise. You can sure try 5-HTP as well. I recommend 100mg.

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

I think being around other people gets your serotonin going. But naww it doesn't really sound like bipolar if anything just substance induced depression/anxiety but it will get better for sure, keep at the exercise. You can sure try 5-HTP as well. I recommend 100mg.

Thanks for all your advice really appreciate it. And I think you're right about the depression/anxiety. I am going to exercise and go to a counsellor just to ease my mind a bit.

 

[poloblue]

Counselors can b really helpful man the one I have now I consider real good friend n even look forward to seeing him lol I've had some that I deff didn't tho, so make sure u find one who u gel w/....as for the irreversible shit id say ur good man, I wish I had the drug track record u laid out in ur OP.

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

Counselors can b really helpful man the one I have now I consider real good friend n even look forward to seeing him lol I've had some that I deff didn't tho, so make sure u find one who u gel w/....as for the irreversible shit id say ur good man, I wish I had the drug track record u laid out in ur OP.

I def agree. I've had a counsellor before and it was like she literally cured me with a magic hand. She was really good. What does your track record look like and your recovery?

 

[Cotcha Yankinov]

I'll throw my track record in here just to make you feel better lol, hundreds of pills (probably about 300 minimum 400 hundred maximum) all in around one year or so starting when I was 14, basically a big binge ending when I was 15 and a half. Sometimes 10+pills binges over days, staying awake for 5 days straight many times. A lot of the pills were probably meth, some of the pills tested out as bath salts but I took them anyways. Many times mixing it with adderall or cough syrup or mushrooms. At some point there was a complete descent into madness, horrible voices in the head and everything.

I hope you feel better soon, my advice to my younger self would've been exercise lots. I always regretted not having started doing cardio sooner. 4 times a week of 30 minutes jogging is pretty much the magic routine for recovering from amphetamines/MDMA. It really does make all the difference in the world.

 

[RachaelFromFriends]

Okay I guess my track record is not as bad as I thought then, haha which makes me feel a little bit better and optimistic about side effects subsiding. And I feel like I'm getting better I just don't want to jinx it. I think talking to someone about it helps relieve the stress and anxiety around the matter and speaking to people hear and getting advice has helped a lot. It's crazy how powerful the human mind is and I don't think you realise until you use drugs and recover from them