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I finally want it.....

J

JM357

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 4, 2013
Messages
308
I finally want to get clean and just have a few hurdles in my way. Almost a month ago I ordered some RC benzos; I figured that since when I rarely take them I take 3-4mgs clonazepam (was once or twice a month) and when I very rarely took alprazolam I took the same dose or a little more I figured 3mgs of etizolam would be fine. Ended up in a blackout, was in hospital twice (don't remember being released the first time) my daughter is now in my parents custody, I was booked yesterday for misdeameanor child endangerment by neglect. My parents took the car back (I'm 30 and my family car is registered to my parents-pathetic).

I do have a lot of anxiety and chronic back pain due to some fairly severe issues. My PCP said if I go on the clinic (was on suboxone) and have since months clean urines on MMT that he can refer me to the doctor in his practice who prescribes methadone for pain depending what the orthapedic specialist says on Jan 14th. I actually see hope- and guilt that it was out of the darkness of that my child was alllegedly endangered. Depending what the courts say (I can do probation and give cleans on MMT- I know I want it now) this could go ahead and six months from now my pain may have help being managed and probably a year (maybe less depending how much I impress the courts) I can get my little girl back. My wife hasn't divorced me though things are rough (I won't get into her issues here as it is not my place).

I thank God my daughter is with my parents and not with the system (the police, and I truly thank them for this, called them to get her instead of child services).

If being on MMT then pain management EXACTLY following doctor's orders is sober I truly want it now. My first obstacle is that the methadone clinic makes you stop using suboxone 72 hours beforehand- they basically don't care if you use dope. But I set an appointment with my PCP for jan 5th (that afternoon- have first family court appearance in the morning) to talk about this matter. In my own mind I have thought about shooting the suboxone (since the IV half life average is a few hours and I know from personal experience when I was getting them off the street my pupils were huge six hours after a 1mg shot (even trying 2mgs didn't seem to make much difference). I also do get my gabapentin RX on Jan 6th and my clonidine RX Jan9th (It would be Jan 8th-10th that I would have to not take subs). I'm thinking gabapentin+clonidine+immodium (in GI doses not super doses) may do it. But I will leave the decisions to my doctor.

I just don't want to use anymore.
 
Sorry if any of this was out of line for sober living- first time posting in this part of bluelight I believe and tried to go over rules but still just let me know if anything was wrong......
 
Captain.Heroin said:
I'm glad to know you want to get clean man!

It sounds like you have hit your rock bottom. Have you started making a plan for some changes?
Click to expand...

Planning your recovery is key. You will come across obstacles as you heal that if you already have a plan setup that can you take a look at, because lets face it, as addicts are first response to negative stimuli is to get high, to escape. I actually have a list of numbers in my pocket, and specific actions to take to keep me sober all the way down to finding a hidden stash I forgot about in the house.

hidden stash: leave it where it is, call your friend, have them on the phone to talk to you while you flush it so you at least have someone there with you and you are not tempted.

I actually just flushed all my backup benzos so I could follow my taper plan better. It was quite a supply....and I am sure there are some rats in the sewer that are blacked out right now.


on another note. I am estranged from my son. You are absolutely doing the right thing. When my ex took my son, I fell into a spiral of shame and guilt that lead me to pickup again and go back to some extremely self destructive behaviors. I get to talk to him now, but I have missed many milestones in his life, and I maybe see him once a year for a day or two. However, I am so grateful for the opportunity that I would never even throw that away ever again. Here is a piece of advice. Stand up for yourself in family court. The state can and will railroad you. Do you have a Guardian Ad Litem for your child? Be open, but hold back on gory details with him/her. Remember, if you don't win this time, check out your local government website. You can find all the documents that will become your petitions to family court on that sight. Family court lawyers are expensive...if you lose the first time, file the petitions yourself, it will save you money, to only have your lawyer there for actual court dates. Make sure you have a good lawyer.....they will know which questions are okay to ask you and what is out of line.

Good luck my friend...I am currently filling out joint custody petitions, and a petition to keep my son in the country.
 
In the basics my plan to get clean is: MMT, AA/NA (been going to a meeting a day right now, have a temporary sponsor okay with MMT/Pain Management (he says I'm sober as long as I take everything exactly as prescribed by the doctor) and am gathering numbers (9 people I can call so far)), working on what I want to do in life (studying the compTIA A+- want to eventually get into computer security or linux systems administration, but I know this is the sort of last of the order but I love working on computers and need something to replace drugs), not staying around using friends (if they want to get clean I'd love to see them at a meeting but am not strong enough to help on my own yet).

Right now I actually live with my wife, my parents have my daughter. We go to court on the 5th

One thing scaring the shit out of me: I know my food stamp benefits will change now (after court on the 5th we will have to inform them we no longer have custody) but will my health insurance? I live in a state that signed the expansion and we still make far below the max amount to recieve medicaid (well a form of it). Don't know what I'd do if cut off that means no suboxone even (which was working some days and not others.

I am on a fast taper from diclazepam (hard enough to get a doc to prescribe a benzo taper- got rid of the rest as I figure the diclaz was the only one suitable for tapering). My sis who is a nurse practitioner says I should probably just be able to stop without too much agony and no risk though b/c benzo use has been less than 4 weeks and only like 12 days were at rec use levels (she did not condemn a quick taper though). I am scared though. All I have for a stash is my subs (and I'm not even inducted on methadone yet) and probably a little over 10mgs of diclaz. I do get my RX gabapentin in 3 days and figure I could prob stop benzos then.
 
I just didn't want to put my wife's shit out there but she is planning on going to a detox I believe after the 5th. She had far less physical dependency than I. I don't want to say anything more than that.

She does sort of blame me though- even though she had used before we met, b/c she was never physically dependent before).
 
Just tried calling the clinic but it appears they are no longer open on sundays (good that I will at least get one take home a week to start- when I went it was 7 days a week). My state also has horrible detoxes- like none that accept medicaid and actually have a doctor. Most people go to the state next door and say they are homeless, which is true at that point, and go to detox there. But with my pain issues I really don't know if I can do this without either suboxone or methadone (have a history of 4 fractures in my spine and 3 degenerated, dessicated, slipping discs).

Also, should I still post in other drugs? Although I am not the best there is or anything I do feel I know the basics of harm reduction and enjoy helping prevent others from making health damaging or possibly fatal mistakes. On the other hand there is a lot of drug talk of "hey, did you hear about this latest greatest RC?"

I have been a lurker on BL far longer than a poster and noticed Captain Heroin (no offense but you just always stood out as extremely knowledgable, etc.) doesn't post other places as much anymore. But manyboychef (again, no offense meant, you are very helpful and knowledgeable) you still tend to post other places (I am mostly at other drugs as opioids are my DOC)

And MBC sorry to hear you are having the problems you are; I am thankful things are still fairly straightforward with me as it is just visiting my parents to see my daughter.
 
One thing though- I finally can picture enjoying other things while not high. I used to think "even if I won the powerball (which I didn't last night- I checked my numbers of my one tickect :) ) what could I do that I would enjoy other than buy a bunch of drugs?" Now I tend to think of helping others and maybe doing something to help change some injustices out there- don't want to get into politics too much.
 
Hang in there JM you really do want this I see you called clinic on sunday, that is like a really positive action for lack of better word on your part. I only have 8 days today but to me it is an accomplishment with suboxone. You can do this, for yourself and your child. I had typed a post yesterday but don't know what I did to it?? It takes time, determination and losses to finally surrender, I hope mmt starts real soon for ya, you have alot to look forward to bono
 
JM357 said:
Just tried calling the clinic but it appears they are no longer open on sundays (good that I will at least get one take home a week to start- when I went it was 7 days a week). My state also has horrible detoxes- like none that accept medicaid and actually have a doctor. Most people go to the state next door and say they are homeless, which is true at that point, and go to detox there. But with my pain issues I really don't know if I can do this without either suboxone or methadone (have a history of 4 fractures in my spine and 3 degenerated, dessicated, slipping discs).

Also, should I still post in other drugs? Although I am not the best there is or anything I do feel I know the basics of harm reduction and enjoy helping prevent others from making health damaging or possibly fatal mistakes. On the other hand there is a lot of drug talk of "hey, did you hear about this latest greatest RC?"

I have been a lurker on BL far longer than a poster and noticed Captain Heroin (no offense but you just always stood out as extremely knowledgable, etc.) doesn't post other places as much anymore. But manyboychef (again, no offense meant, you are very helpful and knowledgeable) you still tend to post other places (I am mostly at other drugs as opioids are my DOC)

And MBC sorry to hear you are having the problems you are; I am thankful things are still fairly straightforward with me as it is just visiting my parents to see my daughter.
Click to expand...
You can post wherever you want.

Getting on MMT is a really positive step. Just remember that the initial buzz you get from it is going to fade no matter how high you run up your dose. So don't be dumb like me and end up on 140mg a day.
 
I plan on aiming for about 60mgs or so. I can be switched over in probably seven months (first month stabilization then six months clean urines- not that I plan on using but going into the clinic I doubt the benzos will be out of my system yet- just finishing taper- and not sure when the first test that counts will be yet). 60 used to hold me (I'm on subs now and that almost does, still have cravings). Might go up to 80 for some time if I have to but 80 to 60 wouldn't be that hard from past experience at a few mgs a week.

Where it may be switched over to for pain I asked my PCP about reasonable doses- I asked if 60-70mgs a day could be reasonable and he said he thought so. I don't think many pain patients will get 150mgs a day though.
 
JM357 said:
I plan on aiming for about 60mgs or so. I can be switched over in probably seven months (first month stabilization then six months clean urines- not that I plan on using but going into the clinic I doubt the benzos will be out of my system yet- just finishing taper- and not sure when the first test that counts will be yet). 60 used to hold me (I'm on subs now and that almost does, still have cravings). Might go up to 80 for some time if I have to but 80 to 60 wouldn't be that hard from past experience at a few mgs a week.

Where it may be switched over to for pain I asked my PCP about reasonable doses- I asked if 60-70mgs a day could be reasonable and he said he thought so. I don't think many pain patients will get 150mgs a day though.
Click to expand...

That sounds like a reasonable plan. If the benzos are being legally prescribed by a doctor that knows your on MMT then it probably wont be an issue. If your using illicitly then you may have trouble depending on the clinic.
 
crimsonjunk said:
That sounds like a reasonable plan. If the benzos are being legally prescribed by a doctor that knows your on MMT then it probably wont be an issue. If your using illicitly then you may have trouble depending on the clinic.
Click to expand...

I just finishing tapering off RC benzos- I know my clinic has special rules for benzos (if you pop a dirty a few times can be kicked off and take homes are limited even if prescribed)
 
I got rid of everything except diclaz; done taper by first meeting on 6th. Meet with doctor on 11th. Know if I continued to pop dirties would be kicked off (they don't seem to care about much when it comes to the initial) and they even have special rules regarding take homes for RXes.
 
Damn it! it looks like federal guidelines stop an initial screening of benzos from getting on the clinic unless there is a RX? I am practically crying right now. Only thing I could do is get a different urine (their testing sucks).
 
It is perfectly normal to have cravings on suboxone. As a partial agonist, they only keep you out of withdrawal. If you have a significant tolerance you will be left wanting more. I ended up on a really bad IV coke bender because I was still craving a rush, but there was nothing to get me high in the opiate world, and at that point I was already dependent on benzos.

Fortunately you have not been on benzos for years. They change you.

Always remember, tackle each things that come at you as just that....don't put all your problems in a pile and jump on top thinking you can take it all on. This will drastically increase your chances of success with as little heartache as possible. It was one of the things I have had to learn to do with my mental health diagnosis as I taper my benzos. I have to look at each problem individually that I am facing and ask for help if I need it (I am an upstate new york irishman, we don't ask for help easily, and generally keep our emotions close to our vests). I have only had a couple of panic attacks, and I keep rescue doses of benzos on hand to help me mitigate them until I can learn to mitigate them on my own, or at least tolerate them better. They always seem to happen when I focus on multiple problems at once.

When it comes to your wife. If you love her, do whatever you can to back her up. Disregard any acrimony she has towards you because she is detoxing...eventually with the proper counseling she will understand her role in the problems in your relationship, and in her own life, and you will be able to work together as a partnership to overcome them. This only works if you also take responsibility for your role in problems in your relationship and self. Remember, honesty, openness, giving and receiving love in a healthy manner, and willingness to forgive one another are the cornerstones of the healthy relationship.


just saw your last post! Okay you may need to see your gp and explain what you are doing. Do you still have insurance?
 
The initial dose of methadone typically is in the range
of 10–30 mg per day. If the initial dose is not sufficient to
relieve withdrawal symptoms, the patient should be asked
to wait for reassessment in 2 to 4 hours, when peak levels
have been reached. At that time, an additional 5 to 10 mg of
methadone may be provided if withdrawal symptoms have not
been suppressed or if symptoms reappear. The total daily dose
of methadone on the first day of treatment should not exceed
40 mg.
In the following high-risk situations, an initial dose of
10–20 mg, with careful dose titration, is recommended:
1. The patient is older than age 60. Changes in metabolism that
accompany aging warrant lower initial methadone doses.
2. The patient recently used benzodiazepines or other sedatives
for therapeutic purposes or abuse. An exception might
be the patient who has been on a small dose of benzodiazepines
for at least several months.
3. The patient has used other sedating drugs such as antipsychotics
and sedating antidepressants, particularly if the sedating
drug was initiated or increased within the preceding
two months or the dose is moderate to high.
 
I'm going to stop the benzos TODAY and hope they give the urine the day of the 11th and it is a quick cup. If I end up on 10mgs my first day it will be hell. Maybe talk about this with my GP
 
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