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Chance Missed or Relationship Saved

Chimeric

Chimeric

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 2, 2006
Messages
382
Location
Ph
Well I never thought I would come -this- close to cheating on my SO on a Christmas day but sometimes life presents you with unexpected opportunities. Last Dec. 25, I hung out with an old friend of mine named Tamia. From the day we met I've always had a particular fondness for her. It's weird because I've always had a crush on her but I never did anything about it. I was OK with being her friend. Friendzoned they call it, but I didn't mind. I've always found her attractive, and I've told her that. But I've never asked her out in a dating sense. And she's never sent those female signals to show me she's interested in me. Last Dec. 25, 2015 Tamia and I had already been friends for seven years 8o. She's still hung over her ex who dumped her after a three-year relationship. Also, I'd already met a wonderful girl last February; with this other girl--let's call her Audrey--I was hit by a thunderbolt, I really fell for her. I was not too afraid to ask her out or anything because she's so beautiful and it just felt right. I always found it interesting that I could have lingering crush on Tamia but still fall hard and fast for Audrey, but as I said sometimes life presents us with unexpected opportunities.

Last Dec. 25, 2015 Tamia was really hurting from her break up and so she asked me to come drink and smoke with her in the evening. Prior to this my girlfriend Audrey had already been away for five months because she's been taking a PhD in another country. So I'd been getting more chances to hang out with Tamia. Because of her breakup, Tamia's been going on about how she'd be willing to just make out with random dudes if it "felt right" and it wasn't too pre-conceived--think of it as plausible deniability. So last Dec. 25, after we'd drunk and smoked a few, Tamia starts talking about how she needs somebody to make out with. Long story short, I would have absolutely done it, and she was practically already leaning into me, which is something she'd never done before. But all I could do was kind of glance at her a little and feel awkward hahahahahahaha. Anyway we moved on shortly after and nothing happened.

So now I feel this whole conflict of emotions and confusions. I love Audrey and I would not want to hurt her, so in that sense I "did the right thing." On the other hand I would be lying if I said I hadn't fantasized about making out with Tamia for so long already. And part of me feels like I missed that unexpected opportunity especially considering she was presenting herself to me in a way I never thought would be so straightforward (easy?). I'm not proud that I fantasize about Tamia and love Audrey. I did not do anything. but I feel like it was a missed opportunity. Does that make me an asshole? I want to do the right thing still. Would appreciate any feedback or advice especially from people who can understand where I'm coming from.
 
Thanks for the thread. My 16+ year long relationship had been ending for several years but now it's "out in the open" as of 2:30 am his morning so now more expending energy I don't have to salvage a sinking ship.
After some sleep finally at 8 am - not drug induced wakefulness, I'm feeling a sense of relief.
Having hidden repressed feelings never seems to led to a good outcome in my experience.
 
After reading this story, I'm feeling bit relax. Because you guys have had more then 5 years of relationship bonding with your fellows, and I've just recently ended my 3 years relationship with my ex. Feeling calm finally because she was a pain for me.
 
Look when you are in a relationship and you love someone, even if you are head over heels for someone, it is still possible to have feelings for another person or be attracted to them. Especially on a sexual level, its something both men and women feel, I know since I am a woman and I have met guys I was attracted to or had moments where I felt that connection with somebody, so that is normal. What you have to think about is how much you love your current partner and all the reasons you are with them, which in a good relationship are for far more reasons than just sexual feelings.

When you truly truly love somene its because you have a connection to that person on a deeper level than anyone else, they know your talents and they know your faults and they love you for all of you. They are not just a lover but a friend and a companion. Someone you share your random thoughts with at night or your dreams with in the morning, something who knows all your little quirks. When you love somebody in a relationship and they love you they should be able to make you feel good on every level of your senses, not just the sexual ones but the emotional ones too. They should be there for you when you are at worst, not just at your sexiest. Thats why you COMMIT to them, thats why I have NEVER cheated in in a serious relationship and do not regret it.

By cheating on someone you claim that you really truly love you are betraying that person, betraying their trust and betraying their love. And frankly that would make you kind of a shitty person.
 
Not to high jack, you did the right thing, but this thread is exactly why the hell its not ok for your girlfriend to go to the movies with her male "coworker" friend. Don't put yourself in a situation you can fall in to temptation. The feelings you have are temporary and you should concentrate on your existing relationship.
 
^ the guy's girlfriend lives in another country - and he remained faithful to her, despite feeling attracted to someone else.
Not the best comparison.
 
nekointheclouds said:
Look when you are in a relationship and you love someone, even if you are head over heels for someone, it is still possible to have feelings for another person or be attracted to them. Especially on a sexual level, its something both men and women feel, I know since I am a woman and I have met guys I was attracted to or had moments where I felt that connection with somebody, so that is normal. What you have to think about is how much you love your current partner and all the reasons you are with them, which in a good relationship are for far more reasons than just sexual feelings.

When you truly truly love somene its because you have a connection to that person on a deeper level than anyone else, they know your talents and they know your faults and they love you for all of you. They are not just a lover but a friend and a companion. Someone you share your random thoughts with at night or your dreams with in the morning, something who knows all your little quirks. When you love somebody in a relationship and they love you they should be able to make you feel good on every level of your senses, not just the sexual ones but the emotional ones too. They should be there for you when you are at worst, not just at your sexiest. Thats why you COMMIT to them, thats why I have NEVER cheated in in a serious relationship and do not regret it.

By cheating on someone you claim that you really truly love you are betraying that person, betraying their trust and betraying their love. And frankly that would make you kind of a shitty person.
Click to expand...
This minus the shitty person part cuz we just humans afterall

Also

If you can't be with the one you love
Honey love the one you're with
 
You can DEFINITELY have feelings for someone while being in a relationship. I absolutely love my partner of over five years. But I've had crushes on other guys too. It's not a big deal. I don't act on them because I love him more than anything.

I think you did the right thing. You love Audrey. She's probably an amazing person. Tamia, well she's probably awesome too, and she will find someone in her life as well. Unless you are actually unhappy with your relationship with Audrey, then you definitely did the right thing :)
 
spacejunk said:
^ the guy's girlfriend lives in another country - and he remained faithful to her, despite feeling attracted to someone else.
Not the best comparison.
Click to expand...

Her being away for 5 months for school is no excuse to go running around with a girl the he wants to fuck. It's a perfect comparison. It shows you how challenging it can be not to cheat on your SO. Had he not put himself in that situation at all he wouldn't be going through any of this right now.
 
Thank you for all of you who've taken the time to reply so far. It's reassuring to be reminded that having outside crushes in serious relationships is a common occurrence and that there's more to a serious relationship than sex. I don't know why thoughts of cheating are entertaining to me. I know my relationship with Audrey (my SO) is special, and I would not rationally hurt it just for a hook up. But I don't know I guess that's just the nature of humans and maybe if it were so easy to stay faithful, it would not be as meaningful in the long run.
 
gmlifer said:
If that's a fact then why do almost 50% of married people cheat on their spouses? Sounds like you have your eyes wide shut to me.
Click to expand...

No one actually knows what percentage of people cheat, unless you polled everyone in the world using polygraphs.
 
nekointheclouds said:
Look when you are in a relationship and you love someone, even if you are head over heels for someone, it is still possible to have feelings for another person or be attracted to them. Especially on a sexual level, its something both men and women feel, I know since I am a woman and I have met guys I was attracted to or had moments where I felt that connection with somebody, so that is normal. What you have to think about is how much you love your current partner and all the reasons you are with them, which in a good relationship are for far more reasons than just sexual feelings.

When you truly truly love somene its because you have a connection to that person on a deeper level than anyone else, they know your talents and they know your faults and they love you for all of you. They are not just a lover but a friend and a companion. Someone you share your random thoughts with at night or your dreams with in the morning, something who knows all your little quirks. When you love somebody in a relationship and they love you they should be able to make you feel good on every level of your senses, not just the sexual ones but the emotional ones too. They should be there for you when you are at worst, not just at your sexiest. Thats why you COMMIT to them, thats why I have NEVER cheated in in a serious relationship and do not regret it.

By cheating on someone you claim that you really truly love you are betraying that person, betraying their trust and betraying their love. And frankly that would make you kind of a shitty person.
Click to expand...
^this shit right here. Lol
Audrey will be there in the end, the other girl will find another dude and move on. You would've just been convenient to her.
Be thankful that u have what u have, the grass isn't always greener, trust me. You'd be feeling really guilty right now if u went through with it and that would've manifested itself in ur relationship and possibly destroyed both relationships. Just my opinion.
 
Good job man. I have never been in a long distance relationship, and could see what a challenge that would be. Probably not suited for the majority of people I would think. My brother had a girl he dated in high school who went out of state for college. They had planned on staying together. I think it lasted for maybe about four or five months before they both decided it was too great of a challenge being separated that long while being surrounded by other people their age looking for relationships. I can think of a lot of examples of this regarding friends and family where the long distance thing did not work out.

Sometimes distance brings people closer, but more often it just creates distance. The fact you stayed strong is a sign that you guys have a chance at making things work. Whether or not you missed out on an oppurtunity is really up to you to decide. It sounds like keeping your current relationship is more important to you then exploring new ones.
 
So much good advice in this thread. What's in your head should stay there for now.
My relationship of over sixteen years has been in a downward spiral for the last seven years.
The last five years of what had now, unbeknownst to me, had become a waste of time, effort, and energy.
I still refuse to cheat on someone even if it's a "Going through the motions" of a relationship.
Having her finally admit to me that it would not now or ever be a continuing relationship and having her say it out loud and myself thinking, then saying "Ok, we're done." has now freed me.
The chains were getting fairly heavy but it was a burden I had to bear. I refuse to cheat. Period. End of the subject.
Walking out the other side of the last five days of drama knowing that I was true to my word and consider my word to be better than any written contract could ever be, I know that NOT cheating has been the best thing ever.
As much of a horn dog as I am, I can look at myself in the mirror and look anyone straight in the eye without hesitation or doubt say "I NEVER cheated on her or anyone else my entire 60+ years stumbling around 3/4 of the land mass of this Planet Earth." is a feeling that way outweighs any other urges I may or may not have had.
It's called INTEGRITY and CHARACTER.
Integrity is being honest and true to your word.
Character is what you do when nobody's looking.
Two traits which seem to be severely lacking in today's world.
Being also the father of two little girls I would stop at nothing to protect them.
Everyone in the world, I believe, has had thoughts of doing something outside a relationship, even just seeing a hot looking chick and having the thought of "I'd like to screw her" flash across your brain is human.
Then you get older and think gosh, that girl is younger than my oldest daughter. How could I even think that. "Because she's 26 and hotter than a case of M-80's and I'm human." is why.
I'm human and I'm not dead yet!
Having the capability to distinguish right from wrong in our actions and deeds is ALSO what makes us human and separates us from most of the mammals on this Planet.
Being able to be true to your word and look squarely in your own eyes in the mirror - PRICELESS!!!
I heard in one of those counseling sessions I went to after divorce in 1993 some guy talked about as a father having a passing sexual thought about his own daughter had terrified him.
The counselor told him that he was normal. Not ACTING on a passing thought makes it just that - a passing thought.
I have come close, very close, to crossing that line in my first marriage but she was way more important to me than anything else. I would never have been able to look her in the eyes and calmly, peacefully say "I never cheated on you."
Tread very carefully here is what I would say. Not only think about it but perhaps write down on paper which can be burned/shredded a list of things, good and bad, about going in either direction you choose to go, and right now you STILL have the power to make an informed decision.
The benefits of doing this BEFORE you cheat on her with another woman coupled with the fact of the girl you grew up with knowing "he cheated on her, how can I ever be sure he won't cheat on me" rattling around the back of her head FOR ALL TIME is definitely something is also worth thinking about.
You WILL thank yourself later.
Well, now that I have written down my personal thoughts on the subject I think it's time for me to move on and let others "I would welcome it" weigh in with their opinions on my writings.
 
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Really lovin' the input in this thread. Thanks, everyone. The long distance factor is def. a challenge because my girlfriend is away and I'm surrounded by attractive women. Sigh. But I can surely see myself growing older with my current SO and, so, it's really a case of delaying gratification now isn't it? Giving up the pleasurable opportunities around me now for the lasting health of my relationship in the decades to come.
 
yeah i dont think cheating cos you hadn't had sex in 5 months would be a good move.

if its meant to be with this other girl it wont be as a rebound fuck that jeopardises your current relationship
 
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