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Rakshasa

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 22, 2015
Messages
17
Tried. Four days without H.
Sick as hell, haven't slept.
Got through the worst of the physical side and felt determined the first two days.

Today I lost the mental game and now I'm waiting for something to get dropped off.
I need it. I need to do normal life things and get shit done and I cannot. CTing fucks my life up worse than using.

I think it's easier when you're physically very sick. Never wanting to feel like that again adds determination, trying to just survive the next five minutes becomes all-consuming. Then reality starts setting back in and nothing about life is appealing. Wanting to feel useful again becomes the all-consuming thing.

Registered here because I don't have anyone to talk to and just needed to vent my failure a little.
 
hey i'm sorry you are going through this. How long were you using for. what was your ROA? how old are you? is rehab an option.

4 days is amazing. I've been through it so I know. next time just work on getting 5 days under your belt and so on. Do not give up. But make sure you keep getting back up. You can defeat this. It doesn't matter if you succeed on your 1st try, or you 50th try. All that matters is you succeed in overcoming this addiction.
 
Its hard as fuck but you can do it. You gotta lose your dealers though. I've done it like 10x now. Its hell, but about 10 days later you feel ok. Then after a month your doing shit again. Your tricking yourself man. You need to stay off drugs to feel normal. I honestly am just so sick of opiates now thats what keeps me sober. I've gotten triggered a few times and relapsed and I spiral out of control so hard. I can relapse on a few percs and be shooting up 3 days later. After about 2 weeks of that I pull myself together and go sick. Going sick is just about forgetting the option of drugs exist. Also, the fact that your drugs r delivered gonna make it way harder on u. Once I get sick, I cant travel, so it makes it a lot easier to just stay put. Good Luck bro!!

Get sick of opiates man. itching and nodding out all day long, wondering if this is the time you do too much, thats no life man!!
 
Rakshasa said:
I think it's easier when you're physically very sick. Never wanting to feel like that again adds determination, trying to just survive the next five minutes becomes all-consuming. Then reality starts setting back in and nothing about life is appealing. Wanting to feel useful again becomes the all-consuming thing.
Click to expand...

Ain't that the truth. I always slip up right after the physical shitstorm subsides and I'm left with mental instability and insomnia. You just have to power through all of it if you don't want to restart the cycle over and over. Easier said than done I know but that slow return to positivity is all part of coming off dope. Good luck dude.
 
^ Yeah it takes time. You didn't just do drugs, you also let your life slip away. You need to rebuild!
 
nygiants1313 said:
hey i'm sorry you are going through this. How long were you using for. what was your ROA? how old are you? is rehab an option.

4 days is amazing. I've been through it so I know. next time just work on getting 5 days under your belt and so on. Do not give up. But make sure you keep getting back up. You can defeat this. It doesn't matter if you succeed on your 1st try, or you 50th try. All that matters is you succeed in overcoming this addiction.
Click to expand...

I'm 30 years old, I've been on-and-off with benzos and opiates since I was a teenager but started doing oxy again for about a month and then went on a ~4-ish month H thing (blowing it, not booting it, so at least I've got that going for me?) after being clean for a couple years and got myself caught up worse than ever.

I ramped back up a bit after my original post but now I've tapered to about 0.1g/day... or I did for a few days up until yesterday and today. Setbacks.

Came clean to my girlfriend of 3+ years... we've been close since we were about 20 and watched many mutual friends die from opiates.
She was suspicious and I was lying about it.
She feels betrayed and is not at all supportive of my taper plan.. we were doing the oxy together because she wanted it, but she thinks anything that comes from a pharmie company is perfectly fine while H is evil and terrible and bad.
She's never gotten bad enough to go through real WD and doesn't have any idea what it's like. In her opinion, I'm just being weak and pathetic if I don't restart CTing right now.

So that's done, she's done with me and I'm realizing that having her in my life is just going to serve as a trigger. It's been a completely toxic relationship for both of us for endless reasons so I know it's better for all, but dealing with the fallout from that situation has put me back up around 0.5g/day yesterday and today, which is not terrible I suppose but not the direction I wanted to be trending.

On the other hand, it has helped me figure out that I want to be 100% clean for me, not for her or anyone else.
A little late in the game for someone my age, but I'm finally fully realizing why I use drugs in the first place: a deep internal dislike for myself.
So now I'm thinking a lot more about the things I do like about myself and the things I'm good at, and trying to focus on being kinder to myself.

Back on the taper tomorrow. I hope to be at zero by end-of-week and hopefully a more mild detox over the weekend.
Thank you guys for the support, I can't get that from the people in my life.
 
We are not that different you and I.
I am on day 4 of no Heroin - CT withdrawal.
I feel like I'm over the hump.
You got this!!
If I can do it, I know you can too.
We all want change, and I know with each others support we can pull thru.
Don't give up hope. I need your hope to help me with mine.
We are all a team.
Take it one day at a time.

Cheers mate.
 
Thank you! I've been reading your other posts in TDS.
Found the forum while I was searching around for advice on OTC meds that might help and it's amazing how much less lonely the process is when strangers on the Internet can relate.
 
I think I did it.
Did a slow taper for about a week with one slip-up, then went sick over the weekend, but it wasn't nearly as harsh having tapered.
Still miserable of course, but the girl I thought had given up locked me down and took care of me, which made a huge difference.

I did a very tiny pinch Saturday morning. It's now Tuesday.
I have some chills and aches and I'm not nearly 100%, but I feel good.
 
You're doing great! I am on day 12 of no heroin and I don't feel too bad at all - Just a little bit of PAWS
 
Rakshasa, thats great!! You got it, dont give up now. You def got it. I think the mental part is harder too. The dread you feel is terrible. Never have fun again or be normal. Ive been thru too many wd's over the years but im on taper now and hoping ill get away from dam opiates for good. Ive never been thru bottomed out H withdrawl but my best friend kicked it and he descibed how it was in rehab first week or so. He was coming off H and Subs together. So i can say ive wd'd from opites but not like that. Im not gonna feed you the bullshit line i know how you feel cause i dont. I battling and tapering dilaudid but same difference. My ROA changed 3 months ago and it has pulled me in like crazy!!! Everyday i dont do it i win but its tough. You def have a road ahead of you and props for making the right decision.
 
Keep it up man, woman, gender neutral, or otherkin of sorts, whoever you are. I've steered clear of the H because it would be the end of me. Ive had troubles with codeine lol, granted I consume mega doses because i get i otc and do extractions mostly.. but ive ct'd from them and had what are described as standard opiate withdrawals to the point of puking, shaking, not bein able to sleep etc and I know exactly what you mean when you say you have to use just to function.. thats the pits.. Ive had issues with iv coke over the last year and ive never felt such a compulsion to use with anything ever.. literally the wors, and its all mental- thank fucking god- anyone who has the balls to try going c/t after any heavy opiate use has myrespect. I can only imagine h withdrawal would be like my coke experience combined with codeine times ten. gah

goodluck
 
Hope all are well! This is the dark side so appropriate. This is my 3 rd days off my dilaudids. My plan was to keep the taper down until i stop and just smoke weed. If i could only see out this agony for another few days il be almost free. But i have a script to be filled in morning and im gnna dive right into it and fuck everything up. I thought i coupd get off opiates and just smoke but both sites of my chronic pain hurt and my back went out 7 days ago. Right now ill do whatever it takes to pain to subside. Physical pain and WD pain. Today is my last day of smoking so i can pass test next month at pain clinic and just stay on opiates. They got me. I surrender. I still have my gate of few days i can smoke a little after my appt. i have no car right now so i git a ride to drop script off yesterday now lookng for someone to take me up there tomorrow morning. Its all i can think about. My whole body is shaking. Ive been thru this shit before so i knew it was coming. Not isually a problem running out early but last 2 months, its been like that. Im not gonna go into details but the whole process of it for me i miss it. Every hr seems like a day. Everything will be alright either way. I may not even go fill them. Saves me money and just get thru the wd and get used to pain. Im so confused. I really dont wanna go thru wd again. The mental aspect is awful. Dread. Thats the best word i uave for it. I usually use weed very sparingly but smoked a lot this morning. As soon as i woke up and went to bathroom i felt that wd germ on me. It helped but marijuana just magnifies how you feel so it ended up making me feel worse. Anyway, thought id throw my madness out here. Take care
 
Yup. Doing it again because I'm an idiot.
The girl bailed so I self-destructed and went on a 2+ month heavy H binge.
Really fucked it all up, blew all of my money, sold a bunch of stuff I regret, ran up debts I have no idea how I'm going to get a handle on, the whole bit.

I can't manage tapering again, my brain gets the best of me and I rationalize blowing through whatever I've got and trying to hustle a little more... averaging a gram of ECP a day.
So I have to just kick the hard way. Every day for the past week I've psyched myself up, telling myself I'm going to wake up and just sick it out; I've got maybe ~2mg of sub strip someone gave me, not really enough to properly taper that way, but I figure I can microdose to at least mitigate some of the worst of it. I've also (thankfully) got some clonidine my plug gave me (rare is the smack dealer that will give you meds to get off his product for free!) and some kratom extract... tianeptine too but at the doses that relieve a lot of the physical symptoms for me (200+mg) I get extremely depressed, so I'm gonna set that aside...

Of course, the sickness is unbearably bad after the amount I've been doing and rather than sticking it out long enough to safely induce the bupe, I pussy out after ~12-16 hours when I get extremely suicidal and then I'm back on the phone trying to get my hands on anything and digging my already-crippling financial hole deeper...

I don't even like the shit. I don't feel good on it at all, maybe for five minutes tops. I haven't slept okay the entire time I've been binging either, insomnia's just as bad as it is in withdrawal, sleeping 1.5 to 2 hours a night and going crazy... I need to get my head around this and just embrace the suck. I don't know why I did any of this to myself, I absolutely knew better and made a conscious choice to self-destruct.

Just had to vent...
 
This is the placevto vent man. Tapers never work bro. Not for us. I know how you feel. Last time i posted with the weed shit and tapering off didnt work. I have chronic pain and it came with a vengance. So back on the opiates. I shoot my dilaudid so i go into wd easy. Last month was alright but this month i ran out 9 days early. When you go from shooting 64mg of dilaudid to nothing it hurts bad. Both my pain and wd have been nasty. I get my refill in the morning and intend on feeling better quickly. So easy to get hooked and so hard to get off. I started seeing an addiction counsler and it really helps. Shes a former H addict so she knows. She said she can get me to stop shooting and take as perscribed. Well see. Have you tried a sub or methadone clinic? Some people really swear by them. Still opiates but it aint H. I would look into them or a counsler. Make sure theyre in recovery though. I sure dont want someone whos never been hooked giving me advice. I dont go anymore but i went to AA for 10 yrs and what i did learn in there is you cant do it yourself. They have detox places where youll get meds. If you kick cold turkey at home the mind will get you and youll be stuck in this cycle forever. Seek help as im doing and it just makes it easier man. I know you want to stop. I can tell. So you have a key element, willingness. Thats all you need. Be willing to listen. Ive been to inpatient rehab but didnt find it helpful. Its just a 30 day vacation from using and most people relapse when they get out. Go with something that works. Forget the girl man. Its just gonna fuck with your head. Thats my advice. I hope you kick cause that shit can kill you quick. Be kind to yourself and dont beat yourself up. Relapse isnt a requirment but its part of recovery so just dont be alone. Im always on here if you wanna message me to vent or whatever. You have friends here who have all been thru it. Good luck man and reach out if you need to

PS: Your dopeman giving you Clonidine is hillarious. He must care about you.
 
THank you... and same, I'm always available to listen...

Back in full wd in a few hours... just laying awake with a lot of dread in the meantime. I need to snap the fuck into it and just convince myself that I like the way this sucks...

If that doesn't cut it, then I need to figure out how I'm going to get into a program or at least enough subox for a proper taper..
 
Waiting on full WD is a scary fucking thing. You know whats coming and aint shit you can do about it. Prepare your mind. The sweats and nausea/vomiting and diareah and legs kicking really sucks but its managable. If you take a bunch of immodium ityll ease all that. Take like 15-20. Dont worry it wont constipate you any more than usual. Ive done it several times. Immodium is an opiate but it never reaches your brain receptors. Some people claim they get a buzz off it but their full of shit. But the mental. Whew. You know im sure. That PAWS kicks in and it destroys your mind. Im never gonna get high again and shit. Its awful. If you go to a sub clinic they will put you on a higher dose. Enough to knock out the wd then taper you off so you dont get hooked on the bupe. Tapering yourself can be hell. Ive tried it a lot man. If it gets really bad go to a detox. I dont know where you live so i dont know if these things are available to you. Here we have detox, sub clinic and methadone clinic. A lot of people i know have had success with the methadone. Its a long program and will help you with the PAWS that can last a long dam time. My wd is ending in 6 hrs. Im a hard case bc i have chronic pain. I have clots in my legs and last summer they took my colon out so i need the meds but shooting them has gotta stop. I tried getting off them and just smoke weed in Feb and i lasted a week and i couldnt walk bc of the pain. I went Friday to see an addiction councler. She is a former H addict so she knows about needles. She was very blunt which i like. She said cant get off the meds but ill get you to stop shooting. Even gave me her personal number which im gonna use later today cause once i get my dilaudid anything could happen. Take hot steamy showers. Just stand in there man. They help me a lot. Clonidine helps but its gotta be a high dose. I got a patch on now but its shit. As you probably know all this, im just typing here. I dont care what anyone says, nothing helps wd. Some people stock up on vitamens and shit. Whatever. Immodium helps some and im on Adderall and that helps some. Cigs taste nasty but i chain smoke. I hate it and if i keep shooting im gonna go thru this every month. My landlady hooked me up with some percs last week but they dont do shit. Just be glad you never shot your H or it be worse. My best friend came off Shooting H for years and sub at same time in rehab and he says to this day thats one of the things that keep him clean, he never wants to be dopesick ever again. Every heroin addict i know say the same thing. I dont even like it anymore. Maybe thats your sign youre teady to kick. If you sub taper make sure you get a high dose like 4 or 8. That will do the trick. Ill be up if you wanna chat. I know youre starting to feel shitty but im here with ya man
 
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