Mentally abusive mother

[IDied]

So my mom has always been verbally abusive towards me my whole life. I'm 29 years old now.my girlfriend, my daughter's, myself,and mom all share a house/apartment with each other 50/50 with all the bills.
She has been addicted to opiates for over 8 years now.its been mostly oxycodone for 7 out of 8 years.I myself have also been addicted to opiates for about 4 years.until same time last year we both picked up using heroin.snorted..recently I have made the choice to go on methadone after MANY attempts to get clean I've tried detox,cold turkey,Thomas recipe,buying suboxone off the streets.and just never have been strong enough to just stop and stay clean.I was helping her as much as I could when i was using I just hate seeing anyone be sick.
So I started methadone a week ago and so far its been helpijg, I have slipped a few times no big deal I'm not going to beat myself up over it.but ever since I went this route my mom has been very cruel towards me! Its always being said well what am I going to do!!?? You think you're fuckin perfect now because your on methadone!! Shit like that! I'm honestly to my fuckin breaking point this kind of stuff makes me want to give up and not get clean.she has always been this way towards me my whole life.I can say she's not much of a mother at all! And before the opiates she drank like the local town drunk. I can't do it anymore it's putting strain on my girlfriend and my relationship. But I'm not working at the moment only my daughter's mother is while I watch the kids.so I'm sort of stuck....just fed up not sure why I posted this or what I'm actually asking.hoping maybe someone could help me out and tell me what they think! Appreciate it!

 

[GolemGolem]

Shit, that sucks. But, if your getting better pisser her off, and fucks with her own sense of worth and she's abused you your whole life....doesn't than mean you're winning?

 

[T. Calderone]

It's great you were able to get on methadone. That's a huge accomplishment! I'm an addict in recovery and my son is too. My situation is a little bit different. I got off drugs and then turned to alcohol. (My parents were alcoholics as well) In retrospect, there are so many things I wish I could go back and change. It's a real challenge trying to remain sober when loved ones are still using.

Your mom can't or won't comprehend what she's doing to you while she's under the influence. Does she ever have even half sober days when you can talk or is that out of the question? Can you think of times when things were good between you two? She shouldn't ridicule you for doing the right thing. Just remember that's the addict talking. Counseling has been a big help to my son and me.

If she won't go, do this for yourself so you won't relapse. Or you can check out a support group. How does your girlfriend feel about the situation? I know this can't be easy for you. Though you can't stop her from using, you have to make it clear to mom that you're not going back to dope! Feel free to message me anytime if you want to talk.

 

[IDied]

When she is sober there is no talking to her because it's all about the next fix.and no I really can't remember it ever being normal not even as a kid.I remember being 8 years old left alone to fend for myself.and it is very hard are my girlfriend. She is proud of me and says I'm doing well. While my mom begs for her money every week to get well.its just getting to be too much! I'm stressed everyday and sometimes I feel like I'm going lose my girlfriend and kids because of this situation.

 

[Tinker55]

Congratulations for having the willpower to start MMT! That being said, your mom may feel like you getting sober forces he to look at her own habit-which she clearly doesn't want to do.

From what you've said, her abusive is clearly a habit and isn't going to change any time soon. I can only suggest getting out of range ASAP. Can you and your girlfriend and child move? Taking care of your mom right now is a threat to you getting clean. If you have to stay, is there anyway you can limit your contact?

 

[GolemGolem]

Any prospect of work that pays more than day-care? Any way to get your GF, Kids, and you away from her? I don't know how old your daughters are, but good chance she'll dig on them like she digged on you.
Anyway, good work on getting on getting clean, keep it up. I think your future is brighter than your moms.

 

[IDied]

Until I get a job in pretty much stuck.my daughters are 8 and 3 years old.I have my 8 year old on the weekends.never would I let her do that to my kids.I would have her removed from this house by the police.I'm the last person to call the cops but will in a heart beat if they were ever put in jeporday.its Sunday morning. I just got back from the clinic and she is already up hunting something down with MY last 5$ like wtf can u get with that? Its real fuckin annoying! Now I know how my girlfriend felt when I was using.and I feel terrible about it.I can only do right and mend things with her

 

[ButylOWNED]

Hey on my phone around family..but keep your head up..my mom is the same .she is on the oc..I know she not herself. She is sick. I don't know how to go about helping her change also..every timei call her out, I'm this huge asshole because she is " sick and in pain"..so I feel where you coming from.kcco

 

[GolemGolem]

Until I get a job in pretty much stuck.my daughters are 8 and 3 years old.I have my 8 year old on the weekends.never would I let her do that to my kids.I would have her removed from this house by the police.I'm the last person to call the cops but will in a heart beat if they were ever put in jeporday.its Sunday morning. I just got back from the clinic and she is already up hunting something down with MY last 5$ like wtf can u get with that? Its real fuckin annoying! Now I know how my girlfriend felt when I was using.and I feel terrible about it.I can only do right and mend things with her

Yeah, you sound pretty grounded and ok.
Hope you dig up some work soon, if nothing else it'll get you out of the house regularly.

 

[Stargazer]

My mother was the same way. She was a severe (but functioning-at least during the day) alcoholic. At night she was a falling down, black-out, abusive drunk. During the day she was cold and nasty. I was never a drinker, but addicted to OxyContin. I had to live with her, during my divorce from my daughter's father....I feel your pain. It was a nightmare, and I'm not exaggerating even a little bit. She seemed to feel superior because she "just drank" and I took pills.

The living situation was impossible and unbearable for me. I too couldn't just pick up and leave. I couldn't afford it...and I had a health issue that kept me from being able to work.

It wont work...you and her living together. For now, you have to get through it the best way you can. But, as you know, you, your girlfriend and daughters have to get out of there. Make it your goal to get out. And good job on MMT. I went on methadone too when living with my parents...and got no support. At least you're trying to get better. Do NOT allow your mom to ruin that. She resents your strength. She wants you to stay down w her.

There was no winning w my mom/parents. The rules changed everyday. I was jumping through hoops to please them and it was always made out to be I was a horrible daughter. So, that being said, my advice is to make your exit plan, and work on making it happen. That in itself will make you feel better. You will never change your mom. She is who she is. I exhausted myself trying to change mine to no avail. All the best to you and your family.

 

[someguy15]

Your post is less about an abusive mother (seriously, my story aside, there are many people who have genuinely abusive mothers/parents) and more about someone who is belittling your attempts to come clean in an attempt to feel better about herself. I don't understand how you could lack this perspective, and I'm not saying that it makes it ok -- but you seem more like you're angry at her (possibly for getting you addicted? I don't know your story) than anything. If you think your situation with her is unbearable, I hate to think what you would do in a truly unbearable one like many people are faced with.

 

[paranoid android]

Man this sounds familiar. I am very sorry to hear of the troubles with your mom and getting clean and you have my full sympathy there. I didn't even know what a "normal" family was supposed to be like growing up as i basically raised by my mom who had/has severe emotional problems and some sort of underlying mental illness. Me and my brother where constantly afraid of setting her off when we lived with her and we never took any friends back to the house when she was home because you never knew which version of her you would meet. You would usually get the false happiness and putting on airs and annoying the living shit out of everyone version of her or the raging almost psychotic like hatred she had for everyone especially me and my brother. In my teens and also later years living with her i dealt with this by avoiding her as much as possible and of course with drugs.

I had no idea how fucked up my family life was until i moved out when i was 20 and saw how other families lived. There was no drunk or high mom in a rage yelling at one of her kids about how much they hated them and wished they would die. I also noticed how much she wanted me to fail in life and was told most of my life that i was no good, never would be any good and basically why didn't i just kill myself. Family can be such a great self esteem booster 8) . It's only been the past few years when i have put some distance between myself and my mom that i realized how much of a psychological impact that had on me over the years. Atleast now i can wake up every morning and not have to worry about some lunatic going off the head at me basically ranting about how i am the cause of all the worlds misery. If she could have i am sure she would have had me implicated in the JFK assassination . Thank fuck i no longer have to deal with that madness anymore but i would have to be a fool to think 20 some odd years of stress probably equivalent to living in some refugee camps didn't have some kind of long term effect on me.

It really sounds like your in a tough spot. Is there anyway at all you can get your mom a place of her own? I can only imagine what kind of stress that must be putting on your relationship. Personally i would only have a g/f meet my mom if i wanted her to break up with me . Also from my own experience nothing makes you want to get high more then that kind of stress and you have to look out for your own sobriety and also your relationship and having a mom like that around is not going to help. My advice there would be to get her a place of her own as soon as humanly possible for your own sanity and sobriety. Until then try and hang in there.

 

[ButylOWNED]

That's a pretty bold statement from somebody that just said" I don't know the whole story".... Like I don't think she came here looking for that type of comment .Some people just want some support, they don't need to be analyzed by somebody sitting at their house knowing nothing, sometimes they just want to hear it's gonna be alright.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

U just need to ignore the comments until u can get a home for your family without her which is easier said than done..don't use this as an excuse to use and go back,that's what she wants an addict close to her so her behavior looks normal..I'm sorry to hear about your troubles that sounds like a very stressful situation..stay strong my brother

 

[IDied]

Your post is less about an abusive mother (seriously, my story aside, there are many people who have genuinely abusive mothers/parents) and more about someone who is belittling your attempts to come clean in an attempt to feel better about herself. I don't understand how you could lack this perspective, and I'm not saying that it makes it ok -- but you seem more like you're angry at her (possibly for getting you addicted? I don't know your story) than anything. If you think your situation with her is unbearable, I hate to think what you would do in a truly unbearable one like many people are faced with.

I don't see how my post is less about a abusive mother?
Isn't belittling someone constantly abusive? Verbally or mentally in my eyes it is.
And no I don't blame her one bit for me being addicted to anything. I'm a adult and can't blame anyone but myself..

 

[IDied]

Man this sounds familiar. I am very sorry to hear of the troubles with your mom and getting clean and you have my full sympathy there. I didn't even know what a "normal" family was supposed to be like growing up as i basically raised by my mom who had/has severe emotional problems and some sort of underlying mental illness. Me and my brother where constantly afraid of setting her off when we lived with her and we never took any friends back to the house when she was home because you never knew which version of her you would meet. You would usually get the false happiness and putting on airs and annoying the living shit out of everyone version of her or the raging almost psychotic like hatred she had for everyone especially me and my brother. In my teens and also later years living with her i dealt with this by avoiding her as much as possible and of course with drugs.

I had no idea how fucked up my family life was until i moved out when i was 20 and saw how other families lived. There was no drunk or high mom in a rage yelling at one of her kids about how much they hated them and wished they would die. I also noticed how much she wanted me to fail in life and was told most of my life that i was no good, never would be any good and basically why didn't i just kill myself. Family can be such a great self esteem booster 8) . It's only been the past few years when i have put some distance between myself and my mom that i realized how much of a psychological impact that had on me over the years. Atleast now i can wake up every morning and not have to worry about some lunatic going off the head at me basically ranting about how i am the cause of all the worlds misery. If she could have i am sure she would have had me implicated in the JFK assassination . Thank fuck i no longer have to deal with that madness anymore but i would have to be a fool to think 20 some odd years of stress probably equivalent to living in some refugee camps didn't have some kind of long term effect on me.

It really sounds like your in a tough spot. Is there anyway at all you can get your mom a place of her own? I can only imagine what kind of stress that must be putting on your relationship. Personally i would only have a g/f meet my mom if i wanted her to break up with me . Also from my own experience nothing makes you want to get high more then that kind of stress and you have to look out for your own sobriety and also your relationship and having a mom like that around is not going to help. My advice there would be to get her a place of her own as soon as humanly possible for your own sanity and sobriety. Until then try and hang in there.

Sorry to hear that.a lot of that sounds so familiar.and its real sad a lot of people out there are going through the same things as we did.I could never in a million years treat my daughter's that way!
P.s when you said I'd never bring my g/f to meet my mom unless I wanted her to break up with me lol I found that pretty funny though! Because I never would if thought of it that way.real surprised my girlfriend has lasted as long as she did!