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Getting clean; wish me luck! (Opiates)

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Alicia420

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Joined
Dec 14, 2013
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I'm a 34 year old with a fiancée and two kids. I've been hooked on opiates for about 3 years with pretty much no break. Vicodin and Oxycodone are my drugs of choice. Been taking about 10mg x10/day for the last 3 years so about a 1,000mg/day habit. Might not be the amount some have taken but enough that it consumed my life.
I'm just sick of this life. Scoring 20 pills to last two days then making that 40min drive to score more. Waking up dehydrated feeling like my liver and kidneys are all dried up, along with just wanting to sleep all day until I have to get ready for work. Having no natural energy, needing pills to get the energy I need.
It's hard, real hard. I'm 48hrs into detox right now, never really made it past the 4th day because someone always calls me saying they've got some. Pretty sure I've funded my dealers last few Christmas'. Money isn't really the issue I'm sick of the vicious circle. Sick of having no motivation, sick of not feeling, sick of being sick if I can't score. Right now I'm living off of Klonopin, Chamomille tea, and Benadryl to help me sleep. I'm also working which is hard but luckily my job is pretty easy. Woke up this morning feeling like death. The diarrhea kicked in. My legs ache and feel like there's energy shooting through them like I wanna run but my body is dead. I feel pretty relaxed right now. I've never absused my klonopin; I need that shit been on it or Xanax for years. Never for a buzz from it, just did its job since I suffer from PTSD and major anxiety. But I've doubled up tonight and also taken Benadryl. Most of you know sleeping during peak withdrawal is almost impossible.
Can't believe I let it get this out of control. I've dealt with addiction in the past to other drugs but I kicked them and didn't look back. Opiates are the devil and by far the hardest thing I've ever had to try and kick. I really want this for me and my family. I've become disengaged from the world and I'm only happy anymore when I'm high. Cravings haven't gotten too bad but I know they'll likely get worse. I had a hard time when i walked outside today to go to work. Just the smell of the air makes me crave Vicodin. It's like I haven't been able to do anything without being high and everything reminds me. I've just got to think about myself and my long-term health. I have a career and I'm smart enough to know this can't continue. I don't know what tomorrow will bring when I wake up. I'm prepared for feeling awful again while I'm feeling decent right now. But I know I can't turn back. I know I can make that 40min drive, score, feel better, and then it'll just start all over again. So it's gotta stop and start somewhere. I did quit back in July for a few months actually then relapsed. And this time I dove even farther into opiate hell/heaven. So to everyone who's kicked it, congrats I hope I can come back here and say I've done it. But as an addict I know how easy it is to say it, yet alone actually do it. But right now I'm doing it.
 
Alicia420 said:
I'm a 34 year old with a fiancée and two kids. I've been hooked on opiates for about 3 years with pretty much no break. Vicodin and Oxycodone are my drugs of choice. Been taking about 10mg x10/day for the last 3 years so about a 1,000mg/day habit. Might not be the amount some have taken but enough that it consumed my life.
I'm just sick of this life. Scoring 20 pills to last two days then making that 40min drive to score more. Waking up dehydrated feeling like my liver and kidneys are all dried up, along with just wanting to sleep all day until I have to get ready for work. Having no natural energy, needing pills to get the energy I need.
It's hard, real hard. I'm 48hrs into detox right now, never really made it past the 4th day because someone always calls me saying they've got some. Pretty sure I've funded my dealers last few Christmas'. Money isn't really the issue I'm sick of the vicious circle. Sick of having no motivation, sick of not feeling, sick of being sick if I can't score. Right now I'm living off of Klonopin, Chamomille tea, and Benadryl to help me sleep. I'm also working which is hard but luckily my job is pretty easy. Woke up this morning feeling like death. The diarrhea kicked in. My legs ache and feel like there's energy shooting through them like I wanna run but my body is dead. I feel pretty relaxed right now. I've never absused my klonopin; I need that shit been on it or Xanax for years. Never for a buzz from it, just did its job since I suffer from PTSD and major anxiety. But I've doubled up tonight and also taken Benadryl. Most of you know sleeping during peak withdrawal is almost impossible.
Can't believe I let it get this out of control. I've dealt with addiction in the past to other drugs but I kicked them and didn't look back. Opiates are the devil and by far the hardest thing I've ever had to try and kick. I really want this for me and my family. I've become disengaged from the world and I'm only happy anymore when I'm high. Cravings haven't gotten too bad but I know they'll likely get worse. I had a hard time when i walked outside today to go to work. Just the smell of the air makes me crave Vicodin. It's like I haven't been able to do anything without being high and everything reminds me. I've just got to think about myself and my long-term health. I have a career and I'm smart enough to know this can't continue. I don't know what tomorrow will bring when I wake up. I'm prepared for feeling awful again while I'm feeling decent right now. But I know I can't turn back. I know I can make that 40min drive, score, feel better, and then it'll just start all over again. So it's gotta stop and start somewhere. I did quit back in July for a few months actually then relapsed. And this time I dove even farther into opiate hell/heaven. So to everyone who's kicked it, congrats I hope I can come back here and say I've done it. But as an addict I know how easy it is to say it, yet alone actually do it. But right now I'm doing it.
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I'm on day 7 and have never made it to the golden 3 month mark. As for you, it is not so much about money but about my soul and life being robbed. In my book, the first month anything goes to help you along, just NO OPIATES - and that includes weak stuff like codeine and tramadol. I take a range of benzos as needed, mostly clonazepam and diazepam, but also nimetazepam, flunitrazepam and oxazepam. I even have a few pentobarbital lol....I am over the acute sickness stage and into the dreaded PAWS stage (and this is the much harder part) I have detoxed a million times. That's easy. Staying off is hard. I am trying to rewire my brain by always associating opiates with PAIN. They inflict PAIN on us, not comfort and numbness. Also trying to learn to hate the nubmness off opiates that steal away the wonder in our lives. Again to summarize, I feel the PAWS stage - the first 1-3 or so months is the real deal. That's where the 'rubber hits the road' so to speak. I mostly am just lethargic with no energy. I have taken small amounts of dexedrine on and off for some respite. Totally quit all over drugs and especially alcohol as it tends to make my PAWS worse. For some people, Pregabalin (Lyrica) also seems to help. Other than that, support, support, support. Counselling is really important. Hope I could help a bit with this. Stay connected as it's always good to have somebody at a similar stage in recovery to talk to.
 
Thanks so much for your response. I was very relaxed last night as I stated when I was typing my first message but I tossed and turned due to the damn RLS I hate that more than anything. Woke up at the foot of my bed this morning. I have Wed and Thurs off work and I told my boss I just can't make it today. He thinks " I have the flu". So at least the next few days I don't have to be accountable to anything but my bed lol. Have plans with my family on Xmas eve but at that point it will be day 5 so I should be able to suck it up. Woke up this morning and now the stomach cramping has begun. Yay. Actually every limb on my body feels like it's got a huge knot in the middle of it. I know my withdrawal symptoms are as bad as they're gonna get right now so I'm just going to ride it out. Like you said I just want my life back. I want to feel again. I can't believe how much reality opiates take from you. And I wish I had some codeine cough syrup left I used it up the last time I went through withdrawal. It does help a little. And yes, associate this with pain because any drug than can make you feel like this by stopping it, is evil. Good luck to you as well friend. I'll definitely keep in touch whenever I can focus long enough to type. Tea is actually helping my stomach. Talk to you or anyone out there soon lol.
 
Hey you! Wishing you all the best of luck!

For the RLS I personally used gabapentin to reduce the symptoms from it (effectively eliminated the RLS actually, and some of the aches, and the runs - 90% of the withdrawal killed by gabapentin - why isn't this used more commonly?). Other than that, make sure to get plenty of potassium and magnesium. Bananas, while good for potassium, are also naturally good at reducing nausea and contain lots of fibre, so can be helpful for WD. Also don't underestimate the power of a hot shower or preferably a hot bath. A bath as hot as you can dare really helped me. I would lie there until I felt I was overheating, then swap ends of the bath i was lying at and turn on the cold tap. The cool water mixing with the hot over your neck and around your torso is really soothing - this works for your legs too. Alternating hot and cold is a staple for RLS even without the withdrawal akathisia.
 
Thank you all for your responses. Yes, will power is key for sure. And I know a ton of people who take gabapentin. Although I thought that was something that had to be in your body for a week or so before it really started to work. Suppose if the hot bath doesn't work then I can try one. So hard to believe what these damn pills can do to you until you're trying to rid your body of them.
Has anyone ever just said "this is what and who I am," "I'm an opiate addict."
Almost just signing off to the fact that the love for it is stronger than the hate. I'm missing it right now because I'm in bed feeling like shit, and bored. And when I'm high nothing is boring. Even though I never really get anything accomplished. I just have to keep thinking about the negative and how I feel at times when I'm on the pills, just full of regret and self disappointment. Thank god for pot because it sets my head straight when the cravings kick in. It makes my mind say no. Last time I got clean I would always deal with cravings. But the more days clean I was the lesser the cravings. Would just say to myself that I'm not going down that road. Then my grandma and dog died nearly around the same time and I relapsed and I've been so disappointed in myself because I was really drug free. Anyway thanks to everyone and I love hearing everyone's stories and remedies it really helps. And I'm not relapsing this time.
 
It sounds like you are going strong. In my experience, the first real challenge comes when PAWS starts so be mindful of this. Personally, I have never relapsed in the actual first 5-day detox (well, except for day 1 that is :) ) With PAWS, expect primarily boredom, self-doubt, insomnia, RLS, depression and residual aches and pains. And not to mention the lethargia and lack of energy/drive/motivation. It all waxes and wanes like the tides. Normal people feel these feelings, too, but just nowhere as pronounced as we do in the PAWS-phase (usually 1-3 months) Awareness of this is absolutely CRUCIAL for staying clean from what I have been told over and over again by those who have done it and on reading forums for 4 years on and off. Acceptance of PAWS symptoms is apparently also important and the best way to ease them is EXERCISE!!!!
 
Thank you so much honestly never knew that phase had a name. Now I know and I suppose the best method is to educate myself and be ready. And know that if I have any of those feelings it's completely normal and I need to accept and know that after years of abuse it's going to take some time to get back to ME. Sounds like you're doing well too and really want this. Don't I know the feeling. Grateful for everyone here and all the info I'm gathering. I'm good at being an addict but not getting clean I don't know the ins and outs so all this info is very useful. I will definitely start researching PAWS, like now lol.
 
Great job so far Alicia. Keep at it!

Re: the gabapentin, it's most ideal to build it up with regular smaller doses over time, but it works just as well if you just take it. To get full W/D relief I found that I had to step up my dose, but everyone's different. I would take them a couple of hours before bed (they take a while to kick in) with some chamomile tea and enjoy the relief to if not able sleep, relax and conserve my energy.

Aaaand Re: The PAWS - what someone said to me is, try not to read on it too much because you can psych yourself into PAWS, or rather, psych yourself into making it worse. Just try to keep your energy up by staying active. It'll feel impossible at times, but if you brute force it, you can ignore most of it.
 
Hi everyone. Today is day 4. Not a full four days yet since I've used but around 2pm Sat was be the last time of the day I used so around 2 it'll be day 4. Woke up with less cramping in my stomach but still felt a little nauseated. Don't know what time I finally got to sleep last night but I know it was 3-4am even after 2mg of Klonopin and 2 Benadryl. Normally Benadryl knocks me on my ass. Must say I've grown quite fond of Chammomille tea. Been staying hydrated. I definitely need a shower today I didn't have one
Yesterday. I look like I've been to hell and back and I suppose I have. I have at least 2 thoughts a day of going and getting drugs(opiates) and I say "no!". I'm not going to undo all that I've done. One relapse and all the work my brain has done in a short amount of time is all
for not. Not looking back, it's not going to beat me. Still having a little diarrhea but not as bad. Gross I know but I know all opiate addicts know the feeling. So I know I'm on the upswing as far as how I feel physically. RLS was pretty much non-existent last night although I know it can return; I'll just deal with it as it comes. I've never made it past this day before and I'm doin it. Thanks everyone for letting me share my story and being able to read the story of others.
 
Congratulations on kicking day four's ass! I am chronic pain patient and understand all to well the constant battle with opiates. Although you are past the worst of the GI symptoms - I don't think I saw anyone mention Immodium. Works like a charm for the loose bowels and also helps overall with the withdrawal as ( I believe I am relaying this accurately) Immodium is an opiate that cannot cross the blood brain barrier. So it won't get you high. Personally I always have some on hand for the few days each month I'm in withdrawal either from finishing my script a few days early, or trying to make what I do have last longer. It does help. Now if you look this up here on BL people will say they are taking a horrific amount. But I find starting of with 5 2 mg tablets does just fine. I don't believe I've ever taken more than 6 at a time. I hope this helps, and keep up the good work!!!
 
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Alicia420 said:
Hi everyone. Today is day 4. Not a full four days yet since I've used but around 2pm Sat was be the last time of the day I used so around 2 it'll be day 4. Woke up with less cramping in my stomach but still felt a little nauseated. Don't know what time I finally got to sleep last night but I know it was 3-4am even after 2mg of Klonopin and 2 Benadryl. Normally Benadryl knocks me on my ass. Must say I've grown quite fond of Chammomille tea. Been staying hydrated. I definitely need a shower today I didn't have one
Yesterday. I look like I've been to hell and back and I suppose I have. I have at least 2 thoughts a day of going and getting drugs(opiates) and I say "no!". I'm not going to undo all that I've done. One relapse and all the work my brain has done in a short amount of time is all
for not. Not looking back, it's not going to beat me. Still having a little diarrhea but not as bad. Gross I know but I know all opiate addicts know the feeling. So I know I'm on the upswing as far as how I feel physically. RLS was pretty much non-existent last night although I know it can return; I'll just deal with it as it comes. I've never made it past this day before and I'm doin it. Thanks everyone for letting me share my story and being able to read the story of others.
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Hey, way to go!!!! You are doing really well for day 4 :) Day 7 for me was the toughest day yet psychologically, day 8 and 9 a breeze. It waxes and wanes so much. Still not really exercising, just going for walks. I think I'll start the gym this evening. Man, I can't believe how many years of my best life I wasted on opiates and also living a life I didn't want to (work-wise) It's so freeing to have it all lifted off me.
 
I hope OP hasn't relapsed. If so, come back here we will support you!! For me the mood/cravings/PAWS was worst on each week mark so far, as in day 7 and day 14. It's funny how I always get through the detox every single time but relapse in PAWS. No more!
 
I had a relapse. Ate about 70 pills in about 3.5 days. Not long after I wrote my day 4 post my dealer called and said she got a new rx in. I instantly started having all these physical and psychological emotions. Physically it was like all my day two and three physical symptoms hit me like a ton of bricks. I started coughing a lot and every time I did I puked in my mouth. It was awful and all I wanted was to not feel like that. I couldn't stop thinking about getting high.
Today I sit here, just a few weeks later, 6 days into being clean and I know it's early but I feel like a million bucks mentally and physically. My dealer text me last night and I passed with flying colors; told her not to contact me anymore please. Didn't even think twice or have any mental or physical issues like last time.
I think I'm just done. When it's not even about getting high anymore as much as it is to not be sick, feel normal, and have energy, it's no way to live. I am slowly feeling like me again.
Mornings are the hardest only because my stomach is a little nauseated in the morning still, kind of like morning sickness. Best way to describe it. But after being up a few hrs it goes away and by the afternoon I'm feeling great. I have moments where I feel like I could run a mile and moments where I just wanna lounge around and do nothing. But I can tell you it's nothing like the bad side affects of Vicodin. No more waking up dehydrated like I shriveled up my liver lol. No more sleeping 12-14hrs or until I have to go to work at 3pm. No more wasting money on gas and definitely on pills. Wish I had the roughly $300 back I blew on my relapse. But I don't dwell. I did relapse but like I said I'm just done. And when I'm "just done", I've always been DONE, with anything in my life. I know and expect tough days. Honestly what gets me through a lot of BS is weed. It makes me think logically if there's a craving or any negative thoughts. I've smoked for years and no one can take that from me haha. Anyway, just wanted to check in and while I admit I relapsed, a few weeks later I've arrived at a milestone. Never made it past day 4. Tomorrow makes a week exactly and honestly I feel so much better still slightly detoxing and fighting PAWS than I have popping pills in a very long time. I won't give up and I won't give in man.
 
Day 8, well it's 2AM but still Monday. Day 8 lol. Feeling great. I think about pills once or twice a day but whenever I think of them I can only think of negative. My cravings are under control, again, I thank some good ol weed for that. I feel like a new woman. I'll post from time to time. I'm not long into my recovery, but I'm doing it and I want others to know they can too. The 7-14 days of dying are the dues we pay to be reborn.
 
Yep Pucman, exactly how I felt. Over it. The whole shit of it. Spending money on nothing when I could've probably bought a new car or something to that extent over the last 3yrs or so. The 40min drive to my dealer only to have to go back in a few days. Getting sick over and over. Feeling like crap all the time until I pop pills. You can do it bud, anyone can. I relapsed, and a few weeks later I've made it farther than I ever have. Hell I even drank 3 beers the other night lol. I never mixed pills and alcohol so I haven't really drank for a very very long while, it was nice. Finally seeing my friends again who I've neglected because all I wanted to do was get high and hold up in my house. What a life huh? Thanks for your response and I don't know if you're detoxing right now or not but get through the first week and you'll feel like you've been given a gift. :)
 
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