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Just needing some support

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DrexelSpivey

Greenlighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2015
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2
About 13 years ago, I kicked heroin and built a great life. A couple of months ago, about the end of October, I had an accident, broke a bunch of bones and wound up on pain medication. It's prescribed, but it woke up the beast, and I feel it on the verge of spiraling out of control. After two months of daily opiate use — around 40mg a day of hydrocodone, often less — I'm down to 4 5mg pills. I don't want any more. I'm still recovering from the accident, but the pain is bearable. The biggest thing is that fucking monster inside. It knows the pills are about to run out, and I feel this impending tsunami of panic on the horizon. I know it's bullshit, but it's so fucking hard to step out of the shadow of that beast and look at it rationally and logically. The panic is getting in the way of daily life, of interactions with my family, of my job. I'm pissed at myself, scared and fighting off some PTSD, because I KNOW that 40mg a day for a couple of months is not going to be anywhere near as severe as kicking heroin — every time I tried that, I couldn't do it on my own and wound up in detox or rehab. So I KNOW it's not going to be that bad. It's the obsession that worries me, because I know it leads to compulsion ... to the point that I found myself eyeballing my neighbor's house the other day, knowing where he keeps his spare key, wondering what he might have in his medicine cabinet. That's the sort of craziness that's going on. I just need someplace to vent and maybe get some support, and everyone here seems very cool. I apologize if I'm posting to the wrong forum or anything; I just registered for this site.
 
Do you have a therapist you can talk this out with?

I'm really sorry to hear about the pain. <3

Keep in mind most anxiety about withdrawal is easy to overcome; you just have to find bravery underneath all the layers of fear. Remember that you did this a long time ago, and you can do it again.

You can always PM me if you need to talk one on one.
 
Thanks, Cap. No, no therapist; I suppose that's why I'm posting here.

Took my last doses today. I feel alright, and honestly, the panic has ebbed somewhat since I'm out. That fucking beast is in the back of my head, scheming ways to get more, but I have enough self-control that I did not go in my neighbor's house while he was away to poke around in his medicine cabinet.

Honestly, I'd forgotten how much I enjoy the feeling opiates give me. There's the rub, isn't it? We love getting high. It's the destruction of everything in our lives, the chaos and degradation and dereliction that go along with it that we can't stand.

I can rightly put my finger on why, exactly, the thought of not having any is so distressing. Like I said, I know the withdrawal - physically, at least - won't be that bad. It's the psychological that I'm dreading so much. Everything seems so much more enjoyable, so much more tolerable, so much more vivid when I'm high ... but goddammit, I know that's an illusion, because I've spent the last 13 years loving my life. Getting high again, though, has been like discovering a long-lost friend.

I know, I'm rambling. But rambling helps. It helps to pour the crazy thoughts out here, so I'm not posting on random message boards asking for pills, or driving through shitty sections of town, looking to score, or breaking into the homes of people who trust me. I don't want to do that. I really don't. I just want to put this behind me, and the only way to do that is to go through it. Going through it sucks, though. Any feedback on how to break the cycle of obsession and compulsion would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again, Cap.
 
DrexelSpivey said:
Thanks, Cap. No, no therapist; I suppose that's why I'm posting here.

Took my last doses today. I feel alright, and honestly, the panic has ebbed somewhat since I'm out. That fucking beast is in the back of my head, scheming ways to get more, but I have enough self-control that I did not go in my neighbor's house while he was away to poke around in his medicine cabinet.

Honestly, I'd forgotten how much I enjoy the feeling opiates give me. There's the rub, isn't it? We love getting high. It's the destruction of everything in our lives, the chaos and degradation and dereliction that go along with it that we can't stand.

I can rightly put my finger on why, exactly, the thought of not having any is so distressing. Like I said, I know the withdrawal - physically, at least - won't be that bad. It's the psychological that I'm dreading so much. Everything seems so much more enjoyable, so much more tolerable, so much more vivid when I'm high ... but goddammit, I know that's an illusion, because I've spent the last 13 years loving my life. Getting high again, though, has been like discovering a long-lost friend.

I know, I'm rambling. But rambling helps. It helps to pour the crazy thoughts out here, so I'm not posting on random message boards asking for pills, or driving through shitty sections of town, looking to score, or breaking into the homes of people who trust me. I don't want to do that. I really don't. I just want to put this behind me, and the only way to do that is to go through it. Going through it sucks, though. Any feedback on how to break the cycle of obsession and compulsion would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again, Cap.
Click to expand...

That's ok! I don't have a therapist either. I don't particularly like face-to-face communication at times, and I have a really hard time getting to know and trusting new people.

It's good to know that you can get healthy levels of endorphin release from exercise, sex/masturbation, eating great food at a restaurant or at home, and other enjoyable activities like movies, TV shows, video games, reading books (I have read SO MUCH! This is my #1 lol!), work and school (though these can also be sources of stress so I always advise only going back into these if/when you're ready), etc. :)

Part of withdrawal is the anhedonia and not being able to enjoy anything, and I totally get that and have gone through it for so long this last withdrawal. But my advice is to start doing these activities (exercise, etc) before you feel better, because it'll help re-establish the "I can feel good from healthy activities" thought process, and will help you get through the acute withdrawal.
 
I would like to parrot what drexel said as well as expand on it. Do not glorify or romanticize the use. You remember how it was coming off before, and you know just what it leads to. Playing the tape forward and forecasting are two of my favorite tools in my recovery utility belt.


I don't have much to say other than "You are much stronger than you know, however even the strongest need the support of others sometimes."

This is like breaking your leg during a race. reach out to people in your support network and tell them what your feeling, and they, as those that unconditionally love you, will rally around you and carry you when you cannot walk. They will do so until you feel you can walk on your own again.

good luck and keep us posted.
 
I so understand that battle in your mind. I have been clean for a year and three months. A month or so ago, I went through this 3 or 4 day period of such bad cravings I was in tears. I also remember how my run ended (and it always ends)-detoxing cold-turkey, hallucinating, having seizures on the filthy floor of a jail cell.

Even after all that, I battle with it. Don't entertain those thoughts. They are like a terrible joke being played on you....a demon is disguised as pleasure is sitting there laughing at you. Don't let it win.

We have this cross to carry....all of us. We are all rallying around you Drexel....we're here to carry you home. I've learned just because I think it, doesn't mean I have to do it. Choose your family and your beautiful life that you've painstakingly built these past 13yrs.

I know it is a very difficult thing to do. I fought it every step of the way. I got me back by making that choice. My daughter and my friends got me back. It''s so worth it. Try to remember how worth it it is. Your family needs you. Please check in. :)<3
 
I too am in my first 7 hours of Withdrawl, superdosing C and doubting it. I feel relief reading these words, and I believe in myself again. But there's that voice that says, feel good now, fuck the stigma, fuck the stereotypes, fuck the other recovering addicts. This is me. There's always that fucking monster.
 
apx25 said:
I too am in my first 7 hours of Withdrawl, superdosing C and doubting it. I feel relief reading these words, and I believe in myself again. But there's that voice that says, feel good now, fuck the stigma, fuck the stereotypes, fuck the other recovering addicts. This is me. There's always that fucking monster.
Click to expand...

It is all robbing peter to pay paul....eventually paul comes looking for his money and takes more than the original bargain was for.
 
DrexelSpivey said:
Thanks, Cap. No, no therapist; I suppose that's why I'm posting here.

Took my last doses today. I feel alright, and honestly, the panic has ebbed somewhat since I'm out. That fucking beast is in the back of my head, scheming ways to get more, but I have enough self-control that I did not go in my neighbor's house while he was away to poke around in his medicine cabinet.

Honestly, I'd forgotten how much I enjoy the feeling opiates give me. There's the rub, isn't it? We love getting high. It's the destruction of everything in our lives, the chaos and degradation and dereliction that go along with it that we can't stand.

I can rightly put my finger on why, exactly, the thought of not having any is so distressing. Like I said, I know the withdrawal - physically, at least - won't be that bad. It's the psychological that I'm dreading so much. Everything seems so much more enjoyable, so much more tolerable, so much more vivid when I'm high ... but goddammit, I know that's an illusion, because I've spent the last 13 years loving my life. Getting high again, though, has been like discovering a long-lost friend.

I know, I'm rambling. But rambling helps. It helps to pour the crazy thoughts out here, so I'm not posting on random message boards asking for pills, or driving through shitty sections of town, looking to score, or breaking into the homes of people who trust me. I don't want to do that. I really don't. I just want to put this behind me, and the only way to do that is to go through it. Going through it sucks, though. Any feedback on how to break the cycle of obsession and compulsion would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again, Cap.
Click to expand...

I think you will be surprised by how little withdrawals you might have off that amount. For me it was often more psychological when I detoxed. I never got the wild trainspotting-style shaking and chucking. Just the usual aches, cramps, diarrhea, hot/cold flashes, sneezing and goosebumps. It goes away pretty quickly with pills, not like banging H for months on end.
 
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