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Is it all just me? Our household is falling apart & I'm stuck

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onelastdance

Greenlighter
Joined
Sep 3, 2013
Messages
2
Been checking bluelight out for years but just registered the other day because I'm desperately seeking some answers to or insight on the messed up and tense way things have been in my life lately. I don't know where to start, and I'll try to keep it short enough, but basically, my bf has been using tons of different substances over the past few years, ranging from PST, Phenazepam, stimulants, dissociatives, psychedelics, CWEs. I have occasionally engaged in 2ce, 4acodmt, etc adventures with him in the past (been together 5+ years), but I've never put us into dangerous, difficult or volatile situations/positions because of it. When we met, we were still young, had university to get through, and enjoyed having fun on the weekends together. After graduation, we moved to a bigger city, where we knew no one, had no jobs lined up, shitty place to live, and I don't know if it was the pressure of actually having to be responsible for himself, his actions or to consider another person that threw him off, but he started self medicating with benzos so that he could feel "comfortable" being around other people, and things just went downhill from there. The nodding out, the coldness, not taking care of his basic needs like having some sort of nutrients, started draining his finances & tanked his credit.

I used to be very spiteful about these times- no one knows how dark, sad, lonely and scary it really got. He doesn't even remember most of the 7-8 month stretch- but last year I saw a counselor about it & knew I had to move on & get over it. But ever since, it's been an endless run of trying to fill whatever void is there, having it make him feel shitty or depressed or he'll lose his access/source to something, but it just doesn't stop & there's always another answer to try. I feel like I can't get over the reckless drug use because the same damn situation keeps happening over & over. Same shit, different pile. While I can understand the idea of a "functional user", by his own very definition of "functionality", he is not remotely functional. He constantly contradicts himself, and it's not necessarily that he lies about things like "well, if I get xx amt of this or that, it'll last xx amt of time, for occassions & that'll be good" and then he blows through the shit in 1/10th the time he indicated. He hasn't worked for more than 4 months since I've known him, but yet he has all this money to spend on not only drugs, but on his hobbies or other things we don't need or electronics he'll fuck up when he's out of it & thinks he needs to open it up & fix something.

I recently took a second leave of absence from work because the Dexedrine I have been prescribed since March this year for ADHD may have allowed me to bring myself to the point of almost losing it (I was aggressive, scattered, worried & paranoid about small stuff). I haven't really abused it; I'm prescribed way more than my comfortable 40-50mg/day, and have never taken more than 70mg total/day. The dexedrine's become a matter of contention in this house because my boyfriend now eats it like it's candy, he lays guilt trips when he wants more of the tiny amount I've been able to salvage for actually keeping myself as functional as I can right now. As of today, there is not enough to last even myself until refill date. We started seeing a counselor together a few weeks ago... I felt hopeful; boyfriend was talking openly about the drug use, how it affects him, how it affects his relations in general with other people, how he didn't enjoy the roller coaster anymore, and we talked a lot both in and out of therapy about my being overly worried of shit hitting the fan again, where I'd run myself down, get treated like it didnt matter if I was around or not, only one working (pulling in overtime whenever I could), and emotionally abandoned by the person I geared my life towards building a future with. Yeh, I'm a bitch sometimes. But I remember the guy I met so long ago, and the relationship we had before the instability, arguments, constant apologies after fights, and I keep holding out thinking that when he says we can be happy and actually live again, he may actually try to work with me (I have my own issues to sort out from a mental health perspective & I do not deny that I nag, bitch & worry), and not against me. He gets irrational & says it's because "[I'm] against drugs". I'm not. Nor do I believe all drug use will ruin lives and/or relationships. I'm against screwing myself or my life over for someone who maybe doesn't give a shit about me or us making it together after allll of what we've been through. I ask him honestly if maybe we shouldn't be together anymore, but every time, he says we'll be ok and we'll make it, if we just try hard this time... I'm so sad, alone, confused & frustrated lately. I've been so down and depressed & none of this is helping. I'm stuck?:?
 
first I'd like to say I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, I have a pretty damn good idea as to how unbelievably terrible and shitty it feels. I specifically empathized with you the most in the parts where you said "yeah, I can be a bitch...yes I nag sometimes and have my own mental health issues..."
I bet he points that out to you and tries to use it against you, doesn't he?
well, if he doesn't, good. but if he does...maaaan does that piss me right off.
I know damn well that the issue in the relationship is NOT me, and the moment he says shit like that, my instant reaction is BULLSHIT, not true, he's trying to fuck with me - and I will initially stand up for myself, but he knows that it will cast a TINY little shadow of doubt in my head for me to think about later ... "wait...am I really as crazy as he says?"

these men are textbook narcissists. parasites. living off any host they can.
they know that at the beginning of the relationship, if they make all the right moves and spout all the right bullshit and say just what we wanna hear, we are gonna be like shooting fish in a barrel. HOOKED for...until we've lost our god damn minds. and frankly, well beyond that point...

I truly believe that while they have their own addiction, they become our addiction.
we are happy when things are well and semi-normal (or at least, seem like they are).
we are riding the exact same roller coaster that they are riding.
they're happy when we're not bitching, and they're high, and they've got what they need for the moment.
we're happy when we've been somehow convinced to forget that we're the only one working, that this person is quite literally feeding off of us, that we are supporting their drug habit, that we are wiping their ass, feeding them, and wiping their chin after they suck off our teat.
and for me, the part that makes me the MOST ANGRY is...at the end of the day, essentially...is it only me who can change this. and somehow I choose to stay in it. I choose to work my ass off everyday while he sits at home and beats off. he says he'll look for a job or has tried to but there's nothing out there, he says. fuck that right in the ear; the way I was raised, you will have a job always - no matter if your ass sat in college for 8 years, if you can't get a job in your desired field, guess what - take your ass to mickey d's because a little income is better than no income.

I am preaching to the choir here, I hear myself, but yet - I am still the sucker in the same situation.
I am so frustrated with myself because I KNOW I don't deserve this........or maybe I do?
see...that right there is the shadow of doubt that is placed in my head that he needs to keep there, because without it, he knows I'd get my ass up and shine my boot and swiftly kick him in the underside of his balls directly into the road without a second thought.
But somehow, he comes up with just the right thing to do or say at the right time to somehow make everything all right for a day or two.

I believe these men feed off of us. Not because there is something wrong with us, not because we 'have our own mental health issues,' (although I certainly believe that is something they fully use to their advantage by exploiting our weaknesses), but because we are naturally kind and generous, and they know that they can keep taking and using and abusing and reaping what we've sewn because we are going to keep giving and letting and taking the abuse and giving the fruits of our labor because (at least this is for me) I really don't have the ability to say 'no' even when I know I should, and he also knows that if I am asked for something and I deny it, I will immediately start ridiculing myself as to why I can't just give it? why am I such a bitch? even when I have nothing to give, I'm still guilty if I don't give what I've got, because fuck me anyway, right?

I'm sorry I've just babbled and gone on about what may seem like me...but I guess it is my way of showing you that I can really sympathize with you and the deep frustration that this situation brings. The way it hurts to the core, and the way we both know we should just GETTHEFUCKOUT!!! but for some strange, masochistic reason, we stick around.

if I wasn't in this situation, and I read your post, I probably'd have answered something short and sweet like "hey lady, guess what - people treat you the way you let them treat you. get the hell out while you're still alive."

and as easy and true as that is....well...yeah. it is. easy and true.
well, not so much easy. remember the part where I said that he's got his own addiction [to drugs] and he's your drug? well, just like withdrawal from any other drug, it's physically, mentally, and emotionally painful as hell. but it's one of those things you can't exactly 'taper off...' It's cold turkey time. Pack his shit, put it in the hallway, and say 'peace the fuck out, kid.' Plug your ears, don't listen to one god damn lie or word he's got to say, because FUCK him, today is your day, and it's about god damn time you TOOK CARE OF YOU. Did you ever ask to be a mother to a grown ass man? Hell no. All you wanted was a partner, a friend, the peanut butter to your jelly...somebody that maybe attempted to give as much of a shit about you as you do for them...is that too much to ask? well, it shouldn't be...

again, I apologize for the rambling. I am here to chat with you anytime, if you wanted to PM me or something, or not...either way, I truly wish you the strength and perseverance to get through this shit storm.
 
why are you with him if he has no job and doesn't contribute financially?

when you got together his intake was heavy, now you graduated he should be looking for a job.

sorry to say but i dont see it improving. your intake of dexamphetamine isn't helping either. if you have depression it makes it worse i found.

anyway this dude is not helping you or making your life easier.
 
You say you saw a counselor on your own last year, and you have been recently going together as a couple? I understand you want to work things out but what is he really giving you besides lip service? He's never held a real job, why should he when you're supporting him? It would be different if he was actually making an effort to improve his life. When he says "we'll make it if we just try hard this time" where's the we? It's just you and he's draining you.

People like this don't change. Even if he finds a job, he's still going to keep taking your prescriptions and whatever else he can get his hands on. Like poface said, these drugs aren't helping you either. You've already had to take leave of absence twice. So you can either move out, go back home and start over. Or throw his ass out and let his parents take care of him. Changes like this are hard and it will hurt a bit, but he's just going to keep sucking you dry.
 
T. Calderone said:
Changes like this are hard and it will hurt a bit, but he's just going to keep sucking you dry.
Click to expand...

Yes

What are your biggest obstacles to making him leave?

5 years is some time, but you could count it as time you took to find out you're not being nourished by this relationship anymore- or for years it sounds! Cut your losses. It sounds like you know what you need to do. I needed SLR to tell me a whole lotta shit before I took action, too :) Keep this thread up, it will only help you.
 
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