Thanks man,
Yeah I did come across the wrong way. I felt like I was getting bashed for asking for help. And the only way to really ask for help when you absolutely need it is to be honest about what's going on. Not sure I could've done this without the meds that my doctor prescribed. I do think it was a slight dig for having been honest with my doctor, but I will grant you that maybe I'm overly emotional because I'm withdrawing, so I'm going to let it drop.
I am taking it easy on the tramadol. I haven't had any since last night. I absolutely knew about the seizure implications of too much tramadol and have stayed well below it.
All I've had all day is the twice a day Clonodin which is just a blood pressure medication but seems to really help withdrawals big-time from everything I've read. If that's the reason that my withdrawals of been so tolerable than I would recommend that drug to everybody with any sort of opiate dependence. It has been a lifesaver.
I've just been hanging out all day in the hotel room watching movies and going for walks every hour around the hotel grounds. I've also been taking Imodium but only a couple of pills here and there to control the diarrhea.
Based on how I feel, I think I'm actually going to be OK when I go home tomorrow midmorning. I still feel rundown and kind of like I got hit by a truck, but my wife thinks I've had the flu while I've been gone and she'll baby me and be totally cool if I lay around for the rest of the weekend.
I think I could've actually gone to work today if I needed to. I wouldn't of been all that productive but I think I would've been able to tough it out, so with two more days under my belt I think I may be able to make it on Monday and actually be productive.
You're right about the booze, I'll be honest, I'm probably going to have something to drink tonight. It definitely gets me to settle down in a way that I really enjoy way more than the benzo's that I was prescribed. Those kind of space me out, but I will save them for the first couple nights back home since I have absolutely zero option of drinking once I'm home. I'm not worried about it becoming a problem again just because my wife is a complete Nazi when it comes to that. And that's a good thing, she will definitely keep me on the straight and narrow for the rest of my life in that regard. No way to get rid of alcohol breath so no way to sneak it the way I was the UEI. If she ever smelled alcohol on me she would kick my ass and immediately force me into some sort of a program. No way I'm going to jeopardize my marriage, my daughter etc. to drink. So I will occasionally drink when I go away on trips for business but that's it. Sucky addict logic, but if that's what it takes and that keeps it from becoming a problem again, that's not so bad.
So far, no horrible depression. A big part of that I think is because I'm missing my daughter so very much. All I want is to give her an awesome Life, and while I'm feeling so guilty that the amount I've spent on this crap is going to completely change the lifestyle that she's going to experience for the next 15 years, all I really want is to start fixing shit.
I really just want to go home, feel normal, get a good nights sleep for once, and wake up in the morning so comfortable in bed that I just want to go back to sleep.
For over a year now, I've been waking up at 5 AM even on the weekends. I only do it because I'm so uncomfortable and want to get my fix. My wife thinks it's because I value an hour or two if alone time before my daughter gets up. She makes fun of me, saying that living in a house full of women has driven me to be a morning person just so I can drink some coffee by myself and watch the news.
That's not it at all, it's only because I had been laying awake for over an hour squirming because I needed to get my dose. And it's only that late in the morning (ha ha) that I am squirming to get up because I got up at one in the morning to take a half of a teaspoon to get me through the last couple hours of the night. I am so sick, and I mean so very sick of my sleep schedule and waking schedule being dictated by my desperate need to eat greenish powder.
The lies we tell ourselves and everyone around us are insane.
Anyway, I'm rambling. Thanks a lot for the support, and that goes for everybody especially dog lover who has taken the time to write every day at least a couple of times. It's made a big difference. I check this site every hour or two and since you all are the only people I am being honest with and truly sharing exactly what's going on with, it seems to make a huge difference.