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Mental Health A weird one

MUSHET

MUSHET

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 18, 2008
Messages
1,227
Location
Glasgow
Hi,

I thought I would come on here and seek advice, or get some feedback on what this could be.

I woke up last night about 1 - 1.5 hours after falling asleep, I had been snorting small lines of heroin throughout the day at work, took last dose a few hours before falling asleep last night, I was reasonably high, felt good, was mucking about on Facebook, texting people, chilling. As I said, feeling good and nothing on my mind or worrying about anything.

When i woke up (this is where it gets weird) it felt like my bedroom was tiny and boxing me in, it was an hallucination of some sort, but really vivid, I sat up in bed and the walls and the door of my room (it's a rectangular shaped room, double bed centered on one of the shorter walls) seemed to be within touching distance, I was literally in this tiny wee room in the dark and it felt so real. I've woken up and had strange 'hallucinations' before, that last a few seconds until my mind works out what it is, it's more an optical illusion or my mind playing tricks in the dark. You know, a jacket hanging up looks like a person, the light of the moon shining on the wall makes something look like something else - you know what I mean? However, this seemed to last for ages and seemed very real and it freaked me out. I knew that it wasn't real but my mind wasn't correcting the small room. Once my eyes and mind adjusted I put on the lamp and had what can only be described as a mild panic attack! Chest felt tight, I took deep breaths and jumped up, and walked about. I do suffer from anxiety and mild depression which I'm being treated for, although i haven't had a 'panic attack' like this before.

I've noticed that these 'hallucinations' are more profound when I've been taking H. I've only been dabbling for 3 or 4 months, snorting only. I have had minor withdrawls a few times now, I usually stop taking it if I've went a couple of weeks taking it everyday. I imagine I don't really take that much in comparison to other folk. Usually when I have these nocturnal hallucinations they don't bother me, my mind seems to correct what I'm seeing quickly. Last night freaked me out though.

I know H disturbs my sleep usually anyway, I wake up a lot if I go to bed high, then i'll get up go to work, sometimes have my first wee bump before midday. What I want to know is, has anyone else had these kind of hallucinations/sleep disturbances on H, can H bring on anxiety or a panic attack? I was always lead to believe that opiates are quite good at combating anxiety symptoms, I have been feeling good otherwise. Is there such a thing as heroin induced psychosis?

I haven't been taking anything else recently, even cut down on my alcohol consumption drastically. I also stopped smoking for 4 months or so now, my only vice is a wee bit of H, I usually find it relaxing and can function on it within reason, last night was different though.

I'm worried that maybe it's going to take it's toll now.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Cheers,

MUSHET
 
Hey. I didn't have time to read the whole thing. But I would really urge you not to continue that habit. As many people on bluelight will tell you, it basically never ends well. While you may not spend a lot of money/time/effort on getting it now, tolerance can skyrocket so that you'll spend all available funds (and then some) on getting more. I'll check back later.

Peace
 
I've never had that happen on h, or I just didn't chalk it up to my consumption . I've had similar experiences but the weren't drug related, just something that happens once every few years or so. Sry I don't have much to add. Maybe u should retire ur thread to heroin and hallutionations, a lot of h users don't reall bother with the mental health section of bl. You'd definitely get more responses. The only reason I read it is because I have some mental illness issues too. If u added heroin to the title it would help get more people to read ur post...
 
Thanks for the responses.

How do I retitle my thread?

I know I shouldn't be dabbling in heroin, I understand I should give it up sooner rather than later; however, I am enjoying it for the time being. At present it seems to work pretty well with my fairly normal lifestyle: work, girlfriend, weekend, family. I also have no intention to inject, it's not my thing. Hardly anybody knows I even taken it, while drugs were a big part of my social circle, H was never explored by anybody and kind of frowned upon. Everyone has kind of settled down now with marriage and kids, I've kind of went the opposite way and split up with my wife and see my kids every two weeks as she has moved down south to England (fucking shite, I miss them terribly).

I was always curious about trying it so sought it out. I can function better on it than I can with benzos, although I'm aware I may be walking on a tightrope.

The mental health thing has always been present, although probably got a bit worse since separating from my family - although I have my moments where everything is fine. I'm on medication for anxiety and have been referred to see a psychiatrist privately. I doubt my problems are that bad next to some, but best to speak to someone.
 
Hiya MUSHET. Noticed you're fae Glesga ;)

I can't give you much advise on your original question, although I have experienced that sensation since I was wee- as in before I took any recreational drugs. Not for a while now though, at least if it IS the same thing can't be sure!

I'd agree best speaking to someone cause that must be really fucking difficult not seeing your weans the same as u used to etc! Sorry to hear you're suffering from anxiety/depression and hard times, it's well Shite. The worst thing you can do is develop a habit on top of that though, seriously the odds are it will creep up on you and before you know it, it will be even harder to deal with your existing stuff that's going on and if it's looked down upon within your group of friends/family I know personally that as soon as folk know/get an idea that you will never be looked at the same way again i.e. massively stigmatised. I'm sorry I'm being all preachy but I've seen shit hit the fan many a time with friends, and it saddens me. (nearly got me still consider it at low times and that's the power of something that takes all your worries away) but then I think of my ex who no longer knows who anyone is, cant walk or talk etc, in a care home - and although it wasn't caused by an overdose directly, Heroin played a big part in the outcome. He has a wean who now no longer has a Daddy who can take him places teach him things, make each other laugh and so on. He loved his wee boy but H took a lot of energy. Count your blessings and Fuck that stuff. It's no worth it.
 
Hello, aye, from Glasvegas here.

You're correct, the H can get tae fuck! Although, I do have a half teenth left, I'll take it today then let myself go into withdrawl (it will be mild, as it's been before). Monday and Tuesday will be a bit shitty, I'll be smiling by Wednesday next week.

Sorry to hear about your ex, that sounds awful, especially since there is kid involved.

I've posted my doctor's referral letter to the insurance company, I should be hearing from them soon regarding seeing shrink. Part of the sessions will be about 'addiction problems' - so, yeah, developing a habit just now would be madness.
 
Mushet, I have had similar "hallucinations' in the past--always at night and with a resting brain. I only remember that one (room closing in) once or twice but used to have almost the opposite (where I woke up with my body ballooning to huge proportions that would almost fill the room) quite a lot. This happened so frequently during my twenties that I thought I was going mad and yet it all but disappeared on its own. Perhaps it is nothing more than some sensation getting faulty perceptions attached to it while semi-conscious in our sleep.

I do hope that you can use the collective wisdom of Bluelight to fortify your resolve to quit heroin. Of course it offers temporary bliss and relief from anxiety and depression. The truth is that anxiety and depression can come at us at different times in our lives and learning ways to manage them and dis-empower them is a very good life-skill. I truly hope that your work with the psychiatrist will include not only talk of drug therapy but also of the very concrete and practical therapies out there that can teach you how to transform your own thoughts.<3
 
I'm near there tae. Thanks. Like yourself I shall be smiling soon! Got to try and stay positive, what else can we do. It's good to hear you're sceptical about smack- best attitude to have with it imo. Take care :)
 
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When I was a kid, Long before any drug use before falling asleep I would feel like I was shrinking to this tiny mass in the huge massive space and other times I would grow and fill this space, I loved it! and when I would fall just before sleep I loved that also... maybe this thrill seeking at a young age even though was only a dreamlike childhood sleep state showed my predisposition for future drug use as it is after all just chasing thrills for free with drugs.

Never experienced weird stuff like that when I was taking H.....
 
Pipedreams.

Certainly- heroin has taken me many places whilst sleeping/ nodding. They all had a very evil, dark texture to them, and they were usually never pleasant. With little to no tolerance, I'd even say heroin and opium have hallucinogenic-like properties.

But yea, unless you plan to move to Bangkok or Laos or somewhere where the shit is dirt cheap and totally pure, I'm with everyone else saying quit it now whilst you're ahead.

You don't want to be one of us who preach about the dark-side of this stuff.
 
Thanks for the responses, I've had no 'hallucinations' since my first post. Extremely vivid dreams though, dreamt last night I was in The Beatles, but Lennon and McCartney were trying to kick me out the band because I didn't have the right haircut. Bastards.

It's been 36 hours since last dose of H now, I'm at work and can't be fucked. Constant yawning, don't know if I'm hot or cold, nose running, anxiety and self loathing at a higher bar than usual, dwelling on things that probably don't even matter that much; however, I seem to make a bigger deal of things.

That's the worst thing, the anxiety and lack of motivation - I want to be fine for the weekend when I'll have the kids. They deserve me to be a 100% when they are with me, some times I wish I was completely tee-total, maybe I should give it a go. I'm sure that most of my problems have arose due to predominantly alcohol abuse, it's like my mind has been scrambled.
 
I didn't use any kind of drug for years (now use mj minimally for sleep) and I have to say that having a clear mind and learning how to infuse my own life with energy and adventure on my terms, learning how to relax when I needed to, learning how to deal with unpleasant emotional states without running from them etc. made everything so much easier. I recommend a drug free life not based on any kind of morality but as a very empowering way to experience your own humanity.<3
 
Drugs and alcohol have been in my life for so long, like a crutch. Now it feels like that crutch is beginning to wobble. I kind of wish I recognised that the crutch was faulty in the first place, or I probably didn't need it at all. I'm one of those guys that 'moderation' has no meaning, with alcohol anyway - one drink always leads to Black Out City at some point in the night, then the anxiety hits the next day like a steel toe-capped boot to the temple.

Benzos are another thing, although I have given up, that I used to pop like smarties. Walking about like a zombie wasn't good, or crashing the car while intoxicated.
 
Even though you wrote this a couple of weeks ago I just wanted to throw my "two cents in" (for what it's worth:)) because of the other thread we "spoke" on.

As I wrote on there, I've never used heroin but it's said (and I don't even know if it's true) that oxys are a lot like heroin (and anyone can feel free to correct me if I'm wrong)......anyway, seeing as how I also have severe anxiety issues (and take medication for it) and take oxys I just have a thought but could be way off:

IF heroin is even similar to oxycodone then for me anyway when I 1st began using oxys (and before I began abusing them and only taking them to "not be sick"), they created an extreme energy boost for me. Being prescribed Xanax (and some of the oxys I was taking) if I'd combine the 2 too soon I would (and again this JUST me) feel even more energetic even though I would've thought the effect would've been the opposite. As in too much energy and a racing type of feeling that I hated. I quickly realized that if I took the oxycodone I didn't need to take any Xanax because as crazy as this sounds they both produce the the same effect for me body wise (except of course that Xanax doesn't relieve any of my physical pain).

All and all, KNOWING how horrible severe panic/anxiety attacks can be what you experienced (again just to me) sounds like a panic attack to the extreme. And I've experienced many of them within my life and also many that led to ER trips in which I really thought I was dying (without being under the influence of anything and before I was prescribed Xanax). I do know that both opiates and opoids suppress the CNS (Xanax of course as well)... yet for me I've encountered many occasions where I've taken too much oxys (something I'm sure not bragging about) and I felt like my heart was going to come flying right out of my chest. As in I wanted so badly to just "slow" everything down. Then what did I foolishly do? Had many drinks to try to bring me down. When I think about many of the things I've done to my body throughout the past couple of years I'm really lucky I'm still here.

To me, again, it sounds like the heroin definitely led to a massive and severe panic attack. Getting them myself, I've also woken out of my sleep having a full blown one. When I 1st began to have them I could be out shopping (having a great time, no drugs) and all of a sudden everything would start to spin and I couldn't figure out how to get out of the store yet needed to because my chest would become so tight, my heart beating rapidly, feeling like I couldn't breathe and thinking I was going to die. And I swear to anyone reading this it was not drug induced. At that point in my life? I hadn't even touched a drug of any sort in many, many years.

It once even occurred on my birthday while out shopping with my mom (one of the times that led to an ER trip) and she said I became so pale that I looked like a ghost.

Even now with medication it still occurs (which is why I mentioned to you on the other thread that I'm so scared now that I've stopped taking the oxys).....had I have known now what I foolishly didn't think of when I began taking them 1st recreationally and then medicinally which led to a hardcore addiction quickly I would never have taken one single pill because now when I stop (even for just a few hours) my panic attacks come back worse then they have ever been.

As stupid as it sounds though this time I'm trying different approaches. Talking to Facebook friends, writing on their posts, coming onto here and writing, reading....anything to try to defocus.

I will end my already much too long post though by saying that if you don't feel you are addicted now? Don't keep going. Stop before you become someone like me. Someone that swore she would NEVER be an "addict". Much love to you<3
 
Yes, Oxys do feel similar to H, my mother was prescribed them last year for a cracked spine, she stopped taking them because on top of the diazepam she was also given she hated how fucked up she was getting (my mum is the complete opposite of a 'druggie' you can get). I shamefully helped myself when she stopped taking them, before then my opiate experiences were numerous CWEs on codeine over the years.

I too get energetic on opiates, until I take too much and start to nod. My first line of the day and I'm pretty psyched up, perform better at work etc etc.

I'm on meds for anxiety, been on them for a year and a half. They work okay usually, but taking other shit such as H, benzos even booze makes taking them pointless it seems. I don't really want to up my dose as I got shitty unwanted side effects, I want to wean off the SSRI eventually.

It's weird, sometimes I'm fine and feel great, confident. Then other mornings I wake up with that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and the thought of even getting ready for work is like the feeling of impending doom.
 
MUSHET said:
Yes, Oxys do feel similar to H, my mother was prescribed them last year for a cracked spine, she stopped taking them because on top of the diazepam she was also given she hated how fucked up she was getting (my mum is the complete opposite of a 'druggie' you can get). I shamefully helped myself when she stopped taking them, before then my opiate experiences were numerous CWEs on codeine over the years.

I too get energetic on opiates, until I take too much and start to nod. My first line of the day and I'm pretty psyched up, perform better at work etc etc.

I'm on meds for anxiety, been on them for a year and a half. They work okay usually, but taking other shit such as H, benzos even booze makes taking them pointless it seems. I don't really want to up my dose as I got shitty unwanted side effects, I want to wean off the SSRI eventually.

It's weird, sometimes I'm fine and feel great, confident. Then other mornings I wake up with that feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach and the thought of even getting ready for work is like the feeling of impending doom.
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Wow, I'm the last person in the world who tends to agree with nearly everything someone says but reading what you write? I feel like in many ways you're the male version of my myself...haha:). I want to state that I do take meds for legitimate disorders and that it's not all for "pleasure". Multiple spinal cord issues (many due to years of extreme physical abuse), a condition that most aren't familiar with called RSD and now possibly cancer. Ironically I 1st began using to "numb" myself from feeling the pain of the abuse and then eventually needed them. By that time they no longer helped me. I've also had multiple "partially awake" surgeries in which the surgeon used pain medication based upon what I was prescribed.....to put it mildly? Horrific and I felt nearly everything.

As for how your mom is? My mom was exactly the same. I quit working for a while to care for her when she was passing away. A slow and painful death yet when I went to go and pick up the pain med she was prescribed and she heard the word "morphine"? She preferred to suffer then to be a "druggie" as she called it. She was fully "anti drug" and "anti drink" to the maximum. That's sure one characteristic I wish she would've passed along to me. When people see me that are older they almost get "freaked out" and say "you look IDENTICAL to your mom when she was your age"! A huge compliment in my opinion yet I sure wish that besides having her "appearance gene" that I also had her full "anti drug/drink gene" plus she was just naturally the most confident woman I've ever known. Another attribute I wish I had.

Because lastly, as for what you said about how you wake some mornings? It's almost funny that you mentioned it because I have many days like that. As a matter of fact, I woke on Monday (and yes, I realize as man versus woman our "rituals" aren't exactly the same...haha:)) but I took forever to put my eye makeup on (the only makeup I wear), I was sure that every strand of my hair was "done" perfectly, put on what I thought was a cute "outfit" and thought I looked fantastic and like I could've conquered anything in this world. Fully confident in myself. Tuesday? It's like I didn't even care to try because I felt no confidence and like bad karma was out there waiting for me somewhere before I even walked out the door. The odd thing? I was right and it was a bad day which leads me to often wonder (within my own self) if maybe when I just THINK it's going to be a "good day", it will be, yet if I think oppositively and wake with a pessimistic attitude that perhaps I just end up bringing on the bad day myself since it's so much easier to accomplish anything if feeling confident and as best as I can about myself. Almost kind of like: "HELLO WORLD:)! Toss anything at me and I can handle it with ease:)!" If just EVERYDAY could be that simple though. But unfortunately it's not.
 
If you become dependent on a substance or your DOC sleep will always become disturbed as your body is going through withdrawal. This even happens for people who are alcoholics. My suggestion is get off the stuff before any more damage is done. Otherwise the ground is the limit unfortunately.
 
iv'e gotten a trip like vibe from dope when i first started using it. not preaching but its expensive maybe try subutex might b better for u.
 
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! This is ALMOST TOO FUNNY!!! I read this post before the reply you sent to me on the "chippidy, chipper" one and here I went and replied nearly the same thing you did:)! You wrote on there that I'm like the female version of you and here I wrote the same thing to you without even seeing that you wrote it to me:).

I went to reply on there but somehow lost it (or maybe I'm just "losing it" due to much needed laughter:))!! But I hit the back arrow on my phone by mistake and it erased it which maybe was all for the best since the person who wrote the thread may not have liked part of what my response was which was that you're right about addictions and binges but that if I ever go on a drinking, benzo, opiate, cosmetic surgery binge (even though besides h I never did that either:)) that I better NEVER wake up and see that h has somehow grabbed me by the BALLS!!! HAHAHA:)! Upon thinking about it though, that IS possible (NOT ME getting any body parts added on of course but balls ARE actually possible even for me as a woman) since I COULD put on a necklace or even a belt, possibly even earrings and hang a pair of pink, fuzzy "balls" from any of those items and then I WOULD have "balls" for it to grab onto (super huge red smiley insert and I don't get why I can't use smileys like others can:(. I tried once and each one just appeared as a symbol:(.

Oh wow, I have NOOOO idea how I'm laughing today:)!....but I think I've said MORE then enough or rather if I find the need to continue "ball talk" then I need to move myself to a different forum:)!!!!!
 
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