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Mental Health My abuse story

I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, and I relate to a lot of it, you're not alone. Especially the parents not doing anything. That's one of the things that angers me a lot. Not just parents, teachers, the school system. It was always me at fault for everything, I was just a bad girl being punished for being bad. That's what I heard. "You never take responsibility, you blame everyone else for your own actions" or "You're remembering it wrong, that didn't happen/it happened differently, you brought it on yourself". That's what I was told for everything, and seemed to be blamed for everything. By those who failed to protect me, and from those responsible for hurting me. It's likely why I have such bad self esteem problems. Which even as I type that now a part of my mind yells at me for blaming other people for my problems. And I can't understand how seemingly nobody noticed that my behavioral problems were textbook for a young girl who's been sexually abused and/or traumatized. I wouldn't have told them had they asked anyway, because I didn't really process that it was abuse at that age. And didn't until many years later.

Anyway, I've avoided ever talking about what happened to me to psych types. I pretty much didn't think about it until I was 19. And started seeing it all from an adults perspective instead of a child's. Thinking about child me as separate from me me. It all suddenly seemed so different. I would look back and realize that no children deserve what happened to me and no children should be made to feel like they were at fault for it. That if I saw someone treating any child the way I was treated I'd wanna fucking kill them.

I admire your bravery for talking in detail about it, and in detail to a psych. I truly don't know if I could be honest like that with a psych, I don't know if I'm as strong as you. I'm too afraid too, too afraid that they'll tell me it was my fault, or it didn't happen the way I'm remembering, or anything else I was told when it was going on. And it's too hard to put into words, I just can't say it. I can talk about it now so long as I don't mention specifics.

I hope you find peace one day. Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk.
 
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JessFR said:
I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, and I relate to a lot of it, you're not alone. Especially the parents not doing anything. That's one of the things that angers me a lot. Not just parents, teachers, the school system. It was always me at fault for everything, I was just a bad girl being punished for being bad. That's what I heard. "You never take responsibility, you blame everyone else for your own actions" or "You're remembering it wrong, that didn't happen/it happened differently, you brought it on yourself". That's what I was told for everything, and seemed to be blamed for everything. By those who failed to protect me, and from those responsible for hurting me. It's likely why I have such bad self esteem problems. Which even as I type that now a part of my mind yells at me for blaming other people for my problems. And I can't understand how seemingly nobody noticed that my behavioral problems were textbook for a young girl who's been sexually abused and/or traumatized. I wouldn't have told them had they asked anyway, because I didn't really process that it was abuse at that age. And didn't until many years later.

Anyway, I've avoided ever talking about what happened to me to psych types. I pretty much didn't think about it until I was 19. And started seeing it all from an adults perspective instead of a child's. Thinking about child me as separate from me me. It all suddenly seemed so different. I would look back and realize that no children deserve what happened to me and no children should be made to feel like they were at fault for it. That if I saw someone treating any child the way I was treated I'd wanna fucking kill them.

I admire your bravery for talking in detail about it, and in detail to a psych. I truly don't know if I could be honest like that with a psych, I don't know if I'm as strong as you. I'm too afraid too, too afraid that they'll tell me it was my fault, or it didn't happen the way I'm remembering, or anything else I was told when it was going on. And it's too hard to put into words, I just can't say it. I can talk about it now so long as I don't mention specifics.

I hope you find peace one day. Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk.
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I am truly truly sorry that this has happened to you. What kind of sick person makes a child feel like rape is their fault? Im sorry for the hostility, i just cant imagine someone thinking it's okay to feel that way.

Jess, I understand that it is hard to talk to someone about this. Someday you should, when YOUR ready. I can 1,000,000% reassure you that no counselor in their right mind would make you think it's your fault, not believe you, etc.

It's amazing what we hold back in our mind, or think is okay as a child. I can totally relate to the realizing it later.

Jess, you are NOT to blame here.

((Hugs))
 
JessFR said:
I'm truly sorry for what happened to you, and I relate to a lot of it, you're not alone. Especially the parents not doing anything. That's one of the things that angers me a lot. Not just parents, teachers, the school system. It was always me at fault for everything, I was just a bad girl being punished for being bad. That's what I heard. "You never take responsibility, you blame everyone else for your own actions" or "You're remembering it wrong, that didn't happen/it happened differently, you brought it on yourself". That's what I was told for everything, and seemed to be blamed for everything. By those who failed to protect me, and from those responsible for hurting me. It's likely why I have such bad self esteem problems. Which even as I type that now a part of my mind yells at me for blaming other people for my problems. And I can't understand how seemingly nobody noticed that my behavioral problems were textbook for a young girl who's been sexually abused and/or traumatized. I wouldn't have told them had they asked anyway, because I didn't really process that it was abuse at that age. And didn't until many years later.

Anyway, I've avoided ever talking about what happened to me to psych types. I pretty much didn't think about it until I was 19. And started seeing it all from an adults perspective instead of a child's. Thinking about child me as separate from me me. It all suddenly seemed so different. I would look back and realize that no children deserve what happened to me and no children should be made to feel like they were at fault for it. That if I saw someone treating any child the way I was treated I'd wanna fucking kill them.

I admire your bravery for talking in detail about it, and in detail to a psych. I truly don't know if I could be honest like that with a psych, I don't know if I'm as strong as you. I'm too afraid too, too afraid that they'll tell me it was my fault, or it didn't happen the way I'm remembering, or anything else I was told when it was going on. And it's too hard to put into words, I just can't say it. I can talk about it now so long as I don't mention specifics.

I hope you find peace one day. Feel free to PM me if you wanna talk.
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I had many of the same fears you just talked about before I started being honest with a phych. Like Crunchyplanets said its not your fault! And the only people who think its your fault are people who are trying to protect themselves from the blame of what happened. I really urge you to see a therapist about your abuse if you feel its negatively affecting your life. Hell it was really brave of you to admit you where abused in the post you made. From one survivor to another I am really sorry you are going through this. Hugs
 
Wow, reading through your experience is like reading through what happened to me as a kid..

I'm so sorry that you had to go through that. With me, it was my mother and her ex boyfriend. I really had to place to turn because she knew it was happening and would get me drunk or give me pills prior to the rape. At school I was just the weird quiet kid. Always bullied, even by teachers. I have severe social phobia and was in the principles office every day for "refusing to participate" because I would freeze and be so overwhelmed with anxiety I couldn't talk when called on during class. This led to me leaving school in 5th grade.

My mom finally left the state with her boyfriend after she almost killed me. Overdosed me on sleeping pills. She was never changed with any child abuse charges even after I was in the hospital for two weeks from that.

I started to abuse benzodiazepines when I was 14 just to get through, I remember thinking "wow, is this what it feels like to be normal" while on 4mg lorazepam, because my anxiety was so bad that was the first time I felt almost okay.

Then when I was 16 I got sick - enlarged spleen, gallbladder infection, severe anemia - didn't know why. Finally found it was cancer. After my first surgery I found how amazing painkillers were. I needed them for pain but also abused them.

I beat cancer but I'm left permanently disabled now at age 20. Still on pain medication. Still enjoy the high. Trying to get off of them by using Kratom.

Luckily I have an amazing, supportive soon to be wife who is the only one who knows all of the details of my childhood and I consider myself the luckiest man in the world to have someone to amazing in my life. I left the state I lived in when the abuse happened, moved away from all of my family who let the abuse happen. Now I consider this my family here - with my fiance's family, and my friends.

----
I'm sorry, again, that you had to go though all of that. I understand and I'm here for you. Please PM me any time, man. I'm all ears if you ever want to talk or if you need advice on how to handle things. I'm glad you made It through.

Keep fighting-- you'll find a happy place in life one day.
 
Fucking hell man, that sounds grim. No child should go through what you did, childhood is supposed to be a happy carefree time, but unfortunately for so many, like yourself, it's full of darkness and despair.

I was never abused as a child; however I am a father now, I know for a fact that if anyone harmed my children I would gauge their fucking eyeballs out. They are so innocent full of smiles and love, the very thought of that being ripped away from them for the sick diseased satisfaction of some cunt, it makes me sick to my stomach.

My ex wife was abused as a child by a teenage neighbour, I think that it can be partly blamed for the breakdown of our marriage. She went to see a psychiatrist as an adult, before we got together, she was told that she may need to seek help again later on in life perhaps when in a serious relationship. Her folks weren't as supportive as one might think, I could never get my head around that one because, as I have already said, I would do some serious damage to someone if it was my little ones and I am not a violent man whatsoever.

My wife lived in a town, so the prospect of bumping into the guy was too much, she ended up moving out of home when she was 17, moved to Scotland when she was 19 when i met her. Fortunately she has succeeded in life, is quite a strong person, she went to uni, got a good career. Unfortunately though, it did affect our marriage (not that it was the only contributing factor), but I would say it was the catalyst, perhaps not completely evident at first; however, if I sit and think about things, it all makes sense.

You are doing the right thing at least talking about it, it must have been difficult all of those years, wanting to tell someone but not being able to. I hope that guy is dead - I mean that.

All the best mate.
 
Thank you. For the replies, the private messages, the love, the acceptance, it means more than you will ever know. The world is a beautifully horrible place.
 
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