Cocaine addiction won't go away

[SmokingAces]

So I have been using this stuff over half my life span now. Quality ranging from the worst of the worst UK repress <5% to the very best import quality stuff, better than 95% of the population will ever see.

I went through phases of addiction in my late teens. Racking up tens of thousands of debt. Some was paid some went unpaid.

Lately though it's different. This year I got into making crack. That was a disaster in itself and cost me £4k almost as soon as I'd started smoking it. Then worse still I decided to try and IV it.

Now the first time it was just one time, I never did it again for months. Never thought it was that great.. Well. Lately when I have the money to burn I've been getting this gear and honest to god it is just out of this world how good it is. And I am well experienced with both cocaine and addiction, but right now the cocaine is just too good. I'm thinking about it more than ever before. It's also become semi acceptable (almost) IV'ing among a few friends, but it's driving us all apart, I think as we all know together we are worse than the sum of our parts.

Tonight I caved in mentally. Family found a stash of pins I had after I came home 4am Sunday morning to pick up a gram of MDMA I had left at the house (Which also wound up getting IV'd). Pins have been binned and my father has barely spoke to me since, my mother has been understanding, sound but I know she's worried about me, and right to be. I'm realizing more and more though that this is taking it's toll on me, emotionally, physically and mentally.

The thing is it's almost like the IV'ing has become another addiction ontop of the cocaine. But it is only cocaine I really want to IV. My arms are literally covered in marks and bruises I IV'd a whole gram of brilliant coke in 10 hits and that was just Friday. I had another 2g on Saturday morning, and 1g on Saturday night/Sunday morning, obviously in social situations more of it gets sniffed or smoked. It's also getting to the stage I've less interest in doing it with anyone else and less care for which day or what event is happening, not like it used to be. I'm sure other addicts will get me.

I know all the things I must do to beat this. Find focus, which I'll admit I'm currently lacking. Problem is I've also just been diagnosed bipolar and I'm signed off for 2 months. I started new martial arts once a week and have been trying to keep up with a few gym/swimming sessions a week. But the cocaine is still eating away at my health. I feel like I'm struggling more and more to dig myself out of it each time, it's like I haven't got the same spark about me and not so many things around me are new and interesting to reel me back.

I know I should stop too. But I still feel like I'm missing something, even to myself that sounds so fucked up it's unreal. I never thought I could wind up like this, but I am like 100% sure there is a better buzz to be had yet from it. I think I've fucked it up a few times now because I sniff a line to be sure the gear is kosher. Is this possible? Smoking just seems a waste and barely even enjoyable compared to IV'ing, more fiend less euphoria. There is something about the needle too.

I said to myself earlier today something had to change. And tomorrow I am going to get back to exercise first thing. I've quit booze and weed during the week, but that's no use if I'm going on 72 hour coke binges at the weekend. As much as I want to get back to healthy living and off the coke I'm also fiending some right now even.

The scariest thing of all about it is, when I look myself dead in the eye, in the mirror. I don't think I will get off with this one. It's almost like destiny had it written in the stars this would be where it would end. I knew another BL'er who I think died this way. It was only today I really figured out some of the intense emotions he must have gone through, today has been tough.

I figured the least I could do would be document this, and if one day it does kill me at least those close to me will know how I felt. And I meant no harm by it. Despite everything I have done wrong. I will post my thoughts, feelings, conclusions here. So that at least there is something to be gathered from it. Cocaine in general is one drug it seems there is less quality information on how to beat the habit.

Peace and goodnight bluelight

 

[Ignot]

You should go to rehab for at least two months, that's what worked for me

 

[dognasher]

Aw, man, I am so sorry you are going through this. Also, you are not alone. I recently came off an AWFUL IV coke habit, and that shit is no joke.

And it's true the needle is more than half the addiction, especially since when combined with cocaine the reward system in your brain just goes nuts. You CAN stop though. It's really hard but soon your brain can move on from the cravings. It took me five years, two rehabs, one detox, and two ODs to do it, but I did. And you will too. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I cannot tell you how free I feel right now.

I won't give you any advice because you seem self aware enough to know you need help, and help comes in different ways for everybody, but the above poster has a point in the mere fact that he says it took two months away from coke to get off it - and whether you go to rehab or not, that part is true. You will need to make it past those first couple of acute months before it gets better.

Hang in there. IV coke is really dangerous. Probably one of the worst habits out there. I am very grateful to still be alive.

PM me if you need to talk - I know that this addiction can be really lonely and you are probably feeling very depressed right now from all the ups and downs. Remember it's the drugs talking - you aren't a bad person or a broken one.

Best wishes to you!

 

[Ignot]

Aw, man, I am so sorry you are going through this. Also, you are not alone. I recently came off an AWFUL IV coke habit, and that shit is no joke.

And it's true the needle is more than half the addiction, especially since when combined with cocaine the reward system in your brain just goes nuts. You CAN stop though. It's really hard but soon your brain can move on from the cravings. It took me five years, two rehabs, one detox, and two ODs to do it, but I did. And you will too. It was the hardest thing I have ever done but I cannot tell you how free I feel right now.

I won't give you any advice because you seem self aware enough to know you need help, and help comes in different ways for everybody, but the above poster has a point in the mere fact that he says it took two months away from coke to get off it - and whether you go to rehab or not, that part is true. You will need to make it past those first couple of acute months before it gets better.

Hang in there. IV coke is really dangerous. Probably one of the worst habits out there. I am very grateful to still be alive.

PM me if you need to talk - I know that this addiction can be really lonely and you are probably feeling very depressed right now from all the ups and downs. Remember it's the drugs talking - you aren't a bad person or a broken one.

Best wishes to you!

I remember holding out on going to rehab for almost 6 months, I kept saying "Nah, I could do it myself" I think I went two weeks without a rock, and then picked it up again. Eventually I got so paranoid that I would smoke twenty rocks in one hit and feel like my heart was going to explode. One time I even I ran out my house and was convinced I was going to be the target of a sniper attack.


I was so burned out when I got to rehab that my brain was just happy that I was no longer making it paranoid, There was something about being in rehab that just made the switch in my brain 'turn off' towards coke cravings. Almost three years clean...

 

[SmokingAces]

I decided last Friday guys it was my last coke binge. Only sniffing. I'm not fully addicted to the needle just yet, and smoking rock makes me too paranoid the smell and everything else.

It's just not for me anymore. I even still have some coke in the house now and I've not touched it. Told a friend he can have it as it's nice stuff, I'm double done with it. My other friend bought an ounce of the same stuff to sell and he's taken the whole lot apparently.

I know this means cutting alot of people off. I've not logged into FB or turned my phone on in a week, still seen the people who matter to me. Not the cokefiends though, they're gone I'm afraid.

I know if I take it again particularly IV or smoking I will keep doing it and it's become mundane, almost like a chore. I have admittedly smoked some meth this evening, but I've only used that 20 or so times in 6 years. I'm not going to be making a habit of that replacing cocaine.

My decision is to put life, my own fitness and self worth, before any drugs. And with any other drugs I take which I will also be trying to avoid, I will never be IV'ing anything again.

To be honest and this is with best of the best coke, the high isn't worth it at all. Your basically addicted to coming so close to a heart attack you can hear the blood pressure in your ears. Fuck that shit.

I hate coke for the grief I have caused myself with it. An 11 year habit. It will never be a good enough high for where it leaves me, where it's left me, the way it leaves me feeling for days after. I'm still nowhere near recovered but mentally it is case closed for me. I do not want any cocaine.

 

[dognasher]

I know you are suffering but I have to say I was really happy to read that last post by you, because it sounds like you are OVER IT. Keep that in the front of your mind. Don't think about the high, think about all the shitty awful things that came along with IVing blow.

You can do this! And you will feel so amazing once it's out of your life for good - it will be something you can be proud of for the rest of your life, that you overcame such an awful addiction.

 

[SmokingAces]

Thanks man means alot. And yes, I almost hate cocaine in general now (I know its my own fault not the drug). In the beginning it's great but once you get addicted and into such long drawn out pointless and often lonely sessions which leave you feeling utterly empty afterwards it really is hell. PM if you fancy a chat dude read quite a few of your posts on here. Agree with alot of what you say man.

 

[endlessnameless]

Basically, my understanding is that you have to think about your lowest point. Then think about how you got there- by constantly choosing to use. Free will is the greatest and the worst aspect of human existence. We are all the sums of our choices. And we all have the free will to say, "I'm going to get high, I'm going to die in a small way." We also have the free will to say, "No, I'm not going to do that. Instead I'm going to do this, and it's going to be better than using because it will not inch me back to my lowest point."

had

Excuse me for jumping in here, but I'd just like to express how the above has been a huge motivator for me. My addiction was smoking Heroin as opposed to coke - which I recently relapsed on (relapse is a very overused term - it was rather like a month long binge) following being clean for 3 years, but since this isnt my thread I'll make another detailing what lead me back to buying again.

OP - you're on the right the right track. The harder this experience is for you mentally, the less likely you are to return to that way of life. After I quit Methadone I spent 7 months looking for work and during that time of unemployment became very depressed and developed a 'fuck it' attitude towards my sobriety. Lesson learned. Again.

 

[herbavore]

My brother lost a good twenty years of his life to coke and crack addiction and then beat it. It is a heroic struggle, that's for sure. All I can say is that it is important to go deeper and deeper into your own vulnerabilities while you are weaning yourself away from the drug in recovery. Otherwise, the substitution of a new addiction is just too easy to fall into. Life does not have to be a misery that is medicated away. Go back and back and back until you reach the time in early childhood when you were not made unhappy by your own thoughts and perceptions. You are still that person and life, on one level, is still that simple.

Keep urging your family to be in this together. Their support is dependent on their education about what addiction is. Your father probably feels it easier to feel anger than what he is truly facing, which is fear for his son's life.