Rock bottom? (IV heroin, IV cocaine, daily MMT)

[Phobicgadfly]

(C/P-ed bc i haven't received many replies in new member introductions and I could really use some support - now, tonight. Sorry if I broke the rules?)
I'm 25 now, been an addict since 15. Started IVing heroin when I was 17. Went to rehab twice last year, in April and June - relapsed within 24 hours after April's 21-day stint, came out in July '14 (after the full 30!) on the vivitrol shot (30 day extended release naloxone) but was shooting up BTH before it even wore off, in anticipation lol.
I'm now on MMT, have been for a couple months, but still have not been able to put together any clean time... yet.

Just this year started experiencing big consequences. Got kicked out of a living situation due to my addiction (my roommate found out I was shooting up) and lost the best job I've ever landed after 6 months. That happened one week ago, and I've been on a hard binge ever since, catatonic, not eating, mostly bed ridden and shooting hundreds of dollars a day of coke (cut with meth) and BTH. My arms are shredded, my skeleton is showing through my skin, I am at the end of the road.

I just... wish there was a way to experience that euphoric rush without having to do such bad, shameful things, and endure such earth shattering consequences. I have a hard time envisioning a future in which I patiently work toward goals and achieving happiness (the slow, building kind/whatever that is) after having known that instant spike from a big hit, first try, with, well... a spike. In a way, (I preface it that way because I'm not sure that I'd take it all back if I could) I wish I had never crossed that line, opened that pandoras box. Now, the jig is up, I have to step back over to the world of the living. Sometimes I go to sleep knowing this to be a solid undeniable truth, and then wake up as if that decision had never been made. Or I start my day passively committed, then as soon as I gain some momentum, or even do something like eat a meal, walk the dogs, pay a bill, -take a shit- - literally - my memory of the agony of addiction and determination to move forward is erased, and before I know it, I've withdrawn money that I don't even have and desperately can't afford to toss, and am parked in front of the dealer's house, giddy and impatient.
I must be a fool. Or insane? But no, the latter condition would absolve me of responsibility, and I know damn well what I'm doing. Which makes it worse, really. I'm broken, and will not take the steps towards fixing myself. I need help. I'm not capable of manning this ship any longer.

 

[RiseAgain]

You made the choice to open Pandora's box and now you need to make the choice to close it.

I'be been through a lot of similar stuff. The first step for me was when I made a final decision to close that box forever. I had to stop questiong and lying to myself. I realized I was faced with an ultimatum, I had two options, recovery or dependence. Only one of those options allows for hope. There's no other way, you can choose to crawl around in the pile of shit with drugs and hopelessness, or you can choose to give up the drugs and crawl through the shit with hope and try to find the light. It's time to make a choice.

 

[Runtoparadise]

Rock bottom can be such a cliche.

IME it's only when you're truly down & out that, as the above poster mentioned, you have to find your way.

Addict life is no fun & we can tire of it easily. Never again to feel the buzz we initially felt, but to continue to chase it as though we might.

What sort of dose of mmt are you on, is it not enough?

It's a tangled web for sure, but it sounds as though youre ready to move into the real world.

With support & determination you can achieve this. Please try. BL can be fantastic for talking to others in the same situation,- & there are many!

PM me anytime,

Rtp

 

[dognasher]

Hey there! I am here to support you. I know how awful the cycle can be. As you know from my other thread I am also a cocaine and heroin addict. On suboxone. You took a good step getting on MMT. All is not lost! PLEASE remember that. You are on the path to getting better - relapse is all part of it. I really can relate to you when you say you want to experience the rush without negative impact. Unfortunately, it takes our brains a while to rewire. Its part of the dysphoria that comes with addiction. I feel so much better than I did two weeks ago - just taking two weeks off the cocaine helped a lot. The problem is is that not only are you dealing with the mood stuff from the heroin addiction, you are also dealing with the crushing depression and fast half life of the cocaine, which leads us to such compulsive behavior. Don't give up yet. Maybe make a promise to yourself - try to take one week off the coke. Deal with the heroin after. IMO an IV cocaine addiction takes us down way faster than heroin alone. I know what it's like to be bedridden, shooting up every ten minutes, and covered in tracks. You can heal. We are here for you. I am here for you. I have felt your pain. I still feel it. Try to set small goals - one day without the coke, etc. If you want to go back to it, it will be there.

For me, the allure of "maybe this time it will be different" was the hardest thing to beat. I always promised myself things like "this time I'll just do one gram", or "this time I'll only shoot a little and then go in to work" or "just one last rush". It's NEVER as good as we think it will be. It always ends with us being a human pincushion, suffering horrible comedowns, beating ourselves to death with shame. It's a terrible cycle, but if you can just break it for a little while maybe you will see a huge difference.

For me, getting on subs helped with my overall compulsion. I know that doesn't happen for everybody. I was able to focus less on getting high and more on self care - exercising, eating better, and trying to repair what I can. My life is pretty much ruined too - I have a business that I have run into the ground, I have alienated everybody close to me, and my health is terrible. I am beyond broke. But I can start over. I can TRY.

Are there any support groups you can go to where at least people who are in the same boat as you are? I myself am not a twelve stepper - it's never worked for me. But I have been attending a women's addiction peer recovery group at my local hospital and it is nice to meet folks who have the same problem. It sounds like you are sort of alone in your use - much like I was. Cocaine can really isolate you. After a while, when you IV it, your social skills go out the window and you just become a paranoid hermit. Try to force yourself out into the world. it can help to know you aren't alone.

You are NOT alone. I am there too. My heart is with you. Please, please PM me if you need to. I will give you my email address if you want to talk. You can do it, if I can try and get myself out of the hole after shooting TWO GRAMS of coke a day, plus a gram of heroin, then you can do it too.

I know I didn't give you the best advice, but I hope this finds you and you see that you have people that care. I care. I don't know you but we share this awful bond of addiction. IV coke/heroin is about as serious as it gets. We will die if we can't find a way out. There really aren't any old IV cocaine users. Not even on bluelight. Look around, there really are only two kinds of IV coke addicts on BL - the ones who got sober or the ones who have OD'd a bunch and are in the depths of darkness. It's not something that people do partway.

Much love to you. I am thinking of you and sending loving vibes your way. Remember to forgive yourself. You don't deserve this life. You can have better - and you are so worth it. There is always a chance to turn it around as long as you have breath in your body.

 

[dognasher]

This. ME TOO. My dealers are my neighbors too. 8(
It's so easy to forget the pain once you finally get shit together. I have literally set an alarm on my phone for the times of day when I am most vulnerable, Its a short list that reminds me of what I have to lose. I also keep a list of my goals in my wallet. Stupid, I know. But it helps - EVERY time I go to take money out to buy dope, I see that list. I see what I wrote sober. I see how much I have to live for. Seriously, try little teeny tiny things to catch yourself when you are feeling weak. That shit SNEAKS up on you. I'll never forget when I took my kid to her first day of preschool...PROMISED myself I would not be high when I had to go pick her up. I got bored later that day and BOOM. Spend her tuition on an 8-ball. I will never forget the shame I felt that day. It was so awful. I felt like I wasn't even in control of my brain or body.

Give yourself a break and realize that the addiction has its claws in you - and it's not something you can beat by willpower alone. You HAVE to set up a safety net.

Oh and I was on Vivitrol too, and relasped! And I too have been to rehab twice - the whole 30 days. And relapsed. I also used BTH. Not easy on the veins when you are also shooting coke every five minutes. I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you. Please give it a go - give yourself a chance. The coke and the heroin will ALWAYS be waiting for you. But you may not get many more chances to turn it around. You can. If I can attempt it, you can. I know it.

 

[Phobicgadfly]

I have literally set an alarm on my phone for the times of day when I am most vulnerable, Its a short list that reminds me of what I have to lose. I also keep a list of my goals in my wallet. Stupid, I know. But it helps - EVERY time I go to take money out to buy dope, I see that list. I see what I wrote sober. I see how much I have to live for. Seriously, try little teeny tiny things to catch yourself when you are feeling weak.

That is amazing advice, not stupid at all. I've heard the sentiment in slightly different forms - list of reasons on index cards, in a binder, etc - it sounded like a nice concept but not really applicable to my life - it wouldn't be in my face when I needed it. A reminder on my phone is a great idea. Do you mind sharing the contents of yours with me, in a PM perhaps?

I wish I could reach through the screen and hug you.

I sure could use it. "Lord" knows.

Please give it a go - give yourself a chance. The coke and the heroin will ALWAYS be waiting for you

In moments of clarity I've told myself this, thinking it was full proof and sure to work - what is there to lose? Just wait 24, 12, even 2 hours, & if you still want it, get it! Why not try? It's so rational. But addiction is not, rational. I didn't argue with that idea, I just silenced it, pushed it out of my way (like we addicts do with most anything) and continued on my course of self annihilation. My addiction had no valid counter points, and yet. When you can't argue a point, just refuse to acknowledge it! Yup!

But you may not get many more chances to turn it around. You can. If I can attempt it, you can. I know it.

Dognasher I REALLY appreciate your advise and engagement and support and am extremely grateful to have found you here - honestly I have exchanged more words and honesty with you these past couple days than anyone else in the world, so please don't consider this as an attempt to discount your sentiment, I simply want to share the thought that came to mind upon reading that: the kid I knew in rehab that is now passed on, (Ithan for the sake of reference) said that exact sentiment to me. And now he's dead.

 

[Phobicgadfly]

What sort of dose of mmt are you on, is it not enough?

80 mg. I don't know what "enough" means. No trace of wd at this dose, but the craving is present, and the addictions impact has gotten MUCH worse in fact. For a week or two I raised to 90, at the urging by several staff at the clinic, advising that once I'm Addy a therapeutic dose I won't experience any desire to use - that dose made me extremely drowsy, to the point where I "nodded off" a couple times at work, which was a factor that led to my performance review and subsequent termination. Needless to say, I immediately had them drop me back to 80, but by then the damage was done.

 

[Runtoparadise]

Sorry to hear a raise in mmt dose impacted you so negatively. Have you tried suboxone?

Who's to determine what "enough" of a dose is. Though, ideally, it'd be enough to hold you & keep cravings at bay. Not nodding so much...

Have you gone to a twelve step meeting or counselling? Where are you living if not where you formerly did? I'm sure there's 24hr helplines internationally, that can assist you in temporary housing/support if you need it.

BL is a fantastic community for opiate users/abusers to share with, but please know when/if you require outside intervention.

Sorry I can't find words to soothe the soul atm, but you have to keep in mind that each minute that goes by,-you have a choice.

You make a gazillion decisions each & every day, & just maybe, deciding not to use, ( even for a few hours), will lead to a better life for you man.

This euphoria you speak of, without the needle is atm unimaginable. It can be achieved though. So many have! If it was unattainable many before you would not have had such successful outcomes. Please remember that.

Sounds as though you have god on your side, feel blessed man.

PM me anytime

Rtp

 

[dognasher]

Hey Phobic!

I understand how canned it is to say "if I can do it, so can you!". Especially if your friend in rehab died. Everyone's different, right? But for as many stories are there are of death, there are also so many stories of hope. I know hope sounds so silly right now, but do hold on to it. Know that there can be a better day ahead for you. There will be bad days too, but you will know joy again.

As far as the MMT is concerned, I don't know much about it. I was too scared to try it and my Medicaid paid for Suboxone, so I went with that. Is that an option for you? I have heard that Suboxone sometimes works a little better than Methadone in the sense that it's not a full agonist, but some people still have cravings on it. Frankly, by the time I went on Subs I was so fucking desperate. Like I wanted to be sober so bad. I couldn't take another coke run. I couldn't even hide it from anybody, I didn't fucking care. I was about to lose my fiance and probably custody of my daughter if I didn't stop. And it was getting so freaky - like with my first coke shot I went from sober to instantly paranoid out of my mind, and I was prepping one shot right after another, blood running down my arms and legs and neck. It was really, really scary. And then the heroin on top of it - last time I did both together I projectile vomited, turned gray, was sweating, and just lying on the floor saying "please, please" to nobody in particular. I was so scared I was going to die. For SOME weird reason that was the moment where I knew that I was real close to dying soon. I firmly believe if I ever shoot up again I'll be dead in a month. I've OD'd three times and landed in the hospital, and I just don't think I have another OD left in me.

I digress. But what I am saying is I wasn't ready till I was ready. And there's nothing I or anybody else can say to you that will make a lick of difference until you are ready, and it sounds like you are almost there. The rush is so hard to give up, and I don't have any helpful words for that part of it. If I knew the answer I would be a millionaire!

Point is, is there something you have that makes you want to live? Doesn't have to be a person.

As far as my alarms go - I have one for when I wake up (when I would call my dealer, always) and it says "Think of *******". Think of your daughter. (the ***** is my fiance's name). Then it says "You WILL lose them if you don't stop." And I will. That much has been made crystal clear to me. My fiancee will leave me, my parents will call social services, I'll lose my only child, and be penniless and alone.

The next one I have is around 11:30. That's when I usually get hungry. I've been known to break and call my dealer after I have dealt with the morning craziness of getting my kid to school, opening my shop, paying bills (or not paying them, as of late. 8)). This alarm says "You're just hungry, dumb bitch! Eat something!" Ha! It's so lame, I know! But it snaps me back to reality.

The third alarm I have is at 3:30. Again, I am usually hungry. Usually tired. Usually bored. But mostly LONELY because I work at my store all by myself and I am a social person so being alone is hard, and tempting. This one says "Remember all that you've built. Remember those who love you. Stop and think."

The last alarm (yes there are four.) is right before I usually go to bed, set for 11pm. It says "Remember to be grateful. Remember the comedowns. Remember how good it feels right now to be sober." This helps me because the comedowns from coke late at night are so bad. I always forget that. And also heroin made me not grateful for anything, ever. Just numb. So taking a moment before I go to bed to have a little gratitude and end the day on a positive note helps me to affirm that I am doing good work by being sober.


I KNOW that is so dorky. But they help. I have an iphone so I can type in sort of long messages. I don't know how other phones roll. But if nothing else they make me pause for one second before I call the dealer. And since they are on my phone I have to look at them to turn the alarm off and I usually am introspective enough after reading the message that I hold off on calling the dealer for just a few hours, until the next alarm sounds off.

Try it! You've got nothing to lose. If it doesn't work it doesn't work.

 

[dognasher]

One quick thing I wanted to add is that a polydrug addiction like coke and heroin is really confusing to navigate. Endure the heroin withdrawal? Endure the coke comedown without heroin? Nod out on the heroin without coke? So insidious. I would really try to find a group or a counselor who focuses on polydrug addictions. Coke/Smack is a pretty common one, and a ton of heroin addicts I have come across are addicted to crack as well so hopefully there is something in your area that addresses that. It can be super lonely because its like, you would almost be grateful to just have one addiction, right? So fucked up. But feel around and see if there is anybody you can talk to who specializes in this.

 

[Phobicgadfly]

The staff at methadone clinic are so frickin clueless. Last (mandated bi-monthly) appt I had with my counselor, I asked her if there were any outpatient groups in the area that would accept someone who was in medication assisted recovery. She stared at me blankly, and said "for what?" (...addiction.) "oh, no. We have inpatient, detox, and methadone. What else is there?"
I summoned my tolerance and explained to her that even if that were true within this particular hospitals network, I was referring to the geographical area. Still, nothing. Guess I'll have to research on my own.
I think I'll try PMing you again to address everything I want to say, or at least type from somewhere other than my phone. But a couple questions - did you lose weight? (How did you regain it and how long did it take?) Get lumps/bruises? How did you deal with that in relation to your fiancé and daughter? My long time bf is visiting from Colorado this weekend where he's been working for a couple months now, and I feel I've probably changed so drastically that I don't want him to see me like this. Especially naked. That he'll feel too much pity or disgust to be attracted to me. Maybe it's a silly reservation, but. That's what's on my mind.

 

[dognasher]

Hi Phobic! Where in Colorado is your bf working? I live in Denver! Please PM with anything at all, I am happy to talk with you. I will also PM you my email because the inboxes here get clogged up after only a few messages.

Finding outpatient help is so frustrating! Ugh. It's like one big ass merry go round with a bunch of disgruntled trolls working the ride.

I did not lose weight during active addiction, rather, I GAINED weight because I never exercised and ate like shit. Now though I have lost like six pounds in two and a half weeks because I have been running every day! So that's awesome. I am of average height and weight, but I certainly was not in a position where I needed to gain weight.

Lumps and bumps - yes. I was lucky enough never to get an abscess...I don't know how, but I escaped that fate. I do have bad track marks on my forearms, crooks, feet, and hands. The ones on my hands are permanent, I think. I would bruise up pretty bad after a night of shooting coke - my feet would be black and blue, my thighs...I wish I had a picture for you of the time I ended up hooked up to a bunch of tubes in the ER overnight because I shot almost an eighth of coke in, like, a day. 8( My legs were covered in bruises, and they lasted for weeks. In the middle of summer. My forearms would be so swollen and bruised after a coke binge, and my hands would really hurt. At the end of a binge, I would just be like randomly stabbing myself everywhere, desperate to find a vein.

I don't think heroin fucked up my veins as bad as coke - my veins are sorta hard to find anyway so I did not do myself any favors by starting up with this crap. But with heroin I was pretty ok with switching up ROAs - I went from plugging to shooting to smoking and back around again. With cocaine, once I got hooked on the needle I was never going back! I will never be able to just snort cocaine again.

I DIGRESS. I felt like my fiancee never really noticed a lot of stuff I swore he would - like I would have sex with him and be all worried about my arms and feet and stuff and he never said anything. Once the jig was up and he knew, he would check me out more but still I felt like he didn't notice a lot of stuff.

MAC Pro Longwear Concealer is your best friend, dude! Use what money you have left to invest in some of that. It's waterproof, and wears for 15 hours. I have used it many times to cover up the evidence.

Will it be easier for you to stay clean if your boyfriend is back? Do you feel like maybe the last couple months have been way out of control because he has been gone? I know when my dude would go out of town it was like an all night drug party with myself.

 

[Phobicgadfly]

Dognasher -

Please pm your email address. Guess you weren't kidding about the bl inboxes getting clogged - I got a notice saying mime was full, and even after I deleted one the attempted message never came. So if you've sent anything today or maybe even yesterday, I haven't received it. I did send you my email address and cell number tho.

 

[gypsiejunkie]

I really relate to this...the motivation going as quickly as it came, just like the rush. I was laying in bed last night freaking out knowing without a doubt in my mind that I HAVE to stop and the first thing I dId this morning was go straight to the bathroom and shoot up. The first text I sent was to my dealer. Shit man, I had my dealer come to my work...the job I have been wanting my entire life fell into my lap and I'm fucking it up! My point is....you are not alone and even if this response doesn't help you at all, it's nice to get a response from someone...anyone.

 

[namnoc16]

Man this thread breaks my heart. I could've written this myself and had to convince myself I didn't. You are in the spot I was in ore than once. It's amazing when you are 25 you think you've experienced a lot but you haven't seen shit yet.
My mother god bless her heart passed away about 18 months ago from alzheimers and even though the last few years of her sickness I had been in recovery(I'm on PM and smoke weed but my wife keeps my meds locked uo,guess I can't ever be trusted with narcotics again) in the begining I did shit so low as to forge her name on her checks lose electricity,heating in her house(while she was living there) and shoot drugs in front of her because my junky rational was she wouldn't know better.
I always delayed y recovery because I'd put a time limit on my using and the main one was by the time Im 30 I'll grow up and stop partying.Well that came and went,turns out there is no magic age where we get filled with knowledge and have an epiphany and suddenly quit.Always told myself my mother would see me sober and know that line was crossed because by the time I had my shit together she no longer knew who I was(Im fucking crying typing this)Anyway the rest of my family had to put he in a nursing home because I was incapable of taking care of her in the way she did for me for so many years.
But I did at the age of 33 see the light.It took me doing prison time and slipping and sliding before I got it straight and met my wife and her son(which is my son) that was less then a year old and we had another. Life hasn't been a bed of roses but I have meaning in my life and instant gratification is great but as always the most gratifying things are the ones you have to work for,they aren't as fleeting.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I feel your pain and ant to tell you that you need not live in the past(and let your past mistakes beat you daily) get your shit together it's not to late. It will be to late if yu keep thinking you have exponential amount of time.It's amazing when you think you are unworthy of a decent life and you've burnt all you bridges that the next great opportunity comes from out of nowhere.
I don't know you but my heart pours out to you dude and can't tell you how happy I will be to celebrate my 41st birthday this month when I never thought or wanted to make it past 30.There is a good chance for happiness for you to you just need to commit and be willing to fight incredibly hard(it aint easy but it's worth it) for your life!

 

[Phobicgadfly]

My legs were covered in bruises, and they lasted for weeks. In the middle of summer. My forearms would be so swollen and bruised after a coke binge, and my hands would really hurt.

how did you cover your arms/hands? Long pants on a hot day are bad enough, (is that how you covered the bruises on your legs btw?) but a long-sleeve shirt - especially with my propensity to sweat at the drop of a hat, in large volumes, mostly from my face and armpits - is just hellish hear, nearly out of the question. It's caused me to stay in my house all day until darkness falls rather than risk going out having to be wrapped up and concealed like a mummy. Not to mention it's 90-100 degrees this week, and through much of the summer and beginning of fall. What are the temperatures like in Denver?

 

[Phobicgadfly]

Sorry to hear a raise in mmt dose impacted you so negatively. Have you tried suboxone?

I have tried suboxone, on several occasions. It even kept me clean (well, only taking prescribed medications, AS prescribed) for almost a two-year period, once. Unfortunately that doctor was supposedly over-prescribing to patients or over the state limit on allowed suboxone patients or something. All I know is, I went in one day for my monthly appointment and the waiting room was full of DEA agents in uniform, demanding that I leave. Subsequently couldn't get a hold of that doctor - even for my medical records so I could transfer - for over a month, at which time a letter came in the mail, vaguely stating that the doctor would no longer be practicing. No instructions on how to obtain records, no contact info other than the mailing address. He was my prescribing doctor for not only suboxone, but also a fairly high daily dose of xanax (which it is NOT safe to abruptly discontinue,) daily adderall (I did what I could in terms of a self-taper with what I had left, but it was only a tiny bit, so steep taper, and when I ran out I definitely felt the WDs - as if I had been hit by a truck, extreme fatigue severely impacted my ability to wake up in the morning or be productive. Also an antidepressant (cymbalta, I believe? Which I also experienced withdrawal from) and ambien. With no proof that any of these had actually been RXed to me, in the absence of a hardcopy of my medical records, I was left blowing in the wind, and had to hack it alone. That's when I started using heroin again. The rest is history.

So I guess my point is, suboxone has worked for me in the past, (there have also been periods where I kept it on hand and only took it to avoid being sick if I was out of cash or for some other reason couldn't access dope - which I wouldn't call an "effective tool for recovery" by any stretch of the imagination) but the experience led me to be distrustful of medical professionals, (he's not the only crooked "addiction specialist" I've come into contact with, one of the straighter ones in fact) and realize that they're just as bad as street dealers - more organized, civilized, and possibly cheaper (if you have good medical insurance, which I did at the time) but in the end, they're selfish, self-serving, flaky, and will hang you out to dry if you don't bend over backwards to fit into what they deem as appropriate behavior. As if they're the golden standard themselves, pfft.
That doctor died a couple months later. Cause of death is unknown to me, but I have my suspicions.

Have you gone to a twelve step meeting or counselling? Where are you living if not where you formerly did? I'm sure there's 24hr helplines internationally, that can assist you in temporary housing/support if you need it.

Currently I live in an apartment by myself, with my two dogs. I just signed the (12 month) lease 2-3 months ago, when I had a full-time job that paid me enough (albeit barely) to be able to afford the monthly rent, and other necessities of daily life. I lost that job 2-3 weeks ago. Still have 9 more months on my lease here, and at this very moment, less than $50 to my name, which has to last me until the beginning of next month.

If it weren't for the lease contract and my two dogs, I'd be looking into SLE's or THU's, not only because they have measures to enforce sobriety but also it would save me $1,000/mo in rent alone. That's what I wanted to do when I left rehab last year, but couldn't make it all line up perfectly at the perfect time. I know it sounds petty compared to a life-or-death addiction, but I'm simply not willing to give up my dogs. Who knows if it would even be a good environment for me, maybe I wouldn't be able to stand it - then I'd end up moving out after a month or 2, in the same spot that I was in the first place, except with the added guilt and regret of surrendering my dogs (my unconditional supporters.) Nope. The pros are there, but the cons are unacceptable, there's got to be other options.

In addition to having nothing but spare change to my name, I'm also almost $10,000 in debt. (Not quite there, but getting there at an alarming rate.) Even if I didn't have this insanely expensive, consuming drug addiction, I would have had to pull some tricks out of my sleeve and pinch pennies like crazy to survive on that amount, probably would end up taking some temporary loans. I'd also be completely dedicated to searching for a new job. But with the addiction, even if I cut back by 3/4ths, I can only imagine I'll end up taking cash-advances and ruining my credit, stealing, deceiving, and doing other types of shady shit in order to keep the chemicals incoming on a day-to-day basis. Between the hustle for money, waiting for the dealer, and sitting in the bathroom hunched over for 4-10 hours stabbing my arms and legs and neck with insulin needles, I have not taken a single step toward touching up my resume or finding a new job.

And honestly, that's been a big hurdle for me every time I try to quit - empty days with nothing of consequence to fill them with. The empty hours coupled with the deeply carved habits are a toxic mix - I end up sitting in front of the dealer's house with either cash or drugs in my hand, without even having given it one thought in all the time and actions it took to get me there. How can I stop myself from going through with something when I don't even notice that the ball has started rolling until after the deed is done.

Losing this last job (at a veterinary hospital, best job I've ever had) really hit me hard - I was damn near suicidal for the first week, could not see a future for myself. That's abating in waves, but I'm still deep in the self pity and denial. It's at the point actually where if I took a couple days to recoup, eating drinking sleeping exercising, I'd be physically and mentally prepared to move forward. But like I mentioned, the vast abyss of time spread out before me is terrifying, with little knowledge of what I must do to move forward, or even WHERE I want to move forward to, combined with this extreme self-loathing and -pity, I have trouble seeing it work out well.

JEEZ MY GOD sorry for the ramble you don't have to read it all. Just wanted to let you know I saw your reply the day you made it, extremely appreciated it, and have been composing this reply, didn't want you to think I overlooked or ignored it. Thank you for your input.

 

[dognasher]

how did you cover your arms/hands? Long pants on a hot day are bad enough, (is that how you covered the bruises on your legs btw?) but a long-sleeve shirt - especially with my propensity to sweat at the drop of a hat, in large volumes, mostly from my face and armpits - is just hellish hear, nearly out of the question. It's caused me to stay in my house all day until darkness falls rather than risk going out having to be wrapped up and concealed like a mummy. Not to mention it's 90-100 degrees this week, and through much of the summer and beginning of fall. What are the temperatures like in Denver?

I used a LOT of that MAC cover up I told you about, I wore cardigans, and I just said "fuck it". If people noticed they never said anything and honestly the cover up did a decent job. I guess I figured most people don't know what track marks look like and I am the last person people would assume such a thing about. Who knows, maybe I am the gossip of the town now?

Denver is REAL hot in summer. Usually always 80s-90s. But I spend most of my time indoors at my store where there is AC so I just wore a sweater or hoodie.

But when things were really bad, I stayed home in bed. I was a bad binger, so I would go on a jag with coke for 2-3 days, spend the next two days in bed, and then a week later just as I was healed I would do it again.

Heroin I rotated ROAs so I never really had bad tracks from that at all.

I also got really good at shooting in that big vein that runs up the inside of your ankle and I also forgot to mention that I have tattoos covering both arms and most of my legs too so on most parts of my arms you couldn't really see them. My hands were the worst.

 

[dognasher]

Hey Phobic, I read your last post and I would seriously consider going back on subs. It really helped me with the endless cravings and the feeling like life without drugs is meaningless and boring. As I said before, my job is isolating and the money is paltry, which is a big reason why I would fill my days with drug binges. I think if you focus the empty time on finding a doctor (although I agree, most of them are fucking quacks, but what are you gonna do?) and working on your resume that may help. Only after you've taken a little break to get healthy.


I totally understand about giving up the dogs. I would never give up my pets for an unknown living situation.

Do you have family or a support system to help you with all this, my friend? It sounds like you are really fighting this battle all alone, and I know how hopeless that can be. If you have anybody you can come clean too and talk to about this, it may help you be accountable and not as hopeless. I feel like the isolation of addiction can really feed the monster.

I am gonna email you today when I get a second to breathe - it's been a busy week.

This shit is so hard, man. I had dreams of shooting up last night. And I woke up half in a panic because I thought I relapsed and half nearly crying with relief after realizing I was still clean. I don't know if it will ever go away. It's like we made a pact with the devil, and we've eaten from the tree of knowledge. Now that we know that instant, glorious rush exists, it's hard to fathom an existence where rewards come slowly and with hard work. Exercise has helped me a lot with that craving for a rush, but that's useless to you now. I hate when people tell us raging addicts to just "go for a run". As if this is possible with your arms bleeding when you can barely walk up the steps without losing your breath.

I wish I had better answers. I am struggling myself. I do have to say though that I am starting to enjoy the boring life and I can finally see how that rush cost me nearly everything that I hold dear in my life. It just isn't worth it. You know that. I know you do. It doesn't make it any easier, though.

My heart is with you, dear. I wish there was something I could do to help. I know it's just so very soul crushing.

 

[mandraxx]

Look at it this way - you're 25. You're still young. You can put through years of clean time and still be young enough to do whatever the hell you want. And isn't that what you really want? You mention the euphoric rush - there are many other ways to get there. It may sound like bullshit now but you've got to look at your options.

My heart is with you. Sorry to hear your methadone clinic sucks. Is there another one? For me, MMT made all the difference. I found a really good counselor there who saved me. Someone who will keep you honest without keeping tabs on you all the time because that is someone who will help you when you really need it.

Good luck with everything. Regards,

mandraxx