FRIEDbrain,100% tolerance to all gabaergics/sleep aids, thinking of killing myself

[tomindetroit]

i was scripted 6mg lunesta and 1mg clonazepam for bedtime for 6 years for severe chronic insomnia and it worked great. then 3 years i did something very stupid. i started to abuse the pills, sometimes taking as much as 60 x 3mg lunesta at a time and 180mg clonazepam at a time. i started buying benzos on the street, in very high doses, a few times i even consumed an entire 120x30mg temazepam at once, but mainly i abused clonazepam. i did this for 3 months.

after a few months i stopped abusing them on this leve.. i was not doing this every day, so amazingly there were no seizures however i could not sleep. however my sleep aids were now innefective. i started buying other drugs, in addition to the lunesta and clonazepam, namely:
ambien 10mg, usually i took a few at a time but had some blackouts where i consumed the whole pack at once at up to 600mg
baclofen 10mg pills, started at 6 pills and reached 180mg
lyrica 300mg pills, usually a few at a time but up to 30x300mg pills
clonidine, started at 0.1-1.


That phase lasted 9 months. Then, I stopped abusing the above because i started shooting hydromorphone for sleep, up to 24mg a a time, this phase lasted 1.5 years.

then, i quit all the dope and all the above, and had a friend dispsense 30mg temazepam and 600mg lyrica at night. believe it or not this worked. the one thing i conintued to abuse however was ambien. i would just have those blackouts and consume sometimes the entire 600mg ambien at a time unintentionally. i also took seroquel, thresshold dose 300mg but took up to 1.2 grams and at any dose it does NOT put me out.finally last month, i smartened up after 3 years of cns depressant abuse. i was afraid that if i continued to take the ambien, the temazepam would stop working all together so i discontinued the ambien.

hoever, this did not prove to be enough my tolerance to lyrica and temazepam has continued to rise ON ITS OWN without consuming any other gabaergigcs, to the point where all they do is able me to close my eyes without generating a headache. a few nights ago i tried taking a lunesta, but i worry that even if i have the pills doled out to me they will continue to rise on its own just like temazepam and lyrica

this may sound like a troll post but i assure you it is not. i took lunesta 6mg a few nights ago and i did feel something, helll if even put me to sleep for 2 hours, but if i take it on a regular basis even having my friend dole it out i assume the tolerance will continue to rise on its own by some mechanism.

Please help me, im thinking of killing myself, and i cannot i cannot afford to be a junky.will methadone help ? im thinking it may at least allow me to close my eyes in peace.

i am a 28 year old male and i cannot live the rest of my life without sleep. many of the above decisions i made at a time i did not value my life, now im in a great relationship and very loved and foir once i want my life, but i cant live like this. if i stopped everything, would i ever start sleeping again with a brain as damaged as this?

dont say go to a dr and be honest, that is not an option. ill never get prescribed anything ever again (even though i can have the meds doled out either by pharmacist or by girlfriend). i have an awesome dr who has been great with me despite my addictions issues, not only will he freak if he hears about this, ill never have another dr or ever be prescribed anythihg again given whats already on my file,. and what will be added on to it.

 

[Tikhil]

Go to a Cognitive Behavioral therapist, rather then an MD.

 

[pbuilder]

i was scripted 6mg lunesta and 1mg clonazepam for bedtime for 6 years for severe chronic insomnia and it worked great. then 3 years i did something very stupid. i started to abuse the pills, sometimes taking as much as 60 x 3mg lunesta at a time and 180mg clonazepam at a time. i started buying benzos on the street, in very high doses, a few times i even consumed an entire 120x30mg temazepam at once, but mainly i abused clonazepam. i did this for 3 months.

after a few months i stopped abusing them on this leve.. i was not doing this every day, so amazingly there were no seizures however i could not sleep. however my sleep aids were now innefective. i started buying other drugs, in addition to the lunesta and clonazepam, namely:
ambien 10mg, usually i took a few at a time but had some blackouts where i consumed the whole pack at once at up to 600mg
baclofen 10mg pills, started at 6 pills and reached 180mg
lyrica 300mg pills, usually a few at a time but up to 30x300mg pills
clonidine, started at 0.1-1.


That phase lasted 9 months. Then, I stopped abusing the above because i started shooting hydromorphone for sleep, up to 24mg a a time, this phase lasted 1.5 years.

then, i quit all the dope and all the above, and had a friend dispsense 30mg temazepam and 600mg lyrica at night. believe it or not this worked. the one thing i conintued to abuse however was ambien. i would just have those blackouts and consume sometimes the entire 600mg ambien at a time unintentionally. i also took seroquel, thresshold dose 300mg but took up to 1200 grams and at any dose it does NOT put me out.finally last month, i smartened up after 3 years of cns depressant abuse. i was afraid that if i continued to take the ambien, the temazepam would stop working all together so i discontinued the ambien.

hoever, this did not prove to be enough my tolerance to lyrica and temazepam has continued to rise ON ITS OWN without consuming any other gabaergigcs, to the point where all they do is able me to close my eyes without generating a headache. a few nights ago i tried taking a lunesta, but i worry that even if i have the pills doled out to me they will continue to rise on its own just like temazepam and lyrica

this may sound like a troll post but i assure you it is not. i took lunesta 6mg a few nights ago and i did feel something, helll if even put me to sleep for 2 hours, but if i take it on a regular basis even having my friend dole it out i assume the tolerance will continue to rise on its own by some mechanism.

Please help me, im thinking of killing myself, and i cannot i cannot afford to be a junky.will methadone help ? im thinking it may at least allow me to close my eyes in peace.

i am a 28 year old male and i cannot live the rest of my life without sleep. many of the above decisions i made at a time i did not value my life, now im in a great relationship and very loved and foir once i want my life, but i cant live like this. if i stopped everything, would i ever start sleeping again with a brain as damaged as this?

dont say go to a dr and be honest, that is not an option. ill never get prescribed anything ever again (even though i can have the meds doled out either by pharmacist or by girlfriend). i have an awesome dr who has been great with me despite my addictions issues, not only will he freak if he hears about this, ill never have another dr or ever be prescribed anythihg again given whats already on my file,. and what will be added on to it.

You are thinking like an addict still, why can't you tell your doctor?

So in the future you won't be able to be prescribed abusable things that you will abuse?

Seems counter-productive.

I'm not sure what to say about that level of abuse, apart from that you need to be on a slow controlled benzo taper to get off your dependence.

And you need too seek a psychiatrist and as the other person said, behavioral cognitive therapy.

 

[Choose Life]

I was taking 20mg a day of Xanax and after 4 years did nothing for me
I tapered and quit. Your going to be fine a psychiatrist is definitely in order because it sounds compulsive. If your mentally strong enough to have access to benzos try switching among the family valium,xan,librium, etc. At those doses you could easily pass from poly drug intoxication. Phenibut is also helpful.

 

[Mad Dash]

Hey main NO JOKE, you need to get to an emergency detox center right away. You made the right choice in understanding that you can not continue this way but now you need to understand that you are done. Detox then rehab, then maybe you can consider some kind of maintenance program. Please don't kill yourself over this. It can be fixed, you don't want to die for something that is temporary and put the people that care about you through that. I have thought about and tried it myself. PTSD and addiction don't go hand in hand, but I am learning ways to deal with it. You need to get help, please go NOW and go get help!

 

[Nuli]

Be careful staying on Lyrica too long. I was taking it daily after getting off H, for two months @ around 600-1200mg. Stopped cold turkey not knowing that Lyrica can cause dependence. Well, after 24 hours of not dosing I starting feeling insanely sick - cold sweats, shakes, crazy anxiety, running nose. I legit thought I had caught the flu or something. I researched online and found some of the other horror stories about CT'ing Lyrica, which described all the same symptoms I had. I have been through benzo and opiate WD, and the Lyrica was like a combination of both, with maybe the only exception not having muscle aches. The worst part of it is, it's not over in a week or two like opiates, nope, I didn't start feeling ANY relief until the 5th week. And that was even with using 1mg clonzolam daily after the first week because my insomnia and anxiety was so bad. It was either get on the benzo or check myself into detox. Lyrica was by far the hardest drug for me to come of.

My advice would be to stay on opiates while you're tapering anything GABA related and get off the Lyrica as soon as possible.

 

[Keif' Richards]

A detoxification program is the only safe way to get over such a staggering dependence. These dosages are huge, but I'm sure that you're not the first person to reach such levels. These days, medication is doled out based upon your vital statistics as recorded by physicians and medical personnel, so regardless of how bad you're dependence is, they will medicate you to the point of stability. Suicide is no joke, but I think a lot of us have given suicide serious consideration when in the depths of addiction and withdrawal - hell, I've even tried it once, leaving me with extremely overt scars on both of my forearms that everyone inevitably notices. It will not be an easy process returning to relative sobriety, but if you have solid, motivating factors in your life, especially people who care, it can be done.

In regards to not wanting to inform MD's about your addiction issues, you are past the point of making that decision for yourself. I try not to speak objectively about other people's situations, but if you're self-reported dosing schemes are indeed what you say they are, you would more than likely expire from going cold turkey. Yes, no one in their right mind will ever prescribe you abuse-prone medications again, but you clearly can't handle them anyway; neither can I. You should go and get yourself detoxed as soon as possible. Any hospital is required by medical ethics and the law to do all in their power to keep you alive, regardless of whether you have insurance or money.

Good luck to you, you'll find as much support as can be had from an online community on Bluelight, but we are just that: support.

 

[blue comet]

Well, first of all, definitely DO NOT kill yourself!

I've been in a similar situation with ambien and valium; this is temporary and things get better.

Just for clarification, you were taking 180mg of clonazepam?

Anyway, I agree with the above post that cautions against lyrica. I took its sister drug, gabapentin, and it made my situation 1000x worse!

Recommendation; do a librium taper. I would do your research but figure out what your lowest klonopin limit is without withdrawals and convert that to librium. So, if the lowest you can take is 60mg klonopin, then you would need 3000mg librium. Once you figure that out, plan your librium taper for how long or as short as you want. Can be short as a month or as long as several months.

Either way, this is just some brainstorming. Do you research.

 

[legaluser]

DO NOT DO ANYTHING IRRATIONAL!

start taking 5-htp and quit drug use all together, unless you need to taper then taper than use 5-htp, as well as omega 3 tuna oil and vitamins and exercise/stretching.

 

[deos68]

get to a detox center for what it is they have a confidentiality agreement meaning no one has to know anything about anything
they will help you
no need to kill yourself man
people have gone through worse situations and there is always someone there to help not sure if you are in the states but plenty of number you can call and talk about whats going on
hope you get the help you need brother we are all in this together

 

[legaluser]

get to a detox center for what it is they have a confidentiality agreement meaning no one has to know anything about anything
they will help you
no need to kill yourself man
people have gone through worse situations and there is always someone there to help not sure if you are in the states but plenty of number you can call and talk about whats going on
hope you get the help you need brother we are all in this together

what he said as well there are recovery centers that will help you get in touch with them if you can afford it.

 

[Mad Dash]

what he said as well there are recovery centers that will help you get in touch with them if you can afford it.

In many cases there is state money that can be used to put you through rehab without you having to pay a dime. Do a little research. OP are you still with us? Please give us an update.

 

[JahSEEuS]

Please, take the advice of those above and realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You have much to offer this world, and all of us will benefit from your presence here in this place. You will get through this.

 

[tomindetroit]

TLDR - Thanks everyone for the replies. i just want to clarify that ive been sober for the last 1.5 years (minus ambien blackout binges once a month), though i have been taking 600mg lyrica and 30mg temazepam a night, strictly dispensed by girlfriend nightly. i just freaked last month however, when my tolerance to lyrica/temazepam started raising on its own and now im basically immune to everything out there. out of panic just i asked for methadone 30mg and got it, which at least for now is letting me close my eyes in peace (i took a tylenol with codeine to fool the screen) - i know the sleep/anxiety benefits of methadone will go away, but one good thing about it is that the pain killing effects will help with the pain that comes from sleep deprivation. im trying to decide between killing myself, or staying alive long enough to see if something new can be invented that can either medicate my problem or fix it with some type of neurosurgery. right now it looks as though this is going to be suicide. but im going to stay alive for at least a few months to make some final preparations. id love to see a dr and see what kinda damage has been done, but i cant because no dr will ever prescribe me anything ever again, and that'll put me in even more serious shit because then ill have to live a completely med-free life, which at this point, it is possible that my brain is too damaged to ever regain any reasonable level of sleep length&quality.

FULL VERSION
thanks, what i want to know is whether it is possible for gaba and the rest of the brain that controls sleep to recover from this level of abuse and start sleeping without meds, to some reasonable level of quality. i have not had natural sleep in almost 10 years now. if i close my eyes and try to relax without meds all that happens is i get a headache and severe anxiety.

even though im clean of opiods, i just asked for 30mg methadone and got it prescribed by taking one tylenol with codeine today to fool the drug screen. it got me buzzed for about an hour, now 4 hours later i feel relaxation but i can at least close my eyes comfortably. does anyone know if this effect will persist (being able to close my eyes), if not abused? im scared to stay on it though, because opioids are my last refuge for anxiety/sleep that does not damage my gaba. i also understand that methadones psychological effects go away very soon, but that methadones PAIN effects are long lasting, and this will at least remove the pain from my body when undergoing sleep deprivation. i am not seeking to combine huge amounts gabaeric drugs to get high - i quit this 1.5 years ago and was getting by on 30mg temazepam and 600mg lyrica doled out by my girlfriend for sleep, however about a month ago the tolerance started to go up on its own and im SCARED. i will admit that about ONCE a month however, i was taking up to 600mg ambien at a time - the rest of the time i was 100% sober though.

someone asked why i would not tell my dr and that not asking for fear of never getting prescribed anything again, and that this is still thinking like an addict. i disagree, because in my case if im never prescribed anything i may never sleep to any reasonable quality/length. my brain is probably sufficiently damaged that i need pharmacological intervention, even if the pharmacy has to dispense it i dont care. i can understand any dr not wanting to prescribe anything to someone like me if they hear this history. my dr has been great, with me through thick and thin of my opioid and coke addictions. though im originally from the USA, i now live in a country where finding another dr is not easy and someone like me would probably never get one. id love to see a dr and see what damage has been done to my brain, but its not an option though. CBT may help but it doesnt reverse brain damage. so seeing as though brain scans are not an option, if any of you have any news, good or bad, as to what kind of damage this may have done to my brain, please pass it on.

ive already been to rehab 3 times, twice for cocaine and once for opiods. ive been to detox, that wont help being in an uncomfortable bed with noisy sick people. last time i was in rehab, it drove me nuts not being able to sleep and i got nothing out of it.

well thanks for the help everyone, but this is looking like...suicide. the levels of anxiety and insomnia i now have are unbearable and my life is over. in some cases suicide is a permanent solution to a permanent problem. the methadone may help, if that doesnt work i have few options.maybe if i stay alive long enough something new could be invented that will help me sleep, or perhaps some type of brain surgery if we ever become that advance in terms of neuroscience, you never know. have a few final preparations to make...

let me tell you that in 5 years as an addict and 17 years of drug use, i have done just about everything out there. but abusing gaba drugs, drugs that i needed out of legit insomnia, was the dumbest thing i ever did. im a grown man in tears now. :*(

 

[Mad Dash]

Ambien pills is a possible distinguished professionally prescribed prescription for the treatment of sleeping disorders. As I used to buy Ambien online I have an idea about this. You need to get out of this issue.

huh?

 

[SmokingAces]

Healthy food and exercise are your friend here.

 

[tomindetroit]

i just edited my second post and added a TLDR, for clarity and brevity. thank you to everyone who read and who will read.

Healthy food and exercise are your friend here.

does healthy food and exercise help heal the gabaergic system? as soon as i get another a little more money im going back into exercise. if nothing else itll at least help with sleep and mood, and help tire me out naturally.

 

[Mad Dash]

i just edited my second post and added a TLDR, for clarity and brevity. thank you to everyone who read and who will read.



does healthy food and exercise help heal the gabaergic system? as soon as i get another a little more money im going back into exercise. if nothing else itll at least help with sleep and mood, and help tire me out naturally.

running, push-ups, sit-ups, and pull-ups are free.

 

[tomindetroit]

true mad dash. great news a friend is goign to let me come by every day and use his exercise bike and/or treadmill - he has some weights too, and im starting today!

i will do both types of exercise but does anybody know which type of exercise is better for brain recovery?

 

[smackydowners]

you should really try and get off all this shit.

i was in a similar situation; my tolerance wasnt quite as high, but that doesnt matter really. your body can heal itself, even though it probably feels impossible to you right now.

i didnt sleep for about 2 weeks during w/d's (from opiates/benzos/alcohol). like at all. but gradually it came back, and with exercise and good sleep hygiene i sleep better than i ever did.

go to a rehab or just taper on you own. it'll be a few weeks of misery, but so worth it ultimately.