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Mother in Law diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer--Prognosis?

kvsouth69

kvsouth69

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Jul 19, 2015
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USA
My mother in law has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, Stage 4, which has spread to her liver and lungs. Drs say the chemo won't really help, and I know it will just make her sicker. But she's so positive and such a fighter, that she wants to go ahead with it. If there's anyone who can beat this, it would be her from her positive state of mind (which has been proven for recovery). Doctors can't say how much time she has left, but said less than 3% make it a year.

I've been reading some success stories of those with Stage 4 pancreatic 15 years ago and are living and doing fine. I am wondering if any of you have or have known anyone else with the same that succeeded into putting it into remission and what do you think contributed to this? I hate the thought that if this is 100% fatal, that she is going to take chemo which will make her sicker, but she is very optimistic about it (and I really do believe that could help). I know no one can give medical advice (unless you are a doctor), but I am just seeking personal experiences with the same.

I have an idea of what she's going to be going through, as my grandad suffered from esophageal cancer for months before he passed. I am also wondering, if you have had any pass from this, how long did it take and how bad did they suffer? We are going out of town to discuss funeral arrangements tomorrow. As I am typing this my husband showed me a picture of her in her hospital bed with a big smile and thumbs up with a message: Loving my chemo juice!

God I love this woman. She's been like a 2nd mom to me--something I don't hear often of in laws.

Thank you anyone who can contribute to this.
 
Wow...I'm so sorry to hear this. It's evident you love your MIL.

I wish I could tell you "it's gonna be okay" but IMO wishes are a waste of time. I had a dear friend who was eventually diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She'd been to specialists all over the state, but no one "found it". She had grown so weak and starved as she was forwarded from one doctor to the next. She died within months of diagnosis, so I can't comment about chemo. Katie was the light of everyone's life. She lived a life of service to others and baked the absolute BEST fresh coconut cake...mana from Heaven! She was kind and caring, funny and witty. She was lifelong friends with my mom, and much like a chosen mom for many of us kids. She loved Halloween and her popcorn balls were the BOMB! I still make her recipe for Katie Korn in the Fall.

She had just remarried after being a widow for 10 years. She and her husband @ 70+ were moving to Belize...yep! By the time she got her diagnosis, her groom was literally carrying her, because she was too weak to walk. She wanted to LIVE too, but she didn't. Hers was a horrid and painful death I would wish on no one. I was at her side those last 12 hours, wiping her face with a cool cloth. Thankfully, she seemed unconscious, though she groaned and cryed out.

Believe me, I don't mean to be harsh. This is an evil disease. If she's stage 4, I'd forego chemo. Keep her comfortable and pain free as much as possible. Try to enjoy the time you have left with her...as she is in the photo. The chemo will quickly turn her into a mere shell of herself. Katie took great pride in her appearance, always. I made sure she adorned her favorite pearl earrings when she left this world. She went to a better place, but it HURT to watch her go.

Again, I am deeply sorry for this devastation. I've lost so many I love to various cancers. This is the toughest one yet.

HUGS
 
DixiChik said:
Wow...I'm so sorry to hear this. It's evident you love your MIL.

I wish I could tell you "it's gonna be okay" but IMO wishes are a waste of time. I had a dear friend who was eventually diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. She'd been to specialists all over the state, but no one "found it". She had grown so weak and starved as she was forwarded from one doctor to the next. She died within months of diagnosis, so I can't comment about chemo. Katie was the light of everyone's life. She lived a life of service to others and baked the absolute BEST fresh coconut cake...mana from Heaven! She was kind and caring, funny and witty. She was lifelong friends with my mom, and much like a chosen mom for many of us kids. She loved Halloween and her popcorn balls were the BOMB! I still make her recipe for Katie Korn in the Fall.

She had just remarried after being a widow for 10 years. She and her husband @ 70+ were moving to Belize...yep! By the time she got her diagnosis, her groom was literally carrying her, because she was too weak to walk. She wanted to LIVE too, but she didn't. Hers was a horrid and painful death I would wish on no one. I was at her side those last 12 hours, wiping her face with a cool cloth. Thankfully, she seemed unconscious, though she groaned and cryed out.

Believe me, I don't mean to be harsh. This is an evil disease. If she's stage 4, I'd forego chemo. Keep her comfortable and pain free as much as possible. Try to enjoy the time you have left with her...as she is in the photo. The chemo will quickly turn her into a mere shell of herself. Katie took great pride in her appearance, always. I made sure she adorned her favorite pearl earrings when she left this world. She went to a better place, but it HURT to watch her go.

Again, I am deeply sorry for this devastation. I've lost so many I love to various cancers. This is the toughest one yet.

HUGS
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Thank you so much for your compassion and no you aren't being harsh at all. I need the honest truth from experiences.
They sound so much alike--I gues it's really true that angels are taken first (perhaps because they have served their purpose). I also agree that chemo would just add to the suffering without helping, but it's her choice and she is adamant about it. I just can't believe how positive she's been--only I know she's not scared of dying, she's more worried about everyone else because the family is NOT taking it well. I believe that is her motivation. But, thank you, I know how bad it hurts to watch someone go. I was a teenager when mhy granddad passed, and, being a selfish teenage, I could not take it so I was not there. I regret that to this day. But I have a strong feeling this is going to be very much the same....and nothing will stop me from being there this time. I only hope the family is willing to tell her that it's ok to let go after suffering so much.

She has been through every test under the sun for the past 8 months before they found this--which I just can't understand. It does not good to think "what if they found this 8 months ago?" This is just a part of life--and we can be happy she lived a full and purposeful life, touching everyone deeply in their spirits that she ever met.

Again, thank you, and I am so sorry for your loss. It's not easy to go through watching a loved one suffer and pass in such a way. But at least we will all have a chance to let her know what she means to us and say our last words so we don't have regrets later.
 
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I am relieved you took my words with the understanding for which they were written. Yes, it is her choice...perhaps for the family. One never knows, but perhaps a conversation with her needs to take place. I know it will be difficult, but YES...enjoy your time with her, whether through conversation or quiet time, reading to her or listening to music, etc.

Regret is an awful companion. I try to live every day so that I'm not left with that emotion. I'm considered the Calvary in my family. It's a given that I will be THERE, wherever THERE may be. It's important for me to be to others what I need. I have few regrets except that "I could do MORE if not nearly crippled with pain".

:\ As for your "teenager self" not being there...We all get a PASS for our youth and ignorance. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Nothing to compare...but I'm grieving the sudden loss of my beloved Dal (I have 2 sister show Dals). I'm in a perpetual state of the UGLY CRY.

I'm here if you just need someone who understands. I need that, too.
 
I am so so sorry, Dixie Chick. Well, we are both in similar boats (won't even go into my other beloved pet losses I am abotu to experience prior to a move out of the country which is of course delayed over the cancer --and I don't mean that as a bother--Im so glad it happened BEFORE we left instead of right after. If you need anyone to hear you out, I'm here for you. It does help to have someone who is sharing the same emotions bc it's hard to be strong all the time (for my husband) when all I want to do is cry forever.

And thanks for reminding me of the 'teen pass'. I am positive my grandfather does not hold it against me. I believe we put too much on ourselves that we should let go, and I am learning that.

Thank you for understanding.
 
^ sorry to hear your news. i'm sure people can guess at the prognosis but guesses aren't that helpful, are they?

surely her doctor and the people who're treating her are a much better source of a prognosis than a bunch of strangers on the internet who know nothing about your mom in law and the specifics of her condition?

alasdair
 
Well, I actually wanted to know if anyone had personal experiences with this in their families. The doctors did not feel chemo would help much, so going through chemo has really been her choice. But I know this disease will make her suffer enough--on top of chemo?? I've researched a lot of success stories, and was hoping I could hear of someone's personal success and what they believed helped it. We know she's going to fight it--we just want her to understand to NOT do it for us, but for herself. We don't want her suffering because she's afraid of how the family will fare after she is gone (and that is exactly the type of person she is). I don't think her family understands what kind of suffering they will be witnessing (I did get that experience with my grandfather, and that was not pancreatic-which I hear is one of the worst). In some cases, if someone's going to go, I believe it'd be less painful knowing they didn't suffer or suffer long.

As far as prognosis, dr's are just saying less than 3% make it to a year. again, very curious what others here may have gone through and how it turned out in their cases.

Thank you so much for your concern!
 
Hey again KVS...I'm "hopeful" that others will respond and share their experiences. I am of the mindset that you will get the truth from those who have "witnessed" this disease. It doesn't matter if I'm someone you haven't met yet. The experience is REAL. There are health forums specifically for this disease (or sub-forums), which I feel sure you will "search".

I'm told I'm too graphic/too honest. I don't sugar coat a turd and call it a truffle. My disease is Stage 4 Endometriosis. It attacks the body much like a cancer, with cell mutation. There is no cure, only surgery and "treatments" that can be worse than the disease itself. Because of the Lupron chemicals injected after 3 major surgeries, the trajectory of my life CHANGED. Yes, I would "live" as in "not dead"...

That's why I am such a proponent for quality of life. I've had NONE since my late 20's, early 30's. I'm now 54. The chemotherapy did NOT slow the progression of disease (surgery proved). It savagely consumed my bone health, leaving me not only castrated and childless, but also crippled with bone loss/arthritis. It's HARSH, but true. I wish I'd died on the last operating table.

What's the quote from Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias? I'd rather have 15 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of...(insert pain, suffering, SEs of chemo) Me too.

I don't worship at the temple of the gods in white coats. My experience has taught me NOT to trust. I try not to over-generalize, but it is the exception to find a doctor who practices TRUTH. Having said that, I think they are being straight in their prognosis. I believe in hope, but HOPE is not a plan...ever.

Remember, sweetie...She might "make it to a year", but she can quickly (via chemo) go into a spiral of suffering beyond her family's imagination. She needs positive re-enforcement, love, understanding, and...permission to exit on her terms, whatever those terms are.

I understand her "caretaker" mentality. I have that, too. I have a long-standing exit strategy for myself. I plan to "take care" of everyone/everything I can before I go. Morbid? yes Vintage me? yes I will stock the freezer with home cooked meals for my husband. I will sort/clean house literally discarding my "footprint". I arranged/paid for my own funeral several years ago. My husband will not find me. My brother will. I put his gun in my mouth in 1987, while he installed deer stands. I chickened out, never told a soul. I misspoke earlier, as inaction on my part is regret. I died long ago. I only exist for my husband. If only he could give me his blessing to LEAVE. That only happens in the movies.

(((HUGS)))
 
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DixiChik said:
Hey again KVS...I'm "hopeful" that others will respond and share their experiences. I am of the mindset that you will get the truth from those who have "witnessed" this disease. It doesn't matter if I'm someone you haven't met yet. The experience is REAL. There are health forums specifically for this disease (or sub-forums), which I feel sure you will "search".

I'm told I'm too graphic/too honest. I don't sugar coat a turd and call it a truffle. My disease is Stage 4 Endometriosis. It attacks the body much like a cancer, with cell mutation. There is no cure, only surgery and "treatments" that can be worse than the disease itself. Because of the Lupron chemicals injected after 3 major surgeries, the trajectory of my life CHANGED. Yes, I would "live" as in "not dead"...

That's why I am such a proponent for quality of life. I've had NONE since my late 20's, early 30's. I'm now 54. The chemotherapy did NOT slow the progression of disease (surgery proved). It savagely consumed my bone health, leaving me not only castrated and childless, but also crippled with bone loss/arthritis. It's HARSH, but true. I wish I'd died on the last operating table.

What's the quote from Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias? I'd rather have 15 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of...(insert pain, suffering, SEs of chemo) Me too.

I don't worship at the temple of the gods in white coats. My experience has taught me NOT to trust. I try not to over-generalize, but it is the exception to find a doctor who practices TRUTH. Having said that, I think they are being straight in their prognosis. I believe in hope, but HOPE is not a plan...ever.

Remember, sweetie...She might "make it to a year", but she can quickly (via chemo) go into a spiral of suffering beyond her family's imagination. She needs positive re-enforcement, love, understanding, and...permission to exit on her terms, whatever those terms are.

I understand her "caretaker" mentality. I have that, too. I have a long-standing exit strategy for myself. I plan to "take care" of everyone/everything I can before I go. Morbid? yes Vintage me? yes I will stock the freezer with home cooked meals for my husband. I will sort/clean house literally discarding my "footprint". I arranged/paid for my own funeral several years ago. My husband will not find me. My brother will. I put his gun in my mouth in 1987, while he installed deer stands. I chickened out, never told a soul. I misspoke earlier, as inaction on my part is regret. I died long ago. I only exist for my husband. If only he could give me his blessing to LEAVE. That only happens in the movies.

(((HUGS)))
Click to expand...

You really do understand. That feels too good. And I am looking for brutal honesty , as there's nothing like not expecting something. Since I am the in-law, I feel I will be able to handle it better than they will, and I can convey this information more easily (as I worked as a registered nurse and in ICU many years ago and it was way too much for me at the time). I, too, do not agree with all doctors--they are not gods. But we are talking about a fragile woman who already has terrible osteoporiosis and weight a buck and a half...and they gave her first chemo treatment today. They said her bloodwork showed she would handle it. But what about not eating?? Skin and fragile bones? Scoliosis? I'm just so afraid this is going to turn out worse than she ever imagined. But, like you said, it must be on her terms. And she must know that it's ok to let go when she feels ready.
 
Listen to the rustling in the distance. It's my pom-poms, cheering support for your entire family. No doubt your nursing experience will offer you the professional input. Your love for your MIL will do the rest.
 
Don't know why my "heart" emo isn't translating in post, nor the remarks that follow...GR-R-R-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r!

I posted that I'm sending hugs of strength and support to you and your family during these tough times. I care.
 
I am not too good with giving advice, because I know it can backfire if it isn't given carefully, but I will try. When my mother got breast cancer, I shut myself off. I made myself stop feeling any negative emotions or any grief. I became a robot because I thought I was tough and that I didn't need to mourn. It worked for a long time. I did not grieve or feel a thing. I reasoned that it was natural and was a part of life for people to get sick, and that thought process spared me any pain or grief, it really did. Don't make that mistake please. Allow yourself to feel whatever tries coming to the surface, don't bottle it in. If you do bottle it in it will come back and bite you. I wish you the best!
 
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Already here and I hear the cheering **big hugs**! I just gave her some Reiki of which she noticed immediate improvement of pain. I don't know how I forgot I was level 2 attuned!
 
DixiChik said:
Hey again KVS...I'm "hopeful" that others will respond and share their experiences. I am of the mindset that you will get the truth from those who have "witnessed" this disease. It doesn't matter if I'm someone you haven't met yet. The experience is REAL. There are health forums specifically for this disease (or sub-forums), which I feel sure you will "search".

I'm told I'm too graphic/too honest. I don't sugar coat a turd and call it a truffle. My disease is Stage 4 Endometriosis. It attacks the body much like a cancer, with cell mutation. There is no cure, only surgery and "treatments" that can be worse than the disease itself. Because of the Lupron chemicals injected after 3 major surgeries, the trajectory of my life CHANGED. Yes, I would "live" as in "not dead"...

That's why I am such a proponent for quality of life. I've had NONE since my late 20's, early 30's. I'm now 54. The chemotherapy did NOT slow the progression of disease (surgery proved). It savagely consumed my bone health, leaving me not only castrated and childless, but also crippled with bone loss/arthritis. It's HARSH, but true. I wish I'd died on the last operating table.

What's the quote from Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias? I'd rather have 15 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of...(insert pain, suffering, SEs of chemo) Me too.

I don't worship at the temple of the gods in white coats. My experience has taught me NOT to trust. I try not to over-generalize, but it is the exception to find a doctor who practices TRUTH. Having said that, I think they are being straight in their prognosis. I believe in hope, but HOPE is not a plan...ever.

Remember, sweetie...She might "make it to a year", but she can quickly (via chemo) go into a spiral of suffering beyond her family's imagination. She needs positive re-enforcement, love, understanding, and...permission to exit on her terms, whatever those terms are.

I understand her "caretaker" mentality. I have that, too. I have a long-standing exit strategy for myself. I plan to "take care" of everyone/everything I can before I go. Morbid? yes Vintage me? yes I will stock the freezer with home cooked meals for my husband. I will sort/clean house literally discarding my "footprint". I arranged/paid for my own funeral several years ago. My husband will not find me. My brother will. I put his gun in my mouth in 1987, while he installed deer stands. I chickened out, never told a soul. I misspoke earlier, as inaction on my part is regret. I died long ago. I only exist for my husband. If only he could give me his blessing to LEAVE. That only happens in the movies.

(((HUGS)))
Click to expand...

This whole thing is awesome. I just had to say that. KV, I am truly sorry for you. I have no personal experience pancreatic cancer but it sounds like your MIL thinks the chemo has a chance, so as stated, let her do as she wishes. There are plenty of treatments for the side effects of chemo and doubt her doctors would hesitate in giving her any of them. Obviously, nothing is panacea but trying to help you calm your fears a bit.

Wishing your MIL and you the best.
 
Kittycat5 said:
This whole thing is awesome. I just had to say that. KV, I am truly sorry for you. I have no personal experience pancreatic cancer but it sounds like your MIL thinks the chemo has a chance, so as stated, let her do as she wishes. There are plenty of treatments for the side effects of chemo and doubt her doctors would hesitate in giving her any of them. Obviously, nothing is panacea but trying to help you calm your fears a bit.

Wishing your MIL and you the best.
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Thank you, that really means so much to me. I'm seeing her walk around right now with her chemo pack before her trip to the hospital today. Pain seems to be under control, though really bad last night. She's got such a positive attitude, but there have been times I could tell she wanted to break down. Im very aware that many patients may make it 2 mos and not beyond. And I'm not saying she won't. But I want to be able to tell her/show her everything she means to me while I have that chance. Her palliative care doctor she meets next week and is very excited about that (as we all are). We just want the least amount of suffering possible--but this is pancreatic cancer we are talking about. And she does know what to expect. We talked today and she is fighting for HERSELF, because she is ready to get back into swimming at the Y with her friends and wants to visit me in Taiwan. I hope all her dreams do come true.

Thank you everyone...ending this now before I break down.
 
Hey Kvsouth. I'm really sorry to hear this. I can share my own experience of my father, who died at 50 with pancreatic cancer, although it's probably not the positive story you want to hear and for that I do apologise.

As I've no doubt you're aware, it's pretty much one of the few cancers to see almost no improvement in survival rates in decades. Once you're diagnosed, the likelihood in most cases is that you will be dead within months, especially once it's metastasized :(

The one thing I wish I'd been able to do in the months before my father died was to accept that no miracle cure, no special vegetable fruit smoothie, no extra supplements, and no last minute chemo was going to help. All this unrealistic 'hope' did was prolong the agony (for us and my father, who had to eat and drink all these stupid potions and restrict his diet and endure horrible chemo for no benefit whatsoever) and made accepting the terminal diagnosis for all of us so much harder. Which meant when he did finally die, it hit us so much harder than it needed to.

If I could do it all again, I would simply make the most of his remaining health to do some fun things, eat some nice food, and prepare as best as possible to say goodbye while he was still lucid.

My advice to you is to be as honest to both her and yourself as you possibly can. That doesn't mean you have to say goodbye right now. But it means you should not waste time on cures and false hopes that will only serve to spoil her last months. Instead, try to find out what she'd really love to do while she still can, and do it. Let her know that if she pursues the chemo option, she will probably be very very sick for the last time she has left. If she still wants to do it, then obviously you must support her. But I do hope the oncologist has given her a truly realistic estimate of her life expectancy with and without the chemo so she can make an informed choice.

Sorry this isn't really all gung-ho and positive. I do hope you understand I'm not trying to take the wind out of your sails. I think these are the kind of words that might have worked for me when my father was ill; maybe they'll work for you too...
 
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