(Amps and Creativity) Stuck with no way out

[Dotpool]

I've been using amps and ice off and on moderately for years. I'm a dancer and a big part of dance is Improvisation and performance and I had a "brilliant" idea that speed would help me be a better dancer because it obviously makes everything better. I was already using often before this notion. I started taking large doses of amps before dancing and I felt much more confident and creative and felt like I found a Holy Grail. I even started getting compliments on progression and how I was improving greatly, which only enforced the behavior.

The downside is that I feel like my heart is going to burst out of my chest, and you can literally see my pulse below my Adam's apple. I also get horrible headaches and the comedowns are worst than usual from the massive amounts of sweating, which leads to dehydration. Ever since I started doing this I can't stop and I don't know what to do. I've always feared my use would bleed into a different part of my life that felt pure and it finally happened.

I feel like I don't perform the best I can when I don't use amps. I just need some advice on how to get over this because this mistake is a gargantuan one. I feel like I'm stuck with the ultimatum of feeling like the best and risking my life each time, or feeling like a failure and being safe, even though I know in the back of my mind it's the drugs talking. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

 

[herbavore]

Somehow you will have to unravel the false paradigm that you have set up in your head that you can only be this creative and perform at this level when the amps are helping you. I can relate to your struggle. Years ago my son was prescribed amphetamines for ADD and I asked his pediatrician if she would prescribe them to me for one week so that I would know what he was going to feel like. Suddenly my painting was energized by both a laser focus and an almost magical flow. I was a landscape painter and where it normally took me hours to work outside and then more hours back in the studio, I was finishing everything in half the time, on site. Right away, I realized that this was tempting but that it really was not me, it was a drug. Even though paintings are a tangible product, the act of painting is very much like dance or creating music--it's about flow and improvisation. I determined to honor the connection my mind and body had to that flow without enhancing it for the sake of production. I can imagine that this is a harder choice to make when the "production" is performance, but I think it still stands. Becoming a dancer takes such diligence and hard work. Your body is your literally your paintbrush. One way you may be able to motivate yourself away from the amps is to listen to your body. That is where your deep understanding lies and you know that ultimately using these performance enhancing drugs will turn on you and begin to degrade everything you have worked so hard to achieve. I would suggest some kind of somatic work that engages body, mind and spirit to enhance your creativity.

I think it is wonderful that you are struggling with this in your mind. Many would just justify their use until it is too late and their career has suffered irreparably. It sounds like you have the awareness you need to begin to separate from the amps and now you just need to make that a commitment in your own mind and then follow up with lots of different angles of support. The close relationship you have with your body as a dancer will surely help. Do you think this is widespread among dancers?

 

[Erikmen]

I know what you mean. For years and years I believed I was better and more productive at work due to my addiction to opiates. It made me feel unbeatable. From waking up 'happily' to feeling great and worthy in work meetings, travels - without a drop of anxiety or complain. I thought my creativity was due to the substances I was on.

The worst of all is believing that it was the drug that was responsible for making me a better person.
So I kept on using until it was already too late.
In the first attempts to quit I would always use that excuse to justify why I needed to have opiates in my life.
I actually believed I could convince the rehab administrators and doctors that they were wrong and that I was so special because somehow my problem was not the opiate I chose but my false belief that I was born without the proper amount of endorphin to perform my duties in order to be a fulfilled person.

I guess the sooner you realize this concept is wrong you have better chances to recover and become the dancer or the artist you really are.
It´s sad to look back and see how we could have lied endlessly just to keep us going because it´s easier when in fact everything is upside down.
Great decision, good insights. Keep it up!

 

[dognasher]

I can relate to this as well. I'm an artist, and I worked at an agency as an Art Director for years before I started working for myself. I got really into coke during this time because I felt like it made me *brilliant* and I could work longer hours. 8) Then when I started my own business I was tired ALL THE TIME because I was opening a store, working at my old job, taking care of a five year old, and running a household. I was always edgy and I felt like opiates made me a big ol' chilled out love bug.

But it's all a nasty trick - eventually the time lost to comedowns and eventually gaining a huge tolerance really foils those plans. I guess I don't have any real advice but I do know you're not alone, and it's a common thread amongst addicts, especially creative ones. I feel like creative people tend to be perfectionists in a lot of ways, and having ridiculously high standards and addiction go hand in hand.

Just remember that the drugs are talking - making you think you need them. Especially with uppers. Those can be a real head trip. For a while if you quit you'll feel like sludge but eventually you'll be doing you and your career a big favor.

Just out of curiosity - what type of dancing do you do? I've always wanted to be a performer!

 

[Erikmen]

As we´ve been discussing the ideas of being better on drugs are an illusion.

There is just one thing I find it very hard to relate or even to understand;
I was taking opiates on weekends years ago when my wife (without knowing what I was doing) came to me and said how wonderful I was 'behaving' with the kids on the weekends. That broke my heart and I was very confused.
If my own wife thinks I was better when I was high, what would I have to offer now when I´m just myself?

This is something that bothers me up to this day as I´m sober for six months and the feeling I get is that I became a little unsocial despite my efforts. I´m not happy all the time and sometimes I get irritated with small things.
But When I´m okay nothing that I do seems to please her. Is it the marriage, the drugs, or just me?

Although she is happy that I finally managed to get off my addiction which everyone thought it was impossible.
I´m not as smooth as I used to be. I´m not mad or a bad person, I´m just not that guy anymore.
I feel my marriage may be going through a bad moment..

 

[RdDragon]

But it's all a nasty trick - eventually the time lost to comedowns and eventually gaining a huge tolerance really foils those plans. I guess I don't have any real advice but I do know you're not alone, and it's a common thread amongst addicts, especially creative ones. I feel like creative people tend to be perfectionists in a lot of ways, and having ridiculously high standards and addiction go hand in hand.

Wow, that hit me pretty deep THANK YOU!

 

[Listening]

To the OP: Listen to your heart (physically and spiritually). Regardless the possible good effects of the amps, they are finally worthless if they are not sustainable, as the case seems to be. Even if it's true that they gave you some edge, they also took something away. It will be tough coming off them, but I suspect that once you get back into the groove, you will be glad to have them off your back. Creativity is a tough one, but you will find it again.

There is just one thing I find it very hard to relate or even to understand...If my own wife thinks I was better when I was high, what would I have to offer now when I´m just myself?...I´m not as smooth as I used to be....I feel my marriage may be going through a bad moment..

I don't want to hijack the OP's thread, but I can relate to what you're talking about. My wife likes me better when (unbeknownst to her), I'm high. Actually, a lot of the reason I do drugs is due to dissatisfaction in my relationship, so I guess this isn't that surprising.

Two things: 1) If you're not perfect when you're sober, it's just because you're a human being. Some of your "imperfections" are worth working on and some are worth accepting. If she can't accept some of them that you feel should be accepted, that's something you two need to work out one way or another. 2) I truly believe that even though the drugs are an unsustainable trade, they can still teach you something. If you really liked the way you were better on the drugs, maybe you can look deeply into what the difference was and work in that direction. It's obviously a lot more work than just getting high, and it's a very long term project (may take you your entire life), but what else are you doing?

 

[Erikmen]

To the OP: Listen to your heart (physically and spiritually). Regardless the possible good effects of the amps, they are finally worthless if they are not sustainable, as the case seems to be. Even if it's true that they gave you some edge, they also took something away. It will be tough coming off them, but I suspect that once you get back into the groove, you will be glad to have them off your back. Creativity is a tough one, but you will find it again.



I don't want to hijack the OP's thread, but I can relate to what you're talking about. My wife likes me better when (unbeknownst to her), I'm high. Actually, a lot of the reason I do drugs is due to dissatisfaction in my relationship, so I guess this isn't that surprising.

Two things: 1) If you're not perfect when you're sober, it's just because you're a human being. Some of your "imperfections" are worth working on and some are worth accepting. If she can't accept some of them that you feel should be accepted, that's something you two need to work out one way or another. 2) I truly believe that even though the drugs are an unsustainable trade, they can still teach you something. If you really liked the way you were better on the drugs, maybe you can look deeply into what the difference was and work in that direction. It's obviously a lot more work than just getting high, and it's a very long term project (may take you your entire life), but what else are you doing?

Indeed. Thanks for this!
As I go through this long and exhausting process I realize you are right. I feel I´m not quite there yet and sometimes, as hard as I try I feel the closest people may be the ones who can really put you down, jeopardize your patch, although unconsciously.
I am getting conflicting feelings that.
And it´s not easy, it´s endless. At work too I feel I´m not that person anymore. Not that social and happy.
Won´t give up though! Too much has already happened and I refuse to go backwards.

 

[DixiChik]

DITTO TO RdDragon...Ding! Ding! Ding! for me as well.

Sadly, I have not mastered the "posting process" here, so I don't know how to post quotes.

I am by nature a perfectionist, an over-achiever, a workaholic, a fixer, et al. Wow, I fit the profile for becoming an addict.

I have never used drugs recreationally or to enhance performance. To each his/her own, just not my thang.

I am 1.5 years into PM after soldiering through decades of pain with only Darvocet. So far, med trials have not been successful. I did notice right away that Oxycodone at prescribed dosage of 15 mg restored my old DRIVEN SELF. At first I though "Holy shit I'm back"...but the rebound pain proved otherwise.


I backed off the 15 mg dosage for many reasons. I can see the potential for dependence/addiction so that scares me. I'm conflicted. After 4 decades of struggling with non-managed severe pain (via disease/injury) I wonder...I'm 54 fucking years old. I'm hurting. I'm tired. I'm weary. Do I keep resisting the opiates, or take them and find some balance?


BTW...I've realized at this stage of my life, PERFECTION does not exist...never did, really. I no longer seek perfection, just "possible" to continue existing in this prison of pain.