IV coke is by far the most addictive and soul destroying substance i have ever been hooked on. Alcohol is up there as well but with Alcohol it took longer to wreck my brain and life with it. No other drug completely fucked up my mind, mood, personality, finances, life and everything else like IV Coke did. Despite many people warning me that IV Coke was much more addictive then Crack i chose not to listen and had to find out the hard way that IV Coke made smoking Crack look like fuck all. I can say that IV Coke might be the 1 drug where i did become hooked almost immediately and i ended up going on binges shooting it up and when i couldn't find a vein rocking it up on and off (mostly on) rather heavily for maybe 2 or 3 months before i finally went completely nuts. I have never had psychological cravings as intense as i had coming off IV Coke. I had previously IVed Dilaudid, Morphine and Demerol (Meperidine, Pethidine) but even with Dilaudid being as compulsive as it is it couldn't touch IV coke in terms of the horrible cravings that where basically psychological torture. I sort of quit after that 3 month on and off again binge but i ended up going back on it a few times and getting all cracked out.
It turned me into a very irritable, self centered, occasionally violent, extremely paranoid, psychotic arsehole more or less when i was using heavy. I remember on one occasion i became so paranoid that "people" where out to get me that i spent the night downstairs with a loaded 12 gauge pump action shotgun and stayed up all night (this was maybe my 3rd night in a row awake) chain smoking and shooting Coke. I had a few reasons to be abit paranoid but nothing that would need taking care of with a fucking shotgun. I had become so paranoid and psychotic that only a few people where able to talk any sense into me at all. After a really bad week where i had a comedown from hell that left me feeling depressed and suicidal i decided to quit and thank fuck i did. People that knew me well noticed a change in me and said i had become way more scatterbrained, paranoid, moody (alternating between depression, mixed states and Mania) and OCD like.
This lasted for months after i quit and i don't think i fully returned to normal for a good 2-3 months. I took a long break from the stuff and surprisingly was able to use only a gram of Coke (IV of course) maybe once every 3 months or more. It did and still does take alot of will power and most likely alot of luck as well to do that but the reminder of those awful comedowns is still burned into my memory and that helps keep me from using much of it these days. Not to mention i did more damage to my veins by IVing coke for a few months then i did IVing opiates for years. So with all the negative effects, the fact that they are commonly putting a new cut in coke called Levamisole which can cause skin necrosis and Agranulocytosis(lowered white blood cell count) and the fact that IV Coke users are the most susceptible to the real nasty side effects of Levamisole make me never want to go back to being a Coke head.
The sad fact that drugs like Coke, Amphetamines, Alcohol and other drugs that are hard on the body and brain kick the shit out of me far more now by causing worse comedowns and taking far longer to recover from then they did when i was in my early and mid 20's has also made me slack off on using Coke and also make me take my own mortality more seriously. I have met alot of old junkies in their 50's and even 60's who have been using opiates for ages but i have only met a few (as in maybe 5 or less) older people who have been Coke/Crack heads for a long time and most of them where visibly fucked up from using it. I have never met anyone who IVed Coke for extended periods of time without pretty much ruining their veins at the least (1 guy i know who is maybe 5 years younger then me ended up collapsing a number of veins in both arms so on atleast a few occasions he ended up shooting Coke into his cock ffs) and more often then not end up with cardiac problems as well as having that permanent cracked out look even when they are not on the drug.
It's no wonder you are feeling fucked up though because if you are shooting that much blow your brain must really fucking hate you. I found Coke especially when IVed to be one of the worst drugs out there if not the worst for causing miserable comedowns almost guaranteed to generate suicidal thinking and that overwhelming feeling of both self disgust and self loathing. So no wonder you feel like doing yourself in. Please before you end up fucking yourself up more and run out of veins, things to pawn off, money and friends entirely get some help and stop now. The longer you use the longer it takes for the neurotransmitters in your brain to come back up to normal again thus it becomes even harder to quit. Also who's to say that one of these days you don't realize you put too much Coke in the shot or that you got dodgy gear with a really bad cut until it's abit too late and end up keeling over from a heart attack, stroke or possibly worse end up living with serious physical and mental problems because of a Coke induced stroke, heart attack or some other cardiac problem. Coke is not getting any purer these days and Levamisole is in enough Coke that IV users should definitely be worried about the health hazards associated with it's use.
Fortunately for you more and more treatments for Cocaine addiction are being found. I know that both the muscle relaxant baclofen as well as the anti-depressant and smoking cessation drug Bupropion (Wellbutrin, Zyban) which is a Norepinephrine Dopamine reuptake inhibitor like Cocaine is have both been used for this purpose. Also according to a few studies like
this one topiramate has shown to be somewhat effective in treating Cocaine addiction as well. In the end though you have to actually want to quit. No amount of treatment will help you if you aren't ready to quit and nobody can do that for you. Are there any treatment programs in your area? You sound suicidal from the coke which is not that uncommon when you are coming down off it or if your just in a bad head space. Depression with psychosis is fairly common in heavy Coke/Crack users and the really dangerous thing about that is you can lose all sense of reason and perspective along with loss of contact with reality of course when you are in a state like that thus a small thing that normally wouldn't bother you may send you into one of those oh so lovely 8) pits of suicidal despair and self loathing. Combine that with Cocaine's ability to cause impulsiveness and you have a recipe for a disaster. I know atleast 3 people who definitely had heavy Coke or Crack use as a contributing factor in their suicide and a few more who attempted suicide while strung out on Coke/Crack.
So i would suggest getting help before things get worse then they already are. Sorry about the essay by the way
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
