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I Can't Tell if I've Lost my Mind, or the World Has.

Well, the world has lost not only its mind but its soul if you look at what we are doing to the planet and each other, not to mention every other creature around--all in the name of greed and fear. But despite holding that dismal view of things, I still find lots to love in the crazy mess of me and the crazy mess of the world. ;)

What in particular were you thinking about when you started the thread?
 
Mostly the strangeness of so many human interactions. I'm not entirely sure how to explain this, but... All the subtleties of conversation. The subtleties that so many pretend are not happening.

Everyone judging everyone and pretending to be friends. The most frustrating thing about this, I cannot even excuse myself from the process. Though I feel like (hope) I do it less than others.

I also feel the most... Strange and.. Uncomfortable energy when I'm around people. Like I make the entire world feel awkward.

Who knows, that could just be a self fulfilling prophecy though.
 
I get where you are coming from OP. It is all indeed a giant facade. Everyone's happy, everyone's pretending. Everyone posts of FB how great their lives are and have pictures to prove it. Maybe they are, but I believe everyone is playing a giant game all of the time and I get tired of pretending. Is anybody real anymore? Maybe I'm just awkward, or I'm picking up on the awkwardness that everyone is laying down. Or maybe everyone else is insane and I'm pretending to go along with it.
 
^My late son spent a year in Samoa. After that he was afraid to come back to the US even though he missed his life and friends here. Why? He was afraid to step back into the madness of our image-driven culture. One of the things he said about Samoa was that no one hid behind walls. People live in fales which are small dwellings up on stilts with only half walls made of cane or bamboo. Everybody knows when you fight, when you make love, when there are tensions, when things are going well, etc etc. No living a miserable life while posting smiling pictures on social media. In other words life is lived in the open, no need to pretend to be someone else because you can't. The result is less judgment--not only of others but of yourself. Everybody gets to be a human mess and human miracle all the time right out in the open.

As far as the awkwardness of interactions, I just try to do what I can to make sure I'm being as real as I can with people. It is really the greatest gift when you allow people to be authentic with you and you risk being authentic yourself. When it gets awkward, use humor. Laughing is one of the best drugs around.
 
jammin83 said:
. Is anybody real anymore? Maybe I'm just awkward, or I'm picking up on the awkwardness that everyone is laying down. Or maybe everyone else is insane and I'm pretending to go along with it.
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Couldn't have worded it any better. I think that's the simplest way to put it (that being a good thing). The whole damn thing is just very overwhelming. Several people believe I've spent the last 2 1/2 years of my life in a very dark night of the soul. Before that time I was extremely outgoing and social (and a complete douche haha). Nothing could have made me feel awkward. I was completely shameless, in the worst way; and also, completely unaware of anything anyone else was putting out, energetically, so to speak, myself included.

Now I'm almost, quite literally, a hermit. I moved from Kansas city to a small town of 900 with my mom (I'm 24 now). So often when I go out it's like... Being in the center of 30 radio towers and not being able to focus on any of the waves. Like having 100 songs played at once on full volume. I have a constant HRM watch that I use for running. One day I thought to myself.. Well this could be used as a very interesting experiment. Just leave the thing running all day, see how certain situations and people affect me.

My resting HR is somewhere between 45-55. When I walk into a gas station to buy cigarettes, or whatever, it's nearly 130. I feel at my wits end and know what to do about it, yet, don't... A lot of the things I'd like to discuss are hard enough to make a space for in real life. Real tough on the internet haha.

(Note: My first seriously bad shroom trip triggered this. I think my friend was trying to help me pry into my head (had mentioned I could feel something was wrong with me and wanted to change it). I assume I found a lot more than I'd bargained for and have basically spent nearly the past 3 years re-realizing the revelations of a single night. So fuck me should that be the case ha)
 
NicolasWrukolas said:
I also feel the most... Strange and.. Uncomfortable energy when I'm around people. Like I make the entire world feel awkward.
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I get this sometimes, for me it stems from this thought in my mind of "oi mate! do you fucking have any idea what the fuck this is? Like have you ever stopped for just one moment to really think properly about how it is you are even aware?". All the little games and dramatic nonsense that people create through repeating patterns in their lives, drives me nuts sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like interrupting the conversation and asking them that question about reality.
 
-=SS=- said:
Sometimes I just feel like interrupting the conversation and asking them that question about reality.
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I have to regularly ask myself that haha (sorry for saying 'I'so much on this thread. I'm only, just now, really starting to understand the circular nature of my own interactions with others, and my own ideas of the world in general.

The past 3 years has been an obsessive search for 'The Truth'. Yet, ironically, all that it had accomplished is demolishing any thought pattern and idea of how things may, or may not, work.

It's like being striped naked, and having no idea where to buy knew clothes, or rather, who to buy them from.

I feel like I'm stuck between awareness and sleep and don't belong with any particular peoples.

Too aware to be around a lot of folks, but still too confused to be with the 'wakeful' sort.

Has this been anyone else's experience? Is it a standard part of the... 'Process'?
 
so glad i found this thread. it is lyterally how i am feeling.

i feel at the moment that i'm around people who are younger than me (because i study at college (high school to americans)) and there's this oozing confidence that comes

from younger people.

it's like people are blinded by their own egos. because people are blinded by their own egos then that means that nobody is truly looking at each other. everyone is going

through this ego combustion syndrome. the idea that everybody wants to me noticed but in actual fact everyone only really cares about themselves. in truth, the majority

don't really give a shit if you feel like shit. they only give a shit if you say something that allows them to dribble what ever they can afterwards. it's frustrating.

even though i am well respected by my classmates i still feel asif i don't belong. when my mood goes low it's asif (like someone said before) i feel a massive awkwardness. i'm

not a weirdo but for some reason my mental state makes me feel like one.

it's a weird feeling and i can't seem to shake it.

i'm sure we are normal and yes, social media has conditioned a lot of us now to be more social but at the same time be less social too.

i am studying maths and physics and have a lot of work to do for college and so this could be affecting my outlook on a lot of things at the minute due to stress. it's not good.

my mood has been low

for a month now.
 
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The voices in my head tell me to fast and listen to them for one week and it will all make sense.

Just beLIEve like everyone else.

IMHO, the awkwardness you're picking up on is real. Some communities astral travel/dream together. So like if there's a guy or girl in the community from a certain ethnic background who isn't living up to their folks standards, you get the joy of hearing how they think about you and your lifestyle everywhere you go.

It's a real "either you're with us or against us " attitude. Either you're building your dream life or you're falling apart. You're either building or you're sliding. Click, click, click .

It's an old country thing.

Drives me fucking crazy. Ya never know if the person is giving you an "aside" or if your parent/grandparent/long lost dead relative is mindfucking you by twisting your awareness into making you believe everyone knows your bullshit and sends negative thoughts your way.

My advice, if what you are picking up on sounds like what I hear in social interactions "you need to fast...you need to lose weight...you need to stop smoking cough cough" and like people avoiding eye contact and spitting when you walk past them. <---- if this is the case, it's probably a good old fashioned curse or hex.

I never believed it my entire life but at 30 years old (about every 5 years you age your community will reveal more secrets to you...spooky secrets) I got bombarded with hearing voices. And they ALL said/say the same shit I heard as a teen. It's the same bullshit.

Basically anytime you talk with a stranger, you're supposed to think "who does this remind me of" and you have your conversation with stranger while on the other side you talk with a friend/relative quasi telepathically. Basically you can exchange pleasantries with someone and any nuances that make you feel awkward about are actually tied to your behavior or how 'people' would like you to act.

So like yeah. Sounds kooky. I know. I wish it wasn't true but I've been hearing this shit for 15 years on and off. They have a funny way of fucking with your memory/awareness that the longer you engage these types of thought, the deeper they get.


EDIT: the biggest thing with these "traditions" is 1-no drugs, no alcohol 2- no sex out of marriage 3- no lying (especially to your parents). What does that mean? It means that if you do any of those three (among other shit like stealing and abortion) your community will lock you out of their "secret" tradition. It's basically astral traveling (like lucid dreaming except the dream becomes real of you listen to the voices in your head).

So if you want to know the answers and can sit still, lay in bed tonight, no pillow, palms flat facing up and think the questions. You'll hear shit. You'll see shit. They'll annoying the living fuck out of you until you start behaving yourself.
 
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