Today, I had a discouraging relapse... :(

[Pob]

Hi guys, some of you may have seen my post several months ago regarding my near death experience with heroin. If you didn't, and you would like to read it, feel free with the link below.

Overdose thread: http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/749827-I-overdosed-on-heron-tonight

TL;DR:
I used heroin today after being sober for several months. It felt amazing physically, but now I feel like an idiot, and a shithead. Thank you so, so, very much to anyone who reads below this TL;DR. It really means quite a lot.

Anywho.. Today, June 8th, 2015 I made a very bad decision... I used heroin after several months of remaining clean to not only heroin, but all substances as well... I'm currently staying in a halfway house with a good group of guys that I attend AA, or NA meetings with on a daily basis, and currently none of them know of my recent relapse. I'm extremely close with one of my room mates in which I have been living with longer than any of my other roommates. (We've been living here the first month that this place opened up.) and I know I can trust him with this information because he had a relapse a couple of months ago and he came to me as well as his sponsor (of course.) Fortunetly for him, I didn't let the program director know, and I let him know that I wouldn't do that only because I knew what would really happen if he got kicked out of the program, and I didn't want that for him. I'm just hoping that he will do the same for me. (I'm almost positive he will.) but that's why I came here to Bluelight to let this out.

I felt like it was vital that I let someone, anyone know that I made a poor decision today, and I'm struggling with the fact that I may have put myself in potential danger of going back out. I'm really worried guys, and I know some of you won't understand this post, but considering this is the sober living forum section, I'm hoping someone with a bit of years can tell me what to do from here. I'm kindof scared to do anything right now.. I cancelled plans tonight with some friends tomorrow because I'm honestly a bit scared to leave the house. I'm in fear of using again, and going back down this dark, unpaved road that destroyed my life, took away my friends, my home, my girlfriend, my family, and all of my possesions.. Physically it felt SO fucking amazing to feel my muscles, and brain turn to goop within seconds, and to once again feel that warm, flushed, tingly massage from the devil himself.. My God did I feel great.. But theres a catch..

Mentally, and emotionally, I felt like a shithead. I let my sponsor down, my family down, my friends down, and most importantly.. I let myself down. I was doing so good, and within a few seconds, I threw all of that away, and said what is the famous last words of many addicts... FUCK IT. Someone please give me some guidance.. I know I fucked up.. I know I could've called my sponsor, not used no matter what, etc... I honestly just wanted to use today, and nobody was getting in the way of that. Now I don't feel quite the same. It's a sticky situation that like I said, not everyone will understand, but I'm almost positive an addict would be able to possibly relate in someway.... Anything welcome. I feel like I'm completely out of options here, and It's not a good feeling at all.. Really, at all...

Much love, bluelight. Sorry for the long ass post. Just a lot of shit on my mind.

- Pob

 

[neversickanymore]

First Congradulations on staying clean for all that time. Great acomplishment!!

Dont forget that even though you used you still have that acomplishment and have enjoyed all that clean time.

So you used. Dont beat yourself up over it. Addiction is hard.

Pick yourself up.. dust yourself off. Dont beat yourself up. Take a look back at what happened. Look for the lesson. Figure out what lead up to the use. Figure out what you feel you can change or address or add to your recovery that will prevent this in the future.

Make the needed changes and get back to your new life.

If someone or some people don't "understand" then piss on them.

We are human and we fuck up. We all fuck up, all six + billion people on earth fuck up almost everyday. Quit holding yourself to the standerds of a God

Be aware you may get a little addictive push. Might need some support. Why don't you call your sponsor now?

 

[Girlfriend75]

Hey there, sorry to hear you are struggling. I can relate, I relapsed with 4 years clean and I've been struggling for a little over a year. I've got a week clean after a few months of heading straight for a bottom and I'm feeling much better with time. One thing that helps is my experience...knowing what it was like to only have a week clean before and how I got to the other side.

Anyway, I don't have the years clean that you're looking to hear from but I'm wondering if maybe part of why you are feeling so bad could be related to the using's affect on your body/brain functioning...? Yours was never my DOC, but from this time and last time I got clean, I know that the physical effects were part of it for me. Eating well and taking care of myself turned it around a lot in just a few days. It might be a good idea to give yourself a break, get some good sleep, and eat well.

Feel better!

 

[Pob]

First Congradulations on staying clean for all that time. Great acomplishment!!

Dont forget that even though you used you still have that acomplishment and have enjoyed all that clean time.

So you used. Dont beat yourself up over it. Addiction is hard.

Pick yourself up.. dust yourself off. Dont beat yourself up. Take a look back at what happened. Look for the lesson. Figure out what lead up to the use. Figure out what you feel you can change or address or add to your recovery that will prevent this in the future.

Make the needed changes and get back to your new life.

If someone or some people don't "understand" then piss on them.

We are human and we fuck up. We all fuck up, all six + billion people on earth fuck up almost everyday. Quit holding yourself to the standerds of a God

Be aware you may get a little addictive push. Might need some support. Why don't you call your sponsor now?

Thanks for the encouraging words neversickanymore. I really got a lot from what you just posted. I didn't go to a meeting tonight because of the fact that I didn't want to pick up that second white chip. I'm hiding. Hehe. I know what tomorrow holds though. I'm going to a meeting. Speaking about my current situation to get it off my chest, and then picking up that chip of surrender, once again. It makes me feel really good though that even though I didn't go to a meeting tonight, I still have bluelight to go to talk about what's been bothering me every second of today since 4:00. It's 2:02 AM right now, so I don't want to bother my sponsor at such odd hours of the morning, but first thing tomorrow now that you've said it, I'm going to make that call and admit what happened today. (Technically yesterday now.) I know that he will understand, but that he will also hold me a little more accountable, which I don't mind. I need this right now. I appreciate you taking the time to reply to my post though. You're absolutely right. I've learned so much in my little time I've had clean, and sober already. I'm no longer going to beat myself up about this because it only results in me thinking twice as hard than before about it. It's going to be a good day tomorrow. I know it. Thanks again.

P.S. I really like your name, haha. Random, but I saw it and instantly thought to myself, "Wow. What a dream. An obtainable dream though, with hard work, and patience." ^^

Hey there, sorry to hear you are struggling. I can relate, I relapsed with 4 years clean and I've been struggling for a little over a year. I've got a week clean after a few months of heading straight for a bottom and I'm feeling much better with time. One thing that helps is my experience...knowing what it was like to only have a week clean before and how I got to the other side.

Anyway, I don't have the years clean that you're looking to hear from but I'm wondering if maybe part of why you are feeling so bad could be related to the using's affect on your body/brain functioning...? Yours was never my DOC, but from this time and last time I got clean, I know that the physical effects were part of it for me. Eating well and taking care of myself turned it around a lot in just a few days. It might be a good idea to give yourself a break, get some good sleep, and eat well.

Feel better!

Thank you very much for the advice. I haven't exactly been getting the best sleep, and I haven't been eating right either. Both of those things from what I hear can make you feel much better, alone. I know I posted seeking someone with some years clean, but now looking back to where I wrote that, it's not really even required for me to take a suggestion, or two, or take someone with even a day clean's help, and guidance. It's pretty late now, I should probably take your suggestion of getting some sleep, because I still feel a little buzz from earlier, and it's making me feel kindof guilty that I'm enjoying it to say the least bit. I just know where I'll end up if I continue this, and I can't have it. I won't have it. Thanks again. Much appreciated.

 

[whataboutheforests]

this situation may seem like a failure to you, but really you've accomplished so much more than a lot of addicts. I've never had the courage to quit so you're already less of a failure than me. Congrats on staying clean for so long, don't let this one mistake get you down. You're obviously feeling a lot of regret over your decision to use again, so just remember that next time. Is the transient high worth the regret and mental anguish you feel afterwords?

Getting upset after getting high once after being clean for so long is the same as getting happy after quitting for one day after a super long binge. In a larger context, it doesn't mean anything. It's the progression of staying clean that really matters. Time to start counting the days again!

 

[szuko000]

People generally have a harder time sitting back and saying “look at all I have accomplished” but rather we think “look at my short comings and failures” Was there not a time where you would have considered a single use as not such a big deal? What I am trying to say is that one time you used is no more significant then any of the other one times you used, it is only the way you perceive it that changed. A single use is not indicative of a life shattering relapse it definitely means you need to evaluate your thinking and what lead you to get to that point and follow through with it.

Anyone who has been an addict, got clean, and then relapsed knows there is a process to relapsing and it usually starts with justification. You justified your use and then managed to ignore all the red flags and warning your brain was giving you and then you felt the crushing guilt associated with making all of that happen knowingly, but that’s not a bad thing because provided you don’t continue you can stop and grow from the experience. I like to think of relapse as a more likely outcome then people like to believe just because humans need to learn and sometimes that takes doing it again to find out you feel guilty it happens to the best of us.

I think as long as you seek the proper venues to discover your rational and get help not making the same mistake you will grow as an individual. I did when I relapsed and honestly my life is better because of it in a sense, it helped me realize some things that I needed. But you must leave it a one time thing to grow from or you will be back to hell before you had fun.

 

[cj]

I think you should focus on your accomplishment in staying sober for all those days instead of dwelling on getting high one time.

 

[herbavore]

You are doing everything right. You are being honest with yourself and others. You are being practical. You are just where you need to be. Stay strong and keep going forward. Perfection is a very damaging myth.

 

[Imtryin]

Hello Pob
i just read your story. Both stories, I clicked on your link and read about your first overdose. At 19. I guess you are probably still 19, or maybe 20. I was overwhelmed when I read herbavor's message to you about her son, how he died of an overdose after he "died" of an overdose and it really made me realize just how powerful addiction really is. It is fucking crazy. It's not like that was a made up story. Thousands of people overdose and die. My brother also died from an overdose after over a dozen overdoses where he lived. And here I am, eating up enough narcotic to kill me on any given day. We are a fucked -up people, us addicts, huh? Beautiful and kind, smart and compassionate, yet unbelievably dumb. We really don't think it will happen to us. Only it does. Just go on that blue light memorial page-lots of addicts on this site are dying You have another chance. I have another chance. Who cares that you relapsed. You are alive. You don't ever have to use again. You might feel shitty. I feel shitty. Ihave 11 days clean and I want to use every day. But I also want a different life. I think you want a different life. I have read the input you have gotten from others and it has been so good-so much of it that I will use. I didn't reply to give advice, I don't have any. I've really just been a taker here for the last 11 days, maybe one day I can be a giver like never sickanymore, or herbavor. But that will on,y happen if I can string a whole bunch of these crazy clean days together. You and I couldn't be more different. You are a kid, I'm an old lady. But we have something very much in common-our addiction is the equalizer that makes us the same. I hope you stay in that recovery home, what a glorious chance you have , at 19 ( 20)-imagine what your story could be one day Imagine how you could positively affect someone. But not if your dead.
Peace, my friend

 

[Notaddicted]

What's n.a

 

[snortmdma]

Imtryin you are spot on. Great post.
Pob, I can leave you with a piece of advice from Thomas Edison: "I never failed, I just found 1,000 ways that didn't work."
in other words don't think of this as a failure, just think of it as a lesson to be learned. the lesson is don't do that stuff again. That's what I learned last time I took hard drugs, almost 6 weeks ago.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Don't beat yourself up, you had long periods of sobriety, and relapses are not a mistake since you learn from them. good luck.