This week my mum died, & my family found out about my Heroin habit. Time to get clean

[mashmetaller]

This week my mum died, & my family found out about my Heroin habit. Time to get clean

I have literally JUST taken what I am planning on making my last ever shot of heroin. I wanted to write some stuff down to look back at so here it is public.

This has been the worst week of my poor father's life. A week ago today (sunday) my mum, his wife, died after a 6 year battle with breast cancer, having beat it twice, the third time was too much. It spread around her body and she ended up dying. It's been a long and awful fight, but it was only really the last 2 weeks of her life where she was completely bed bound by it, and she died with us all around her, my dad sister, even the cat.

This obviously was hugely upsetting for everyone, but also in some ways it is good the long fight is finally over.


Now my dad has been suspicious about me for quite some time. He's found bits of foil, and even found a subutex pill once, but I managed to explain them away, as he knows that one of my old school friends had had a heroin habit. He lives a fairly sheltered life from the world of drugs so explaining things away wasn't too hard for me.

For quite some time now I've been developing my own little nasty heroin habit. I probably started 4 years ago or so, but in the last year the use has been more and more. For my work I have to travel away from home, and have recently been so busy I've only been at home for a few days at a time, then gone away again. This is what has managed to keep me relatively clean, as when Im away there is no chance to score heroin and when I am away working Im busy and having a pretty good time so I don't really crave it too much. BUT recently with my mum being really ill I decided to take some time off work, and this is when my use has spiralled out of control.

Up until 3 weeks ago I only ever smoked. Sure I would smoke quite a lot but I managed to keep away from the world of pins. But recently as I've used more and more, I decided to switch to pins, and also to be brutally honest, as my mum started spending more time in bed, as I was living at home with my parents through this, I couldn't really smoke anything with her so close by without being caught. So I made the switch to pins. I feel like such a cunt writing that, but it's the truth, I really that much of a bad person.

Anyway, so my mum died on the Sunday, and then on thursday when putting some stuff in my room, my dad's suspicions were aroused I think by some residue or something on a drawer, and decided to search everything and found a stash of gear, pins, EVERYTHING.

Needless to say we had a pretty awful confrontation. I was driving my sister back home and when we got here, he took us both upstairs and demanded an explanation which I gave him.

Now my dad really isn't exposed to the world of drugs at all, he lives a highly respectable successful life as an engineering and IT consultant and my sister works in a highly regarded private school as a teacher and is highly qualified in the field of special needs. Needless to say the idea to them of their son/brother being on heroin is unbelievable. My sister can't believe how selfish I've been, carrying on using and lying to them about it and places I been (etc.) and has pretty much said she wants nothing to do with me. My dad said he wasn't sure whether to kick me out or help me, but luckily he decided to help.

On the friday we went to my doctor who referred me to a drugs group but warned me and my dad to not stop using immediately as the withdrawals would be awful (as I know). We went to see them and after an initial "triage" assessment they booked me in for a proper assessment for this tuesday where we could talk about treatment and getting a script.

We also got in touch with a rehab place nearby that can also see me on tuesday.

So I have spent the last few days trying to use as little as I can, waiting for tuesday. It's been surreal using in the house with my dad knowing whats going on. Before he found out I was using up to £100 a day on it, and since I've been fine on £30 (three shots, one in the morning, one in the mid afternoon, one at night) but now I've run out. I do have some subutex that I've stashed for hard times, and I will have to take that tomorrow, but as anyone knows, the first day on subs is awful, trying to avoid precipitated WDs and so on.

I have literally just taken my last shot of gear. I am actually quite glad it's out in the open now. To be honest I did start getting very sloppy at hiding my use, I think i almost subconsciously wanted to get caught. I know getting clean this time is going to be a big effort and something I really have to do. I have done it before but this time there's a lot more riding on it.


I can't believe the awful situation I've put my sister and Dad in. Now not only do they have to deal with the loss go my mum but now this as well. MY sister really is barely speaking to me, but my dad has pretty much said he will support me through getting clean this once, but that's it. He's giving me one shot at it and then Im by myself. So theres a lot of pressure on me. I HAVE to get clean and stay clean this time if I want to keep my family.

My Mum's funeral is on Friday. The Rehab place have already said that IF they can take me, they would let me out with a chaperone to go to the funeral, so fuck knows how I'll explain that to the family but that's going to be a pretty awful situation. Right now my main priority is making sure Im not massively withdrawing at my mums funeral. I have enough subs to get me through a few days, but not sure about friday, so I really HAVE to get treatment sorted for one of the two places.


My world is total madness now, Im scared of what's ahead. I need to make some big changes in my life, and just getting through the next week is going to be really tough. I really hope I can firstly make it so that I feel human at the funeral on friday, with a hundred or so friends and family around, and going forward that I really can get clean and stay clean so that I still have a family around me. I've already lost my mum to cancer, I don't want to lose my dad and sister, to my own selfishness with drugs.


Sorry for the long ramble, I hope it makes sense. Taking that last shot was a weird feeling. I now feel high and actually pretty nice but I know this is the last time Im ever going to feel like this, and the last time in a very long time that I actually feel decent. From now in its waiting for the WDs to kick in then the long road to recovery.

Wish me luck!

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

hang in there man, I'm on day 4 of yet another cold turkey detox. Ive been to 4 rehabs they do not work, i don't know what i am going to do once i get thru detox. I live with my parents so in order to live under their roof i have to make compromises with them. This time around i think is going to be different, i really want to be clean this time, its crazy u mentioned about subconsciously wanting to get caught cuz i felt the same way.. and then I did get caught. this last run lasted about 7 months of everyday use and it was the worst. all the veins in my arms are gone yet i would still shoot 15 bag shots into the spots where the veins used to be, i fucking hate it.

i relate so much to your story its crazy. also a tip for if u are detoxing at home… a few glasses of wine completely takes away w/d symptoms!!!!!!

 

[cj]

You need to stop beating yourself up. It's highly counterproductive as addiction tends to feed on self doubt and hate. You are going through a very traumatic time right now and you need space to grieve. I dunno if going strait to rehab is the choice I would make but that's your call. I'll write more later but please be patient with yourself right now. You have my sympathy.

 

[herbavore]

I have literally JUST taken what I am planning on making my last ever shot of heroin. I wanted to write some stuff down to look back at so here it is public.

Congratulations. You've made a very hard decision, followed up by your first strategy (posting it).

This has been the worst week of my poor father's life. A week ago today (sunday) my mum, his wife, died after a 6 year battle with breast cancer, having beat it twice, the third time was too much. It spread around her body and she ended up dying. It's been a long and awful fight, but it was only really the last 2 weeks of her life where she was completely bed bound by it, and she died with us all around her, my dad sister, even the cat.

I am happy for your mother and all of you that you were able to be with her, and to be together, to the end. I am very sorry that you lost her. Your recovery is probably going to be both harder in some ways and easier in some ways because of the inevitable grief that you and your father and sister are going to be going through. Harder because the need to use when emotions are difficult is something you are already familiar with but easier because your family's raw emotional state may actually enhance a deeper honesty honest within yourself and with your family than might have occurred at a less profound time.

Up until 3 weeks ago I only ever smoked. Sure I would smoke quite a lot but I managed to keep away from the world of pins. But recently as I've used more and more, I decided to switch to pins, and also to be brutally honest, as my mum started spending more time in bed, as I was living at home with my parents through this, I couldn't really smoke anything with her so close by without being caught. So I made the switch to pins. I feel like such a cunt writing that, but it's the truth, I really that much of a bad person.

You are not a bad person. You are a person that developed an addiction and your addiction is now in control. Addiction tells your brain what your body needs without morality coming into play at all. Human beings are masters of rationalization and addiction calls for a lot of rationalization! Please do everything in your power to derail these kind of self-hating thoughts. I know that it is difficult when you have stepped over your own lines of morality (eg lying to those you care about) but it is imperative for your recovery that you learn to recognize the role that shame plays in addiction and relapse.

Now my dad really isn't exposed to the world of drugs at all, he lives a highly respectable successful life as an engineering and IT consultant and my sister works in a highly regarded private school as a teacher and is highly qualified in the field of special needs. Needless to say the idea to them of their son/brother being on heroin is unbelievable. My sister can't believe how selfish I've been, carrying on using and lying to them about it and places I been (etc.) and has pretty much said she wants nothing to do with me. My dad said he wasn't sure whether to kick me out or help me, but luckily he decided to help.

One thing that would be incredibly helpful for your whole family is to be educated about addiction. Your sister's response is common but with education she can learn to see things differently. I am so glad that your father agreed to support you. I imagine that there will be family services available through the rehab. There are many good books about addiction as well as documentary films and I hope that your family will benefit from the knowledge that is available. When people say that addiction is a family disease they mean that addiction often has its roots in childhood and that everyone in a family system is involved. It does not mean that you had a terrible childhood or that you have a "bad" family. It simply means that our families are a very deep part of us and that healing ourselves involves healing our families.

On the friday we went to my doctor who referred me to a drugs group but warned me and my dad to not stop using immediately as the withdrawals would be awful (as I know). We went to see them and after an initial "triage" assessment they booked me in for a proper assessment for this tuesday where we could talk about treatment and getting a script.

We also got in touch with a rehab place nearby that can also see me on tuesday.

So I have spent the last few days trying to use as little as I can, waiting for tuesday. It's been surreal using in the house with my dad knowing whats going on. Before he found out I was using up to £100 a day on it, and since I've been fine on £30 (three shots, one in the morning, one in the mid afternoon, one at night) but now I've run out. I do have some subutex that I've stashed for hard times, and I will have to take that tomorrow, but as anyone knows, the first day on subs is awful, trying to avoid precipitated WDs and so on.

It's great that you don't have to wait long at all for things to start!

I have literally just taken my last shot of gear. I am actually quite glad it's out in the open now. To be honest I did start getting very sloppy at hiding my use, I think i almost subconsciously wanted to get caught. I know getting clean this time is going to be a big effort and something I really have to do. I have done it before but this time there's a lot more riding on it.

There is a lot riding on it. Your family relationships, your future relationships but more importantly, the most central relationship of your life--your relationship with yourself. Learning to identify the reasons you used in the first place (sometimes it is simply boredom! Or it may be deep emotional anxiety) will allow you to treat not only your addiction but what underlies your addiction.

I can't believe the awful situation I've put my sister and Dad in. Now not only do they have to deal with the loss go my mum but now this as well. MY sister really is barely speaking to me, but my dad has pretty much said he will support me through getting clean this once, but that's it. He's giving me one shot at it and then Im by myself. So theres a lot of pressure on me. I HAVE to get clean and stay clean this time if I want to keep my family.

While your sister and Dad are no doubt traumatized by this knowledge they need to be honest with their own emotions. Family members often react in anger when the real emotion is fear. Anger does not help anyone heal. I am the mother and the sister of people who suffered with addiction. I know how easy it is to feel anger and how difficult it is to live in fear. I am not blaming your family for their reactions--they are understandable because of the way we have all been taught by the drug war mentality to view addiction (as if it is a moral choice, a weakness and an evil). But I sincerely hope that as a family you can educate yourselves and see that we unfairly stigmatize drug addiction and drug addicts and this does nothing to help solve the problem.

My world is total madness now, Im scared of what's ahead. I need to make some big changes in my life, and just getting through the next week is going to be really tough. I really hope I can firstly make it so that I feel human at the funeral on friday, with a hundred or so friends and family around, and going forward that I really can get clean and stay clean so that I still have a family around me. I've already lost my mum to cancer, I don't want to lose my dad and sister, to my own selfishness with drugs.

Hold your head up and know that this day is for remembering your mother. If people are going to talk behind your back you have to let that go. For anyone that talks directly to you, be proud of the fact that you have made the decision to get help and relate that and then say, "This is day that I want to honor my mother rather than talk about me." Develop a mantra that you can use inside during the stress of the gathering--something to center your mind. It can be something simple like, "All will be well" or anything that you can use when your thoughts start to get anxious and self-defeating.

Wish me luck!

I wish you more than luck. I wish you courage and strength and endurance. I wish you support and understanding and honesty. I wish you genuine help and healing.

 

[mashmetaller]

Thanks for the replies guys.

Well like I said in my post Im actually pretty new to the world of shooting up, and it turns out today I discovered all my old filters when I was clearing out, so I've managed to keep using today before my appointments tomorrow. I discovered how much is left in the filters if you wash them out, especially when you find a stash of about 30 of the things…… At one point today I was actually pretty high.

Anyway I kind of see it as a positive thing, it means I haven't taken any of the subutex I have stashed which I think may be a good thing for being accepted into a treatment program. I know they aren't keen on people who don't use their prescriptions as prescribed and obviously I got the subbies of a mate.

So tomorrow I have an appointment at 10am at a rehab type of place, and another place at 3pm for a drugs charity place. Hopefully one of them will be able to help me out tomorrow. I think maybe hoping to get on a script in one day is probably asking too much but you never know. My no 1 priority at the moment is not being in withdrawal on Friday at my mums funeral. I really couldn't care less if it's on gear, subutex, methadone or anything, just so long as I am not in massive withdrawals at the funeral. Part of me now thinks maybe when my dad found out I should have gone cold turkey as then buy the time it got round to the funeral I would have been almost straight, or at least over the worst of it.

But over the last few days I have managed to get my use down to much less than it was, so that's a good thing. Fingers crosse for tomorrow and I can actually get some help.

My sister came over today to do some of the funeral planning. She didn't really acknowledge me at all. Her boyfriend shook my hand though which was nice, as she is absolutely livid that one time when I stayed over at their place (his house) I admitted to using then, and as he has two young boys she's absolutely livid I used in the same house that the kids come to (he has them every other weekend, and they weren't there when I was the BTW).

So yeah getting forgiveness from her is going to take a long time. At the moment I have 3 goals really.

1. Be alright on Friday whatever it takes,
2. Get clean, be it cold turkey, a rapid detox, or a longer program, whatever help I can get I will take
3. Rebuild relationships with my dad and sister.

Pretty much short, medium, and long term goals. I am going to do it though, I don't really have an alternative this time!

 

[the_ketaman]

I haven't fully read this yet but I think you should be very careful. After my father died I detoxed off Suboxone & Xanax and the sudden influx of emotions that the heroin/benzos would have otherwise numbed came flooding in and I had to deal with years and years worth of pain that had been defeated by the drugs in a matter of a few days. I thought the drugs made the pain disappear but it just helped it store the pain far away where I wouldn't have to face it..... until I got sober that is, your always going to have to deal with things eventually, the heroin only numbs the pain for the times being) but all the stuff id been through was still there, unprocessed and without closure.

Luckily I was in detox but it was pretty difficult and I wish I had have worked through some of it before I decided to completely get clean because I relapsed on heroin 6 weeks later, OD'd very badly(my mother saved my life via CPR, something I find very hard to forgive myself for even though she forgives me) and im back on methadone, benzos and have a very messy methamphetamine habit.

Im going into detox and I think that's what you should do too so you have some support if you do have the same emotional reaction as me. And if you can use Suboxone until you can get a bed in detox or maybe use smaller amounts of heroin or better yet a pharm like oxy or morphine(don't use the morphine orally, plug it, bioavailability is terrible orally) so your getting a measured dose rather than a different % every time with heroin. Just don't be IV'ing them(not sure if your an IV user anyway) because detox can be very beneficial for times like these. Im doing rehab after detox(for the 5th time) because my habits just keep getting worse and more wreckless every time I come out, but this rehab is different.

 

[annarchyyyy]

My heroin use was discovered by my family in a horrible way after my father died last year so the title of your post caught my attention. I'm new to blue light and have been cruising for tips/advice/support/people to relate to as I'm about to try to clean up. (AGAIN.) So I hope its okay if I share my story here with you.

He lived in a different state than my two younger (but still adult) sisters and I since he and my mom split about twelve years prior. He was killed suddenly in a car accident in July of 2014. I immediately purchased plane tickets for myself, my sisters and my boyfriend to fly out on the next available flight which was later that evening. My boyfriend and I had about a gram of black tar a day addiction at the time and were ready to quit. (the day before all this, we had just placed an order for a few subs with someone I knew who'd be filling their prescription a couple days later but it wasnt soon enough.) We didn't have enough time to pick up before the flight so we missed it and had to fly out the next morning. I hated not being there every second for my sisters but I knew we needed a supply to keep us from being sick during all this. Having no idea how long we'd be out there handling his affairs, I picked up five grams with plans to use it strictly to fix and stay well so that it would last as long as possible but of course, as an addict, my way of dealing with the soul crushing heartbreak and pain I felt over losing my Papabear was to try to smoke myself numb, so it didn't last long at all (almost a week though, surprisingly) "Luckily" my boyfriend's brother shared our addiction and had access to my dealer back at home so I sent him some money to pickup and mail me another stash. I told him to be clever and just send it in something that I might have forgotten at home, sorta hiding in plain site to get past the post office xrays. The genius sent a box with an old phone without a battery and an empty Ice Breakers tin in which he had placed the stuff. The post office in the small town in the highly religious Mormon state of Utah was suspicious of this package from California to an unfamiliar name with such strange contents and apparently alerted the sherrifs. They waited until the package was delivered, watched who it was delivered to and then went to get a warrant. Luckily when their warrant came through and they raided the RV that we were staying in at my cousin's house, we were all at lunch with my Dad's fiancé. I had taken a small amount with me to lunch and left the rest stashed in my suitcase. When we returned from lunch, we were greeted by my cousin telling us to grab our stuff and get out of there as soon as possible before the officers came back and tried to arrest my bf and I and she filled us in on the fact that they had left and taken my stash with them after (obviously) informing her of what they were there for. She was terrified and hurt, my sisters were stunned, hurt and pissed and we had to leave immediately despite still having so much to do (As his oldest daughter, I am next of kin) and nowhere to stay. My sisters ended up staying at a friend's house where, in light of the day's revelation, my bf and I were unwelcome so we got a hotel room. We still had to pick up my father's remains from the funeral home the following day and then make a 10+ hour drive back to California and all I had on me was the little tiny nug I had taken with me to lunch. Things did not go as planned and that little nug did not get us home. I started to withdraw about an hour in to our drive home in front of my heartbroken and furious sister as she drove the rental car in silence, my other sister opting to stay atakingfriend's house a few more days and fly home rather than ride in the car with me & my boyfriend. I hated her seeing her big sister like that, especially at a time of such excruciating grief when I should be taking care of her and our youngest sister. We should have been leaning on each other but I had disappointed and disgusted them to the point that they'd hardly speak to me. Our grief and need for eachother did overcome it to some extent and they tried to understand that I didnt pollute such a solemn and life changing event with this filth just because i wanted to get high and that I wouldn't have brought something like this into this situation if I'd had any other choice at the time, but I know that they will forever remember how I let them down when our Daddy died and I will never forgive myself for it. Which, combined with the pain of losing my Papabear, is probably why, despite successfully quitting with suboxone for a couple of months, I'm back to a g a day habit. I know that was a little long winded, sorry.. I also sporadically use speed and am actually under the influence of it at the moment. I'm a hot mess and am hoping to benefit from this site in anyway that I can as I'm about to go through getting clean again.


Good luck to you. Truly.

 

[clubcard]

Good luck. Remember, you have to do this for yourself, not for others. With your mum so ill, it's no surprise that you medicated - I'm sure I would. Only drug snobbery says it's OK for 1 drug but not for another. I've just got back from a friends house while he ceremonially poured 1l of juice down the toilet. He had a BIG habit and high-quality so was started on 120mg of juice. Over 8 months, he's been reducing faster that they advised and wanted me to be their since I was his only non-using friend who stuck with him. He's even broken the benzo habit he had and had a bottle full of blues that we mixed in. 18 year habit, 6 on the streets, now he's clean and has a very nice flat. He was my best man and, being an eclectic mix of people, while we went out for a smoke, he went out and rolled a beetle. Everyone knew him and nobody thought worse of him. A lot of people still ask after him and it's nice to be able to tell them.

I mentioned this because I never condemned him his pleasures, no he mine. People DO get clean both physically and mentally every day. Treat it as a learning process. Oh, and if you have any technical questions, I have 7 years of education in medicinal chemistry so I might be able to help.

CC

 

[herbavore]

My heroin use was discovered by my family in a horrible way after my father died last year so the title of your post caught my attention. I'm new to blue light and have been cruising for tips/advice/support/people to relate to as I'm about to try to clean up. (AGAIN.) So I hope its okay if I share my story here with you.

He lived in a different state than my two younger (but still adult) sisters and I since he and my mom split about twelve years prior. He was killed suddenly in a car accident in July of 2014. I immediately purchased plane tickets for myself, my sisters and my boyfriend to fly out on the next available flight which was later that evening. My boyfriend and I had about a gram of black tar a day addiction at the time and were ready to quit. (the day before all this, we had just placed an order for a few subs with someone I knew who'd be filling their prescription a couple days later but it wasnt soon enough.) We didn't have enough time to pick up before the flight so we missed it and had to fly out the next morning. I hated not being there every second for my sisters but I knew we needed a supply to keep us from being sick during all this. Having no idea how long we'd be out there handling his affairs, I picked up five grams with plans to use it strictly to fix and stay well so that it would last as long as possible but of course, as an addict, my way of dealing with the soul crushing heartbreak and pain I felt over losing my Papabear was to try to smoke myself numb, so it didn't last long at all (almost a week though, surprisingly).

"Luckily" my boyfriend's brother shared our addiction and had access to my dealer back at home so I sent him some money to pickup and mail me another stash. I told him to be clever and just send it in something that I might have forgotten at home, sorta hiding in plain site to get past the post office xrays. The genius sent a box with an old phone without a battery and an empty Ice Breakers tin in which he had placed the stuff. The post office in the small town in the highly religious Mormon state of Utah was suspicious of this package from California to an unfamiliar name with such strange contents and apparently alerted the sherrifs. They waited until the package was delivered, watched who it was delivered to and then went to get a warrant. Luckily when their warrant came through and they raided the RV that we were staying in at my cousin's house, we were all at lunch with my Dad's fiancé. I had taken a small amount with me to lunch and left the rest stashed in my suitcase. When we returned from lunch, we were greeted by my cousin telling us to grab our stuff and get out of there as soon as possible before the officers came back and tried to arrest my bf and I and she filled us in on the fact that they had left and taken my stash with them after (obviously) informing her of what they were there for. She was terrified and hurt, my sisters were stunned, hurt and pissed and we had to leave immediately despite still having so much to do (As his oldest daughter, I am next of kin) and nowhere to stay.

My sisters ended up staying at a friend's house where, in light of the day's revelation, my bf and I were unwelcome so we got a hotel room. We still had to pick up my father's remains from the funeral home the following day and then make a 10+ hour drive back to California and all I had on me was the little tiny nug I had taken with me to lunch. Things did not go as planned and that little nug did not get us home. I started to withdraw about an hour in to our drive home in front of my heartbroken and furious sister as she drove the rental car in silence, my other sister opting to stay at a friend's house a few more days and fly home rather than ride in the car with me & my boyfriend. I hated her seeing her big sister like that, especially at a time of such excruciating grief when I should be taking care of her and our youngest sister. We should have been leaning on each other but I had disappointed and disgusted them to the point that they'd hardly speak to me.

Our grief and need for eachother did overcome it to some extent and they tried to understand that I didnt pollute such a solemn and life changing event with this filth just because i wanted to get high and that I wouldn't have brought something like this into this situation if I'd had any other choice at the time, but I know that they will forever remember how I let them down when our Daddy died and I will never forgive myself for it. Which, combined with the pain of losing my Papabear, is probably why, despite successfully quitting with suboxone for a couple of months, I'm back to a g a day habit. I know that was a little long winded, sorry.. I also sporadically use speed and am actually under the influence of it at the moment. I'm a hot mess and am hoping to benefit from this site in anyway that I can as I'm about to go through getting clean again.


Good luck to you. Truly.

Hopefully your sisters will come to understand the nature of addiction and be able to help you put this guilt down as that is not going to help any of you. It is next to impossible for someone on the outside not to see addiction as simply a matter of willpower and therefore feel anger towards the person with the addiction as someone selfish that simply won't try hard enough. The important thing for you to do in your own mind is to understand why they think that way, that it is erroneous but perhaps understandable and not internalize that same thinking yourself. Yes, it does take willpower to quit but it takes so much more. I hope you will find the Sober Living subforum to be a source of support while you are going through this.Forgiving yourself is key. I know it will be hard, but ultimately it will free you to have the strength to get past your dependence. I am so sorry about your father.