I relate to quite a lot of your story; I'm 25 myself and have been doing drugs in general for 10 years now; and just like you I started with no outside influence, in fact I was that influence on my surroundings I discovered changing your conscious exists when I first heard of the word hallucinate as a child and decided I wanted to try that when I'd be older; didn't wait till adulthood and started experimenting convinced a few friends to join me, started with psychedelics (have by now taken LSD over 100 times, smoked DMT over 100s of times, combined up to 10 drugs at a time last festival I took 16 substances in a week) then when I was 18 I read about ketamine, no one I knew it took it but I found a connection to buy me some so I tried it and that's when the experimental spirit got bad I kind of slowly fell into ketamine addiction I fell in love with it, badly, it took me over and I for some odd reason WANTED to become addicted, feel what it's like to crave a drug more then anything else in life, sacrifice your organs in the process, or atleast coming very close in between my nose holes they connect you can't see it but if I snort with one side the drip can come out the other side that happened years ago luckely its growth (or breakage really) halted recently, much worse though doing around 5 grams of ketamine was murder on my bladder it hit a low point when I had done 100 grams in a month, snorting it from morning till evening grams each day by the end I was peeing clear red blood 43 kg of weight (1.76m female) unable to stand up spend a day in the hospital the pain fuck it was so bad sometimes when I had to pee I'd see stars from the pain I couldn't hold up my bladder for more then an hour which was a disaster with traveling but I could pee a fucking blood cloth, and snort more K to numb the pain it was so fucked up and at the same time I loved it, I love it still (and I use it still, once every 3-4 weeks only 1-2 grams which last me all weekend because this way I keep the tolerance at bay, been going well for half a year now I consider it my biggest victory bladder healed quite well too), but I loved it too much at the time I would've sold a kidney for enough K and I did EVERYTHING to get to it, spent well over 10.000 euro's on ketamine alone (already few 1000 to heroin now too though). Either way after that K shit I just started trying everything very experimental, psychonaut outlook combining everything that was probably not lethal I got introduced to opiates by my junkie boyfriend (who I've been with over 3 years and like me he has a serious history of addiction, at times worse then me at times less worse just different he has a lot of issues very depressed at the moment worse addicted then me more psychological issues won't get into that); he decided to do fentanyl again, I had experience with oxycodone by then and I was well curious after the whole K addiction, while it got out of hand, to experiment further with being a junkie (with no clear reason at all); I liked fentanyl straight away, not as much as K, but good, very good and got familiar with opiates and opiate withdrawal for the first time and then somewhere half a year ago there was no fentanyl available so my boyfriend and I, both thinking of it agreeing simultaniously decided to buy heroin, being the only people we know really that use heroin and just from day one start a chain of at first semi daily but very soon, like short few weeks, daily usage which has boing on for a while now and that got me to today, and yesterday, where I for the first time seriously decided to try and stop this heroin problem by starting methadone maintenance I can't get myself to stay more then one day off of heroin with nothing (I smoke it, only ever smoked it snorted it once but we usually have the freebase form so we have to smoke it which I like anyway I'd never inject thats not for me), so far I think the dosage methadone I'm put on is still too low, although better then yesterday, I'm given 30 mg now going back tomorrow again and I have been able to convince myself I want this and actually genuinely don't want to get more heroin now and try to get off I did not want that ONE bit before family begged me, although I was able to be open with my friends who were accepting and understanding my family reacted heavily when they found out so I just lied a whole lot but today I told everything, and that today I can say for the first time I sort of kind of want to try to get off, didn't want to before, before I just wanted more heroin. I want heroin now too, fuck I really want heroin, and K kind of too (I've also nearly died from GHB/GBL addiction at some point by the way, hit my head lost 2 liters of blood was put in detox tapered off I was at 5 ml gbl each hour at the worst point constantly semi sezures even on it no sleep constant spasms my nervous system hurt it was as if it was on fire double to quadruple vision tinnitus hearing my pulse in my ears constantly on the edge of withdrawal induced psychosis imitating states cursing myself out in my head hallucinating SO BADLY when I tried not taking it and no sleep NO SLEEP EVER I still can't sleep I haven't used GHB in almost two years now and I broke my sleep I wake up constantly every few hours every night and I hallucinate from like one day no sleep and even benzo's don't get me to sleep since that well I never had issues before I think I broke my brain with GHB that's my only regret that's adding to the opiate addiction; I have pain often and I'm over exhausted from never sleeping well all the time heroin takes all of that away and then some more it's just so tempting that's why I decided to go for methadone because it is not realistic to be on nothing now, I won't be able to do that and I want to be realistic so I'm trying and actually positive about it. Tomorrow some money comes in and I'm going to buy some K with my boyfriend who will tomorrow come clean out of detox (his plan was to go straight back to heroin I talked him out of it to do some ketamine instead) and we're going to get some K tomorrow and I'll talk about positivity and ask him about his options wether his local rehab can't be convinced to outpatient maintenance treatment of some sort anyway (they don't want to do that for him I got offered as soon I told them I'm a heroin addict pretty different between cities it seems) either way sorry for highjaking your thread like that I just relate I also often think I'm like the worst junkie and most fucked up person I know but I actually do know a few worse people I think, not many though, and that K thing well I also know one worse K addict but that guy hasnt been a heroin addict which I am even though he permanently broke his bladder and mine healed but I just mean to say you are not alone in this weirdnes, feeling like this, and like me it seems you haven't given up yet, still have passions and interests too like music (for me its music, art and raving and psychedelics and traveling I like life I really do) and I just want to wish you goodluck don't give up yet you're not a lost cause neither am I neither is my boyfriend even though he feels like it now I'll stop hijaking your thread now and wish you strength
Edit: Sorry I just noticed this is like one long sentence I can't paragraph big blob of adhd minor withdrawal fueled writing sorry about that I'll see if I can get paragraphs into it somewhere later.
