Help Me Get Better. Bipolar junky losing self.. My storey is sad and sinister

[ThatSpaceyKid]

I am only 18 and a Junky by nature.. Been 4-5 years. Can't cope with depression. Neglected I was. I guided myself. Everything is gone. I am my uncles "race" the druggies/Junky. Junky to me means anyone who needs or fiends for the junk and who also combines drugs to achieve maximum bliss, to take over the pain and depression of sober life. Man being sober was amazing for three weeks the one time I was.

I go to work and school but I'm bipolar depressed and odd... I am diagnosed with serious anxiety and mania as well. I feel schizophrenic. I hear things. I see things. I can't really enjoy or eat food. Five times a week once a day. No snacking drinking caffeine and water... I just don't care anymore. I got charges for being stupid. I neeed to fuck around... If I don't smoke meth or heroin I get dellusional and bad things happen because I get manic even psychotic.

My counselor does not deal with drugs... She can't help. I can't confront my family again with this deep hole I'm in. I lost weight. Skins sinking in. I continue to play this game and hide it. I go to work high. I spend my money like nothing all on drugs. That's all I care about. There's a few rare days when I suddenly go crazy. I can't control the anger. I growl I break things. I cuss and hurt family with words. I become someone else. Am I shitzo or is my personallity dellusional. I'm manipulating rude edgy cuss a lot. Steal a lot. Deceive a lot.

I'm at the point where I can talk to my family about weed... And heroin... They know about who I was.... I want my life. I have a bad ass job. I got promoted and can get a raise and sell something to clients over their lives insurance.... I am smart but have missed half a semester in college. I get to make it all up but I had to use my disability..... I feel below. People look at me stupid. I can't sit still. I can't function. No focusing. I get lost in thoughts. When I'm in class I am zoned out and not even around.. I'm scared. I'm ready though to change I still have a chance. If I fail I don't get to go back to colllege ever again. My dad willl be to hurt...

I would be a let down again... I gotta be what my family wants or else I'm thrown to the wolves... They control my life they wanna no everything and anything... I preach against this life to my cousin yet I'm living it. I even offered him some... Stupid thoughts. Could've killed him Idk. Avoided a bullet there.... I want help .

Please help me. I can't face rehab. I'm to weak already. Drug counseling maybe.. I'm losing my mind. And everything is going to be revealed and I'm gonna fail... I keep getting far and then one seasonal manic episode and become a Junky and do bad things to fuck it all up. I always do it. I have luck though... Got an amazing job... Now. But it's in jerporady if I become dellusional... I have bad thoughts about crime and don't wanna commit them... :;( no one usually listens to my cries for help. No more meth or drugs. No more smoking. I want to change

 

[Mysterie]

it might be worth going to a NA meeting and see if that feels right or works for you.

seeing a drug counsellor or therapist, someone you can talk to and get another perspective on how you could be beneficial.

learning better coping mechanisms than drugs such as learning CBD from a psychologist and/or some form of exercise might help.

eating food which is healthy and is good for your body can be a good start as well. sometimes it is just doing small things which will help to build up and create some momentum. i have always felt that the body and mind are intrinsically connected, so if you take good care of your body, then having a healthy mind will follow much easier.

learning mindfulness meditation from a group nearby where you live, most cities will teach some form of relaxation meditation for free, it might take some research though. i think this is very helpful because you can gain some perspective on how you view thoughts and life in general. for e.g. i view my thoughts as something i don't need to believe, i might think "you're such a pathetic loser, you aren't good at anything", but it carries less weight because i don't take to heart everything i think, similar to how a schizophrenic might learn how to not believe the voices they hear. also i used to have a lot of anxiety caused by having intense worry about my future, the present was hopeless and dark because i felt like i had no hope of happiness in the future. now i see the present moment as being all that is, the future is non-existent, the past is non-existent, all that matters is what is happening in my experience now. like my dog might get in a little fight with another dog over territory, but 2 seconds later she shakes off that sensation and is wagging her tail and smiling again, that inspires me. learning meditation is how i stopped my self-destructive poly-drug use, and it has helped a lot of other people, so it might be worth looking into. i have a really good resource on how to learn the basics of mindfulness meditation if you are interested.

it can also help, when you feel like you are in the grips of despair or deep depression, to connect with that feeling, and then connect with all the other millions of people in the world who are going through the same thing. come into your body, and the sensation of the emotion, and breath in and out with it while feeling that connection to all those other people who are suffering as well. sometimes it can help so much to implement strategies like that with intense negative emotions consistently, and to do so with the wish of letting that emotion release.

i learnt a lot of coping mechanisms from an audiobook called "the places that scare you, by pema chodron", it is a very therapeutic book to listen/read to, so if you feel drawn to exploring that after looking it up on goodreads, that might be able to create a positive starting place for healing.

also how is your home environment? sometimes struggles like you are going through can be worsened through a environment which is negatively charged with stress already.

i sincerely wish that you find a way out of feeling stuck in your addiction and with your mental health diagnoses. lots of love
~E

 

[herbavore]

If your last line is true, you can do it. Learn the patterns in your thinking that get you stuck. Most of us self-sabotage in unbelievably creative ways. Once you recognize how you are doing it you are halfway there.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

You've made a real good start by opening up and asking for help. Personally I don't believe in 'types' and that because you are around a certain type of person you have to follow their behaviour.

It sounds to me you are fighting what so many of us are fighting for (including myself), acceptance of the self. Your post is full of self hate and I can relate to that, BUT IT IS a choice. You sound full of hate for yourself? You are who you are and I think it's important to remember that it's ok being who you are. Past failures are opportunities to learn for growth in the future, and it sounds to me like you want to grow? You have recognised your mistakes, you are WAY ahead of where most 18 year olds are. You are young and have plenty of time to grow and become happy.

A man said to the Buddha, “I want Happiness.”
Buddha said, first remove “I”, that’s ego,
then remove “want”, that’s desire.
See now you are left with only Happiness.

I've completely fucked the second year of uni for a second time, but do you know what...I don't care because I sm learning to be happy and content with myself. My failures don't define me in the same way my successes don't either. I am who I am and as long as I'm trrying to improve my own existence and the existence of others around me then nothing else matters.

No doubt your mental issues are making things hard for you, perhaps it's time to try a different way? I spent about three months at the end of last year having unwanted intrusive thoughts of suicide, but I changed some stuff and went on a med (which I had been avoiding for years) and it's working for me. I'm lucky. I found volunteer work very good too, it's hard to hate yourself when you know that your existence is making the lives of others better. From a personal point of view I really believe in matial arts at a good gym as being a very productive tool...self-respect, respect for others, fitness, discipline, self esteem, confidence, enjoyment, adrenaline, endorphines...you get it all. Letsomeone else beat you up, learn the humility, and begin to grow within the culture of a good gym.

No more drugs is a damn good start, and you will be amazed by how stopping that will change your eating habits. It's another cliche, but I really believe you are what you eat. Put good stuff in and good stuff will come out, put bad stuff or nothing in and bad stuff will come out. You can start with other small steps towards feeling good through practical application. Write down a couple of simple tasks that will move you towards where you want to be for each day....eating healthy, taking care of appearance, doing a small kind act etc and try to complete them. If you dothem then great you are moving forward, ifyou don't, then at least you can see a route and you can say to yourself that you are recognising a problem and trying to get motivated to start doing them.

18 though, so young. You have your whole life in front of you and plenty of time to change. You seem to have self-awareness and I'm only just learning that at 27, you are well ahead of many people. Doon't beat yourself, do something each day you can be proud of, even if it's ust picking up a piece of litter and putting it in the bin, that's helping your community right there!

Complicated OP and I don't have all the answers, but between the knowledge of people here we can definitely help you help yourself. Remember that changing is ajourney of success and failures, takke the rough with the smooth and thank your failures for giving you oppotunity to learn. Be proud of your successes and ask tyourself what led to them and how to repeat.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

Thank you guys for the help. I've cut down my drug use for now just to not withdrawal. I am going to use cannabis to help me recover. I really need to get my shit cleaned up before it is to late. I have already lost out on these last few years of life because of this shit.

 

[Just.Let.Go]

Kicking the meth first would be a good start, deal with the heroin later. Like the above poster stated putting good food in will really help things immensely. Also loved the idea of martial arts, I might have to try that out. But the side effects of meth are as bad as they get for bi polar. Paranoia makes everything worse oh man does it. I can hear your inner self in this post, just the fact your reaching out like this makes me believe you will beat this stuff. Never stop believing in yourself and remember your seeing a world in a different way than most. Nothing at all wrong with that, don't try to run from it. Meet it head on and gain meaning from it.

 

[badfish45]

You gotta re-read this. Look at yourself in this thread compared to when you're spun out on meth and posting all over Bluelight.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

You gotta re-read this. Look at yourself in this thread compared to when you're spun out on meth and posting all over Bluelight.

Meth combined with a weekley "high" where i feel on top of the world. Say positive shit say im ready to change abstain from h and meth. But then the nearly every day downs come. I say fuck the world and do all the shit i want and live to cry the next day. Brains frying fast already slurr and talk slow and quietly zone out be clumsy. Oh and worst i get on my phone durimg a tweek. And when i do that i spam peoples emails, chat sites, forums, phones or ill be talking to much to the homie getting all personal and straight up honest aiging a fight. Because with Heroin comes the: 1.Anxiety and pain to get the heroin and impatience and extreme desperation. The chills cold sweats hyperventillation anxiety attacks restless legs.
2. The pre smoke jitters trying to get the foil perfect. Making a tutor from some washingtons or jacksons whatever you have. Or pens do wonder.
3. The first hit that kills your hurting. Followed by opium warmth.
4. The nodding out phase after a big dose. Followed by the nausea and mood swings and cold sweats or vomitting.
5. The irritable phase picking at everyone and everything and isolating oneself because irritation anger and the starting of fights.
6. The bad ass phase. Starting huge issues doing other drugs. Driving recklessly just stupid shit.
7. Then the zombie or crash phase. Zoning out. Barely moving not eating. Followe by extreme depression and mood swings and intense cravings
8. Sleep. And repeat every day or substitute it for meth.
1. The anxiety phase and cravings and lethargic phase.
2. The rush and cure for lethargy with the first few hits of meth.
3. Repeated dosing not eating just going about the day. Smoking a lot at once. The amped phase kicks in and one starts to feel tweeked.
4. The tweek. Extreme pleasure bliss and energy feeling thru out the body. Extreme focus and quarter sized pupils. A high sense of wellbeing. Tweek til ur ready or need sleep. Eat a bit. Take Seroquel at 3-4 am after days of no sleep and binging. Wake up slow as fuck and move slow the next day.
5. Lastly the day after. Go to schoo work whatever just like normal or dose before or relight ur dose. Pretty much still somewhAt tweaked thirsty as fuck. Still buzzing just need some weed to ge ahit goin.

 

[nygiants1313]

You will be dead in 3 years if you don't do something different or at the very least begging for death. You know what you gotta do. I wish you the best.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I don't do heroin or meth, but I have a high tolerance for benzos and a fairly high tolerance for opiates and mix those with lots of other downers frequently including 1,4-butanediol (a GHB prodrug) every day now but I am reducing my benzo use and doing the huge multi-drug combinations a lot less often - I used to mix like 7 or 8 different downers, most at a high dose every day and it has really been the last couple of months that I have been able to pull myself back from that.

I have times when I have anger problems [when I am severely depressed or having mixed episodes] but I deal with it by hurting myself or breaking/smashing things that are not worth anything, such as beer bottles or aluminum cans or beating up the bed and maybe just yelling at empty space so I don't harm anyone else emotionally or physically. Perhaps you could try that, minus the hurting yourself part. You don't want to do things now that you'll regret later on - you can't undo what has been done, but you don't need anyone to tell you that. Just try to express the anger in a less negative way.

I would say the meth probably contributes to the depressed states more than any of the other drugs if you are doing the meth like on a weekly basis, but that is just from the experiences I have had and do not wish to repeat as it left me wishing myself dead for maybe week or more one time and it took longer than that for me to recover. You could be different, and heroin could be a lot worse than any of the opiates I have ever used daily/multiple times daily [poppies, hydrocodone, and kratom]. Maybe if you find it too hard to just quit, you could try switching to a weaker opiate for a while.

It might be easier to quit the meth first, since it is not physically addictive. It is really hard on the body and that is surely making you feel a lot worse. For me, benzos feel like they drain my heart and soul and sometimes it has seemed like they were turning me into a lifeless zombie - a cold emotional state I had not felt in a long time until my level of benzo use really started to get out of control last year, but that has been improving since I've reduced my use. I hope to quit the benzos completely but that has to be done really slowly when you've been using a long time. But meth produced a state similar to that, just far worse. I felt nothing but pain. I thought I had lost the ability to love for more than fleeting moments for that first week and I would not be able to live in a state like that for too long.

How do you feel in the days following the meth use compared to the days prior to using, when you are using heroin on a daily basis? Taking that into account could really help you figure out what is making you feel worse if you have any doubt when you say it is the heroin - and I know neither is good for you [but maybe I have no right to talk or give anyone advice on what is good for them. I am definitely not the posterboy for harm reduction.]


I felt dull-minded for at least 3 weeks or so afterward and no other drug has done that to me with a single use. Only a few times have week(s) long multi-drug binges left me feeling dull or more depressed for weeks. Any drug that does that in a single use can't be good for you, and I did not stay up for days at a time using either. The meth is probably making your anxiety and anger issues a lot worse too. I know it fucked my anxiety level up bad and my brother was always angry when he was here and it clearly caused him to have panic and psychosis while on it. Stealing to get money for his big meth habit is what landed him back in jail.

It sounds like you may have schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar disorder although it is possible those symptoms are from the meth. My brother really went psycho on meth, using people as human shields and forcing me to stay in my bedroom with him against my will pretty much while he freaked out and acted in frightening ways over people he said he could see pointing guns at him.

I know you can quit - there are lots of people on here who have done so and I don't think it is easy for anyone.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

You will be dead in 3 years if you don't do something different or at the very least begging for death. You know what you gotta do. I wish you the best.

I have been dead these last few years... I barely remember the kida i grew up with. Nothing else except for Meth i have gone 2 days off of heroin. Meth is a fuck yes and NEEDED an all day high > A Couple hours hmm all dayyyy ? im addicted but its fine i am ready to go.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I don't do heroin or meth, but I have a high tolerance for benzos and a fairly high tolerance for opiates and mix those with lots of other downers frequently including 1,4-butanediol (a GHB prodrug) every day now but I am reducing my benzo use and doing the huge multi-drug combinations a lot less often - I used to mix like 7 or 8 different downers, most at a high dose every day and it has really been the last couple of months that I have been able to pull myself back from that.

I have times when I have anger problems [when I am severely depressed or having mixed episodes] but I deal with it by hurting myself or breaking/smashing things that are not worth anything, such as beer bottles or aluminum cans or beating up the bed and maybe just yelling at empty space so I don't harm anyone else emotionally or physically. Perhaps you could try that, minus the hurting yourself part. You don't want to do things now that you'll regret later on - you can't undo what has been done, but you don't need anyone to tell you that. Just try to express the anger in a less negative way.


I would say the meth probably contributes to the depressed states more than any of the other drugs if you are doing the meth like on a weekly basis, but that is just from the experiences I have had and do not wish to repeat as it left me wishing myself dead for maybe week or more one time and it took longer than that for me to recover. You could be different, and heroin could be a lot worse than any of the opiates I have ever used daily/multiple times daily [poppies, hydrocodone, and kratom]. Maybe if you find it too hard to just quit, you could try switching to a weaker opiate for a while.

It might be easier to quit the meth first, since it is not physically addictive. It is really hard on the body and that is surely making you feel a lot worse. For me, benzos feel like they drain my heart and soul and sometimes it has seemed like they were turning me into a lifeless zombie - a cold emotional state I had not felt in a long time until my level of benzo use really started to get out of control last year, but that has been improving since I've reduced my use. I hope to quit the benzos completely but that has to be done really slowly when you've been using a long time. But meth produced a state similar to that, just far worse. I felt nothing but pain. I thought I had lost the ability to love for more than fleeting moments for that first week and I would not be able to live in a state like that for too long.

How do you feel in the days following the meth use compared to the days prior to using, when you are using heroin on a daily basis? Taking that into account could really help you figure out what is making you feel worse if you have any doubt when you say it is the heroin - and I know neither is good for you [but maybe I have no right to talk or give anyone advice on what is good for them. I am definitely not the posterboy for harm reduction.]


I felt dull-minded for at least 3 weeks or so afterward and no other drug has done that to me with a single use. Only a few times have week(s) long multi-drug binges left me feeling dull or more depressed for weeks. Any drug that does that in a single use can't be good for you, and I did not stay up for days at a time using either. The meth is probably making your anxiety and anger issues a lot worse too. I know it fucked my anxiety level up bad and my brother was always angry when he was here and it clearly caused him to have panic and psychosis while on it. Stealing to get money for his big meth habit is what landed him back in jail.

It sounds like you may have schizoaffective disorder instead of bipolar disorder although it is possible those symptoms are from the meth. My brother really went psycho on meth, using people as human shields and forcing me to stay in my bedroom with him against my will pretty much while he freaked out and acted in frightening ways over people he said he could see pointing guns at him.

I know you can quit - there are lots of people on here who have done so and I don't think it is easy for anyone.

Before: Bored, tired, anxious pissed off desperate shakey flushed edgy somewhat better... Just not the same. Cold and distant but i am used to that i am a cold distant soul even before the drugs i was unique. Sinister and just not what a kid should be. I cant focus think or function i wanna cry so bad but cant. Then during i get tweeked or as much as i can. No more ringing or fainting &#55357;&#56877; just a feeling of well being. Relaxation. Calm. Focused. Happy. Blissful. Euphoric as all hell. The next day still feel buzzed black out when i stand up. Thirsty. Slow. I still feel good all it needs it a cig to take it away. I am not as euphoric until i dose again only 3 day binges though. I cant let myself go. I brushy teeth after. I drink when mouths dry. I never grind anymore. Tolerance is a bitch. I can get off of one but it means using the other... Heroin helps me get off meth for 7 days straight if i use for 5 days. Or Meth helps me get off the h for a few weeks so i can tweak. Weed just helps with the shitty nausea. Ive been there to with pills. I always just did Percosets 30's. Clazepam 1mg opium. Heroin. Oxycotin 10 mg. Roxys . Yellow jackets if i could get them. Neurontin 600mg . My favorite dose was 3600 of Neurontin, 5 mg of clazepam. 2-3 bags of dope. 20 mg oxycotin. And maybe if i was crazy 2 yellow jackets a bag of heroin 3 mg clazepam and 1200 neurontin. Id always use bud to to make it better and when i really wanted to die... Id drink to. Im still here... Fuckin tried and true. Or if i wanna do some psycdelics just pop 30 25 mg Benadryls and trip out and have amazing lucid dreams. &#55357;&#57004;&#55357;&#56847;If i fall out to hard id drink energy drinks. And do meth. I am good at what i do. Can smoke all day never smell like bud or cigs. Meth i smell good am barely sweating and have good breath always. I dont get nickle sized pupils after 8-10 hours. I dont grind my jaw. I dont get raged out. I shower and shave so im not a mess i force food to keep going and slam water. Calm and relaxed and able to focus and get shit done. Heroin never puke. My eyes always look like pins so no one knows. Never smell like puke. Never nod when i cant only hours after dosing its weird. Never look flushed. &#55357;&#56834; always get the money for my dose its gauaranteed. I always act normal and dont fuck up anything. Tweaking for me is a casual thing. I use to feel casual. I get shit done. I can focus. I get very social but not above normal. It gets me up. I wear clean clothes. I get thru my day like normal maybe late to work but then ill stay late &#55357;&#56833; ive never been paranoid... Lile ever. If i see shit i ignore it or dont even trip. Dude i played with oujia boards and shit shadows and demons are not frightening. As i follow the serpents hiss they hovered around me and simply vanished. Do not fear primary evil acknoledge it. Show no fear just acceptance. Follow the ways of the occult doing drugs and all and youll be fine and all that good stuff about raising hell and freedom deception perception sinning teaches you to live free without care for others without consequence in my book. Above all friend. Accept death. We are all going to die. All of us and theres not a damn thing anyone could do. Maybe it is your purpose to die and you will be successful at it. If you stop fearing pain death loss getting hurt and trying to hard for yor well being and just go with life ignoring the reasoning. Gambling on luck and your own skills. Only them can you appreciate life and live it to the fullest. Who says we shouldnt do drugs that we shouldnt be greedy that we dont deserve the best. That we have the right to do what we want despite everything. That we shouldnt use Meth the respected drug to psycics as it opens the spiritual realm or is rumored to. It opens us up to the other side. Who says we shouldnt mingle with the things people shy from like the &#55357;&#56457;. >snip< I am spacey and tweaked gotta work on my meth typing i ramble and go on and on...

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

I am not quite sure what I can say to this to help you as far as meth or heroin goes, but you say you use large (750mg) doses of Benadryl/diphenhydramine to get high. This is extremely bad for you, and it is not a true psychedelic - it is a deliriant like Datura or amitriptyline. I've done diphenhydramine like that a lot, but it was very long ago when I was extremely depressed and had almost no money and that was all I could afford. It doesn't feel like it is as likely to cause you to do crazy things while in a state of delirium thinking your hallucinations and delusional thoughts are real, but it made me feel more depressed while I was doing it and for at least a good six months after I stopped I felt like I had been brain damaged. That fortunately did not last, I returned to normal as far as I could tell.

Quitting the diphenhydramine trips might help you feel better. If you are going to trip on something, there are better and less harmful things out there that are legal and cheap. I am not recommending you to use either of these, but Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seed and Morning Glory Seed are true psychedelics and it seems to me far less harmful than diphenhydramine; even having the potential to help someone who needs it - but that would be a risky move. You could have a bad trip and you are experiencing psychotic symptoms which could easily be made worse by tripping. But the diphenhydramine may be just as bad or maybe worse for someone with psychosis.

It seems to me you have pretty much indicated here that you are going to keep using drugs in a similar manner to what you have been. The best thing you could do is try to reduce your dosage just a little each time, just quitting all at once is too hard for most of us. If you are not going to try to change how you use drugs, maybe you could try to switch to some less harmful drugs that could replace the ones you are using now.

There are less harmful stimulants than meth that provide a good high. There are safer/less harmful opiates that produce a good high, some of them can be as pleasant as heroin from what I have read.
Benadryl/diphenhydramine is in my opinion about the worst thing other than tropane alkaloids (what is in Datura, Belladonna, and so on) and tricyclic antidepressants.

It is probably in your best interest to drop the tripping at least for a while since you are psychotic but if you are not going to take that advice, dextromethorphan is a better OTC med to trip on and that is more of a real trip or HBWR/Morning Glory seeds are legal and the trip is fairly similar to LSD, and HBWR seeds just cost maybe $2 or $3 per trip. I don't know if I should even be saying it would be better to switch if you aren't going to stop. You really do need to stop for a while. I am not telling you that you should never trip again - if someone told me that, I would shut my ears. If people seemed concerned about what I was doing when I was abusing the hell out of drugs and they told me I should take a break from tripping for a while, I would try my best to stay away completely for a while and if I did give in I would have at least really toned it down.

It is not your purpose just to die. We are all going to do that someday, so why rush it? Think of the ones you will leave behind. Think about all the experiences you could have in the future if you live. I don't know if any of us are here for a reason but if we are, it is not just to die. If we are here for a reason, the dying part is supposed to happen after our purpose for living has been fulfilled and if we are not here for a reason, we need to find our own reasons and make our own purpose in life.

You really should not want to be a greedy person who does not care about others. Unless you are a psychopath, you will eventually find yourself very unhappy living like that. Maybe it would do you some good to just try to occasionally do a little volunteer work or give things you no longer want/food you don't intend to use to a homeless shelter. Maybe try saving up recyclable material instead of throwing it away. Anything that would represent a positive change in how you treat other people or the planet itself.

Maybe you would find it makes you feel better and maybe that would help you deal with your drug problem more effectively. Research has proven that when someone does things to benefit others, they are happier two weeks and four weeks later with all of them getting a certain amount of money to spend on themselves or others [gifts or charitable donations] but those who spent it on themselves were no happier than before. That is something that could be therapeutic for someone who is depressed or empty or who feels like maybe their purpose on this Earth is to die. I feel bad for you and I hope you can make some positive changes in your life. I know I've never talked to you before but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and if it means the same thing for you as it did for me when I was feeling that way, it must be fucking painful.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Since you're bipolar do you see a psychiatrist, or a doctor who prescribes you medications for being bipolar and the manic/depressive states you get into? Does he/she know about how you're addicted to meth, heroin, and other drugs and that you want to get sober?

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

I am not quite sure what I can say to this to help you as far as meth or heroin goes, but you say you use large (750mg) doses of Benadryl/diphenhydramine to get high. This is extremely bad for you, and it is not a true psychedelic - it is a deliriant like Datura or amitriptyline. I've done diphenhydramine like that a lot, but it was very long ago when I was extremely depressed and had almost no money and that was all I could afford. It doesn't feel like it is as likely to cause you to do crazy things while in a state of delirium thinking your hallucinations and delusional thoughts are real, but it made me feel more depressed while I was doing it and for at least a good six months after I stopped I felt like I had been brain damaged. That fortunately did not last, I returned to normal as far as I could tell.

Quitting the diphenhydramine trips might help you feel better. If you are going to trip on something, there are better and less harmful things out there that are legal and cheap. I am not recommending you to use either of these, but Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seed and Morning Glory Seed are true psychedelics and it seems to me far less harmful than diphenhydramine; even having the potential to help someone who needs it - but that would be a risky move. You could have a bad trip and you are experiencing psychotic symptoms which could easily be made worse by tripping. But the diphenhydramine may be just as bad or maybe worse for someone with psychosis.

It seems to me you have pretty much indicated here that you are going to keep using drugs in a similar manner to what you have been. The best thing you could do is try to reduce your dosage just a little each time, just quitting all at once is too hard for most of us. If you are not going to try to change how you use drugs, maybe you could try to switch to some less harmful drugs that could replace the ones you are using now.

There are less harmful stimulants than meth that provide a good high. There are safer/less harmful opiates that produce a good high, some of them can be as pleasant as heroin from what I have read.
Benadryl/diphenhydramine is in my opinion about the worst thing other than tropane alkaloids (what is in Datura, Belladonna, and so on) and tricyclic antidepressants.

It is probably in your best interest to drop the tripping at least for a while since you are psychotic but if you are not going to take that advice, dextromethorphan is a better OTC med to trip on and that is more of a real trip or HBWR/Morning Glory seeds are legal and the trip is fairly similar to LSD, and HBWR seeds just cost maybe $2 or $3 per trip. I don't know if I should even be saying it would be better to switch if you aren't going to stop. You really do need to stop for a while. I am not telling you that you should never trip again - if someone told me that, I would shut my ears. If people seemed concerned about what I was doing when I was abusing the hell out of drugs and they told me I should take a break from tripping for a while, I would try my best to stay away completely for a while and if I did give in I would have at least really toned it down.

It is not your purpose just to die. We are all going to do that someday, so why rush it? Think of the ones you will leave behind. Think about all the experiences you could have in the future if you live. I don't know if any of us are here for a reason but if we are, it is not just to die. If we are here for a reason, the dying part is supposed to happen after our purpose for living has been fulfilled and if we are not here for a reason, we need to find our own reasons and make our own purpose in life.

You really should not want to be a greedy person who does not care about others. Unless you are a psychopath, you will eventually find yourself very unhappy living like that. Maybe it would do you some good to just try to occasionally do a little volunteer work or give things you no longer want/food you don't intend to use to a homeless shelter. Maybe try saving up recyclable material instead of throwing it away. Anything that would represent a positive change in how you treat other people or the planet itself.

Maybe you would find it makes you feel better and maybe that would help you deal with your drug problem more effectively. Research has proven that when someone does things to benefit others, they are happier two weeks and four weeks later with all of them getting a certain amount of money to spend on themselves or others [gifts or charitable donations] but those who spent it on themselves were no happier than before. That is something that could be therapeutic for someone who is depressed or empty or who feels like maybe their purpose on this Earth is to die. I feel bad for you and I hope you can make some positive changes in your life. I know I've never talked to you before but I can relate to a lot of what you are saying and if it means the same thing for you as it did for me when I was feeling that way, it must be fucking painful.

There are days when it's complete misery and self hatred. I have to admit though I've cut down a lot. I only smoke a dime of meth a day... And lately haven't really cared for Heroin it barely does me anything and is more expensive than meth. Honestly there are days when I break down in anger. I wanna cry so bad several days but can't. I can't feel happy anymore. I've gone completely numb. I thought I was always cold hearted and sinister but right now ... I feel like a heartless raging dellerious piece of trash. I dont care about anything else. All my money goes to drugs... My "Lunch" money is my meth high...

DXM is a no no makes me itchy as fuck. And I have stopped taking pills altogether even Tylenol except for my bipolar meds it's been a year since I did anything like that. I've been stuck on heroin and meth for about a year and a half now. Been doing meth everyday for the last few months. I don't remember anything anymore. I just repress everything and don't let anything bug me. I am thinking I'm ADD severely. Meth calms me down, it makes me feel at peace. It clears my head of all the fucked up shit tormenting me like my family whose fucked up. They always start fights. They call me stuffy and whatever they want. They accuse me of being a crack head when that's way off. My uncles pretty much fucked up my life took my childhood made me grow up at age 7 learn about drugs and how they affect you because I used to have to watch him and tell my nana if he was using. I already knew what coke, heroin, crack, meth, percosets, Ritalin, weed, and pcp was... I was forced to know. My uncles all that matters to these fucked up people. That's why I don't give two ducks about anything. I'm just damaged from hurting for so long crying out for help. Why the fuck was that my problem or my job... I always got screwed over because my dad gave everything for him making his own kids go without.

I honestly like not feeling anything anymore. I don't get hurt anymore. I used to be so Fucking sensitive anyone could send me into suicidal mode... I've grown so hardened hollow and numb that I don't care what is at stake. Consequence does not scare me. I have luck or something always have... No matter how fucked I get myself into I always come back up with something better and with a new piece to me. I have been cited so much, but because the ticket was for something I didn't do and because of double jeopardy they couldn't charge me what I did and I got away scotch free. Or I'd hire a bad ads lawyer who got me out of everything.

Don't feel sorry for me mate. I brought it on myself. I deserve it anyways I'm a piece of shit I don't deserve this life or these things I have. I deserve to have been aborted to have been murdered to have been beat to have been sold for drugs... Yet I always got what I needed but only because I fought for it or worked my ass off. I'm a hard worker that's all I'm good for or I'm a delinquent that's the only other thigh I'm good at... There's no going back so I don't even think about it. I don't have any goals anymore no ambitions. I've destroyed my pride with this embarrassing way of life all the things I've confessed to the fact that my dad had to straight up stare me in the eyes as I came clean about shooting up and doing heroin. At first he couldn't believe it... All it took was for me to get my needles, filters, and shoe strings out and he was crushed.

I have been trying though. I at least talk to my family now but barely because I don't wanna start any fights. I donate any change I get back from buying a Monster with a 10 so I'm doing something. I say thank you and hold open the doors. I give my brother shit or buy him energy drinks all day. I have two sides man. The white pure caring people pleaser dedicated caring calm somewhat happy but not really. I act responsible get my shit done. Don't have bad thoughts and want shit in life again. I wanna get better and then I wanna start fixing shit. I tend to go back to old friends who I miss and I'm straight up honest and shameful. It's my weaker side that rarely shines though. My other side... Is a side of me even I'm scared of. Doing stupid shit testing the waters with death and massive doses and bad combos. I fail because I don't care about anything. I don't talk to my family or old friends. I steal and lie like crazy. I get pleasure out of being called a piece of shit it drives me to be accused of drugs and just makes me do them more. I start fights with whoever I want. I sell my stuff. I don't eat or sleep. I feel invincible thus making me dangerous. I will do something as stupid as driving my car drunk on purpose or purposefully making people miserable. I call my mother a Fucking birch and push her away. I break things and make myself bleed. I stab people in the back even the ones who have been there for me for years. I start Fucking with people and playing with them to make them miserable hate life hate me want to end it all. I make them talk shit and then go be a bavkstabber and then I double cross both of them in the end and talk shit to other people and end up making a big mess. But I'm so cunning and good at what I do that when I'm confronted and they think I started shit I simply lie my way through and continue to play with them until they've lost all the friends and their loved ones hate them or are so hurt by them. Then I move on and start Fucking up another group of people... It's because of this that I live in a broken home with a broken family because I make them fight I cause the problems. I am psychotic I'm night and day. I'm clever cunning and always 10 steps ahead in every situation I can think of. I literally plan for what if this or that and end up winning no matter what. I don't deserve to be alive. I'm sure a crippled kid would die to have my life... The smarts, a functional body, the ability to have freedom, money, a job, normal school just the things most of us expect or are given. I know I would kill to give up this body and steal someone's innocence Fucking them over and giving them the body of a psychotic derranged demon kid from Hell who seeks to destroyed rather then build. Who enjoys building his life up and strong walls to help him then in one single moment crushing those walls destroying the postive energy and lettug the negative energy flow like blood. Literally working to destroy myself just for the fuck of it not caring or even hurting or feeling regret about all that was lost. I simply move on and keep my head high.

 

[Tryptamine*Dreamer]

When I read your post, I saw a lot of similarities in how you are now and how I was when I was 16-18 years old and I had a bad childhood, all kinds of bad things from as early as I remember. I did some terrible things, many/most I did because I was following parental instructions and I was put in home school in 5th grade so I had no friends, just the people I lived with who all abused each other, animals, and were emotionally abusive to me.

I lost my ability to feel almost completely, just sometimes being able to care about animals for a long time and then I got that part of my heart back but it took a long time before I was able to really feel like any other people cared about me and I still find it almost impossible to form close friendships with other people even though I want to, but now I have my heart back and I do care for others, humans and animals. I felt so empty and dead before I got that back. You can get back what you lost. You said you used to be really sensitive. I think maybe the painful experiences you have been through have left you feeling the way you do. I will try to post a more helpful thought out message later but I do think you can get back to where you were and at the same time focus your attention and caring on something other than all the ones who have hurt you or continue to do so.

And you do not deserve to die! I read about the things you said you did. You have done a lot of bad things I did not do, but I think I have done worse if I go back long enough.

I am not saying my childhood was as bad as yours - I do not know whose was worse and that is not the point, it seems to have left you in an emotional state that is in a lot of ways very similar to what mine was and I did do quite a few of the same things you did and things you did not do as far as I know. You can work through your pain and forgive yourself for your mistakes. It may be a slow process but don't give up hope yet. You say you are a demon kid from Hell. I think you are just having a hard time coping with the psychiatric, abuse, and drug issues and the sensitive nice person you used to be is still in there and can be brought back if you work at it and want it.

I am glad to hear you are using lesser amounts of drugs. Maybe that could help. I do not know about heroin, but I have used meth and after a large dose wears off I do not feel like I care as much about things as I usually do and I know when I was abusing Benadryl a long time ago it would leave me feeling completely apathetic.

I have a post about my own troubled childhood and some terrible things I did. I do not know if it would help you to know that someone else did things that were just really bad and then came back from that or not. I'll look it up and I will also try to think of everything I have done that helped me to recover from all of that to the extent I have now - I could have done better if I had tried harder but knowing that means I can try harder now.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

When I read your post, I saw a lot of similarities in how you are now and how I was when I was 16-18 years old and I had a bad childhood, all kinds of bad things from as early as I remember. I did some terrible things, many/most I did because I was following parental instructions and I was put in home school in 5th grade so I had no friends, just the people I lived with who all abused each other, animals, and were emotionally abusive to me.

I lost my ability to feel almost completely, just sometimes being able to care about animals for a long time and then I got that part of my heart back but it took a long time before I was able to really feel like any other people cared about me and I still find it almost impossible to form close friendships with other people even though I want to, but now I have my heart back and I do care for others, humans and animals. I felt so empty and dead before I got that back. You can get back what you lost. You said you used to be really sensitive. I think maybe the painful experiences you have been through have left you feeling the way you do. I will try to post a more helpful thought out message later but I do think you can get back to where you were and at the same time focus your attention and caring on something other than all the ones who have hurt you or continue to do so.

And you do not deserve to die! I read about the things you said you did. You have done a lot of bad things I did not do, but I think I have done worse if I go back long enough.

I am not saying my childhood was as bad as yours - I do not know whose was worse and that is not the point, it seems to have left you in an emotional state that is in a lot of ways very similar to what mine was and I did do quite a few of the same things you did and things you did not do as far as I know. You can work through your pain and forgive yourself for your mistakes. It may be a slow process but don't give up hope yet. You say you are a demon kid from Hell. I think you are just having a hard time coping with the psychiatric, abuse, and drug issues and the sensitive nice person you used to be is still in there and can be brought back if you work at it and want it.

I am glad to hear you are using lesser amounts of drugs. Maybe that could help. I do not know about heroin, but I have used meth and after a large dose wears off I do not feel like I care as much about things as I usually do and I know when I was abusing Benadryl a long time ago it would leave me feeling completely apathetic.

I have a post about my own troubled childhood and some terrible things I did. I do not know if it would help you to know that someone else did things that were just really bad and then came back from that or not. I'll look it up and I will also try to think of everything I have done that helped me to recover from all of that to the extent I have now - I could have done better if I had tried harder but knowing that means I can try harder now.

We might as well be twins. I never had friends couldn't trust anyone because everyone always tried to hard and I just got annoyed with people. I barely scratched the surface. There's a lot of bad history. A lot of it could have Been avoided. Growing up I was always alone just lost in my thoughts was suicidal already at that time and I didn't know why, but it's different now because I am lethal to myself if I really tried too. But not interested. Yes a 10 a day keeps me up and brings the euphoria just no ringing ears jaw clenching talking to much pretty low tweak I get 1.5 points usually for 10 so a low dose. Smoke it on foil and rip it in big rips holding it in and breathing in and out slowly letting it all out. Filling my closet with smoke easily. I usually then just suck up water like a straw to use the shit that crystallized on the tooter. I don't like bubbles anymore I think foil gets me high quick then I go about my day stay up til 3-4 pass out til 9 and go to work ? I was just a dumbass. Instead of playing with other kids I'd throw huge rocks at peoples feet until I broke three of this girls toes. Or at wind shields usually just people I knew and I'd sneak out all the time and steal shit. Or break Windows and run. I spray painted my house with weed leafs and broke all the Windows just cause? Back when I liked booze which was like 7-9th grade. So 15ish I'd slam a big bottle of Tvarski and go to school buzzed and nearly pass out but I had it covered good no liq smell ever no stumbling. I stole my dad's cars several times at night too and banged one of them to hell. My dad would always cry and complain so I slashed his tires and took 100$ and sold some of his tools between stealing and selling stuff I had $3600 which went to pills, booze, heroin, meth, and weed. I spent that in three days and partied for three. So much weed we smoked almost 5-6 ounces and then I sold a few. Then I made a vice principal who quit because I "Caused her to many problems", got her husband fired for stealing the locker room keys and codes lol and over 2000$ those were the days. and of course I always get away with stuff. No one suspected me or suspects me. I'm the kind of guy who will steal from people and help them look for it. Then if there bitching crush up Vicodin and a little bit of coke and put a little salt and get rid of it as meth more meth lol Salt to burn, coke to bring them up somewhat, and vicodin so they'll zone out and be chill. and Dad didn't care about school so he called in when I told him to. I got caught shoplifting 6-7 times now. 5 of them were me just being dumb and bored and wanting to do some thing stupid to pass time. I literally took the shit in front of the workers ran from them around the store spill shit and then I'd casually try to walk out but would get a rush of adrenaline when I got stopped and then laugh when confronted and straight up open what I stole and if they try to take it throw it on the ground and kick it and be like want it have it if your going to cry. The other two times are because I went with Fucking dumbasses who tried jacking shit with spiderwires and didn't cut them or dip it in water... I never got into trouble for any of those. I was getting rid of Heroin there for a bit when I was a Junior. stopped though after 3 guns were pulled on me pretty much like fuck that shit and got jacked once because they punched me in the back of the head and in the stomach making it hard to move. was taking this shit like Ritalin at the time so I had to much energy. I don't know how but after I was 15-16 I started getting connected with people. I guess I just scared myself. Or traumatized myself. I was 16 and very suicidal I hated everything about myself. Tried to OD on percosets and sleeping pills took 6 10's thought it'd stop my breathing because I took the whole bottle of sleeping pills there was like 50... But I ended up having a very euphoric high delerium because it had DPH in it. Idk how I survived. Or a few weeks after I had my dad's rifle to my head leaded with a hollow tip... Fucking pulled the trigger and within a split second gun bounces away from me and blows a big hole through the wall that's still there lol it's a mystery to my parents but not to me. I sold my dad's knives and magazines. Then his scope. I jacked like 150 dollars worth of pills from my grandparents on both sides they used to be loaded. Percosets, yellow jackets, Roxys, Dilantin, Oxytocin, Clazepam, Neurontin, Xanax, and my favorite Ritalin. I was in love with that shit until I found meth eventually and woahhh raised hell but calmed down now. I smoke crack with my uncle on the DL every now and then he gets rid of that shit so I smoke free. When I quit dope last June he got me half a gram and I smoked it in a night and slammed Tvarski. On meth one time I had broken into this dude's car lol and was just zoned out when the cops came. All I had to do was pay the window which was easy only 700 which wasn't much and then some fines but that's it could've been worse tho wasn't to tweaked just dellerious got past probation by claiming dehydration which was legit at the hospital and they didn't even know because no blood as drawn. At my sister graduation I got my 11 year old cousin Fucking wasted.... Felt bad later but none of us got in trouble. Then we did it again next year. At mine I smoked meth with him. I was on a meth rage one time and went off on the Principal and vice principal my senior year. In the morning I had gotten caught with a pipe Apple. She tried to suspend me because I split it in three and me and my acquaintances ate it. She was kissed and wanted to expel me. Then I go to class til lunch where I ditched. I was about to be kicked out bc I had over 70 abscenece unexcused Which meant I ditched. But anyways my dad called in and she got kissed so she goes and runs across the street and I'm all smoking a cigarette and she tries to press charges. Made that bitch look stupid later on in court lol lol that day I told it how it is straight calling the lady a Fucking stupid nosey bitch. Threatening to get the bitch for unnecessary invasion of privacy. My parents came and got me and no one said a word we just left and I was kicked out from February on. But had good grades so I pretty much got 3 months more of summer and still graduated. I lit my grandma's van on fire when me and my brother smoked for the first time because I let a cherry fall in some papers and it was just perfect or something. I could keep going man but it's to Mich. I honestly smoked weed later on like at 16 and a half. Started with pills then heroin then meth. Then quit on my own because I was dying and getting thin. I was like almost 17 but I quit and was also quiting my antidepressants so Fucking that withdrawal... Worst ever. But I found weed weed few weeks before and it saved my life for 2 months I'd smoke just weed. But that stopped bc I needed dope. But ever since Then been smoking.

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

I grew up similar to man. Mom and dad always fighting and for a time drinking and pretty much putting us in the room while they partied. I was the middle kid so treated like shit. Brother always snitched so I hated him. Sister was a stuck up bitch and stank like something nasty all the time. Anyways. No matter what happened I'd be the one getting yelled at. If I didn't do what they said I'd be yelled at til I was crying scared and feeling like I was hated. Then I didn't have a choice never only excuse is because I said so. If I cried I'd get locked in the room or hit with a leather belt across the face a few times. Or slapped. Dad always just talked about how he wanted better family and better kids. Gave up everything just for my uncle. I went several years wearing the same clothes and shoes because I was Ungrateful and snobby but it was bc I was cutting at the time so I wanted all long black shirts but he wanted short sleeve striped ugly shit. So naturally I start to piss him off. Eventually we just leave because we're shouting really loud and I'm starting to throw shit down. And talking shit to my dad bc he's a drunk. But they stopped drinking bc he pulled a gun in my mom and her bro and shot but missed em both but he almost got prison time and they were gonna get divorced. Honestly felt happy at that moment. But they worked it out after a month but best month ever was like he was dead. Then he came back so I was back to the same. They were horrible parents. I went three years with abcessed teeth and finally just lost them. I was given cold meds to knock me out bc they were tired. When I was crying no one cared just left me to cry. Then wen I asked for something it was a huge deal so I started learning to get my own shit by jacking money from my family. If I was loud at the store I'd be taken home and hit across the face with the belt but until he stopped. I've gotten into several fist fights with my brother and dad. I destroyed one of our bathrooms one time and was sent away for 2 months. When they wanted to go out which was all the time. I'd have to go to some crack whores house who let me have cigarettes but that stopped wen that lady had a heart attack... I thought she was just playing being young and stupid then parents show up and are freaking out thinking I killed her bc I'm such a bad person when she just died naturally. I went 4 years doing drugs before they noticed and 2 YEARS drinking. Even now it's the same. Everyone's always screaming all day an night and fighting and talking shit and yelling and getting into fights. So I ran away 4 times and made it all the way to Denver from where I live hitchhiking but I also got charged as a runaway two times. But I would just do that go sleep in the park or break my dad's Windows to his car and sleep in there or the shed in the back. Or I'd pass out at the dealers but wasn't going home for 3-4 days at a time. Then wen I did go home I'd sleep for a few days. That stopped tho wen I started fainting bc I fainted near the river and was close to going in at 4 am and was found by joggers who took me to the er and shit. It's been horibble yet an adventure there's still a lot repressed or forced out of my head. Bc I became fucked up depressed suicidal cut myself didn't eat or sleep for days at 17 bc someone who I trusted and knew for a grip died from an OD. Knew then since grade school but started chilling in 7 th grade and then using drugs with in 8th grade. It was horrible bc they were my best friend for a time. They knew how it was to hurt bc his dad beats his mom brutally and used to him. I had a partner in crime to help me with me schemes but was like losing a brother. Bc I barely know my little brother family was so distant. ,

 

[ThatSpaceyKid]

Sorry for the long response just alot to say. Lol typing this up on my phone. That's why there's a lot of typos and bc my hands are cramping up bc I'm hurting for Heroin but am trying to go a week or two so I can get high again... Watching others nod out sucks. all of it... Laptops dead. Animals Ye they can help. I have a 1 year old boxer whose a good friend and is there, but... He pisses me the fuck off like straight up eating my matress my shoes my socks chords any food around him. He drags me down the street bc he's to big for me to walk. It's good he's a nice dog bc he's HUGE and would probly be able to kill if he was mean. I feel you. I feel bad I'm always to busy for him nowadays or tweaked out on my phone zoned out. Anyways man I'm going to sleep now got work at 9

 

[badfish45]

Im really sorry that all of that has happened to you. I hope you can build your own life one day away from your family if they are that destructive. I just wish you wouldn't take that as a reason to do bad things to people. You seriously do deserve love, and you're not hopelessly lost. I can't understand your perspective, but I can understand that you're a human being and dont deserve to self destruct or be hurt.