why do I do this to myself

[tocooperate]

I'm geeked out and crying in the garage , i spenD most nights in the garage , smoking myself stupid and miserable, hoping my mom isn't.awake yet so I can sneak back upstairs. tonight I played guitar, I haven't touched my piano in years..and i sounded good again ... after wee ks of being scared that it wouldn't come back

but i didn't want to fade so I took more amps and all of sudden its 3 days later and im scared its gonna happen again why did I do this, now I can't stop crying , why does this feel like the only way to be happy I hate myself and never want vto stop being good at the only thing I'm good at.being numb and boring is all I've known for so long..

 

[motiv311]

I am like you , addicted to amphetamines + music (writing music) .... the whole up and down back n forth... .manic crazy , confusing, packed with art and melody..... crying tears of happiness thanking the universe for my existence and for music , thanking the universe that i am young and can do hard drugs endowed with a WASPY upbringing and the knowledge to bring about altered states safely, for a temporary suspension of disbelief, fears, death, decay etc. etc.

 

[Colonel Contin]

I'm often terrified that I've lost myself through my addiction. I think we give up so much of our identity in order to protect our vices, it's tough to cling to anything in particular. For example, I can still play the guitar, but my writing has gotten so stale it seems lifeless. I think that if you're interested in recovery, you might have to shift your focus from what you can salvage or unearth to what you can learn or discover. You may emerge a better musician than ever if you ride it out, but you'll never be the person you were before your addiction so it stands to reason that you'll never be the musician you were prior to your addiction. That doesn't mean you've lost everything, just that you've changed. I think it's a mistake to hold yourself to an ideal that was most likely manufactured/fabricated to some degree to begin with - the person you remember yourself being is a concept and doesn't exist. Take what you've learned and try to grow, and don't get discouraged while you're in recovery - your passions will begin to stir when you least expect it. If you love music, allow it to inform your recovery and allow your recovery to inform your music.

I know all of this shit sounds cheesy, but I truly believe it. Anyhow, that's my recovery rant, but I've also been thinking about this... I think recovery ruins a lot of career musicians because they become so entrenched in the 'higher power' dogma that being 'saved' becomes the major theme within their music. People that can relate to salvation are not really a target audience for dark, downtrodden rock and roll music. If Elliot smith had started writing pop songs about salvation, people would have shit themselves (I could give a shit less about Elliot Smith, but you get the point). It seems like musicianship is rarely the issue. It's all about the frame of mind. There are plenty of people that have given up their vices and continue to produce brilliant art. Generally these people's careers didn't completely revolve around their drug-lifestyles, so it doesn't have to make a difference. If you're Elliot Smith and you want to quit heroin and continue to sell albums to depressed teenagers then forget it, but if your music and your drug use aren't mutually, exclusively reliant upon one another I don't think you have a thing to worry about. (sorry if that last bit seems discouraging, but these are my honest reflections on musicians in recovery)

 

[motiv311]

i think its weird cause mozart was batshit crazy , so was Handel and beethoven..... seems like they all had fantastic manias where they would be practically hallucinating and delusional (possiibly on drugs?) and also consumed with a particular piece and the composition of it.... as if they had to write that song more than they needed air!

Now I get like this, but i am NOT mozart, and even if i try to "pin it down" for three days like a tweaker on a mission, abosulutely manic, ; i never can seem to muster the organizational disposition to definitively FINISH something ( like finish the entire song w/ lyrics and everything, finish the recording of a track as in ready for airplay, export the video file of the music video etc etc)

so i would usually end up coming down so hard, frail , joints cracking, eyes bloodshot, etc, in the pursuit of musical achievments and excellence as a RECORDING artist....

for the past 2 years I've focused solely on my abilities as a PERFORMANCE artist, I.E. being in "the zone" a master of flow, emotions supple and accessible for audiences. Also writing songs on the spot, or freestyling lyrics in song form or rap form, improvising is my number one ability. I can sing and play piano / guitar and write entire sketches / songs effortlessly when i'm "flipped on" ---- which requires drugs in precise dosages with rigorous scheduling and other allowances....

I feel like the way I go about this stuff is always evolving, and where as my goal was to be famous lol when i was younger, in the past couple years the intrinsic value (doing it for arts sake alone) has really freed me up , liberated me.... i perform twice a week, make youtube videos , do less drugs, (so i can do more) and feel better about everything

 

[tocooperate]

thank you friends, and sorry it kinda got more emotional than my art could funnel... reading your stories saved me last night, I can't thank you enough.

I'm often terrified that I've lost myself through my addiction. I think we give up so much of our identity in order to protect our vices, it's tough to cling to anything in particular.

Now I get like this, but i am NOT mozart, and even if i try to "pin it down" for three days like a tweaker on a mission, abosulutely manic, ; i never can seem to muster the organizational disposition to definitively FINISH something ( like finish the entire song w/ lyrics and everything, finish the recording of a track as in ready for airplay, export the video file of the music video etc etc)

this was me last night, take after take forcing tempos and fighting SO HARD to finish just...one fucking Verse in time.. it's a girl that started me back on this path, and i wanna show her it's working, that she's made me whole once again.. but maybe she's not waiting at all. maybe she won't care if that one part tracks awkwardly.. but I do SO MUCH


reading back each of our stories, I feel I must share some lyrics that now make alarming sense to me:

"we were only 15 / when we had to shake the shadow
of a spirit drifting / and learn to dance
in a world where there's no tomorrow"

Andrew McMahon - Learn to Dance