If I can't feel good, I don't want to feel anything

[PharmGirl77]

I've been off heavy dose oxy (900 mg/day) for about 3 months now. Had good days and bad. Physical withdrawals long gone. I just want to feel good. Not high, not out of my mind....just happy, content, a sense of well-being.

I'm on wellbutrin and lexapro, I know that probably helps, but I'm just so blah.
I've screwed around with tramadol and T4's in a pathetic attempt to feel something. I didn't. ..and I'm glad, I guess. After the tolerance I had, I might as well have been eating candy.

I hate who I am. I don't want to feel anything, unless it's good. I just want to put my head under my pillow and sleep. But I can't do that. I have a family, a job, a house. I'm 37 years old. What is my fucking problem? I have a good life, and I'm on the brink of screwing it all up. I've got a bunch of benzos right now. Lately I've been taking them to feel better. ..aka numb. They make me tired though. ..which isn't good when you're having people over in 3 hours for a birthday dinner.

Sorry guys. I know I'm being a major whiner. I just didn't have anybody else to say this to.

 

[phactor]

Life brings an array of emotions and feelings. But feelings cannot hurt you, only actions can. Its just not possible to always feel good.

What is your family saying? Work? Your house? Does anyone else know you are struggling?

Getting off drugs is the first step, simply quitting drugs doesn't make me "happy" though.

 

[tigerlillie]

I couldn't be more in agreement with what you're saying Pharmgirl.
I'm a farm girl, and if I'm honest, your post sounds like something I could have written. That sounds just like me.
I just don't seem to have anything that makes me happy, I have one day of holding back the tears, followed by another, and another. I cope by somehow just shutting myself off...i know that if it's just me then I can cope. I kind of ride a wave though of peaks of troughs, the peaks are fine, normally when i'm training well at rowing and business is good, and so on. But literally the smallest thing can send me down into a massive trough that might last for like a month and that's when the drugs start calling, just to numb that shit out and try to get me some motivation, and some happiness and so on.

I just tend to neck a load of codeine and go to bed and try to "start again tomorrow"
i have drugs tests as part of the rowing calendar so until I quit rowing I can't really take much by way of stimulant.

It's shit isn't it?!
If you wanna talk, then PM and me and I'll give you my phone number. Just talking to someone new can cheer you up I think!

 

[simco]

PharmGirl, glad you posted. i think lots of us are feeling like that. no doubt, staying clean is a long slog. if it's any consolation, i'm slogging with you (as are many others... though i'm nowhere NEAR your 3-month clean streak). keep up the good work.

-Sim

 

[Daystar]

I am there with you all. I am actively trying to kick a 600 mg/day Oxy habit and it's killing me. As you said, it mine as well be candy. I am 34, successful, lifes going well aside from this. I would like to talk to you Pharmgirl about the doseages you were taking and what it did/is doing to you pre/post. See PM.

 

[BlueSaffron]

I agree that quitting drugs doesnt just instantly make you happy. They cause so many problems in our lives that it's forgiveable to think "If I could just quit, everything would be great". But the truth is most of us took them to block out some negative emotion, be it horrific child abuse or just a vague sense of ennui and something being missing. Quitting drugs takes away your drug troubles (lack of money, low self esteem, health problems, legal problems, waking up sick), but it doesn't fill the hole that you were trying to fill in the first place. Thats why they say the real work begins AFTER you get clean, not while you're kicking/tapering.

What's the answer? IMO it's just figuring out what would make you happy.

Give yourself permission to be completely honest with yourself, even if it's just for 15 minutes, and ask yourself, in a perfect world, if I could wave a magic wand and create the perfect life, what would it look like?

Sometimes we're unhappy but we're so convinced there's no way to change things that we block out what's making us unhappy, because to confront it is too scary and/or painful.

- Maybe the degree you worked and sweated and borrowed for brought you to a career that makes you miserable... but now you have a family and feel obligated to stay in that field

- maybe you're gay and have been trying to force yourself to be straight

-maybe you live life as a stoner hippie type but all you really want to do is get a high powered job, get married and buy a condo

-maybe youre have a high powered job and you really want to drop out, smoke weed, find a hippie girl and have six babies

-maybe you aren't in love with your partner, but there's nothing ::wrong:: with them per se - theyre a good person, attractive, loyal.. but you arent IN love. Theres no passion.. but you feel guilty about leaving because you can't even really explain why except to say "I dont love you".

-maybe you're happy in your job and relationship and have great hobbies, but still feel empty, and honestly dont know what would make you happy. You may have become so good at distracting yourself and making yourself think you're happy that you have no idea what would REALLY make you happy

-maybe you have past trauma to work through

-maybe it's something not on this list


Facing this stuff is hard. But if you want to live a fulfilled and happy life I feel its necessary, and I speak from experience because I'm going through it right now. Two years ago I got off methadone, and a lot of things were going right in my life, but a few important ones weren't. Looking from the outside it seems like I shouldve been able to stay clean, but I relapsed within a couple days, because the hole the drugs had papered over was still there.

TL;DR - you have to figure out what what you TRULY want in life, what'll make you happy, and go after it, and/or deal with past trauma. Otherwise you're always going to be looking for something to numb that gnawing sense that your life isn't all it could be.

 

[neurotic]

firstly i'd wean off the psych meds... they are trash

then well, start by doing WHATEVER and let yourself feel something. i swear it works! my first suggestions are drawing and reading. at first it may seem like just a simple pointless distraction from death, but if you dont find it absurdly annoying, you can get into it. but let yourself get into it you know... dont keep saying ugh this sucks i want to get high. try to concentrate. i can give you a million suggestions of things to do but the important is try. drawing, reading, writing, cooking. i guess they're all based on learning something new that can turn into a hobby.

OR WHY DONT YOU GO SKYDIVING like seriously. im one hundred percent sure you will FEEL SOMETHING

and while you do this, the most important is that you're letting your addiction behind and starting to build a life without opiates

good luck

 

[simco]

firstly i'd wean off the psych meds... they are trash

I'm going to offer exactly the opposite advice. (I'm assuming the wellbutrin and lexapro are actually prescribed to you... if not, then that's a different story.)

Sure, contemporary anti-depressants can be bunk for some people. But consider what's changed in PharmGirl's life. I'd say kicking opiates is the *obvious* culprit in her anhedonia. True, it's long-lived in this case, but that could be due to many reasons.

Sure, quitting prescribed anti-depressants will indeed have some kind of effect. But I doubt it would be a good one. Those drugs can be incredibly helpful for many people. Please don't bail on them without talking to your doctor.
-Sim

 

[PharmGirl77]

I'm going to offer exactly the opposite advice. (I'm assuming the wellbutrin and lexapro are actually prescribed to you... if not, then that's a different story.)

I won't. I've struggled with anxiety and depression all my life. I finally went to the doctor and was put on zoloft about ten years ago. It was after I quit taking it that I started using hydro, then oxy. It wasn't right away, it was a slow progression to a deeper, darker place. I don't think it was a coincidence....

But psych meds are only half the solution. I need to do my part too (exercise, eat healthy, etc). I know there's stuff I can do to help myself, but I just can't seem to muster up the energy or desire to do so. Which just makes me feel worse about myself.

I am both my problem and my solution.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

It sounds like u need to start trying to quiet your mind.start meditating and introduce positive thinking to your thought process..u have to be optimistic to have a chance to be happy in your life..i started meditating and studying buddhism and it really helped.

.its like my mind was always screaming at me,now it quietly whispers..all suffering comes from our sense of thought..if u are here in The present moment not worried about who u could of been or who u will be u are totally free and ur mind is yours to use mindfulness to control your mind and not let it control you

after comin back to the real world off opiates u have to realize life is hard..its full of stress,fear,and doubt but u cant give up and just hide away u are blessed to have this life and u shouldnt hate who u are i bet u are a great person who just lost thier way a little bit..i hope u are feeling better and i will send some love your way %)

 

[phactor]

firstly i'd wean off the psych meds... they are trash

Extremely dangerous advice. I would suggest that it be ignored.