Suicide - I Don't even care anymore

[noreason41]

Story.
Used to be a massive synthetic weed smoker, quit June 8th 2014 after 4 years. So coming close to 12 onths clean.
been using a bit of meth recently but nothing too much.
Broke up with ex in feb, started getting back together, ending again now.
Have ruined so many opportunities in my life, eg; failing uni by not aattending for the 4th time.
Have no idea what i want to do with my life.
Crashed my car by microsleeping behind the wheel into parked car.

Constantly thinking of suicide now.
I just have total apathy for everything.
Nothing is enjoyable anymore, (i've been on mirtazapine for 9 months).
Don't want anything.

I just feel bad for my family and the people who care about me, but i really don't see a point of wasting my time here anymore.
it's like i just want a fresh start. I hate everything. I hate everything about society. I hate everything about mosst people.
I don't use drugs excessively at all, in fact the meth i've done a few times in past few weeks is the limit. Just hate it all.

I know i can go to a helpline, and get either more AD's or get told how wonderful life is. But it's not. It's a bag of shit, and when you unwrap it..it's just another bag of shit.

 

[herbavore]

Story....

i just want a fresh start.

OP, I won't try to tell you how wonderful life is or how everything is going to get better. Sometimes it sucks and from what you have said, I'm sure I would feel the same way in your shoes.e overwhelmed by the misery

But I was very struck by that one little line in what you wrote since that is usually how I see suicidal feelings: the person doesn't necessarily want to die but he or she sure as hell wants the life he or she is living to die.

So how do you change a life when you are so beaten down that you are in that apathetic state? For me the only thing that ever worked was rekindling some sort of relationship with nature. The human paradigm can be so horrific that any sane and sensitive person is bound to be overwhelmed by it (happens to me almost in a predictable cycle). Seeing a larger picture outside of our own existence is, strangely, a portal back to a very necessary component to living--a sense of connection. It's a paradox that getting completely outside yourself can lead you to your true self but IME that's what it takes. The ego is always crying for attention and it gets exhausting. Have you ever thought of simply taking off with a backpack and hiking alone for a few days?

There are a lot of factors that put you in the thought spiral you are in--losing a relationship, feeling like a failure, crashing your car, being on drugs that sap your will and energy--but these are all temporary happenings. There is a deeper level and on that plane you are just fine. You are not imprisoned or ill or in danger except in your thoughts and perceptions. These thoughts and perceptions create your reality. What about giving yourself a chance to rest from all the fatalistic thoughts?

The mirtazapine might have a lot to do with what you are feeling.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

You probably won't believe it, but just by existing you are probably enriching many people's lives. If you don't believe that's true, do some volunteering and see if you feel the same.

I was having intrusive suicidal thoughts for months but luckily I seem to be one of the few citalopram works for.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

The joy about life is u can start over whenever u want, u can change right now and be whoever u want to be...the past is only recognized from what u show of it in the present moment..its not tangible so stop carrying around with u..decide what brings u pleasure and go for it..if u cannot find pleasure then your expectations are prob to high..but dont worry u can change that too.

.life is truly what u make of it and only u can help yourself.do some soul searching and try to find something uare passionate about..mine is helping people..i too thought i was a lost cause but i thought i might as well help others if im goin to keep living.and after helping people and feeling good about myself i developed a more positive way of thinking.and i spread that positive way of thinking throughout my being..all that negative chatter will tear u up from the inside which it sounds like it is..life is hard as it is, why not be your best friend instead of your worst enemy.stop thinking u are entitled to have this life,it is a privilege so treat it as such

 

[Eyregirl]

I truely hope you are doing ok as I am aware you posted yesterday.
Life can really be shit, and it often seems like it kicks us when we are down, but you can get back up, you have that strength in you somewhere to stand back up.

And it may feel like you have wasted opertunities, but focusing on what you view as past failures will not help you move forward.
that being said it seems that for you right now you don't need to know what you want to do with your life, concentrate on each moment, on each day. keep an open heart and mind that maybe just maybe one of those moments may bring you fleeting glimpses of hope, contentment, joy, happiness, freedom and possibility.

A new way, a fresh start can happen any time we want it to. It's a scary, daunting and overwhelming process, and many people choose to stay with what they know, but we really do all have the potential to find who we really are and learn to love and be proud of who we are scars and all.
I am speaking from personal experience when I say it's amazing how different the world and being part of it feels when you truely value who you are and what you can offer the world just by being you.

i am aware that my response may come across a little cliche but please know it's from my heart. You have a value and a worth, even if you can't see it or believe it I promise you you do.

I will finish with a quote I read the other day that moved me to my very core.

"By being yourself, you put something wonderful in the world that was not there before". (Edwin Elliot)

 

[LilikoiMoon]

You may or may not believe this, but just listen, and think deeply about what I am going to say....

(Synthetic weed)
A 18 yr old I knew, with zero history of mental illness/depression changed in the 2 weeks he used it. Within 2 weeks, he was dead. An avid gun user, he was extremely cautious with his guns...cleaning, unloading, safely locking them away. After using SW, he became fascinated with the guns and a game if russian roulette cost him his life. He died 40 minutes after the gunshot wound to his head. He NEVER would have ever played RR before, but the SW did something to him.

Two more deaths followed of young, local people using SW. One jumped from a building, the other killed playing car surfing.

How does this relate to you?
Because synthetic weed and meth are pure shit..shit that's changing your brain chemistry for the worse. This shit is making you depressed and suicidal. Do you believe this? Just go back, observe, you'll see.

I don't know how old you are, nor will I ask, but I can tell you for males, teen years/early 20's are trying times hormonally, socially, etc. , more so than it is for girls/young women at times. Life can be hard as hell, but you've either got to be willing to fix the internal before changing the external. You can't catch the bus, please, not yet!



1. Evaluate everything ... Abstain from thay synthetic shit/meth for a while, give your mind and body time to heal.

2. Talk to a Dr. about possibly taking some anti depressants, or something. Be cautious about which AD's you take, though, as some can make you have suicidal thoughts. (Celexa is one)

3. Find reasons to live vs a reason to die. No girl/relationship is worth killing yourself over. They will move on asap, believe that. No job, fight, hard time is worth it either. Life can change for the better as long as you're willing to stick it through.

All the best. Trust me, I've been there more times than you know. After my baby was murdered, I wanted to die. Life changed, as time passed I began to look at life differently. You can too!

Hugs,
Lili

 

[noreason41]

To update those who are/were following.
4 days later, and i'm mostly past the worst of it now. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but most of the issues have some sort of a solution (mid-long term) to them now. Now it's fighting those inner demons more then anything else.
Haven't used meth in over a week, which is fine, but it's that occasional craving that does me.
Like right now, i could get some delivered, don't really have a reason not to either. Aside from the fact that i know i'll be better off if i don't do it, i just know i'll wake up tomorrow (it's 11:30pm here atm) and be significantly happier for it.
But then it's so easy to rationalize why i should just be allowed to do it tonight. Except that one is too many and a million is never enough.
I haven't made my mind up on it as of yet, I guess the biggest draw is that i've been feeling shit for a while, and the idea of feeling good (chemically or not) is just so appealing.

Herbavore, i'm interested as to why you think the mirtazapine could be the cause?
I've been on it since basically when i stopped smoking synth (Note: I smoked the real herb for the majority of the 4 years, the synth was only really the tail end of a couple of months of the addiction), and i've found it's been nothing but good to me.

I genuinely appreciate all the replies to my original thread. I haven't been a major reader of bluelight or TDS for years and years now, but a major reason as to why i made that post was because i remember the genuine helpfulness of the people on here.

I sympathise with what most of you said, and have said it to many another person in my life, just every now and then it all feels too much.
When that self pity comes in, and the idea of having to put effort in to feeling or becoming better just seems like it's all a bit too hard.

I guess it's just:
I just want to score some meth, have someone tell me it'll all be okay, it's fine, there'll be no repercussions and by the end of a couple day binge, i'll wake up and everything will be like it was a few weeks ago. I know it won't, and i know resisting what's happening is not the way to go.

 

[IndustrialStrength]

Herbavore, i'm interested as to why you think the mirtazapine could be the cause?

Also interested, I'm in a bad place myself & was recently forced on this medication. I've found it makes my Klonopin not work.
My opiate withdrawals (long story read my other posts in threads in TDS/Mental Health) which I shouldn't even have as I'm in Pain Management, much worse & hit even quicker.

I've found it just makes me sluggish & tired, but at the same very anxious, agitated & feel kinda like I'm twacked.
Also I've always had anger issues but have been able to control them.
My father had them & was abusive, but haven't had any anger issues in probably 10-15 years.
Since going on Remeron I'm in a rage.
I honestly don't know if I could stop myself from physically hurting someone if they pushed me the wrong way.
Prior to Remeron it wasn't even a question. I was known for for being laid back in general.
And since this is a suicide thread I had a recent "attempt" if you wanna call it that.
Had people not interfered I wouldn't be posting at this point anyways, but as for the "attempt" well that's a whole different story.
My actual cocktail was destroyed. So after that it was just a so called cry for help.
As I know my pharmacology & without my cocktail it was just a waste of time.
I guess that's related enough to suicide that it lets me post in the thread to ask my question right?
If not sorry OP don't mean to derail ya, but you seem interested as well.

If you wanna know more details about my situation just read some of my posts I've made lately.
Aas I didn't make an actual thread regarding the situation but I post novels, so it's easily found.
Perhaps I should though & just consolidate the damn thing into something coherent.

Anyways back to the Remeron, I've also noticed a sense of Apathy.
As in I'm totally ready to just end it all, completely hopeless situation, nothing to look forward to.
In all honesty it'd be for the best.
But since being on this Remeron I just don't seem to care enough to even put in the effort to make the misery end. it's like I just don't fucking care. It's more like I might as well just keep suffering & spend the next 30 years rotting away.
I'm assuming it's the Remeron as that seems to be the most likely culprit.
I've had issues with TCA's in the past (Trazadone made me hallucinate) though Remeron is a TeCA & a NaSSA.
Though anything that affects NA or A tends to fuck with me from past experience. Perhaps that's the issue.
Though the fact that my GABA drugs have been cut back as well as my Opiates might be a factor, I'm still getting enough to keep me half ass out of withdrawals for a portion of the day but not enough to not spend at least 8-12 hours a day sick as fuck.
As for the GABA's they cut out Soma x3 daily & Valium 5mg x3 daily, but I would think that the 2mg Klonopin x3 Daily would be enough to cover any sort of GABA issues I would have?

Though I apologize & digress, getting off Remeron topic again & the rest is available for those that are interested in other threads.
So back to the Remeron I also find it is making me eat to the point of sickness.
According to my spreadsheets, I went from approx. 750 calories a day to 3500+ a day, I've gained 15 pounds in the last 10 days. I will eat till I feel like shit or start dry heaving (am on Zofran (Onandestron) as well) plus the anti-emetic properties of the Mirtazapine I don't vomit.
So even though I'm full to the point of sickness, I still feel hungry & often will continue to eat.
Hell I find myself waking up in the middle of the night & eating Peanut Butter Cups, Skittles, whatever the hell I happen to have put on my nightstand knowing that I'd have a midnight sugar craving.
Not sure what I have my values set at but, again in my spreadsheet for last week I was at 600% of weekly value for Sugar, not good.

So please elaborate on the Mirtazapine & my apologies to the OP & others in thread for once again writing a novel.
I'm not on any stimulants of any type, I just tend to be extremely verbose.
Regardless to the OP glad to hear your doing better & I wish you the best.
I truly mean that, your situation doesn't sound like something you can't get out of.
If you put your mind to it & really want to improve your state I personally believe you can from what you've said.
Feel free to PM if you ever just need to talk or if there's anything I can do for you.
I hope that things work out better for you. Hell for the best even though that's cliched,

 

[Colonel Contin]

There are a ton of reports linking the use of mitrazapine and suicidal ideation. This seems common with a lot of serotonin regulating antidepressants (NaSSAs, SNRIs, and SSRIs), and seems especially common with mitrazapine for some reason. Maybe ask your doctor about a down-taper in conjunction with amitriptyline so you can jump off or switch meds. That seems to have worked for some people. Most say that the amplified depression/anxiety and thoughts of suicide were greatly reduced when they switched medications or jumped off the mitrazapine. The drug is obviously not at the root of all your problems, but it could be making them worse. I wish you the best in your continued recovery. Try not to lose hope while you find a course of treatment that works for you.

 

[GetMeBackToNormal]

Fight those inner demons, stop the drug use, medical or not, they're all the devil's drugs, [until you're old, that's when you take what the doctors prescribe you], stick to therapy, stay strong, your family loves you, you love your family, sooner or later, you'll get better, quick or not, you will get better.

 

[IndustrialStrength]

^ You can go ahead & ignore this poster & his preaching unless for some reason you find it to be useful advice...

@ Colonol Contin I'm aware of most of the studies that u mention but was unaware that Mirtazapine was of particular concern as opposed to any of the other Anti-D's. Do you have any links to studies &/or journal articles that might shed some light on the issue?

As like I said I was aware of the suicidal risks involved in Anti-D's but had never heard that Mirtazapine in particular was of greater risk as opposed to any other Serotonin regulating agent. Also why do u suggest amitriptyline in conjunction with the down taper to jump/switch? Just curious as to your reasoning.

I myself found Mirtazipine to reduce my suicidal urges as it made me more apathetic to where I don't really care enough to bother taking the effort to do myself in. Note this is after what some would call a recent suicide attempt again more info in other threads. As a matter of fact I really should just post a thread consolidating it to make it easier for other posters interested in my issues. But I digress on that & back to the question at hand.

If anything Mirtazipine has made me sluggish, overly hungry to the point where I eat till I'm sick & eat some more, as in going from approx 750 calories a day to 3500+ according to my spreadsheets, agitated, angry in a manner that I can barely contain (have anger issues in family, father was abusive before he died, but I've controlled them & not had any issues for 10-15 years till forced onto Mirtazapine after a recent hospital stay), but mainly apathetic to where I just don't give a fuck.

I had most of my meds cut at hospital & am in Opiate withdrawals after years of high dose usage which I'm sure affects things. Also the reduction in my GABA medications doesn't help, but still take 3x2mg Klonopin per day, with little to no effect since starting Mirtazapine. Basically I just want to get my disability, get an apartment, & shoot my Pain Management scripts if I still have them after I see my doc Monday (here's hoping!) & order RC's shoot them to, & rot away till I pass.

Where as prior to Mirtazapine I wanted to either end my suffering or find some way to feel good enough to help my girl & have some quality of life no matter how hard I had to fight. So I'm curious on it's reputation for making one more suicidal I find it just makes you not give a fuck. Which I find to be as bad or worse.

I plan on getting my scripts back though changed, IE. switch up dillies for Oxycodone 30's so I don't gotta bang em for any kind of relief, as I would like to go back to the fighting spirit as opposed to just giving up. As part of that I want to taper the Benzo's a bit & cut out the Mirtazapine.
I plan on going to out patient psych & BS'ing the NP, & Dr. till I can get referred to the Dr. I want to see, the one who treated my GF & her best friend/relative. He doesn't normally take new out patients, only in patient, but as I have a friend he sees who's gonna recommend me & after recent hospital stay had nurse/PT/etc. visit & the nurse was a psych for 10 years prior & knows the Dr. personally & plans on recommending me to him so I think my chances are good.

As such I want to have a good plan in place about psych medications for my visit with normal physician & of course for when I see the Psych I really wanna see when the time comes. In meantime I'm thinking just get rid of the Mirtazapine & not worry about psych meds as in my case most of my problems are physical in nature, besides PTSD from abuse & now from this recent hospital visit. So any journal articles & the like or even personal experience is appreciated. My physician appt. is Monday so any info you can post before then would be great, or even PM if it doesn't fit the thread. Thanks.

 

[Colonel Contin]

^ You can go ahead & ignore this poster & his preaching unless for some reason you find it to be useful advice...

To this guy's credit, his position on abstinence does come from a history of drug use - I don't think he's trolling. That said, the 'all or nothing'/'black or white' drug-dialectic always comes across as pretty closed minded/ignorant and is rarely conducive to harm-reduction.

Anyhow, I had a similar reaction to zoloft and have been very cautious of these types of antidepressants since. I have never taken mitrazapine personally. I do not know that it is of greater risk than other NaSSAs (SNRIs or SSRIs for that matter); that was not really my intended meaning (sorry for the confusion)... but, the massive number of negative reports is of worthy note if one is attempting to assess what is at the root of his/her amplified feelings of depression/anxiety or thoughts of suicide. I know you're looking for some hard answers, but they are a rare commodity when it comes to antidepressants (reactions to these drugs are complex and variable). I think the simple fact is, these types of antidepressants work for some people and do not work for others. It creates an especially sticky situation when somebody has an adverse reaction to one these drugs because you cannot simply 'stop taking them'.

I have been looking into some journals and blind studies on your behalf, but haven't located anything really awe-striking. I'll let you know if I find anything helpful.

I suggested Amitriptyline simply because it is the most commonly prescribed short-acting antidepressant. It is sometimes prescribed in conjunction with a 'taper and switch' because it can ease the transition between meds. I don't know if amitriptyline would be more effective than another short acting antidepressent (say, wellbutrin?), but obviously this would vary from person to person. If you have had negative experiences with amitriptyline in the past, this likely wouldn't be a good option.

Oh, and just my two cents: I found that while opiates were a great comfort to me for a long period of time, my IV heroin habit eventually became more of a source of depression/stress/anxiety than a cure for those things. Eventually I just wanted to die all the time and the intense ups and downs that come along with the IV MOA only accentuated this. I'm not suggesting that this is the case with everybody, and pain patients have a different set of circumstances than street-drug users... this was just my experience.

I feel like we might be derailing the OP's discussion here. I would suggest outlining your problem and symptoms in a new thread. You might get some more pertinent responses there anyhow. Neuroscience and Pharmacology may have some answers for you if you are interested in the pharmacokinetics of mitrazapine.

 

[IndustrialStrength]

^ Indeed that's why I mentioned that I didn't wanna de-rerail his thread & don't plan on posting anymore questions in it.
Actually I've read many a journal article & the like as well as searched through Neuroscience & Pharmacology but I appreciate the suggestion. I may just have to make a thread & go from there.

But I digress. I have an appointment in 10 hours & everything will change, hopefully for the better!
So lets just hope I get my medications back, the Mirtazapine stopped & perhaps some new medications that interest me started.
I'd post more but as I said I'm tired, have an appt. & don't wanna de-rail the ops thread any further.
If you have any further info feel free to PM me & thanks for checking out what you could.
I appreciate the effort, so thanks again.

 

[noreason41]

To this guy's credit, his position on abstinence does come from a history of drug use - I don't think he's trolling. That said, the 'all or nothing'/'black or white' drug-dialectic always comes across as pretty closed minded/ignorant and is rarely conducive to harm-reduction.

Anyhow, I had a similar reaction to zoloft and have been very cautious of these types of antidepressants since. I have never taken mitrazapine personally. I do not know that it is of greater risk than other NaSSAs (SNRIs or SSRIs for that matter); that was not really my intended meaning (sorry for the confusion)... but, the massive number of negative reports is of worthy note if one is attempting to assess what is at the root of his/her amplified feelings of depression/anxiety or thoughts of suicide. I know you're looking for some hard answers, but they are a rare commodity when it comes to antidepressants (reactions to these drugs are complex and variable). I think the simple fact is, these types of antidepressants work for some people and do not work for others. It creates an especially sticky situation when somebody has an adverse reaction to one these drugs because you cannot simply 'stop taking them'.

I have been looking into some journals and blind studies on your behalf, but haven't located anything really awe-striking. I'll let you know if I find anything helpful.

I suggested Amitriptyline simply because it is the most commonly prescribed short-acting antidepressant. It is sometimes prescribed in conjunction with a 'taper and switch' because it can ease the transition between meds. I don't know if amitriptyline would be more effective than another short acting antidepressent (say, wellbutrin?), but obviously this would vary from person to person. If you have had negative experiences with amitriptyline in the past, this likely wouldn't be a good option.

Oh, and just my two cents: I found that while opiates were a great comfort to me for a long period of time, my IV heroin habit eventually became more of a source of depression/stress/anxiety than a cure for those things. Eventually I just wanted to die all the time and the intense ups and downs that come along with the IV MOA only accentuated this. I'm not suggesting that this is the case with everybody, and pain patients have a different set of circumstances than street-drug users... this was just my experience.

I feel like we might be derailing the OP's discussion here. I would suggest outlining your problem and symptoms in a new thread. You might get some more pertinent responses there anyhow. Neuroscience and Pharmacology may have some answers for you if you are interested in the pharmacokinetics of mitrazapine.

I greatly appreciate the time and effort you are putting into this on my behalf - Thank you (That also goes for you Industrial Strength, and all the other posters who are contributing their time. Thank you).

I've honestly only ever been put on a few different SSRI's (fluvoxamine for anxiety when i was 16-17, and another one or two i've tried but never continued for longer then a fortnight), and my experiences with them were so negative that i vowed never to try SSRI's again.

When i was prescribed mirtazapine in the first instance (about 9 months before i stopped smoking weed for good), i was not really under the impression it was an anti-depressant (cheeky doctor), I thought i was taking it to help me get to sleep (A lifetime of taking doxylamine succinate, benzo's, or any other downer that was available when weed was not has left a person who seriously believed before mirtazapine that he was an insomniac).
Whether or not that is true is beside the point, but for the first time in years i had a long term solution to my insomnia. And when my first stint off weed broke down and i went back to old habits, the stopping of the mirtazapine (don't need Mirtaz to sleep when you've got weed...) was seen as a partial reason to blame for the slide back into the abyss.

But again, I never had any negative side effects from mirtaz (aside from the twitchy kind of kick you get when you take it before bed and lie down. One leg just always kicked, and flinched, used to drive my ex-girlfriend insane) and it was generally positive and helpful.
I no longer had any worries about sleeping, my mood was stable, i wasn't numb but rather felt normal and able to deal with life's challenges.

Which is why the current blaming on mirtaz is so abstract to me.
I suppose i've had a few intense moments in the past month, a long high which is now followed by a long low.
I started tapering last night (I'm not really seeing the doctor that initially prescribed it as he works at a Drug Harm Minimisation clinic and i long lost the feeling that i needed to be an ongoing patient there), so i figure from reading, i'll start at 10%. Or roughly 10%.

Been on 60mg from the get-go (it took the DR a few months to realize that it was more sedating at lower doses), so i'm going to go to 52.5, then 45, then 37.5, then 30 etc on a timescale of 4-7 days between taper. Or something of the sort. I'll play it by feel i guess.

Excited to be finally getting off it, though the withdrawals from AD's from what i've read seem pretty damn scary.

 

[herbavore]

Herbavore, i'm interested as to why you think the mirtazapine could be the cause?
I've been on it since basically when i stopped smoking synth (Note: I smoked the real herb for the majority of the 4 years, the synth was only really the tail end of a couple of months of the addiction), and i've found it's been nothing but good to me.

Hey, I'm so sorry that it has taken me so long to reply to this. I was simply thinking that many ADs can make people feel flat (emotionless) to the point of "why am I even alive?". I was not meaning to presumptively blame mitazapine specifically (especially if you feel it is helping in significant ways) rather to shine a light on a possibility.

Keep us posted on how it's going. Sounds to me like you are in a very good transition time in your head, making good changes, taking charge. I don't know about you but I usually focus on my weaknesses but every now and again I can be blown away by my own strengths. When that happens it is good to really take it in--to acknowledge the control you do have over your life from within.

 

[Colonel Contin]

OP, I'll be interested to hear how you react to your taper. Mitrazapine IS commonly prescribed as a sleep-aid. My roommate actually brought a couple home yesterday, told me he had some 'sleeping pills', and asked me if I wanted one. Having just had this conversation here on bluelight, I laughed. I'd bet a huge portion of the doctors prescribing mitrazapine for sleep fail to inform their patients of its potential side-effects as an antidepressant. Anyhow, If you encounter any trouble when you begin lowering your dose, you may want to consider looking for a doctor outside of your program who can help you to taper off. They could help to address any potential risks in tapering and discontinuing the med and sometimes having a doctor at your side can provide a little comfort when you're unsure about what you're feeling.

 

[IndustrialStrength]

Well very bad news if you didn't already see it in one of my other posts.
My doctor decided to cut me off all my medications that I give a shit about, considering ending it myself.
Since I only have a few of my old scripts left & my new scripts are bullshit I even broke down & busted out the needle after more than 2 years of not abusing anything really.
Since I shake like a leaf I hit myself but can't work the plunger always had help
Well I should of got a fresh point, as I tore my shit up.
Though not half as bad as the people at hospital.

Hell I don't even have a tourny anymore.
After 10 attempts I grabbed a belt, & on lucky 13 for 2nd time in life hit that shit myself & didn't miss.
As he didn't write me any Dilaudid at all I didn't wanna waste the few I had left so thank god.
Course the few minutes of relief probably wasn't worth old schooling it.
But since the hospital fucked my veins so bad I just don't give a fuck anymore.
It's like they turned me from someone who takes there scripts properly & tries to get better.
Back into the old person I didn't wanna be who doesn't give a fuck.
Lets just destroy my system as its already half destroyed by those fuckers.
Just fucking great take someone who follows the rules & turn em back into a needle user & abuser, smart docs.

Well I'd smoked some cannabis but that was doctor recommended.
And besides due to permanent lung damage from pneumonia,
As well as permanent heart damage from the hospital I won't be doing that soon.
Hell they fucked my heart up so bad that I get to see a cardiologist at 31.
When I had no heart problems prior to visit. Fucking insane it is.
I never considered that abusing a drug though as I have major GI issues & it was doc recommended.

But I digress, my doc decided to cut my 6mg of Klonopin a day.
(Note I've been on this or other benzos for 10-15 years)
From 6mg a day, 2mg x3 daily to 4mg x4 daily, then 3mg x3 daily & so on, a fucking 4 week taper.
Ashton manual puts it at 28 weeks with noticeable w/d's & possible permanent damage.
56 weeks for a safe taper.
Hell the 2mg a day cut is gonna fucking destroy me.
Just glad I have a extra bottle to slow that down till I can fix it.
So yeah, glad I found the only site on the net that seems to still carry phenazepam to help me out.
Just gotta get this bitcoin thing figured out so I can get it before it's gone.
If anyone is familiar with BCoins please PM me.


Also he decided to cut my remaining narcotics.
First he writes 8x20mg which doesn't which no pharmacy stocks & we had told him I had 0 pills left.
Not true but besides the point, so as far as he knows I've been without for 2 days.
I know he wrote 20's just because he knows that no one carries 20mg capsules around here.
Hell in 15 years of opiate usage never once saw or heard of one.

So instead he finally writes me 15mg ER x8, that he's gonna lower by 1 a week till I'm done.
Have to have my mom call every 5 days & drive 1:30 every 7 days between getting script & filling.
As I'm not legally aloud to drive ATM.
So that's gonna be hell, not to mention I have disability hearing & tons of appts.
Like the appts. that were meant to find the root cause of problems.
Gastroenterology, Urology, Endocrinology, Urology & now thanks to them Cardiology, oh & Thoracic as well.
That's from the Pneumonia complications doing lung damage.

But I'm also tapering the Mirtazapine he wrote me 21 15mg tablets to taper off 30mg with.
Though I have 5 refills on the 30mg's so I think I might refill 1 & use that to help taper.
So far cut to 22.5 & plan on going down from there need to make taper plan & write it down.
As that's how I do things but so upset I can't deal with it though it was Monday all this shit happened.

Obviously he didn't restore my Soma x3 or Valium x3, though it's odd he wrote me the Lyrica.
He also wasn't gonna write my Zofran as he thought Prilosec would work better for my nausea.
Even though I've told him in past I've taken it & it doesn't do shit besides prevent calcium absorbtion...

But I digress I'm rambling, but yeah if you do taper your Remeron please keep us informed.
I'd like to see your plan or how it's working for you as to compare to myself.
I've only been on it a couple months & I have uber fast metabolism so think I can fast taper.
Not sure your duration of usage or dosage, it might be in thread but can't look ATM as I gotta make a call.

Regardless please keep us updated & sorry if I was venting I'm just so upset.
How am I supposed to go to most important appts. of my life sick as hell coming off multiple meds I've been
on for 10-15 years? And really strong high doses at that.
Not to mention I'm likely to need surgery, so WTF is that gonna be.
Get off opiates so I can have surgery & get back on? Or what just not get any pain relief?
If that's the case I can't even have the surgeries & there's no point even going to the appts.
As I can't urinate in public & those appts. are 3 hours each way, so there gonna be painful holding it as it is.
Even worse as I have to piss repeatedly when w/d'ing.

But I gotta go as I gotta make a call that I hope gets answered, then eat & be sick.
Since as usual not enough time for anything. Fuck I hate this fucking body & this world.
Just want it to go away, but it never does. Everyone fucking OD's except me.
Hell I try & I just end up high it's fucking ridiculous. Anyways I better go before I say something stupid.

Sorry op for de-railing your thread a bit just so upset.
And the Mirtazapine taper questions are genuine so please do answer.
As well as the Bit Coin question, if anyone is familiar PM me.

Maybe I can post more at a later point but I gotta roll, thanks to anyone who can help.

 

[sunflash876]

You want to kill yourself? Why? What's so hopeless that you feel like you have to kill yourself. I know how you feel man, i realy do. but if you don't mind me asking. Why?

 

[Joey24x18]

Synthetic weed fucked my brain up. I was a heavy user for 3 years. I'ts the only drug I know of that can make you legitimately think you're dying but you just want to do more and more... I'm two years sober. My mind never seemed to fully recover. I'm addicted to phenibut now. It takes all the anxiety away. But now u have that demon sitting on my shoulder. I feel you bro. Don't kill yourself. It's never the right thing to do.

 

[IndustrialStrength]

Only ever tried the synthetic weed replacements a few times, always already made up.
IE. Headshop shit like "Spice" & the like that friends brought by.
That or the typical marshmallow leaf & synthetic's added since that 1 site & probably more sold both.
So friends would have made there own blends after ordering from there or just using it as an idea.
As in buy m leaf add synthetics.

I always found it to be kinda like a weak psychedelic though that was at low doses.
At higher doses I found it to be psychedelic but sometimes panic inducing or "weird" feeling, IE. Nausea, dizziness, etc.
Though my girl tried I think it was called "Green Dragon"? at a friends house.
She ended up getting mad fucked up.
Puked her guts up for hours & couldn't really function.
She said first few hits felt like a psychedelic & she was excited.
As she's on psych meds that block mushies, lsd, etc.
But that she then got nausea, dizziness, etc. & puked for hours.
Was to fucked up to call me even.
Said she just laid on couch puking in bucket with someone else that got sick.
While the friend that she went there with had sex in other room with a difffriend who's house it was.

Apparently it lasted a few hours then wore off & she came home.
She said she wouldn't touch that shit again.
No idea what type of synthetics she did, or what types I tried.
I only tried it maybe 2 or 3 times, like I said I found it had to many side effects.
I mean it was ok, as in I could get weak effects & kinda enjoy that.
However, if I tried to push it for the kind of effects I wanted I'd get nausea & such.
Maybe I tried wrong types.
Who knows as I didn't know what I was trying & I'm not really down with that.
I usually only consume substances that I know what I'm consuming, was spur of moment thing.
That & I wanted to compare to her experiences, so I tried that same "Green Dragon" stuff she did.

Got same effects as the other synthetics I'd tried. Minor psychedelic effects at low dose.
More pronounced at higher doses but nausea/dizziness/side effects if I tried for the effects I wanted.
Overall I wasn't into it, especially since I didn't know what I was consuming & like I said I like to know.

Anyways, not to de-rail thread but any input on my situation?
As I'm bout ready to call er quits myself,

Disability hearing tomorrow. Talked to lawyer today. He mentioned a bunch of old shit I'd forgotten.
Like a drug test where I came up with pot levels that I would've had to be smoking while being tested.
Note this was a blood test, I can't urinate in public places.
However, I was negative for all my medications.
Klonopin, Restoril & a few others don't recall which I was on at that point.

The doc cut me off at my request.
As I wanted to switch GP's anyways & I felt he didn't need to stick his neck out.
But the lawyer mentioned that might come up. Which is bullshit as the doc said that he believed me.
He'd known me for 20+ years & agreed that test must be wrong. But it's not documented.
Same thing with another drug test as well as with my current GP who just cut me off.
He never tested me even though his practice has a PM contract.
Where you have to be tested to get medications.
I was never tested as I admitted ahead of time that I used Cannabis & so he never tested me.
Didn't want me to not get my medications. Now he's cutting me off as I mentioned above.

That shit ain't gonna look good in court.
As I'm sure he isn't gonna back me on the he knew thing as it was verbal.
Not like doctors are gonna document that they are aware/recommend something illegal.
Though technically my GP is in NY which has medical it just isn't implemented fully yet.
Even though I'm out of state, they do allow that & I would qualify just not in effect yet.
So doesn't help me, either way my Disability Hearing is in PA.

Sucks so bad as I was so happy as I got the judge I wanted with highest approval rate of that court.
I avoided the 1 judge who approves 11% & dismisses most of the rest.
I got the judge with 54% approval rate.
Just hoping that all this shit doesn't bite me in the ass.
As the hospital put 1 of my diagnosis as "recreational drug use" which is bullshit as they knew better.

So hoping that doesn't fuck my case, as I never abused any of my medications.
I always followed doctors orders & did shit as I was instructed.
Besides drug tests are not accurate.
I fought a doctor once over that bringing in close to a hundred articles &/or
court rulings regarding the company that did test.
Also other companies & they were like...
"Holy shit your right!""Pardon my language but that's just not right!" said the doctor.

So it's well known & prove able but I can't debate that & pull out a bunch of rulings.
Not at a Disability Hearing it doesn't work like that.
Just hoping they don't bother me about it to much.
That & I didn't know it could take up to 100 days + for a ruling.

God I hope I get it approved & over with.
As I still have all those appts. that I gotta deal with & I want to move forward.
But they made my problems worse & now I don't know if it's worth even trying.
Specially if the hearing goes bad, if I lose that I might as well call it as it's my only hope.

Anyways, I'm rambling & de-railing ops thread, just having panic attack.
Don't wanna take more Klonopin case they drug test.
Course good luck on convincing em to go blood since I can't urinate in public.
Even though I'm prescribed it.
I'm supposed to be tapering & most docs/judges believe that you can tell levels.

Which is bullshit, urine can't tell, hell blood can't even accurately measure levels.
As metabolism/enzymes vary so the tests can't prove anything.
But good luck convincing those idiots that even though it's well documented.
Course with my luck I'd come up negative. I've never had a drug test that wasn't wrong.

Every single one either had me positive for meds I didn't take or negative for the meds I was taking.
But all come up positive for cannabis somehow, though I haven't used that since hospital.
Since pneumonia complications destroyed my lungs & my heart has QT prolongation now as well.
Gotta see a cardiologist & thoracic doctor.
One for heart one for lungs, fucking bullshit as no probs before hospital.
Since Cannabis increases risk of heart attack can't even use edibles.
Which sucks as I used it for my GI problems.
Wasn't even really a recreational thing, but oh well.

I digress sorry to op if I de-railed &/or rambled on.
But it's pertinent to topic. As if this doesn't work out, I'm out.
My previous attempt was just trying to get help which backfired miserably.
Just got my health fucked worse by the hospital/medical system.
This time if I have to go that route, I'm doing it right, as I know my pharmacology.
Could have done it right last time, just chose not to.
Hoping I don't have to go that route but if Hearing goes bad have little to no choice.
And my appts. are kinda my last hope, but without Disability they won't even matter.

Again sorry to keep going on.
Kust really wanted things to work out as damn it I've done everything right.
I don't deserve all these health problems.
I deserve my Disability & chance at getting help with health problems.
But as they say the world isn't a fair place.
So anyone who's been following thread at least hope for me.

If you don't mind that is.
As hearing is tomorrow morning & like I said probably won't know results for quite some time.
That is unless they dismiss/deny right off, or approve right off but that rarely happens.
Anyways I'm done talking bout it as I'm just getting more edgy.
And as I said earlier already having panic attack.
So to those who care, wish me luck.