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Well, I'm sober, officially

XANAX XR

XANAX XR

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 6, 2014
Messages
516
Location
Michigan
This is the time around March that hits 3 months sober, roughly... Aside from the first week, it's only gotten worse. I was on benzos, hard, for a little over a year (on and off, no scripts). Which led up to doing more opiates than before, eventually shooting up, before I quit EVERYTHING for good.. and now I am here! Kinda proud, kinda don't give a fuck..

A lot of people have this mental state they look forward to when they stop doing substances, I don't, I wasn't happy before I touched drugs.. I was still an anxiety-freak, who gets bad depression every other month (very selective for some reason..not sure why, not seasonal either).

So, I don't necessarily get urges to do drugs again but I say to myself, why the hell should I stay sober if it's not going to be much different? I mean, on benzos... I was crazy-sharp headed, smart, socially-fun, calm [duh] and genuinely enjoyed life.


*I have cheated my sobriety, with alcohol, in-which I do have control over... I need an escape and casually drinking, imo, is not bad, at all.*

Anyway, to my final thought, I need something to take the edge off (everyday-use). I don't want a benzo, nor any anti-depressant and I'm not even afraid to develop a tolerance that would lead to W/D as long as it's not as harsh as Etizolam W/Ds >.>

Would depakote or lamictal benefit me more-so than gabapentin or pregabalin? I have yet to try pregabalin... insurance is very fucky with pregab.


---Oh, one last thing, what the hell can I do to occupy myself when I have no interest in anything? I have a job interview Saturday morning =D, so hopefully that will go well and I will have a job once again!---
 
why do you want to take a bipolar medication? side effects are pretty awful..

you didn't mention if you have hypomanic or manic states as well as depressive states.

i think most people would agree that it is less stressful being sober than addicted to shooting up opiates.

theres probably a lot of things you could spend your time doing, tidying, organising, reading, walking, sitting, swimming, seeing friends, running, cooking, join a sport team/group in community, learn how to play an instrument, do some drawing, do some crafts, go hiking, start a journal

i would personally try out daily exercise and eating healthy food for a month before going on medication.

i would question whether you were "crazy-sharp headed, smart, socially-fun, calm [duh] and genuinely enjoyed life" on benzos, you probably forgot big chunks of time and did lots of things that didn't seem like you would do them etc?

grats on 3 months, its a big achievement. lifes short.. experience the uncomfortable and the comfortable :p , dont be too hard on your self
 
Well, depakote and lamictal have been said to help with anxiety and be good mood-stabilizers. Not really hypomanic/manic

I do go out with friends, like to hike (plan to go more), I cook sometimes too. I just don't find enjoyment in anything :/

I did forget big chunks of time depending on the dose I was coasting on and I did do some things I normally wouldn't do, rarely though.

Thanks!
 
congrats on gettin clean... shit even if your only able to stay clean for one day thats still something to be proud of man... its a fuckin strugle...

ive been clean for almost three months from dope and the whole not having an interest in anything will get better as time goes on... but not tryin to scare you or anything, you should prepare yourself for PAWs (post acuate withdraw)... it was kinda weird to me,but my doctor said it was very normal, right as i was getting to the one month clean mark i started getting really bad cold chills and would start sweating and not being able to sleep... but after a few days it got better... i still have cravings to go use but everyone i know says they get less intense as time goes on...

so just hang in there....
 
pill_billy said:
congrats on gettin clean... shit even if your only able to stay clean for one day thats still something to be proud of man... its a fuckin strugle...

ive been clean for almost three months from dope and the whole not having an interest in anything will get better as time goes on... but not tryin to scare you or anything, you should prepare yourself for PAWs (post acuate withdraw)... it was kinda weird to me,but my doctor said it was very normal, right as i was getting to the one month clean mark i started getting really bad cold chills and would start sweating and not being able to sleep... but after a few days it got better... i still have cravings to go use but everyone i know says they get less intense as time goes on...

so just hang in there....
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Yea, I'm already familiar with PAWs. Not something I looked forward to, which I knew I was going to experience it before I quit, CT.

I've never had the luxury or money to taper off my addictions and that doesn't help, at all.

To this day I still look into research chemicals, alllll the time... I found vendors that ship powder to the US! So tempting to buy some and test it out.
 
I too am right there with you man.
Stay clean, its worth it.
Do it for yourself like i did, if you do it for anybody else you will fail.
I took up making music to help with my struggles.
I listen to a lot of music and i try to make my own after being inspired for a while.
Making something that sounds good to you will give you a sense of satisfaction, like a mini-high that is productive.

Ive been clean almost 2 years and it was the hardest thing ive done in my life.

I was at a point where i literally knew i could and maybe would die every single day and i didnt care.

But then one day i wanted to be better.
Its FUCKING HARD man but you dont have to be a strong person to do it.

You just have to want too.

i wish you the best in whatever you wish to, as its your life, but i hope you make the best of it!

try flstudio 11,
you may or may not be able to get it from thepiratebay ;)
 
S W E D said:
I too am right there with you man.
Stay clean, its worth it.
Do it for yourself like i did, if you do it for anybody else you will fail.
I took up making music to help with my struggles.
I listen to a lot of music and i try to make my own after being inspired for a while.
Making something that sounds good to you will give you a sense of satisfaction, like a mini-high that is productive.

Ive been clean almost 2 years and it was the hardest thing ive done in my life.

I was at a point where i literally knew i could and maybe would die every single day and i didnt care.

But then one day i wanted to be better.
Its FUCKING HARD man but you dont have to be a strong person to do it.

You just have to want too.

i wish you the best in whatever you wish to, as its your life, but i hope you make the best of it!

try flstudio 11,
you may or may not be able to get it from thepiratebay ;)
Click to expand...


I've played with flstudio 11, my old friend had it and I played it when I was on a suboxone binge.

Today has been a terrible fucking day, I honestly feel like buying clonazepam, because that's my doc. The urge is unbearable.
 
PAWs hit me all the sudden, out of nowhere and it's literal hell. I feel like offing myself, yet again, or buying some benzos... wtf....
 
XANAX XR said:
A lot of people have this mental state they look forward to when they stop doing substances, I don't, I wasn't happy before I touched drugs.. I was still an anxiety-freak, who gets bad depression every other month (very selective for some reason..not sure why, not seasonal either).
Click to expand...

From both personal experience and experience working with others, this is the story for many many addicts. In fact, I'd say its typical. Problem is that drugs make that shit worse. When you get off of them, you can start to put it back together and find out who you are and what you enjoy. In my experience, I had to stop everything including alcohol. Also, benzos and alcohol are basically interchangeable, I struggle to see how anyone with a benzo dependency problem would be able to "control" alcohol. Not trying to offend you or anything.

XANAX XR said:
PAWs hit me all the sudden, out of nowhere and it's literal hell. I feel like offing myself, yet again, or buying some benzos... wtf....
Click to expand...

This is going to happen and alcohol will make it worse. When you drink, you are possibly preventing your system from repairing itself. The GABA system is not to be played with. I did and I do regret it and I will be honest it takes time to repair and I also think that I did do some permanent damage, but I feel pretty well back to "normal" at this point (almost a year).

Have you been going to meetings or some other type of support group?

Also, I have to say, I was always told that I was "quiet" and "shy" and I had major problems making eye contact with people. However, once I got clean, people started to talk about how "social" and "outgoing" I was and that I was very easy to talk to. This blew my mind at first, but turns out that when I am clean I have no problem relating to other people.
 
I'm the opposite, benzos make me more enjoyable to be around, less socially awkward.

But yea, I have control over my alcohol intake, I wouldn't mind drinking every night but I don't. I haven't noticed anything get worse since I've started drinking once a week.

I go to a psychologist, been trying to get a psychiatrist for a long time.
 
How did that happen. Trying to understand the reasons may give you a better start now.
Hey, these things happen, don't beat yourself up. It's part of the process.
Cheer up man, you will do it again! :)
 
Erikmen said:
How did that happen. Trying to understand the reasons may give you a better start now.
Hey, these things happen, don't beat yourself up. It's part of the process.
Cheer up man, you will do it again! :)
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I had free etz in the mail and I planned to get rid of them by resale.

In which I did.......kind of.... ended up taking most of them.
 
That's okay now. You can change what's done. Use all of this energy to start over. You can do it!
 
Get clean first, spend some time clean, and then worry about that if it still anissue. I'm not sure where you've got the idea that people coming off drugs all have a state of joy to look forward to either. Most start getting involved in abuse because they have some emotional issues.

edit: Sorry, you have spent some time clean already. Your first thought should be for a talking cure, without wwanting to sound like an arsehole, 'looking for something to take the edge off' is drug seeking behaviour and a sign that things are not well with your recovery.

Find a good medical professional, discuss the issue with them being completely honest about your history of abuse. Good luck.:)
 
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THECATINTHEHAT said:
Get clean first, spend some time clean, and then worry about that if it still anissue. I'm not sure where you've got the idea that people coming off drugs all have a state of joy to look forward to either. Most start getting involved in abuse because they have some emotional issues.

edit: Sorry, you have spent some time clean already. Your first thought should be for a talking cure, without wwanting to sound like an arsehole, 'looking for something to take the edge off' is drug seeking behaviour and a sign that things are not well with your recovery.

Find a good medical professional, discuss the issue with them being completely honest about your history of abuse. Good luck.:)
Click to expand...

Agree. Trying to find me something made me relapse. With time you'll recognize the signs..
 
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