Xtreme Rush
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 6, 2015
- Messages
- 202
I've been seeing a sub doctor for almost ten years now. He's the same as all the others, give him money for a prescription. I've also seen countless psychiatrists and psychologists and counselors and been in all kinds of programs. I get all the labels: PTSD, bipolar, borderline personality, depression, anxiety, OCD.. But nothing ever gets fixed or really even addressed. I see the psychiatrist once a month For maybe ten minutes and try a bunch of SSRI's that don't work. Then I see the counselor who I tell about how awful I feel and they just stare at me. No talk about triggers, coping skills, how to feel less like a suicidal zombie loser... So I Just keep relapsing. I have severe anxiety and depression, I'm super lonely, very depressed. I don't want to do anything. I'm like paralyzed. My brain is saying "get up" but my body doesn't listen. Same when I get dope. I cry the whole car ride and say "get off at the next exit, turn around, it's not worth it", but my body doesn't listen. I get high so I can take a shower, clean my apartment, go to work and interact with clients and make sales and not get fired. I also have sleep apnea so I'm always tired anyway. I like that boost of energy dope gives me so I can feel functional. Subs never do that for me. They just eventually keep me out of full blown withdrawl, but it takes a good 3-5 days. I've already been on a run almost a week. I'm broke. My parents said they'll disown me if I mess up again and they're all I have. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm terrified because I have to work tomorrow and the bosses will notice something is wrong, and I'll barely be able to make it to work honestly. I hope I can or I'm gonna get fired. I am having crushing anxiety now and I havent even started withdrawing yet. Is there anything I can do to get through this. I have seven 8mg subs and I don't get paid until next fri to go to the doctor and get a new script. I'm prescribed 16mg a day which is obviously way too much. I try to take like 4mg a day. Took 2mg this AM after 20 hours clean, and that was no help at all so did 2 bags IV, still felt Like shit and have a bunch of crap to do today so did 3 more bags around 10am. Obviously the sub blocked it and it was a stupid move but now just feeling tireds depressed anxious and terrified, like my life is about to fall apart and I'm gonna lose everything and theres no point anymore. What should I do now to have the least suffering abd get through work/seeing family without arising too much suspicicion? And any suggestions on staying clean going forward? Thanks for the quick replies too guys!
First off like I said you have to stop using dope no matter how shitty you feel. Also you currently do not have enough suboxone to do any kind of healthy taper. So with that being said try to get a loan from your parents or whoever, so you can at least have your suboxone to start your real suboxone maintenance.
BUT PLEASE STOP DOING DOPE!!!!!!!!!
This just sets you back and as you have found out the hardway doing dope then subs, then dope, then subs, sucks and almost feels worthless, but unfortunately you are to blame for this (im not judging you either)
So try to get the sub script and stick with it, DO NOT DO ANY MORE DOPE PLEASE!
Now for your diagnosis, I have some of the similar, now I suggest you talk to your psychiatrist first instead of your GP and ask for remeron 15mg this will help with sleep, and depression and anxiety. But you take this pill usually at night. Now for the day since you are an addict instead of a benzo ask for Buspar (buspirone) This will help with anxiety. Also not addicting.
Do your research online and through reading books, you can gain a lot of insight on all these drugs they feed us or all these drugs we go out and seek and abuse lol. The mind is a very powerful thing, and terrible to waste, its one thing to be a drug addict, but when your an completely ignorant drug addict with no intelligence you probably do deserve to be standing on the side of the freeway with that bullshit sign lol.
Intelligence is an amazing thing, and when we look back at our drug addict behavior, we should be ashamed.
As always,
Take Care.
Be Safe.