Sadie
Bluelight Crew
PM Sent, please reply....
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European & African
Drug Discussion
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EADD Moderators: Shambles
Monday thread - bangles, boomtown rats, you takes your lyric you takes your choice
- Thread starter steewith2ees
- Start date
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
Please dont do H cause of this. You're better than this. You can have a good life n find love.
Talk to Sadie in pm. She's a good listener n we're all here for you too. Im sure you're a lovely bloke n will make a girl very happy. Can i ask how long you've been in recovery for? You're quite vulnerable the first few years n so its important to try n get a support network around you, especially for times like this.
Are there any recovery groups in your area? It doesnt have to be 12-steps if you're not into that - but it may help you.
Be safe n take care, ok?!
Evey
Talk to Sadie in pm. She's a good listener n we're all here for you too. Im sure you're a lovely bloke n will make a girl very happy. Can i ask how long you've been in recovery for? You're quite vulnerable the first few years n so its important to try n get a support network around you, especially for times like this.
Are there any recovery groups in your area? It doesnt have to be 12-steps if you're not into that - but it may help you.
Be safe n take care, ok?!
Evey
Hello Stee (from a newbie but long time lurker),
Wow, that sounds like really insensitive behaviour from this lady
Maybe her little boy is the main factor she’s bearing in mind and the possible implications on the relationship with his dad, but still pretty horrible to be on the receiving end
You are a valued member of this community and the fact alone that you are looking after your sick mother, which many people wouldn’t do, shows you must be a caring person. I don’t know you but this thread made me want to reach out. I’m sure a lot of people on here care about what happens to you.
It sounds clichéd but don’t give up on achieving the life you want to and do deserve, I appreciate it must be very difficult to believe right now but you are not pathetic and there is always the chance that things can turn around for you. As Sadie said you are absolutely as worthy of happiness as everyone else. This lady obviously found you attractive or she wouldn’t have spent the night with you – there’s absolutely nothing to say others won’t in future either and you can meet someone kinder that doesn’t mess other people around like that.
I can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you…. There have been a lot of occasions over the last two years though where struggling with mental health issues I truly saw no point in getting out of bed in the morning and in life whatsoever. Something that’s been helping me is to try and consciously recognise my unhelpful thinking styles as exactly that, not realities – subjective thoughts (things like noticing our failures but not seeing our successes, predicting the future, labelling ourselves as completely useless or a loser). I’m sure that the only person whose opinion matters who thinks you don’t deserve the roof over your head is you. It’s not a fact though! I’m sure you have a lot of positive personality traits. I’m currently in therapy and also on an ssri and my therapist keeps saying that even though we can’t block out the negative thoughts, we need to try and rebalance things by allowing positive ones in too, keeping a diary of positive personality traits and actions no matter how small/trivial (e.g. being a good listener, helping others, solving problems etc) which I find good to read whenever the frequent though ‘everything I ever do is a failure’ crosses my mind. Just mentioning on the off chance it might help someone else.
It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress since starting treatment. Focus on being kind to yourself and taking small steps towards recovery and achieving your goals. Hopefully it will be a lot easier to get out and meet people once you feel more positive about yourself. Take care and let us know how you get on.
Wow, that sounds like really insensitive behaviour from this lady
Maybe her little boy is the main factor she’s bearing in mind and the possible implications on the relationship with his dad, but still pretty horrible to be on the receiving end You are a valued member of this community and the fact alone that you are looking after your sick mother, which many people wouldn’t do, shows you must be a caring person. I don’t know you but this thread made me want to reach out. I’m sure a lot of people on here care about what happens to you.
It sounds clichéd but don’t give up on achieving the life you want to and do deserve, I appreciate it must be very difficult to believe right now but you are not pathetic and there is always the chance that things can turn around for you. As Sadie said you are absolutely as worthy of happiness as everyone else. This lady obviously found you attractive or she wouldn’t have spent the night with you – there’s absolutely nothing to say others won’t in future either and you can meet someone kinder that doesn’t mess other people around like that.
I can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you…. There have been a lot of occasions over the last two years though where struggling with mental health issues I truly saw no point in getting out of bed in the morning and in life whatsoever. Something that’s been helping me is to try and consciously recognise my unhelpful thinking styles as exactly that, not realities – subjective thoughts (things like noticing our failures but not seeing our successes, predicting the future, labelling ourselves as completely useless or a loser). I’m sure that the only person whose opinion matters who thinks you don’t deserve the roof over your head is you. It’s not a fact though! I’m sure you have a lot of positive personality traits. I’m currently in therapy and also on an ssri and my therapist keeps saying that even though we can’t block out the negative thoughts, we need to try and rebalance things by allowing positive ones in too, keeping a diary of positive personality traits and actions no matter how small/trivial (e.g. being a good listener, helping others, solving problems etc) which I find good to read whenever the frequent though ‘everything I ever do is a failure’ crosses my mind. Just mentioning on the off chance it might help someone else.
It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress since starting treatment. Focus on being kind to yourself and taking small steps towards recovery and achieving your goals. Hopefully it will be a lot easier to get out and meet people once you feel more positive about yourself. Take care and let us know how you get on.
steewith2ees
Bluelight Crew
Hi Alex - welcome to bluelight - im flattered that my tales of adolescent - like wo have been the impetus to bring you out of the woodwork.
Although what you say makes sense, im still just maintaining really - im not currently in any sort of cbt and ive just fucked off my latest course of fluoxetine - ive been taking it every day for the last 2 years and on and off since 2004 - the gp and i have come to the agreement that 90% of my depression is reactive and the 'prozac' (initially prescribed for anxiety) has less personal benefit for me than the PRN diazepam she allows me to have every 6 months or go.
While my methadone is maintained with no plans for a reduction i still see myself as a drug user, its reduced my heroin use by >90% but untill they offer me a reduction with some light at the end of the tunnel then as far as im concerned ill still use other drugs on top to self medicate my depression (my meth script is high enough to cover my wd's and other physical aspects of my habit)
Your right about her wanting to protect her son, but most normal people wouldnt want their children around when inviting fuck buddies to the house. Hes at his dads every weekend, so i guess she has a different cock lined up for this Saturday
Im still feeling quite upset, but slightly back to normal as well. This woman has interrupted my drug seeking over the last 2 weeks, so as she slowly leaves my head, my priorities are swinging back towards obtaining substances. They let me down alot, but not once have they ever broken my (probably damaged) heart.
ps. last nights councilling was excellent and allowed me to get to sleepeasily (plus the 10mg diclaz - after spending the last year battering flubromazepam i forgot that shit even worked!) - ty - they know who they are)
Although what you say makes sense, im still just maintaining really - im not currently in any sort of cbt and ive just fucked off my latest course of fluoxetine - ive been taking it every day for the last 2 years and on and off since 2004 - the gp and i have come to the agreement that 90% of my depression is reactive and the 'prozac' (initially prescribed for anxiety) has less personal benefit for me than the PRN diazepam she allows me to have every 6 months or go.
While my methadone is maintained with no plans for a reduction i still see myself as a drug user, its reduced my heroin use by >90% but untill they offer me a reduction with some light at the end of the tunnel then as far as im concerned ill still use other drugs on top to self medicate my depression (my meth script is high enough to cover my wd's and other physical aspects of my habit)
Your right about her wanting to protect her son, but most normal people wouldnt want their children around when inviting fuck buddies to the house. Hes at his dads every weekend, so i guess she has a different cock lined up for this Saturday
Im still feeling quite upset, but slightly back to normal as well. This woman has interrupted my drug seeking over the last 2 weeks, so as she slowly leaves my head, my priorities are swinging back towards obtaining substances. They let me down alot, but not once have they ever broken my (probably damaged) heart.
ps. last nights councilling was excellent and allowed me to get to sleepeasily (plus the 10mg diclaz - after spending the last year battering flubromazepam i forgot that shit even worked!) - ty - they know who they are)
Eveleivibe
Ex-Bluelighter
Hello Stee (from a newbie but long time lurker),
Wow, that sounds like really insensitive behaviour from this lady
You are a valued member of this community and the fact alone that you are looking after your sick mother, which many people wouldn’t do, shows you must be a caring person. I don’t know you but this thread made me want to reach out. I’m sure a lot of people on here care about what happens to you.
It sounds clichéd but don’t give up on achieving the life you want to and do deserve, I appreciate it must be very difficult to believe right now but you are not pathetic and there is always the chance that things can turn around for you. As Sadie said you are absolutely as worthy of happiness as everyone else. This lady obviously found you attractive or she wouldn’t have spent the night with you – there’s absolutely nothing to say others won’t in future either and you can meet someone kinder that doesn’t mess other people around like that.
I can’t imagine how difficult things must be for you…. There have been a lot of occasions over the last two years though where struggling with mental health issues I truly saw no point in getting out of bed in the morning and in life whatsoever. Something that’s been helping me is to try and consciously recognise my unhelpful thinking styles as exactly that, not realities – subjective thoughts (things like noticing our failures but not seeing our successes, predicting the future, labelling ourselves as completely useless or a loser). I’m sure that the only person whose opinion matters who thinks you don’t deserve the roof over your head is you. It’s not a fact though! I’m sure you have a lot of positive personality traits. I’m currently in therapy and also on an ssri and my therapist keeps saying that even though we can’t block out the negative thoughts, we need to try and rebalance things by allowing positive ones in too, keeping a diary of positive personality traits and actions no matter how small/trivial (e.g. being a good listener, helping others, solving problems etc) which I find good to read whenever the frequent though ‘everything I ever do is a failure’ crosses my mind. Just mentioning on the off chance it might help someone else.
It sounds like you’ve made a lot of progress since starting treatment. Focus on being kind to yourself and taking small steps towards recovery and achieving your goals. Hopefully it will be a lot easier to get out and meet people once you feel more positive about yourself. Take care and let us know how you get on.
Awh that's lovely that your first post here is tro try n help others.
Welcome to Bluelight n to EADD.
Would you like to make an introduction thread in New Members Introductions? That way other members can comment n introduce themselve to you n help you into our comunity.
Good to have you on board.
Stee - Alex makes some good points.
Evey
steewith2ees
Bluelight Crew
Your right, but knowing the right thing to do and actually doing it is a massive leap - as i keep trying to stress, im not yet in recovery im still only stablising myself. After my sabbatical prior to my date (i avoided drugs for a week before hand so i wouldnt be looking too awful) i scored on sunday and yesterday, and im sorry to report it was gorgeous.
While im waiting to get onto a reduction plan i need to get a life back. Whats the point in going on otherwise?
Answers on a postcard always welcome
Sadie
Bluelight Crew
Massive
my Stee. You're far too lovely for this girl. You've got a heart of gold my lovely
steewith2ees
Bluelight Crew
Massive
If i had a heart of gold id take it straight to crack converters. should get the cash for a kilo or 2 there
Sadie
Bluelight Crew
Look Stee, It's my day off work. Don't make me put my big girl pants on and beat the truth into you. I'll do it. And you know this maaaaannnnn!
You're too lovely
You're too lovely
steewith2ees
Bluelight Crew
#Hes like butter...#
can i have that last comment in writing please, on official Bluelight masthead paper?
can i have that last comment in writing please, on official Bluelight masthead paper?
One junkie to the next, complete and utter self-indulgent junkie bullshit. Junkiedom is a weird and brutal mix of self-obesession and self-loathing. You express this conflict effortlessly in near every I see of yours. Trust me, this is no criticism. Nor is it celebration. Junkiedom is a shitty existence. We all know this. It's pleasures are brief, fleeting and - occasionally somewhat transcendent... but most often the fall back to harsh reality is too much to bear. Combine this with the basic chemical effects of opiates (and other substances which tend to be related such as benzos and booze) and you have a downward spiral which feeds on itself.
The only way I know of to break this once it has truly set in is to remove oneself from opiates - especially strong opiates - as swiftly and as so far as is possible. Total abstainence tends to be a faraway dream to many of us. Focussing on that puts us off. Makes it seem pointless to take even the very first steps. You have already taken the first steps in that you have mostly restricted yourself to scripted methadone whilst using street gear as a "reward". I see no problem in this as an opening salvo. I could never maintain such a strict regime in myself so I had to quit almost entirely all at once then spend the next decade or so dabbling around the fringes longing for crumbs.
You are doing great. Your life, your lovelife, your self-awareness of these and perhaps a number of other things do seem still shrouded in the meso regions of opie hell. This is a painful place to reside. They all are but this especially so as you are caught so specifically betwixt and between two incompatible worlds. I am still not convinced that "straight" world is for me so I still use a fair quantity and variety of drugs - including opiates and opioids (obviously at significantly lower extent as I once did) - but I am gradually becoming more immersed in it. Slowly, very slowly (cos I was a very long way away from any aspect of it for a very long time) but I can say unequivocally that my life looks better since biting the bullet and quitting the full extent of opie use and abuse.
Don't get me wrong, there are still issues for sure. However, I feel more able to conquer them. Drugs - especially opiates and opioids (and several others...) - made it feel and seem easy but very obviously (in hindsight) made things far, far harder. Would things have been hard anyway? Yup. Would I be in a better position now if I'd skipped the druggy stuff? I must admit I have my doubts still. I find most comfort in that I pushed every envelope I know of in that area as far as I could possibly go and came back wanting more. What I wanted was - as Allein so beautifully pointed out - was love. What I discovered (and hopefully have learned) is that the two are not compatible as one is entirely self-obsessed and self-focussed whilst the other is the polar and direct antipode.
I feel my drugginess had damaged me somewhat in this regard. Not irrevocably but damaged all the same. I also feel my drugginess has enhanced me as a person and a human being. To a point. There is only so far that point can be pushed until it breaks down completely and becomes pure wallowing though in my opinion. I don't criticise in this regard cos I did done a shitload. If I would dare to suggest or "advise" anything it would be moderation. Lay off the extremes on either side and things really do improve. In my experience anyway. Nobody wants a junky fuckup, but equally nobody wants an icky goody twoshoes. There is a balance to be had. My opinion and so forth.
Best of luck and don't be so hard on yourself
PS: If your DSP are trying to up your 'done when you want none of it then fuck it off. At your own pace. If they prescribe you more take less. There is always a safety net if it becomes too much. Take your destiny in your own hands as far as you are able. Relying purely on the system gets none of us anywhere worth having. Think like a junkie, act like a human being - take what is on offer and make it your own to suit your own true desire. Then revel in telling them you stopped taking your script months ago and have returned what is left to your pharmacist for destruction.
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steewith2ees
Bluelight Crew
Shambles i dont know what to say - you have summed up all of my personal contradictions perfectly. On a micro scale though the stupid (dominant) part of my brain still thinks it can both have and eat cake. While disengagement from strong opiates is the only way ill see past my 40th birthday, i still cant ever see myself not using some kind of drug (and i dont include alcohol in that statement - im not a massive fan). I was only saying to another bluelighter recently that my only real aspiration for this summer is to get to hear some loud electonic club/rave music at a public dance while under the influence of pills/mdxx
Feeling as miserable as i have this week has given me the excuse to behave attrociously. After reducing my heroin use to 1 - 3 times a month ive scored 3 times this week, with the heroin and weed combining to create an antideppressant effect of epic if drowsy proportions, and with the gear being of reasonable quality, it has also potentiated my methadone to create 8 - 10 hour super nods.
The only saving grace is that due to my general opiated sedation i havnt touched a benzodiazepine since monday.
Its a pathetic way to deal with my pathetic reaction to the weekends events, i think i have that much insight at least. I have a long way to go yet
Feeling as miserable as i have this week has given me the excuse to behave attrociously. After reducing my heroin use to 1 - 3 times a month ive scored 3 times this week, with the heroin and weed combining to create an antideppressant effect of epic if drowsy proportions, and with the gear being of reasonable quality, it has also potentiated my methadone to create 8 - 10 hour super nods.
The only saving grace is that due to my general opiated sedation i havnt touched a benzodiazepine since monday.
Its a pathetic way to deal with my pathetic reaction to the weekends events, i think i have that much insight at least. I have a long way to go yet