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childhood friend with cancer looks like he's not going to make it.

hexagram

hexagram

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 27, 2012
Messages
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So for a few years now a good friend of mine (although we haven't been super close for a while I'd still consider him a good friend) has been battling a malignant brain tumor. He's been hospitalized again recently and I'm now informed it looks like it's very unlikely he's going to survive.

We grew up together and were best friends, he's the son of my parent's friends and we had such a good time. He's probably one of the funniest people I know, and is charming, intelligent, and extremely likable. Like I said, we haven't been close close for a few years, but we worked together on a sixth form project three years ago and I remember laughing so hard I cried, we had a blast. He always came on our traditional family Christmas eve walks, he was such a fun happy guy.

I always hoped I'd see my childhood friends grow up to be happy, get married, and have kids themselves who are friends like we were. It kills me that he might not ever be able to. That his life will probably be cut so short. I know it's cliched, but it just seems so unfair.

So I guess i'm just posting this because I know on BL people have been through a lot and experienced a lot, and could probably give some good advice with how to come to terms with things like this. I'm 23 with very little experience of death and how to cope with loss.
 
Sad times Hex <3

If he doesn't pull through you will cope and you'll just do it. The only advice I'd give is to not try and and find solice in drugs. Nearly all the answers are clichéd, time being a healer, remember the best of him, times shared and to be thankful for them.

I'd imagine he's suffering quite a bit so maybe try and find some comfort in the fact he's no longer in pain.

It's shit, but that's the way it is. You will cope, you'll find your own way.

I hope he pulls through and you share another laugh <3
 
Aw, mate <3 I'm gutted for you.

Just remember five little words to get you through the worst of the times: The Sun will shine again. It really does get better, however much you may be feeling the opposite at first, as your brain filters your memories of your friend and files the best ones in an easy place to get to.
 
hexagram said:
So for a few years now a good friend of mine (although we haven't been super close for a while I'd still consider him a good friend) has been battling a malignant brain tumor. He's been hospitalized again recently and I'm now informed it looks like it's very unlikely he's going to survive.

We grew up together and were best friends, he's the son of my parent's friends and we had such a good time. He's probably one of the funniest people I know, and is charming, intelligent, and extremely likable. Like I said, we haven't been close close for a few years, but we worked together on a sixth form project three years ago and I remember laughing so hard I cried, we had a blast. He always came on our traditional family Christmas eve walks, he was such a fun happy guy.

I always hoped I'd see my childhood friends grow up to be happy, get married, and have kids themselves who are friends like we were. It kills me that he might not ever be able to. That his life will probably be cut so short. I know it's cliched, but it just seems so unfair.

So I guess i'm just posting this because I know on BL people have been through a lot and experienced a lot, and could probably give some good advice with how to come to terms with things like this. I'm 23 with very little experience of death and how to cope with loss.
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I'm sorry to hear about your friend. You're right, life is unfair, and those who insist on searching for some greater sense of cosmic justice when it comes to situations like these only serve to frustrate and disappoint themselves.

All that I can tell you is that anything you can do to show your friend and his family what he's meant to you, will mean the world to them -- both before and after he passes (though, I pray he doesn't).

Even if you just reach out and take the time to remind him of how much you laughed together during you sixth form project, it will mean the world to him. Don't underestimate the power of sending a hand written note or a letter that simply recounts your fond memories together, and lets him know that you care. When someone is in that place, the hardest part typically isn't coping with the fear of death, but the pain of not knowing whether, or how much, you really matter to those around you. When I would visit my grandfather in the nursing home, never once did he tell me he was sad that he was dying. But I do remember him heartbroken as he told me that he thought more people would have cared enough to come see him in his final days.

Despite living in today's world of constant contact and interconnectivity, your friend might be sat looking at his phone and wondering why nobody's texting him, even just to say "hello." Communication doesn't have to be all heavy and drenched in sympathy, either. Sending him a funny video, or even venting to him about someone who you both think is an asshole can help him escape his current circumstance, even if just for a few minutes.

If he does pass, you should make a promise to yourself now that you'll attend his funeral and spend time with his family afterwards. I never understood the importance of this tradition until a close family member of mine died unexpectedly. I hadn't dealt with grief like that before in my life, and I didn't know how I'd get through it. It wasn't until the funeral service, when I saw the faces of those who cared enough to leave work and school to pay their respects come into the room, one by one, that I was overwhelmed with deep appreciation and a profound sense of support and pride. Since then I've made sure to attend every funeral of a friend or a friend's family member I possibly can.

Afterwards, take his family aside and remind them that he was your best friend. Remind them that he was charming, intelligent, and the funniest person you've ever know. Tell them about how happy he was, and how happy he made you. Those compliments won't cost you a dime, but long after the service is over and his parents begin their own grieving process, your words will console them in ways only a parent who has lost a child can understand.

Best of luck to you and to your friend.

SG
 
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My ex-girlfriend of 7 years had what was supposed to be terminal brain cancer and has since gone into remission. When she seemed like she wasn't going to make it for years it was easily the hardest thing I ever went through. I used drugs to escape and that made me feel horrible. I cried so much during that time. I thought I was going to lose the person closest to me in the world. I so much wished I would be the terminally ill one instead, but alas that is not how these things work. I'm also 23 and unfortunately I've experienced a ton of loss, and I still don't cope with very well. I used be very openly emotional but slowly I've become very closed and it sucks to be this way. I lost my cousin this summer to a freak illness. She got sick and died within 24 hours due to a tick bite. I was unable to cry over it until only very recently. All I can say is be very open with your emotions, and if you find yourself being more closed don't beat yourself up for it.
 
Thats really sad and there is nothing to be done but keep up the hope and visit your mate as much as you can as im sure they would appreciate going thro' old memories of good times had. People do go in to remission and some don't , thems the cards that your'e dealt.

BTW cannabis oil isn't such a 'joke' on this matter and when you have nothing to lose then why not try other methods of healing there are many, Gerson therapy, various different drug cominations etc;personally I would dread having poison injected in to me or being fried by xrays but thats, as i say, my own feelings.

Keep strong for your friend - and memories don't die, I hope you find a way of dealing with this horrible situation, i'm sure you will.
L&H's
 
I lost my mum 18 years ago this year she died from a brain tumour, she had it for 5 years through several operations and a really shit time, but me and brothers and sisters all got together and done the best we could, we made new memories so we had as many good times as possible. My only advice is try and make as many good times as you can, get the things you would like to do and go for it. in the past year I have lost a cousin, an uncle 2 friends and currently waiting on another to die, she had cancer of the womb and although she had a hysterectomy, she just found out some of it went onto her bowel and bladder, they are looking at trying to prolong her life as long as possible but we are not sure how its going to work she has 2 little girls the oldest being 14, its heartbreaking but we do things like spa days and various day trips with her and the girls so making the most of whatever time she does have left. It's difficult no matter what age, but when you have not been on this planet that long to do what most of us take for granted it does seem to sting a little worse.
 
I'm so sorry hexagram, this is going to hurt. Nothing will take that hurt away but you must let yourself cry and think of all the good times and cry them out. Those are memories you'll have in your heart for ever. This is just what life is sweetheart, its all part of it.

Peace and love <3
 
thanks so much for your words of support <3

he's being moved to a hospice tommorow, hopefully i'll be able to see him soon.

my girlfriend's reaction is upsetting me a bit. Don't get me wrong, she's not a monster, she's a good girl and I know she does care. It's just she tries to deal with bad things in life by pretending they aren't happening. That's always been her coping mechanism, especially with 'big' things like this that she doesn't really understand, she finds it all a bit intense and feels like she doesn't really know what to say. Which I appreciate but I need her to try and be a bit more supportive and talkative about it :/
 
You're in our thoughts hex, this is a hard time for you but your strong and you'll get through it. You're being brave. Not everyone can deal with grief (I'm awful with it) so don't hold it against her. But keep going for a little bit longer and make memories with him, try for laughs, talk, it'll help you both through. Never forget BL is here for you. Peace & Love <3
 
it's also a shame that one of the songs I would have accosiated with him was 'Last Summer' by Lostprophets, as we went on all our childhood summer holidays together, and grew up in the nu metal era. But baby raping cunt watkins had to fuck it all up didn't he.
 
I lost my best mate a year and a half ago but in a sudden unexpected way so the shock element was there no thought before or worry before, but shock and guilt (founded or not) replaced that. I found him dead on my floor when I woke up :(

It's not easy at all. But it is getting ever so much easier to deal/reconcile with. I reckon it's perm scarred me though, hopefully in a load of years it will be even better but it sucks beyond belief, doesn't feel real, thinking of it constantly, picturing him when trying to sleep etc... It also seems to just come in waves, you will forget a little bit for say a day or more if you are with different friends but then you remember and it drags you down.

If I think about it too much I would just end up...a husk or a balling chimp, or an angry bear. So as you can see I am dealing with it all perfectly :/
 
I know what you're going through as I lost two friends last year.
My advice would be to encourage your friend to be optimistic and think positive (easier said than done I know) and not to give up. I don't believe everything I read or watch, however recently I watched a DVD called the secret, a lady who was only given weeks to live cured her cancer by positive thinking and watching lots of comedies etc with her husband - they say laughter is the best medicine and her story was somewhat believable. At first I dismissed "the secret" as a load of nonsense mumbo jumbo, however after reluctantly watching it, it made a lot of sense. Reminding him of the 6th form project would be a good start.
 
found out today that he passed away peacefully in his sleep last night. my heart will always be with you my friend, I love you <3
 
Hope your ok mate - not much one can say but If your friends with his family they would ,i'm sure, appreciate your company and maybe offer to help at the funeral.
 
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