Only time I've smiled in recent memory was when I first got back to Chicago from cali and had the mentality of " no matter how hard the obsession hurts, I have to forget it to be happy"
Not many days later that peace of mind I had from smoking and not taking xanax disappeared as the urge to pop Xannies crept in my mind.
Ever since then I am always in my head talking to myself, trying to figure out solutions to problems that are purely based from my ocd. I spend my entire day just scraping by for the past month.
I took adderall today and the black/white change in mood and personality is scary.
I am usually unbelievably agitated. For example, if I just woke up from sleeping and I'm in the quiet peace of mind of just waking, and I here my dog Mia bark, it immediately sets my thinking into a " fuck this everything sucks nothing will ever be happy or the same again"
I've told myself this lie during the initial adderall episodes by possibly guilting myself for using drugs and therefore I started having obsessions in which I'd have to interrupt anytime I was relaxing.
I fear I kept this self sabotage going so long untreated that it's become my baseline.
I would not of chosen to take part of this life having to live with this specific addiction as it seems to play the key role into me feeling like a normal human again and I simply am being afraid to let myself be temporarily labeled "fake" and a "lier" off of nothing but fear and lack of real evidence that everything I do is wrong.
So I guess my question is, do I feel so discontent sober because of the abuse I did with adderall for a few years ? And if so, do people ever get back to there baseline before using or close to?
Or did I dig a whole for myself with my addictive , stubborn, isolated Personality to where I can never feel the content peace of mind without the medicine? My ocd is beyond extreme and I was psychotic for a few days in my xanax withdrawal and my adderall stops the ruminating thoughts as if I took xanax for the first time in my life.
I abused adderall heavy for 2 years and ever since then the comedowns can be incredibly painful and distressing to the point that the relief doesn't seem worth it for that pain.
I started addiction 12 step treatment and soberliving April of 2014, I relapsed I think 3 times. Last time around I only lasted I think 4 days in the soberliving because the obsession that I am missing out on my 20s and the fun of drugs was so strong I had to go home.
Now I'm in the shoes where the drugs aren't helping because I am by myself always and thinking myself to misery. The adderall is like a magic pill at this point, I'm 23 and I can't commit to living the rest of my life sober in the AA community this young
I've never done heroin or shot up. I consider oxys the "hardest" drug I've done. It's concerning that I'm now open to taking pain killers when a few years ago I'd know better but I'm so hurt now that It stops that pain and don't care about the stigma perhaps anymore.
I know I can never shoot up any drug.
Adderall is the most addictive drug for me that I should allow myself to take. It fills the void you seek to, you don't not ever need to try heroin or meth.
My life without this medicine at the moment is leading to suicidal thoughts, weight gain, and a deep numb feeling that tells me I've lost my old happy self forever. Does anyone have some advice for me? I am very frustrated going back and forth from Chicago to SoCal for addiction treatment. I can't get into the 12 steps so that route isn't viable to me anymore. I feel I'm very smart and know what's going on with how I feel and I am in desperate need of relief from this issue with my adderall.
Part of me says I don't feel I deserve to be happy.
This part screams at me when I use drugs.
When I go sober, I obsess all day about using and I make no progress.
The not knowing what's going on with me and how to fix it is so old. It's 3 weeks to get an appointment with most psychiatrist and you have to get lucky to find a person I trust.
If a doctor straight up told me- alex, when you abused Adderall for that time period, you caused irrevesable damage to your dopamine receptors and will NEVER feel the same NATURALLY again due to the abuse I was in the middle of, usually like 100mg+ of ir Adderall starting in 2012, I would be okay with that because I would know what I need to do to feel better. When I'm playing doctor, I ether assume the absolute worst, I.E I'll never be happy again. Abuse started dying out at the end of the 2013 year in which I went into treatment The following April in 2014, relapsed in the summer , relapsed in the fall, and relapsed again in the winter.
I'm so fucking stubborn, would you just try to make the Adderall work so you wouldn't feel empty without it? Or would you say fuck it I'm just going to be stone cold sober? Weed leads me to xanax in the past which leads to opiates or Adderall, and I don't want to give up pot so bad aswell. I fear my life is going to be fucking dull and I'll forever lack any meaning to my pursuit of happiness. Basically brain dead at 23 is what my ocd is telling me.
Thank you to anyone that helps me, I don't know who else to go to that would understand the science behind the medicine and how I'm functioning as a human. (Awful self esteem, fearful, feeling of impending doom constantly where I can't relax since I'm playing "defense" against my intrusive thoughts because it's gotten the point that I will
Believe. The intrusive thoughts based on how they make me feel and I make those feelings facts and have assumed I'm a child rapist, a killer and just awful when Ive never been violent, I get along with most everyone and the idea of hurting another person disturbs me so much that I buy into the fear even tho I feel I'd never of have that thought if I didn't have ocd .
Do you think its my biology that's damaged or do you think that my mind is just gone and causing self pity? I don't think I'd choice to take part in life in the first place if this was going to be in gameplan of life and I can't fathom how Id go through 60 more years of hell... Girls are cool but I don't want to get married to "fix" things or a kid, I want to fix this shit on my own preferably and move on with my life or I wish life had a painless suicide button that I could press and end it, that's how dark I get when I'm feeling numb without the adderall doses(40mgx3 a day)
Not many days later that peace of mind I had from smoking and not taking xanax disappeared as the urge to pop Xannies crept in my mind.
Ever since then I am always in my head talking to myself, trying to figure out solutions to problems that are purely based from my ocd. I spend my entire day just scraping by for the past month.
I took adderall today and the black/white change in mood and personality is scary.
I am usually unbelievably agitated. For example, if I just woke up from sleeping and I'm in the quiet peace of mind of just waking, and I here my dog Mia bark, it immediately sets my thinking into a " fuck this everything sucks nothing will ever be happy or the same again"
I've told myself this lie during the initial adderall episodes by possibly guilting myself for using drugs and therefore I started having obsessions in which I'd have to interrupt anytime I was relaxing.
I fear I kept this self sabotage going so long untreated that it's become my baseline.
I would not of chosen to take part of this life having to live with this specific addiction as it seems to play the key role into me feeling like a normal human again and I simply am being afraid to let myself be temporarily labeled "fake" and a "lier" off of nothing but fear and lack of real evidence that everything I do is wrong.
So I guess my question is, do I feel so discontent sober because of the abuse I did with adderall for a few years ? And if so, do people ever get back to there baseline before using or close to?
Or did I dig a whole for myself with my addictive , stubborn, isolated Personality to where I can never feel the content peace of mind without the medicine? My ocd is beyond extreme and I was psychotic for a few days in my xanax withdrawal and my adderall stops the ruminating thoughts as if I took xanax for the first time in my life.
I abused adderall heavy for 2 years and ever since then the comedowns can be incredibly painful and distressing to the point that the relief doesn't seem worth it for that pain.
I started addiction 12 step treatment and soberliving April of 2014, I relapsed I think 3 times. Last time around I only lasted I think 4 days in the soberliving because the obsession that I am missing out on my 20s and the fun of drugs was so strong I had to go home.
Now I'm in the shoes where the drugs aren't helping because I am by myself always and thinking myself to misery. The adderall is like a magic pill at this point, I'm 23 and I can't commit to living the rest of my life sober in the AA community this young
I've never done heroin or shot up. I consider oxys the "hardest" drug I've done. It's concerning that I'm now open to taking pain killers when a few years ago I'd know better but I'm so hurt now that It stops that pain and don't care about the stigma perhaps anymore.
I know I can never shoot up any drug.
Adderall is the most addictive drug for me that I should allow myself to take. It fills the void you seek to, you don't not ever need to try heroin or meth.
My life without this medicine at the moment is leading to suicidal thoughts, weight gain, and a deep numb feeling that tells me I've lost my old happy self forever. Does anyone have some advice for me? I am very frustrated going back and forth from Chicago to SoCal for addiction treatment. I can't get into the 12 steps so that route isn't viable to me anymore. I feel I'm very smart and know what's going on with how I feel and I am in desperate need of relief from this issue with my adderall.
Part of me says I don't feel I deserve to be happy.
This part screams at me when I use drugs.
When I go sober, I obsess all day about using and I make no progress.
The not knowing what's going on with me and how to fix it is so old. It's 3 weeks to get an appointment with most psychiatrist and you have to get lucky to find a person I trust.
If a doctor straight up told me- alex, when you abused Adderall for that time period, you caused irrevesable damage to your dopamine receptors and will NEVER feel the same NATURALLY again due to the abuse I was in the middle of, usually like 100mg+ of ir Adderall starting in 2012, I would be okay with that because I would know what I need to do to feel better. When I'm playing doctor, I ether assume the absolute worst, I.E I'll never be happy again. Abuse started dying out at the end of the 2013 year in which I went into treatment The following April in 2014, relapsed in the summer , relapsed in the fall, and relapsed again in the winter.
I'm so fucking stubborn, would you just try to make the Adderall work so you wouldn't feel empty without it? Or would you say fuck it I'm just going to be stone cold sober? Weed leads me to xanax in the past which leads to opiates or Adderall, and I don't want to give up pot so bad aswell. I fear my life is going to be fucking dull and I'll forever lack any meaning to my pursuit of happiness. Basically brain dead at 23 is what my ocd is telling me.
Thank you to anyone that helps me, I don't know who else to go to that would understand the science behind the medicine and how I'm functioning as a human. (Awful self esteem, fearful, feeling of impending doom constantly where I can't relax since I'm playing "defense" against my intrusive thoughts because it's gotten the point that I will
Believe. The intrusive thoughts based on how they make me feel and I make those feelings facts and have assumed I'm a child rapist, a killer and just awful when Ive never been violent, I get along with most everyone and the idea of hurting another person disturbs me so much that I buy into the fear even tho I feel I'd never of have that thought if I didn't have ocd .
Do you think its my biology that's damaged or do you think that my mind is just gone and causing self pity? I don't think I'd choice to take part in life in the first place if this was going to be in gameplan of life and I can't fathom how Id go through 60 more years of hell... Girls are cool but I don't want to get married to "fix" things or a kid, I want to fix this shit on my own preferably and move on with my life or I wish life had a painless suicide button that I could press and end it, that's how dark I get when I'm feeling numb without the adderall doses(40mgx3 a day)
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