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Afraid of....life?

d-nihl

d-nihl

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 18, 2013
Messages
125
Location
New Jersey
Why do I do drugs? I am on day 6 of no H and suboxone, and yet I still want to use. I am afraid to go to meetings. I am currently still smoking weed to help me sleep, but I want to be sober completely. Why am I so afraid of the unknown.

Im afraid to change. how great can I be? what can I accomplish?? I almost don't want to know. I look at others, the people in AA/NA and want to be them so bad, but when its time for me to step up, im afraid, and I back down...

I am comfortable with failure. failure has just become daily routine.

I am so fucking afraid of myself.
 
Fear is an emotion.. the unconscious mind uses emotion to manipulate the conscious mind. The unconscious mind is where the addiction is. It does not want you to address your addiction because then it will lose. So it sends fear at you. Until you are able to heal from the addiction you need to learn not to trust your emotions.

Look up the meeting times in your area and plan to go tomorrow. Then just go. Everybody there will have had to swallow the same fear and walk in. So they will have been where you are at and will understand.

Meetings are certainly not all the same so try a whole bunch out if your in an area where there are a bunch of them. Just mosey around to a bunch until you find a few that fit you well. Stick around for awhile after and mingle with people.. I know early in recovery this may not be easy, but its a good idea to try and get the most out of the fellowships.

If there is NA in your area I would definitely check that out as well.

The addicted part of your brain wants you to fail cause then it "wins." Its not very bright. consider taking the time to read the divided self chapter I have linked in this thread. The addicted part of the brain is the elephant, your conscious mind is the rider. If you dig what you read I would check the whole book out of the library as its full of great stuff. Its linked in post 2.

The Brain and Addiction


Your doing amazing and should be almost done with the acutes... NICE WORK!!! =D
 
neversickanymore said:
...Your doing amazing and should be almost done with the acutes... NICE WORK!!! =D
Click to expand...

I needed this little bit of encouragement from a stranger so badly today haha...rough day I guess..coming to terms with the fact that im never turning back..and not gonna lie that's a little difficult to fathom at the current moment...
 
d-nihl said:
I needed this little bit of encouragement from a stranger so badly today haha...rough day I guess..coming to terms with the fact that im never turning back..and not gonna lie that's a little difficult to fathom at the current moment...
Click to expand...

You will likely need more than a bit of encouragement over the next year or so.. thats why we band together to help each other deal with this:D
 
d-nihl, I think it is really good to remember that fear is a big part of life. Fear of risk, fear of failure, fear of being judged when we do fail. It is something that every sngle one of us deals with to varying degrees. Drugs gave you a way to avoid feeling fear when it presented itself. Now you are experiencing acute WDs, probaly moving into PAWS and adjusting to giving up that safe cloud that you were used to using to avoid the feelings. That is a lot to deal with.

Change is scary, but it is also exciting. The changes you are making right now are courageous. Most people take for granted how heroic the struggle to change yourself really is. We do it all inside, alone. And we do it--if we choose--until the day we die. I'm 61 and I am still getting better at facing my fears, at changing my thoughts and assumptions about myself and everything else. You're in a good fight. Stay strong and keep pushing through. <3
 
d-nihl said:
Why do I do drugs? I am on day 6 of no H and suboxone, and yet I still want to use. I am afraid to go to meetings. I am currently still smoking weed to help me sleep, but I want to be sober completely. Why am I so afraid of the unknown.

Im afraid to change. how great can I be? what can I accomplish?? I almost don't want to know. I look at others, the people in AA/NA and want to be them so bad, but when its time for me to step up, im afraid, and I back down...

I am comfortable with failure. failure has just become daily routine.

I am so fucking afraid of myself.
Click to expand...

first, congrats on 6 days of no heroin/suboxone

when I last quit suboxone, the first 6 days were so rough on me. I was utterly miserable and nothing felt good, normal, or enjoyable.

This is why you still want to use drugs. It's all right, and will pass when you're recovered. Just know you're doing the right thing by abstaining.

Wait until you're feeling better, then quit smoking pot if you still want to do that - that's what I would do. It's a lot better to smoke pot to get sleep, than to go through withdrawal not getting sleep. In studies of relapse in alcoholics, a lack of sleep was the best predictor of a relapse. I'm sure this extends to other CNS depressants as well; most CNS depressants, when users go through withdrawals, will have issues attaining quality sleep.

my advice is to not go to meetings. Don't expose yourself to other addicted individuals. That might sound prejudicial of me, but right now you should be thinking about your recovery, and gearing your mind away from drugs. AA/NA is essentially a huge reinforcement of thinking about/obsessing about drugs. This isn't good for the long term, if you're truly trying to gear your life fully away from drugs.
 
herbavore said:
Change is scary, but it is also exciting. The changes you are making right now are courageous. Most people take for granted how heroic the struggle to change yourself really is. We do it all inside, alone. And we do it--if we choose--until the day we die. I'm 61 and I am still getting better at facing my fears, at changing my thoughts and assumptions about myself and everything else. You're in a good fight. Stay strong and keep pushing through. <3
Click to expand...
...thank you herb, that was inspiring.

And captain H, thanks man, that's a good POV. the sleep is the worst, and pot is just the only thing that can knock me out, no joke. Exercise is the only thing that can bring me outta this, so im starting the elliptical and light weights.
 
You are doing brilliantly, give yourself credit where it is due. Fear and anxiety are heightened in withdrawal, it really does start to get better with time. Try to take things one step at a time and not worry too much about the future. You've already taken a huge leap forward just quitting, the rest will come with time and patience.
 
dont beat yourself up so much!!!! give yourself a break man...you are all up in your head!!! write a list of all the good things you like about yourself, and then go do something.... try to go exercsie if you can... it really really helps especially in the first couple weeks of being sober. dont beat yourself up for having using thoughts, these thoughts are not personal. they happen to ALL of us.. sobriety and life have so much to offer; im not going to say it is better, but it living life without relying on drugs, is just, idk. it is aw-inspiring. some days i feel like all i want is a fat shot, but i know even that fat shot will not fill that hole inside.

life is a bitch, but life is also amazing. its the good and the bad that mix together to make a rich fertile mess i call life. things never stay the same, there is always always a challenge. if life wasnt difficult, then there would be no triumphs, no victories won, no feeling happy. its when i resist feeling shitty, feeling anxious, like i want life to go MY way, i want everyone to act how I WANT them to. if i just accept how things are, those bad feelings dont feel as intense, and i can enjoy the better side of life.

just like an annoying situation at work, accept how you feel right now. dont fight it. there is a reason you feel like shit, you are coming off a serious drug. it isnt easy, but this experience is there for a reason. it is in your life to teach you something. i believe that drug addiction came into my life to teach me how to love myself so that i could reach that high without having to use drugs. so that i could experience life to the fullest and i could become the unfiltered person who i am meant to be, my "true self." so that i could toss away societal conditioning that tells me if i dont kick myself when im down in the dirt, i wil never get back up. but that is bullshit.

ask yourself....if you were face-down in the mud, better yet- if you were face down in the mud, and it started to rain, then a dog shat on your back, and your leg got ran over by a car, would you want someone to walk by and curb stomp your face, or would you want someone to reach down and offer you that helping hand?

be the person who you would want yourself to be, if that makes any sense. do not feel ashamed of who you are, that you have had problems with heroin and opiates. just try to love yourself unconditionally. love is what will offer you the helping hand IMO/IME. not aa/na, not beating yourself up because you smoke weed here and there, not society, not your mom who scolds you because you inject drugs into your arm, dont believe any of that!!

you deserve so much in life,
-laC
 
lots of great posts and advice on here. I suggest fully reading the response above if you having a bad day. sends a great message!

Unfortunately at exactly one week, I cracked and did 2 bags!!! I did not enjoy it. im just gonna take it as a learning curve and try not to let it affect me. if I just don't slip up again its not that bad yeh?

well that's only 1 dose in 10 days, pretty good! at least in that week I did a lot more good than bad, unike most weeks.
 
d-nihl said:
lots of great posts and advice on here. I suggest fully reading the response above if you having a bad day. sends a great message!

Unfortunately at exactly one week, I cracked and did 2 bags!!! I did not enjoy it. im just gonna take it as a learning curve and try not to let it affect me. if I just don't slip up again its not that bad yeh?

well that's only 1 dose in 10 days, pretty good! at least in that week I did a lot more good than bad, unlike most weeks.
Click to expand...

Its a process. If we end up using we need to look at it as a lesson. What do we need to change oe address so it wont happen again. Then we make the necessary adjustments and keep moving forward. Quit being being hard on yourself.. this is hard enough;)

I did not enjoy it.
Click to expand...

Addiction is one big mind fuck. When it attempts to drive us to use it sends these "memories" of insanely pleasurable experiences. They are TOTAL FANTASY. They always say an addict chases the first high, but can never find it. Thats because what we chase never happened.. we are chasing a fantasy that is wielded on us as a "memory."

It pourpose is to drive us to use. Learn how it works and you wont get played by its nonsense:)

Your doing great! Keep rolling !
 
laCster said:
dont beat yourself up so much!!!! give yourself a break man...you are all up in your head!!! write a list of all the good things you like about yourself, and then go do something.... try to go exercsie if you can... it really really helps especially in the first couple weeks of being sober. dont beat yourself up for having using thoughts, these thoughts are not personal. they happen to ALL of us.. sobriety and life have so much to offer; im not going to say it is better, but it living life without relying on drugs, is just, idk. it is aw-inspiring. some days i feel like all i want is a fat shot, but i know even that fat shot will not fill that hole inside.

life is a bitch, but life is also amazing. its the good and the bad that mix together to make a rich fertile mess i call life. things never stay the same, there is always always a challenge. if life wasnt difficult, then there would be no triumphs, no victories won, no feeling happy. its when i resist feeling shitty, feeling anxious, like i want life to go MY way, i want everyone to act how I WANT them to. if i just accept how things are, those bad feelings dont feel as intense, and i can enjoy the better side of life.

just like an annoying situation at work, accept how you feel right now. dont fight it. there is a reason you feel like shit, you are coming off a serious drug. it isnt easy, but this experience is there for a reason. it is in your life to teach you something. i believe that drug addiction came into my life to teach me how to love myself so that i could reach that high without having to use drugs. so that i could experience life to the fullest and i could become the unfiltered person who i am meant to be, my "true self." so that i could toss away societal conditioning that tells me if i dont kick myself when im down in the dirt, i wil never get back up. but that is bullshit.

ask yourself....if you were face-down in the mud, better yet- if you were face down in the mud, and it started to rain, then a dog shat on your back, and your leg got ran over by a car, would you want someone to walk by and curb stomp your face, or would you want someone to reach down and offer you that helping hand?

be the person who you would want yourself to be, if that makes any sense. do not feel ashamed of who you are, that you have had problems with heroin and opiates. just try to love yourself unconditionally. love is what will offer you the helping hand IMO/IME. not aa/na, not beating yourself up because you smoke weed here and there, not society, not your mom who scolds you because you inject drugs into your arm, dont believe any of that!!

you deserve so much in life,
-laC
Click to expand...








I just want to say that this post gave me so mucn good feel vibes. Thank you. Been clean off Heroin for 5 days now and have only used a very small amount of a sub. First time detoxing and i feel better physically but my head still seems cloudy I'm feeling hopeful but its hard.
 
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