this is why ignorance is bliss.

[tocooperate]

i broke just now- a few extra pills to mask the pain. i dont want to know how it feels on the flip side.

i finally summoned the courage to ask "Her" a question. now 2 years broken up, who saw me through my lowest of lows, bottomed out on stims.. fucking up my chance to achieve all my musical aspirations..still see each other frequently enough.. no its not just "hanging out"..its a date and it feels the same as it was when we were an Us. or fuck maybe its just me..

i cant wait for her anymore, because im lonely. im fucking lonely despite friends and family and an internet of anonymous support. alone, im self-destructive, forgetful, simply a mess of aesthetic indifference and acceptance of squalor. i need someone to have a REASON to care about a life outside of fucking pills, regret and dreams ive failed upon.

her answer? a line that defined our whole relationship "i dont know. but i dont want you to waste your time".

the heartbreaking part is that not knowing is effectively: I dont know, but don't care to risk knowing, because we both agreed that because our age the next serious relationship in our lives are likely the ones that result in THE commitment. its just the way life works, 5 months with someone when you're "of the age" is the new flavor of the week. she judged her own fucking best friend for doing precisely that.

FUCK "i dont know"..why do I always have to reason my way to an answer that she could have had the decency to say as it is. That's a fucking coward move, "i don't know", take some fucking responsibility for providing at the least closure for someone you still care about. and it kills me that she will never know how long ive held on to the notion of another Us. shell never know why its so important to me RIGHT NOW, she'll never know i might have fucked my compliance to prescribed pills.

but maybe itll always just be this: she takes a picture of the skyline. i take pictures of her.


sorry if this needs to be in SLR forum- i just feel more comfortable here.

 

[herbavore]

It sounds like your heart is truly breaking and if that doesn't take you to the Dark Side, I don't know what will. Right now everything in your mind is wrapped up in craving the love and approval of this one human being. She may be wonderful, she may be worthy in every way of such adoration (I'm sure she is) but for you right now it would help to pull back from the tendency to pin all your happiness on her acceptance of you as a lover. Resolve to get some distance so you don't have the daily salt in the wound and try to concentrate on yourself for a bit. Do something different, change up your life in some way that is really engaging. If you look at all your needs as a human being and understand that you have relationships with each one you can focus on those. Do you like your work--does it hold a healthy place in your life? Do you have friends that you can count on and that you enjoy socializing with? Do you have a healthy relationship with your own body (exercise and diet, etc)? While we do have a very strong human need for intimacy and love, that is the one need we have that is not completely within our own control. The one aspect of control we do have is making sure that we have good healthy relationships with all the other "needs" we have so that when we do love we can love freely.

I know how much the sting of a heartbreak like this hurts. It is hard not to feel destroyed at a very primal level. But the way back to balance is to reclaim a relationship with yourself that can be depended on when these sort of losses happen--because, whether through rejection or crisis or even deaths, they always do. Stay well.

 

[tocooperate]

herbavore, you simply blow my mind every time with how *right* you are. you know why that's powerful ?l You effortlessly demonstrate that we are not alone in our seemingly private hells. others have walked your path, "youll be fine".I'll write again later, now as you've suggested I will actually piano rather than look at it and wallow in my misery

 

[nygiants1313]

All ima say is a man should never need a woman but simply want a woman. Needing and wanting are very different and i understand your want for love and affection but trust me man you do not need it. Once you truly understand this i believe you will be happy. Don't get me wrong women are awesome but the people i know who have the most success in love and relationships are the guys whose girls know they don't need them but solely want them

 

[herbavore]

^that's the truth, ny! For all of us of any gender or sexual persuasion I might add.

 

[tocooperate]

All ima say is a man should never need a woman but simply want a woman. Needing and wanting are very different and i understand your want for love and affection but trust me man you do not need it. Once you truly understand this i believe you will be happy. Don't get me wrong women are awesome but the people i know who have the most success in love and relationships are the guys whose girls know they don't need them but solely want them

your absolutely right, but my desire for companionship is all twisted up with a fear of destroying myself further than i am now, I need a reason to quit abusing, I know it should be for myself but I feel like such a loser in life as a whole, it's hard to escape the black hole without an external force to get the momentum.

):

 

[herbavore]

I was a "serial monogamist" since the age of fourteen. I never left a relationship until I was sure there was someone there to catch me before I fell. It was a way of not ever having to face how horrible I felt about myself. Then someone thankfully turned the tables on my in my twenties and broke my heart. I felt humiliated and alone and I started to turn it all inward against myself and all the old you-aren't-really-lovable tapes started to play in my head. I made a pact with myself to not be in a relationship for a whole year--until I could develop friendships and even go out on my own. I wanted to change the whole love/want/need relationship that had so much fear in it for me. Turned out to be the best thing I ever did and the start of healing from all those old negative perceptions I had about myself.

I know myself well enough to still admit that having someone else give me approval and love makes things way easier than if I have to be the source of that for myself. But really, I know I'm OK, and that feels good. Try to figure out some ways that you might never have thought of yet to engage with other things in your life (interests) so that you don't turn all the old self-destruction and negativity on yourself. You deserve a lot more.

 

[tocooperate]

I know myself well enough to still admit that having someone else give me approval and love makes things way easier than if I have to be the source of that for myself. But really, I know I'm OK, and that feels good. Try to figure out some ways that you might never have thought of yet to engage with other things in your life (interests) so that you don't turn all the old self-destruction and negativity on yourself. You deserve a lot more.

despite it all, i know this to be true. in the absence of music and songwriting in my life (after it all went the bad way), i turned my attention elsewhere- into computing and modding.. technology and electronics has always been an interest and it sort of took off after smartphones literally became handheld computers. but *then* i rapidly found myself in a whole different situation: i was now the nerdiest person out of all my friends. of course my ex at the time also did not understand why i had so many online friends.. as if the people in my life are not good enough. maybe that was true, i dont know, but a few months later she left me. it was my fault, i took her for granted, neglected her- but in my defense, she never truly cared about my passions. its perhaps because she ... well doesnt have any so to speak.

its been almost 2 years since i last wrote a song or so much as fiddled around on guitar. i was scared there was a chance i would write something so beautiful that it would seduce me, convince me all over again that my life had to be music, i would slack off at work and ruin this awesome job, the luck of which didnt deserve. it was the the only thing that forced me to moderate my abuse. well now im back at it (music), a girl from the past surfaced and made me feel terrible about giving it up. so i allowed myself to listen to recordings that i couldnt bring myself to listen to for a long while.

i knew it would happen- my adderall abuse is worse than ever- 1 month script used to last 3 weeks, then slowly it was 2 weeks, then the i could have sworn there were more left!?.. yea sure, im seasoned enough of an abuser now that the only side effects in my 2 weeks off are hunger and tiredness. or maybe ive just gotten used to being at a baseline depression, ive probably been depressed for a much longer time but the adderall masked it in the past. i realize now that i accept my depression- in fact at times it helps me feel better about myself to think: "its okay, you can't help it. its a real disease". ive been on the fence for a couple of months now about whether i want to tell my pdoc about the depression, but my last visit she actually asked me straight up whether ive ever felt depressed- i think i dropped the "L" word by accident (loneliness). ive been on SSRIs in the past, it was a horrible experience, so long story short im on wellbutrin + adderall combo which actually just potentiates the amphetamine making my binges last longer. ill be hitting the 2 weeks soon, curious to see how this 2 week off is like with anti-depressant in the blood.

you guys are the best. that felt real good to admit- but maybe thats cause im high. fuck