Feeling stuck (post shroom trip)

[seamus33333]

A year and four months ago I took psilocybin mushrooms for the first time. It was about a gram. At first, it was great. I was having a really good time with a friend who was also taking it for the first time. After some minutes, the friend started freaking out and crying. She finally calmed down after a while and they both started cracking up, watching videos, exploring the woods, listening to music, etc. My dog got loose and had to chase it around the neighborhood for a good half hour. Even this didn't freak him out. He actually enjoyed it. I went inside after a while and started freaking out.

I don't know if this has anything to do with it, but I used my laptop camera to take pictures. And they say not to do that. But regardless, the feeling started and he tried to shake it off by laying down with his dog with the TV on, but the TV just pissed me off and laying with the dog was a really scary experience because I felt like one with the dog and saw crazy visuals. I went back downstairs with his friend but eventually had to get up to cry because he was so scared. First I called my friend who tried hard, but barely helped. Then I called my mom which called him down a lot. The mental pain was absolutely terrible. It was the worst feeling I have ever felt. Words can't describe the mental fucking this shit did to my brain.

I felt like he was either going to die, be stuck like that forever, or at least have to call the ambulance. Imagine: being stuck in something far worse than a panic attack for the rest of your life. That's how I felt. I was also afraid of the life that he would have with his friends and family, how disappointed they would be to have to lock their loved one away in a mental hospital for the rest of my life. I can't express enough how scary this all was to him. Everything in my yard, house, back porch, table, chairs, familiar trees... all seemed so foreign. Familiar, like he knew what they were, but somehow so different and all too terrifying. It felt like I was in another dimension. One where everything looked the same, but was completely different. And it stayed this way for months to come.

I finally calmed down and went to bed, but still felt different. But he just thought it was the effects of the drug wearing off. Too bad the trip was already long over, but also just getting started. The next day, I woke up and immediately felt the same as I did going to sleep. This is when I realized that the strange feeling I felt before bed was no longer the trip, but the start of the long lasting after effects of extreme depersonalization and disconnection that would change his life to this day. I could go on forever about how I felt, but you get the point. At work that day, everything just seemed so strange. I was afraid to talk to people, found it hard to concentrate, put sentences together, felt like he didn't belong, like everyone was against him. I talked to some friends after work at my new second job as an actor at a haunted house, but they only made him feel stranger. This feeling continued every day for months. The first few days were the strangest, but the days after the first were the worst because this is when I realized I was not getting better.

So many things ran through my head, anxiety, depression, depersonalization, etc. The world was a different place now. I kept thinking things would get better, but they never did. I was really disappointed because (this sounds fucked up, but) really wanted to be able to do drugs again without feeling this way. And not only shrooms. But he was too scared. I realIzed that much of the anxiety went away after realizing that I couldn't do drugs anymore and stopped planning on doing them. It made life easier because he didn't have to worry about how they would make him feel. A drug free future was an anxiety free present. This sounds weird, I know. But even though the anxiety (obsessive thoughts) was gone, I still couldn't get a grasp on reality. Everything was still different, like my eyes were too far back in my head or like life was an automated television program.

My terrible anxiety associated with the trip and drugs is gone, but depression and general anxiety still lingers. And also, I still don't feel like I did before he took the drug (real). I still have depersonalization. It's not as bad as it was right after doing the drug, but this doesn't mean it doesn't still affect me. It affects me a lot actually. I just think the drug associated anxiety is gone. I also think it's possible that I just got used to it. I really doesn't know how to describe it. But I have hit a plateau. Not getting better, not getting worse, just stuck. I have started hooking up with random people, smoking cigarettes daily and smoking weed multiple times a week to numb these terrible feelings of anxiety, depression, and disconnection.

These feelings aren't as scary anymore, but they are really affecting my life. I am only 17, president of a school club, has a job, is in AP classes, going to college, has and awesome social life, and loves theatre. These details are irrelevant, but it's just to show he's not a bad or stupid person and he just wants more than anything to feel the way he did before taking the shrooms--real. I have all of this going for me and want to be able to enjoy it all. Every time I think I might be enjoying myself, I realize I'm still stuck in a depersonalized state. I have tried many things: therapy, talking to friends, different diets, eliminating coffee, just plain old ignoring it, but nothing can get rid of the pain. Or should I say non pain. I am sometimes able to have a good time, but it's never the same. It's not real. I try to be happy, but it's so hard and I never reach contentment. He can have fun with friends, but again, it's just not the same. And it's very rare as well. All of these feelings have become such a part of my life that he's just gotten used to it. But it's a year later and I am ready to get my life back. My life is so fulfilling, but my heart is so empty. Any advice, related stories, people who can relate, support, or even a possible solution would mean the world to me, because I would give anything to be able to enjoy his life again like he did before the trip.

 

[FEDOR85]

A year and four months ago SWIM took psilocybin mushrooms for the first time. It was about a gram. At first, it was great. SWIM was having a really good time with a friend who was also taking it for the first time. After some minutes, the friend started freaking out and crying. She finally calmed down after a while and they both started cracking up, watching videos, exploring the woods, listening to music, etc. SWIM's dog got loose and SWIM had to chase it around the neighborhood for a good half hour. Even this didn't freak him out. He actually enjoyed it. SWIM went inside after a while and started freaking out. SWIM doesn't know if this has anything to do with it, but he used his laptop camera to take pictures. And they say not to do that. But regardless, the feeling started and he tried to shake it off by laying down with his dog with the TV on, but the TV just pissed SWIM off and laying with the dog was a really scary experience because SWIM felt like one with the dog and saw crazy visuals. SWIM went back downstairs with his friend but eventually had to get up to cry because he was so scared. First SWIM called his friend who tried hard, but barely helped. Then SWIM called his mom which called him down a lot. The mental pain was absolutely terrible. It was the worst feeling SWIM has ever felt. Words can't describe the mental fucking this shit did to SWIM's brain. SWIM felt like he was either going to die, be stuck like that forever, or at least have to call the ambulance. Imagine: being stuck in something far worse than a panic attack for the rest of your life. That's how SWIM felt. SWIM was also afraid of the life that he would have with his friends and family, how disappointed they would be to have to lock their loved one away in a mental hospital for the rest of his life. SWIM can't express enough how scary this all was to him. Everything in SWIM's yard, his house, back porch, table, chairs, familiar trees... all seemed so foreign. Familiar, like he knew what they were, but somehow so different and all too terrifying. It felt like SWIM was in another dimension. One where everything looked the same, but was completely different. And it stayed this way for months to come.
SWIM finally calmed down and went to bed, but still felt different. But he just thought it was the effects of the drug wearing off. Too bad the trip was already long over, but also just getting started. The next day, SWIM woke up and immediately felt the same as he did going to sleep. This is when SWIM realized that the strange feeling he felt before bed was no longer the trip, but the start of the long lasting after effects of extreme depersonalization and disconnection that would change his life to this day. SWIM could go on forever about how SWIM felt, but you get the point. At work that day, everything just seemed so strange. SWIM was afraid to talk to people, found it hard to concentrate, put sentences together, felt like he didn't belong, like everyone was against him. SWIM talked to some friends after work at SWIM's new second job as an actor at a haunted house, but they only made him feel stranger. This feeling continued every day for months. The first few days were the strangest, but the days after the first were the worst because this is when SWIM realized he was not getting better. So many things ran through SWIM's head, anxiety, depression, depersonalization, etc. The world was a different place now. SWIM kept thinking things would get better, but they never did. SWIM was really disappointed because (this sounds fucked up, but) SWIM really wanted to be able to do drugs again without feeling this way. And not only shrooms. But he was too scared. SWIM realIzed that much of the anxiety went away after realizing that SWIM couldn't do drugs anymore and stopped planning on doing them. It made life easier because he didn't have to worry about how they would make him feel. A drug free future was an anxiety free present. This sounds weird, SWIM knows. But even though the anxiety (obsessive thoughts) was gone, SWIM still couldn't get a grasp on reality. Everything was still different, like SWIM's eyes were too far back in his head or like life was an automated television program.
SWIM's terrible anxiety associated with the trip and drugs is gone, but depression and general anxiety still lingers. And also, SWIM still doesn't feel like he did before he took the drug (real). SWIM still has depersonalization. It's not as bad as it was right after doing the drug, but this doesn't mean it doesn't still affect him. It affects him a lot actually. SWIM just thinks the drug associated anxiety is gone. SWIM also thinks it's possible that SWIM just got used to it. SWIM really doesn't know how to describe it. But SWIM has hit a plateau. Not getting better, not getting worse, just stuck. SWIM has started hooking up with random people, smoking cigarettes daily and smoking weed multiple times a week to numb these terrible feelings of anxiety, depression, and disconnection. These feelings aren't as scary anymore, but they are really affecting SWIM's life. He is only 17, president of a school club, has a job, is in AP classes, going to college, has and awesome social life, and loves theatre. These details are irrelevant, but it's just to show he's not a bad or stupid person and he just wants more than anything to feel the way he did before taking the shrooms--real. SWIM has all of this going for him and wants to be able to enjoy it all. Every time he thinks he might be enjoying himself, he realizes he's still stuck in a depersonalized state. SWIM has tried many things: therapy, talking to friends, different diets, eliminating coffee, just plain old ignoring it, but nothing can get rid of the pain. Or should SWIM say non pain. SWIM is sometimes able to have a good time, but it's never the same. It's not real. SWIM tries to be happy, but it's so hard and SWIM never reaches contentment. He can have fun with friends, but again, it's just not the same. And it's very rare as well. All of these feelings have become such a part of SWIM's life that he's just gotten used to it. But it's a year later and SWIM is ready to get his life back. SWIM's life is so fulfilling, but his heart is so empty. Any advice, related stories, people who can relate, support, or even a possible solution would mean the world to SWIM, because he would give anything to be able to enjoy his life again like he did before the trip.

I too blamed a lot of my problems on bad trips on shrooms, salvia, lsd, mdpv etc. While they probably did fuck with my brain quite a bit I think my depression was scratching the surface before the trips, thats the reason I took them, I wanted an escape from my shit reality.

Its been over a year since you took the schrooms, no way are they the cause of your anxiety and depression atm. Its a bitch, and I wish I could say it gets better, but tbh ive lived with depression 15 years and its only gotten worse down through the years. Ive had a 10 year heroin habbit so that wouldnt apply to you.

My advice, avoid any hard drugs. Maybe cut back on weed and alcohol also. I know you said you tried therapy but keep it up, it will help in the end. Its good to talk about your problems, dont let them fester. Youre still only 17 so get out there and enjoy yourself, play sport, do activities and screw as many hotties as you can

 

[seamus33333]

I would like to apologize for the confusing pronouns. I copy and pasted this from another site which has different rules about posting (using SWIM, SWIY, my dog, etc.) So when they changed it here they didn't also change the pronouns so the he doesn't match up with the I. Every time you see he, it's referring to me.

 

[seamus33333]

Thank you, first responder! I hope you're ok and dealing with your depression problems. As for your input: I was thinking that maybe I had some underlying mental health problems that were just brought out from the trip, but why would a traumatic experience bring it out of me after all these years of not having it?

 

[FEDOR85]

Thank you, first responder! I hope you're ok and dealing with your depression problems. As for your input: I was thinking that maybe I had some underlying mental health problems that were just brought out from the trip, but why would a traumatic experience bring it out of me after all these years of not having it?

Traumatic experiences can bring out the worst in anybody, whether you were predisposed to depression or not. Read up on PTSD

 

[seamus33333]

PTSD does make sense with the symptoms I'm experiencing, but would it be separate from a depersonalization disorder or does it correlate in some way? Also, I don't ever think about the trip anymore; can the experience still have that big of an impact on me? I suppose it's because I never did anything about it. Thanks for that, by the way. I didn't even think of it.

 

[malakaix]

I too blamed a lot of my problems on bad trips on shrooms, salvia, lsd, mdpv etc. While they probably did fuck with my brain quite a bit I think my depression was scratching the surface before the trips, thats the reason I took them, I wanted an escape from my shit reality.

I'm inclined to agree, i wouldn't say that the depression and disassociation was caused by the mushrooms.. but they merely acted as a catalyst for bringing those issues to the forefront of your awareness. It's almost like speeding up the process of developmental learning, it's likely that you would of come into contact with these feelings later on down the track through life experience instead there been presented to you now.

One aspect that is rarely ever discussed when it comes to psychedelics is the necessity for proper 'integration'. A lot of people trip and have massive amounts of information flowing up from the subconscious that often completely overwhelm them and then they try to go back to 'normal' life and often reduce the experience to 'it was just a drug' and end up repressing everything uncomfortable they experienced rather then attempting to integrate it into their life. This is the real tragedy of a lack of community, support and guidance for these experiences.

 

[herbavore]

PTSD does make sense with the symptoms I'm experiencing, but would it be separate from a depersonalization disorder or does it correlate in some way? Also, I don't ever think about the trip anymore; can the experience still have that big of an impact on me? I suppose it's because I never did anything about it. Thanks for that, by the way. I didn't even think of it.

Be cautious about language--especially the modern tendency to make everything a medical issue with a name (PTSD, depersonalization disorder). It's life, it's the flow of experience and emotions. Practice letting go of expectation and let yourself be. The depression and anxiety that you feel may have specific causes and by divorcing yourself from the story in your head about what they are, you may be able to see more clearly why these feelings are arising for you and make changes. The changes could be both inside and out. What do you feel about what you are doing in life right now? Are you where you want to be? I think that for most sensitive and thinking beings that some depression and anxiety are quite normal as one adjusts to their own adult lives--at least that is what I have experienced and observed. Even emotions that we might label as negative like these can be transitional states of being that are very instructive and productive down the road. Chronic depression may be something different but I would not worry about that at this point.

malakaix really hit on a crucial lack that most of us hit up against in our lives: a lack of community support for these experiences. I find that one of the best things that has helped me in my life is to try to create community where none exists. It is amazing how hungry the whole world is for each other and how easily we can come together when we try.