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Feeling lost in sobriety need advice

I

IVLeague

Greenlighter
Joined
Feb 17, 2015
Messages
4
I don't know what to do anymore I have been a heavy opiate user since I was 17 which led to a serious iv heroin addiction in my 20s I'm now almost 24 and have been in and out of sobriety for the past year currently living in a sober living halfway house because my family no longer wanting anything to do with me I'm considering getting back into a maintenance program I was previously on Subs for over a year and found that I could live a somewhat happy productive life still using heroin here and there of course with this whole recovery scene you genuinly have to want sobriety for this to work that fake it til you make it bs couldn't be more wrong I cant string together more than three months before I'm in a bathroom with a rig in my arm its insane because I know every time I go back out with that much clean time it could be my last high and I dony want to die but i have no desire to be sober I love heroin more than anything in the world even after it killed my best friend this past december and its hard for me to admit that but its true and im trying to be real any advice on where to go from here would be great or how to lead a somewhat decent life as a heroin addict would help thank you I'm thinking long term maintenance is my only shot at happiness
 
i dig the screen name.... im on two months with no opiates and it is a fukin struggle... i just talked to a friend of mine who has been clean for a year and he says he still wants to get high everyday and he has a good job and a kid on the way... soo i dont know how you ever get over the feeling of wanting to use, but making drastic life changes is the only thing that will work IMO...

and i know there are ppl out there who can chip and be that once in awhile user but i dont think either of us are those ppl... wish i could be of more help man but just hang in there... we both know getting high isnt gona make us happy for any real amount of time... just hang in there man your not the only one going thru this...
 
Hey IV and welcome to BL:)


Given the state of mind your in (no judgment at all:)) I think that maintenance is certainly the best way for you to proceed. I would also seriously consider designing and implementing a recovery program that's going to work for you. We are not all the same despite how many times the recovery industry claimes we are. Have to reach out to everything you can find and take little pieces from it all and form it into what works for you.
 
Welcome to BL IVLeague!:)
I wish you all the luck you´ll need.
 
Sometimes you have to change friends. I agree that you have to find ppl who are supportive. IME, each time I go on withdraws, they react in very different ways.
My sister, for example, told me to stay on methadone or just use much less. She outlines that it was the only medication that made me stop using drugs at all. And it´s true I was having a normal life from their perspective.

Besides I´ve been a little over 7 years "sober". That means a lot when you had a previous life full of relapses and ODs.
Now my wife is having second thoughts about me quitting methadone. I have already done so much in terms of coming down.
It is just too difficult for me right now. From 80 mg 7 years to 10 mg SOS and my withdraws continues and it seems to be endless.
I manage to stay off methadone and any other medication for 6 days, than I was literally told to use 5 mg to ease down the pain, withdraw symptoms.
Sometimes I question myself if this is worth doing it. But I won´t give up. I can´t give up!
 
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Thank you to everyone for your words of encouragement I really have changed people places and things I'm originally from Pittsburgh and moved to south florida to go to treatment and completed started over down here ive been in and out of halfways and sobriety here for the past year only getting 3 to 4 months together before relapsing hard I find that I'm the problem i can't enjoy life being sober everything that used to interest me before my addiction is no longer fun its like all the joy has been sucked out of my hobbies now anybody else experience this after getting clean and what to do now ?? I really appreciate everyones feedback so far thank u!! Also I have tried the whole aa and na twelve step thing its not for me so plz dont tell me meetings sponsor that makes me want to shoot dope more when i was doing those things
 
Also I have tried the whole aa and na twelve step thing its not for me so plz dont tell me meetings sponsor that makes me want to shoot dope more when i was doing those things
Click to expand...

Im certainly not telling you to "try harder" at this.. the thing with us addicts is we think in good or bad thinking.. its either great or awful.. it can either work for us or it does not.. its either for us or not the way to go.

One of the biggest positive steps in my recovery was to overcome this.

The only thing im saying is don't throw away what worked with what didn't. So please consider taking away the beneficial ideas that you found in the fellowships and scrap the ones that aren't for you.

I would take what worked and keep it and then start to look everywhere you can find for the answers you need. Then take everything you can from everywhere you can that works and design what you need.

Im not saying run back, rather incorporate what actually worked into your new path.
 
you guys have to increase your dopamine levels. For some, it takes much more than exercise and good diet (although they are essential too)
mucuna pruriens is a kind of bean that increases you dopamine levels. Check it out and try to buy the whole beans, to avoid adulterations or impurities.
Other than that, try and consume regularly celastros paniculatus seeds, they will make you feel smarter and better

also, you can try a microdose regime of iboga, search for it on the net but, with this one, make sure you read anything there is about it, as it has some counter-indications and you have to be sure you know how to use it, which dose etc

i've been a daily opiate user for a decade, and 3 months after quitting i was still feeling like shit, zombified, insomnia, fatigue, irritable... you name it.
Then i started taking the mucuna pruriens and in a week i was feeling better. I added the brain tree seeds to my diet and I felt almost normal, just a bit of restlessness.
After a week taking microdoses of iboga i felt better than ever.
 
It made me sad to read that your family doesn't want anything to do with you. Sucks how drugs can make that happen.

Yeah, you're right though. If you don't want to get sober it's very difficult to persevere. Here's the thing. I truly believe one day you will, and it will be for a reason you won't be happy with. It may include hitting rock bottom (believe me, it always goes deeper if you let it. no true bottom to rock bottom). I really truly hope you don't ever go there.

Please come hang out on Bluelight. There are SO many people in your exact same situation. People here who have been sober for days, months, even years, and all of them are at risk for a relapse. It gets easier but even after 20 years sober all it takes is one phone call, one bad mistake. Everyone on here has great strategies to avoid relapsing. When you give so much of your life to a drug that is so powerful it becomes sort of an identity for you, it's that physical object that seems to connect the past. There were good times, no doubt about it. But you are on here for a reason, and you're trying to be sober for a reason, and I think the pain is always worse than the high.

All I can say is I hope you can somehow reconnect with your family. I don't know your situation but showing a willingness to quit to your family may help; they can be a great support network. However I'm no stranger to broken relationships. Take it one step at a time, day by day, do what you can. There is great advice on this thread, I can't say much more because I've never experienced opiate addiction myself. Quitting will be equally easier and more challenging than you could imagine but if you break it down into simple steps and give yourself a good support network, you sure as hell have a chance.

Try finding a rewarding hobby that you weren't able to pursue while you were on heroin. A Bluelighter from my past used to tell me how they were happy that they could finally start reading because they weren't strung out before bed.
 
Sound awful like myself! Was active in NA/AA for a long time still using heroin....I guess the difference this time around is my desperation...No one can make you quit...but friend and family can help support you....but us chronic relapsers know deep down if we are not Ready to Quit.. we are NOT DONE! I hit my personal rock bottom and it open my eyes up.....Everyone's rock bottom is different...mine hit when I lost my fiance, friends, apartment, car, money, material possessions, sanity, hope and my smile....All in a matter of months! Even after all that I still struggled to get more then 10-30 days sobriety....I've been using since 9 years old....so a life without using doesn't "Normal" to me.....but the consequences of my using FAR exceeded my "highs".....Don't get bent out of shape relapse is apart of recovery! I can never say I won't smoke heroin again....But I can say I won't smoke it today!
 
Erikmen said:
Sometimes you have to change friends. I agree that you have to find ppl who are supportive. IME, each time I go on withdraws, they react in very different ways.
My sister, for example, told me to stay on methadone or just use much less. She outlines that it was the only medication that made me stop using drugs at all. And it´s true I was having a normal life from their perspective.

Besides I´ve been a little over 7 years "sober". That means a lot when you had a previous life full of relapses and ODs.
Now my wife is having second thoughts about me quitting methadone. I have already done so much in terms of coming down.
It is just too difficult for me right now. From 80 mg 7 years to 10 mg SOS and my withdraws continues and it seems to be endless.
I manage to stay off methadone and any other medication for 6 days, than I was literally told to use 5 mg to ease down the pain, withdraw symptoms.
Sometimes I question myself if this is worth doing it. But I won´t give up. I can´t give up!
Click to expand...
Damn Erikmen! I didn't realize you are dealing w/ withdrawl too. I guess you got tired of the side effects of methadone?
 
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