Yes it was a mixture of three main components that made my stomach churn and throw my anxiety levels through the roof. And those were social anxiety, feeling like nobody liked me, as if I was an annoyance to anyone that had to deal with me, and being betrayed. The initial experimenting began slowly as I was a young sixth grade middle schooler. I was that kid that screwed off in every single class, mouthed off to the teacher with extreme sarcasm and just do stupid shit. Not because I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to in efforts to make the other kids like me because I was funny or outgoing. I tried everything to look the exact opposite of who I was and how I felt around people
I wanted to look outgoing and full of joy, when in reality, my heart would be thumping so violently in my chest from pure social stress that I would become short of breath just talking as I normally would. And saddened because I was convinced I was a bother to people if I wasn't entertaining them. I attempted suicide at the butt-end of sixth grade. I felt hopeless. I felt like i was blocked in by my insecurities. The stress i put on myself was too much to handle for a young immature boy. Aftef my suicide attempt I stayed home for the remainder of the year. I regretted my attemt. Now my insecurities were at a whole new level. There was no way i could show my face at my school again. I was worried about peoples judgement of my choice. I moved schools. It was just a new setting with the same emotions. Then I found pills. I took them and I suddenly had no care what people did to judge me. I would hear it and process it but it truly for once in my life did not bother me in the slightest. I was happy, euphoric and comfortable with myself. So I continued to what I feel is legitimately self medicate myself in efforts to save myself from my own death. Luckily as I got older and matured, I stumbled across a couple pieces of information that a couple of my old sixth grade kids (grown now of course) got ahold of me on social media and expressed to me how everyone was so upset when they found out about my attempt at taking my life. And that people were excited to see me on the first day of seventh grade. But when I wasn't showing up everyone was asking around everywhere trying to figure out what was going on. That was a huge therapeutic help in not feeling annoying and a burden. And I finally realized that I didn't need to force a personality that wasn't true to who I was.
Now we all know what a bitch life can and will be. I had just gotten a massive weight taken off my shoulders. And then I got ran the fuck over completely unexpectedly by this thing called betrayal. Might I mind you that at this point I'm an adult (barely), 23 years old and newly engaged to my high school sweetheart of nine years. Freshman year up until this point. The still to this day, love of my life, is riding my brother like a goddamn cowgirl. I was gone mentally for months. No idea when i ate last and really couldn't care less. You read that shes still the love of my life. Which is true. But i left her ass the second I saw it happening. I'll always be empty without her. But fuck that. She did it since so shell do it again. I still get inferiorated at the thought. So feeling hated went away, then got replaced with some much more agonizingly endless plague of hate and overwhelming emotion.
Sorry it was so long everyone, I just saw the forum and it grabbed my attention just because of my strong feelings on the topic. Thank You aanyone who has taken the time to read this. It feels good to just talk about my issues.
