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death...why cant i cry?!

zephyrhigh

zephyrhigh

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 31, 2014
Messages
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Guys I need advice .... I can't cry.... Ive had at least 5 deaths of people i was really close to.....attended funerals but Ive never been able to go to where they put them in the ground the last time I cried for someone was about 3 years ago..... I feel really bad that I can't cry for these people I was close to but I cry on every cheesy part of a good movie..... These people were real to me and our memories are real our conversations were real.... Why can't I cry for them anymore... Hell I want to cry at the thought of me not being able to cry for them but I can't cry for them directly ..... What's wrong with me....??..
 
There's nothing wrong with not being able to cry. Everyone grieves in their own way so don't feel like you're lacking emotion. I don't like funerals but I had to go to my uncle's last week. I only got teary eyed when they shot off the guns because it was a military burial. :/
 
When I was woken up by a female police officer at 10 o'clock in the morning and told my mother had just jumped off the 5th floor off our building and died I didn't cry or feel much of anything. I just went into shock and immediately suppressed everything as it was too much for me to take on. I still haven't had any dramatic reaction to it, more like a sub-conscious form of grief.

My sister started crying immediatiely when I rang her up as an emotional release. People deal with traumatic events in different ways. I think your sub-conscious considers what will be the best for your survival.
 
So is it that I no longer cry because Ive hardened that emotional part of me?!?! I used to break down about deaths of just acquaintances and be mortified by the ones I knew well .... But now nothing not even sadness....
 
I think you should give yourself a break because I think maybe you are over-thinking your physical response. My older son rarely, if ever, cries. The morning after my other son died he had rivers of tears rolling down his cheeks when I went in his room to check on him. After that, he didn't cry again as far as I know, even though my husband and I really didn't stop crying for at least two months. This made him feel like there was something wrong with him and at one point he asked if we thought he was a sociopath! You have to realize that this young man is one of the most empathetic, loving and kind people I have ever known (and his friends and lovers and teachers and everyone else in his life agrees) so it almost made us laugh to hear him ask that; but I realized that he was seriously troubled that he was not crying as much as he thought he should based on what others were doing. I really think we put unnecessary expectations on ourselves.

If you do not feel sadness, can you identify what you do feel about these losses? Perhaps fear of being overwhelmed by strong emotions is what is keeping you from feeling the extent of the loss? If you are feeling nothing, then that is different from not crying and I think you might want to do some work around that. By work I just mean exploration--either alone in your head or with a counselor or trusted friend. Just make sure that you reserve judgment on yourself.<3

@Ninae: that is so terrible that I can barely wrap my head around it. How old were you and your sister?
 
herbavore said:
@Ninae: that is so terrible that I can barely wrap my head around it. How old were you and your sister?
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20s and they were twin sisters. I just remember being woken up with a beautiful blond policewoman standing at the edge of my bed and thinking "Wtf is it now?" and she dropped that bombshell. There were paramedics swarming all around asking if I was okay but I couldn't feel anything.
 
zephyrhigh said:
So is it that I no longer cry because Ive hardened that emotional part of me?!?! I used to break down about deaths of just acquaintances and be mortified by the ones I knew well .... But now nothing not even sadness....
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i use to cry at funerals then at one i noticed everyone crying and saying all this shit and it just really pissed me off cause none of them where there when this person reached out to em, none of em where there for her when she needed it and she ended up killing herself, so ever since then ive always been more cold towards all that post-death grieving/ socalizing and espically when they get the pastor or whoever talking about heaven and all that shit, i just wana say hey they are dead, they are right there in front of us not chilling in the clouds, lets remember them as they were and the good they did... i just feel like dancing around the whole subject of death does a disservice to the memory of the dead... but thats just me
 
harmacologist said:
it will happen, don't worry.

after my grandma died i didn't care for about a year and it hit me id never see her again and cried.
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I can really relate to this one losing my grandma after years watching her mind deteriorate from dementia. She was the kindest,most intelligent woman I have ever and probably will ever have the privilege to know. We were very close and she could only ever see the best in me.

There was a time, about six years, where our relationship was put at a standstill due to my use of alcohol and drugs. It was hard watching her die the way she did, by far the most painful thing I have endured emotionally so far in this life. She tried reaching out to me saying how much she missed me before she got really sick and by the time I woke up I realized it was too late. I was with her a lot that last year, though its hard to say whether she truly knew it or not. I watched her die in her home and I cried. But after that I could not, not even during her funeral, where I was asked to do a reading during the ceremony because everyone felt like that's what she would have wanted.

It has been a little over a year now and random things will happen like reminders of what I no longer have and took for granted. They hit me fast and sudden, sometimes I cry. I feel as though it may become more difficult before it gets any easier. Grieving is certainly different for everybody. Maybe it has a lot to do with our feelings involving our relationships with the deceased. I feel guilty for not being the person my grandma knew I truly was. Who I want to believe I truly am. Death is inevitable and I dread losing another loved one before I can show them how much I truly love them.
 
Are you on anything that could be messing with your head? Antidepressants, opiates, benzos etc? If this is a natural reaction not chemically induced, you just have to trust that not crying doesn't mean you're a bad person or didn't love them. You care so much you're on BL posting that you're worried that perhaps you haven't grieved them the "right" way!

Perhaps 5 deaths has been so much to handle that if you allowed yourself to break down, you might not be okay...if that makes sense. Let your brain protect itself!

Besides...I don't want anyone crying about me when I die anyway, and I doubt those ppl you were close to would want you to be a crying mess either.

When my favorite person that ever walked the earth died I was shockingly numb to it too. I feared the day she would be gone soo much. Then when she actually was gone I was heartbroken, but I didn't go into a sobbing fit or the mental breakdown I always thought would follow. I just thought about how if there is a heaven, then she is definitely there and even death was preferable to the suffering she endured in her last days.

There could be so many reasons why you don't cry...I'd trust 90% of them as acceptable.
 
Thanks hemp... N yes I'm an h addict but that never affected me before..... The last death I cried at I was hysterical he was only 18... Maybe I changed somehow then.... The only death I fear is not for myself but for my daughter n my mother....
 
I lost both my grandparents... I didn't cry at the funeral, I subconsciously didn't let myself feel.. well, anything. I was numb, like there was a big hole inside me. I probably looked like an awful person to everyone at their funerals. After, I thought of them sometimes, fondly, reminisced, felt sad that they were gone. I cried at all sorts of random shit, films, books, reading things on Bluelight, but I couldn't cry for them. Then a year later I looked through some old pictures of them and it all just hit me, all at once. All this grief, all this anger, everything. I cried for days and days and I couldn't stop.

What I'm trying to say is... don't feel guilty because you can't cry now. People grieve in different ways, you know that you feel the loss, you know that you are sad. It will come. Not in a bad way, it will be a relief. Don't feel like you're not human because it doesn't all come out now. You're not weird, or cruel, or anything like that. You are human, there's nothing wrong with you. Don't worry. Sometimes it's hard to deal with death for a long time, but when you're ready to face it, crying will happen. Until you can cry, remember them fondly, when things remind you of them try and think of the good times with them, hold them close to your heart. You won't forget them, your memory of them will always be there. Don't be afraid you'll lose that, because you won't. Don't feel bad for living your life, not spending all your time grieving. It's okay. When you're ready to cry, you will. Trust me.
 
Dont know. Im the same way. Friends started dying at 15. Mom died 2 years ago. Best friend commited suicide at 19. Few overdosed and other family deaths.

But i know im emotionally not there and have to fake act at funerals. Actually i never went to my friends wakes or funerals just cuz it was whatever.

Only attended the family ones because i didn't wanna have to deal with the shit that would go down if i skipped out on those. Honestly i feel blessed to not feel much. Lol is that an oxymoron. Idk maybe im the moron.

Peace.
 
Thank you riv I needed to hear that.... And NY I don't think your a moron but I don't think u should pretend at funerals that can't be good for you
 
There is something very healing about tears when they do come. The actual production and shedding of tears produces pain-killing chemicals in your brain. http://www.independent.co.uk/life-s...y-do-we-cry-the-science-of-tears-9741287.html

I think it is important to try to get as far away from expectations that have no substance as you can--whether it is about crying or being a certain size or shape or having a date every Friday. The gap between expectations and your own true experience is the source of a lot of anxiety, fear and anger. Accepting yourself and where you are at any given time in your life is the solid ground you need under your feet to actually make changes you might want to make. If you are constantly in a state of self-negation about your being, you cannot have the clarity and faith you need to actualize change. It seems counter-intuitive but accepting yourself is the starting point for changing yourself. There is a huge difference between acceptance and self-justification though--that seems to be our biggest pitfall in all this stuff.:\
 
Its ok you can't cry for them.

I don't want others crying for me when my time is up.

I hope you find peace bud.
 
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