Dealing with pain by chemical numbness (in theory)

[behindblueeyes]

So basically, addiction runs in my family; alcoholism primarily. And that's how it started. It's ironic because my mother was a self-destructive alcoholic and I would despise her for it, wondering why she wouldn't quit knowing the pain she caused. Or why she wasn't stronger in life in general.

She's sober now for over a year, but here I am, being a total hypocrite myself. I've always had a more depressed/anxious state of mind. In my early/mid 20's I started using alcohol as my crutch for just about everything. I was horrified to face my own pain. But it was the only way I knew how.

I was prescribed (still am) klonopin, which I usually don't take higher than 1mg a day, but tolerance is a bitch and I'd be pretty sure it was a sugar pill if not for the mental fog that hangs over me and the withdrawals I've had the (dis)pleasure of facing firsthand when I ran out early and didn't know much about withdrawals. I lived and learned from that one right away.

So, for awhile I kept up the regimen of working full-time usually on benzos and alcohol on my days/nights off. I was a sluggish, isolated, scattered mess.

Well, I got a script for Adderall for focusing issues (as a result of killing off my brain cells throughout the years? could be possible).

Once I cut back on alcohol to only my days off work, my anxiety was bearable enough to tolerate these. And they work. I go to work at a pretty tedious job and I have enough energy and motivation to work straight through without my mind wondering every 10 seconds. Only problem was, I would often turn that much sought after focus to my own self and my own life, and which in turn made me quite isolated and often dysphoric and quite irritable.

I recently ended a bad relationship, which I know will turn out for the better, but right now I feel lonely and hurt. But I do feel like it's a step in the right direction.

I'm now 29, and if there's one thing I'm learning, self-medicating is quite the devil in disguise. My personality changes from my sober self/stimulated self/drunk self.... they're all parts of me inside that I have no idea how to let out otherwise, but come out in different ways with each substance I take.

Problem is, I'm afraid of cutting it all out. I feel like a tsunami of life/emotions/guilt/etc... will all hit me like a mac truck falling out of the sky and pinning me to my inner demons.

I feel like I could do good with the meds as prescribed... 20mg xr adderall once a day, 1 mg klonopin a day, and 15 mg of remeron for sleep.

I'm really thinking of cutting out the alcohol altogether (I've really cut back since having my own place) and see if the way these meds effect me change me for the better if used properly.

I just feel so low on self-worth. I just don't know. Going sober scares me. I know it's only adderall and klonopin mainly, but if only used to "feel good" these things can do powerful things to personality and emotions.

I guess I posted this in the dark side because it seemed like a fitting title. I know there's others here that face much worse, so I'm not looking for any pity.

Advice, yes. I know I'm my own worst demon.

Anyone successfully tackle this, or know what it's like to rely on drugs to get you through day to day life?

Since I'm out of this relationship, I'm now truly alone. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but tonight I'm just feeling very introspective. Constantly pondering....

 

[laCster]

i can relate to your story. i dont have any addicts in my family (technically), but i myself have been heavily addicted to drugs for the past 5-6 years. today i have 33 days off heroin, and i can tell you things get much better. life is still there, it is just how i approach life that has changed. no longer do i run from my problems instead of facing them head-on. i have tried so many times to get sober, including 11 rehabs and many stints in jail. within the past year or so i had the most sobriety. i would get 3 months, get high for a month, get another 5 months, get high for a month, get 2 months, get high, 1 week, get high, 3 months again, etc.... i realize that it doesnt matter how many times i get high, but how many times i get dust myself off and attempt sobriety again. yes it is fucking annoying to be on a rollercoaster, but these are the cards i have been dealt. honestly, i would rather have some sobriety than no sobriety at all so i try not to beat myself up for getting high. another thing i have realizzed is that sobriety is instant (in the moment) and lifelong (a process). things dont just automatically get better, but i am slowly accepting myself more and allowing myself to be who i am. i am trying hard to love myself, but it is very easy to go back into self-hate.

first, dont beat yourself and dont take you addiction personally even though that might seem hard. your brain is hard-wired to become addicted to pleasure. secondly, realize that if you try to take on sobriety as a learning lesson and with much-love, then you can never fail!

-laC

 

[behindblueeyes]

i can relate to your story. i dont have any addicts in my family (technically), but i myself have been heavily addicted to drugs for the past 5-6 years. today i have 33 days off heroin, and i can tell you things get much better. life is still there, it is just how i approach life that has changed. no longer do i run from my problems instead of facing them head-on. i have tried so many times to get sober, including 11 rehabs and many stints in jail. within the past year or so i had the most sobriety. i would get 3 months, get high for a month, get another 5 months, get high for a month, get 2 months, get high, 1 week, get high, 3 months again, etc.... i realize that it doesnt matter how many times i get high, but how many times i get dust myself off and attempt sobriety again. yes it is fucking annoying to be on a rollercoaster, but these are the cards i have been dealt. honestly, i would rather have some sobriety than no sobriety at all so i try not to beat myself up for getting high. another thing i have realizzed is that sobriety is instant (in the moment) and lifelong (a process). things dont just automatically get better, but i am slowly accepting myself more and allowing myself to be who i am. i am trying hard to love myself, but it is very easy to go back into self-hate.

first, dont beat yourself and dont take you addiction personally even though that might seem hard. your brain is hard-wired to become addicted to pleasure. secondly, realize that if you try to take on sobriety as a learning lesson and with much-love, then you can never fail!

-laC

I really look up to you for everything you just said, especially the highlighted sections, great words of wisdom. Sobriety is a process, and the fact you are trying and have that motivation to want to change says everything. Sobriety isn't easy by any means, it truly is a process, and it more often than not takes multiple attempts. It's a full time job of it's own.

But as humans we adapt....

 

[herbavore]

It actually sounds to me that you are in a very good place. It may not be comfortable but it's honest. You've gotten out of an unhealthy relationship, you are assessing where you have been and where you are now and you are looking towards the future--all good things to be doing.

The most uncomfortable and even painful places in your mind truly are your best teachers. Try to accept everything--the loneliness, the insecurity, feeling lost--as lights shining on what you need to learn about yourself so that you can create new ways of thinking and being. Your life is completely malleable. It takes patience and faith to believe in the power of small steady steps.

 

[Erikmen]

i can relate to your story. i dont have any addicts in my family (technically), but i myself have been heavily addicted to drugs for the past 5-6 years. today i have 33 days off heroin, and i can tell you things get much better. life is still there, it is just how i approach life that has changed. no longer do i run from my problems instead of facing them head-on. i have tried so many times to get sober, including 11 rehabs and many stints in jail. within the past year or so i had the most sobriety. i would get 3 months, get high for a month, get another 5 months, get high for a month, get 2 months, get high, 1 week, get high, 3 months again, etc.... i realize that it doesnt matter how many times i get high, but how many times i get dust myself off and attempt sobriety again. yes it is fucking annoying to be on a rollercoaster, but these are the cards i have been dealt. honestly, i would rather have some sobriety than no sobriety at all so i try not to beat myself up for getting high. another thing i have realizzed is that sobriety is instant (in the moment) and lifelong (a process). things dont just automatically get better, but i am slowly accepting myself more and allowing myself to be who i am. i am trying hard to love myself, but it is very easy to go back into self-hate.

first, dont beat yourself and dont take you addiction personally even though that might seem hard. your brain is hard-wired to become addicted to pleasure. secondly, realize that if you try to take on sobriety as a learning lesson and with much-love, then you can never fail!

-laC

Congratulations, you have been off for 33 days!! That´s quite an achievement my friend.
I can think of at least a dozen people who did not make to the second week, and they´ve tried hard.

In find myself in soberness but not at all happy, so I relate to the fact you´ve overcome beating yourself because of the addiction. That´s a pretty darn thing not to do.

That alone gives hope to the rest of us..