First all, you guys really REALLY helped me. I don’t think you understand the amount of times I’ve wanted to off myself but the responses here are very very encouraging. I don’t want to keep taking medications just so I can stop feeling lonely or killing myself, I want to vent these out. I got a bit of an essay to read so I apologise in advance, I also apologise if I sound weak or spoilt, these are bad traits but I want to fix and that I hate myself and nobody else really gets me they just say get over it, or psychologists just smile and nod and keep reinforcing methods that don’t seem to address the issue directly.
It makes sense anxiety linked to self esteem, anxiety is cased when we thnk we lose control and if we think we have then isnt it quicker to xanax than to actually take control (eg. procrastination)
I just hate those days when you wake up feeling like _utter_ shit, like I'd like to neck myself now; or the lack of sleep completely aggrevates the whole situation. my (other) doctor wouldnt give me a few days of valium to help me sleep before final exams. I normally used to jump out of my bed happily and go along with my routine before
any of this which is why Im making such a big deal.
To give you a basic idea of how I was, I used to always take pictures out with friends smiling, happy, hanging out but for some reason I simply just don’t bother, I feel too meh about it.
a few years ago if I was stressed out antidepressants or benzos never crossed my mind. I'd spend upto 2 hours a day, 6 days a week (yes im serious) at the gym and i would walk like smeone just injected me with morphine it felt so, good, this took me approx 4 years oto
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now when I go, I dont feel so good, no motivation, depresses/sad, I get anxious and want to leave early, or I "feel tired (Started taking energy drinks to give me a kick) but that either did nothing to my depression and still leave early, or if I was anxious feel that i HAVE to leave went gym because I had things to do; in that case i made it worse). I am rarely getting those nice, enjoyable gym highs which one I used to get. I either arrive at the gym depressed, indifferent or anxious. Cardio is not much of an option I have huge injury on my leg.
to give you a better idea, while on xanax im more likely to read a whole variety of topics on the internet (mostly medical journals), chat to my friends more, and even buy the odd thing here and there (mind you we are talking about stuff on sale nothing expensive)
I am studying alone broad (go to and from uni by myself) at the moment, so this aggrevated my anxiety but i thought it was a good opportunity to crush my anxiety as well. Interesting note: I actually love going to lectures generally, I love what Im learning and theres people around me like me. The first semester was horrible, I basically locked myself in my room didn’t speak anyone but paid pretty good attention in class; mood was only good in class, not anywhere else.
I always put off hanging out with the college societies. with the guys in the dorm they often invite me out for drinks (but they're like 20, im 26) and from im told they think im funny as hell, the girls arent so welcoming and quite bitchy, but some added me on facebook and havent said a word to me, or very brief in the conversation ??. I'm studying on exchange in ireland for a year btw, originally from Australia.
All the guys here all have close nit cliques and groups, go over teach others dorm etc. and im jealous for them (but not in a spiteful way)- I don’t have that close of friendship really as much anymore especially in Australia; and if I do, I see them rarely.
I have made an effort now to say hello to everyone I meet, and If I have seen them a few times I make chit chat not really sure where to go from there unfortunately, any tips?
I feel a billion better times if someone told me that more or less people like me there and enjoy my company
in a lecture theatre? picking up with to randoms is a huge confidence booster for me (if I knew how to do it lol)
but at night clubs I knew what I am doing much more, ironically Ive been getting time goes on Ive become far worse at approaching girls. probably because of all this bad shit thats happened to me in the past 18 months. I used to never be clingy, attached or emotional and you can say that on a big part completely flipped over, it takes a lot of self control to hold back (usually by speaking to several girls at once)—now I get attached VERY easily and if I’m feeling down straight away I want to be with someone, it never got this desperate usually gym and stuff worked perfectly keeping my mind away from feeling lonely.
why does benzos (at least temporarily) make us so much more confident? or interested in reading in depth topics (I had 14 pages of pubmed open)- I could never mimic that kind of commitment or concentration sober]
I dont want to take any meds full stop, I want to somehow condition the confidence, ambition, motivation, determination, productivity etc. that seems to come with xanax. I've even gone as to far as to considering going on it for a day and write down what I do on it so I can have a better idea, albiet you get the episodic amnesia on xanax!
Sometimes I am overwhelmed that i can't just for a walk, uni or gym, I literally just feel like crawling up in bed watching movies which I am miserable half the time but avoids external responsibilities that are piling up. Even when I try to do something relaxing like lie in the sun or swim, again I feel uneasy and uncomfortable.
also my sleeping habits taking a huge kick in the nuts, ive been told aside from the obvious no electronics before bed (even though all my magazine subscriptions are on ipad!), and to _always_ wake up the same time. The biggest problem of this is I find it hard to sleep to begin with, especially If I go just to lie down, I normally put a movie on I doze off. but that usually limits me to 6 hours sleep by the time afternoon roles around I feel totally exhausted, like want to crawl in bed die ant not even at least do _some_ study but Ill wake up super early and try toss and turn all night, and I’m way too restless to try and read.
I have considered just starting my day the moment i wake up and I cant sleep and just duke it out- what do you guys think? Or take a xanny and go back to sleep? Most my classes start late and I train early in the morning like 7
-I find CBT not helpful (eg. focus on 5 senses)-t it just seemed too weak, mindfullness I realised I do already in a good mood (admiring architecture and such, but in a bad mood my mind is racing and I cant seem to slow down and look around me, gym feels far more effective if I focus on the exercise
-heavy gym session works great but I work my ass to the bone (albiet recently as I said I don't stick around for long so I dont feel good after)- when I force myself to stick around I feel even more tired, even more sad!
I started taking anabolic steroids a few months ago to push the boundies and my body exploded in size, in a good mood I want to mix up my routine and progress but on a bad day I just go there monotonously rather than a winter attitude;…….and meditation I have tried a few times but found it very frustrating, it takes the edge off but only maybe 20% tops.
I find myself glued to social media a lot, I like reading what my friends are up to (funny videos, pictures, and keep in touch by saying hello) and I regularly use my fb too. But if people aren’t replying (especially if its read) it bothers me a little bit- if I am anxious ‘ll always be checking it, but if I was like yesterday and just stressed out/busy I didn’t even notice facebook
I think this is important
most the talking/chatting I do day to day conversational rather than; lets meet there is via sms or fb inbox
I one thing is that I LOVE meeting new people especially simular like me, im not a very clique person I like to hang around all kinda groups. I’m not really shy at all meeting people, that rubs some people the wrong way.
- I have bought some books on CBT, anxiety etc but again ironically, I hold off reading them, procrastination, anxiety
I have considered starting a private journal every day to give me insight day to day?
There is
SO many things I want to do while under the influence of Xanax or had a great day, Ive designed my own shirts which people ask where they can buy it ( and im studying to a medical doctor, go figure), redecorate my room, make more money, completely redesign my gym work out, draw, even grow flowers, sketch, read novels (which I haven’t done nearly for a decade), I like to be extremely thorough with all my work, cook huge savoury meals. If I am merely contempt not happy or sad, I have no interest in doing the above at all. But they seem like great hobbies but then I lose interest after Xanax wears off, where the hell does all this come from?
But the times when I feel down I cannot do any of the above AT all, should I just force myself to do It anyway?—Most this stuff (including this post) I do from my bed. I was told use bed strictly for reading before you go to bed, and to sleep which makes sense.
from what my friends have told me to, I find it very hard to concentrate and easily distracted when I study if that helps? I’m always distracted about when is the next party, even though I’m in my third year of medicine at university and if others are going I feel uneasy not going.
I am a very wild happy, hugging, lovey guy when drunk or even even the few times I've tried drugs. Not a violent or angry bone in my body
My parents make me feel like utter shit I buy something (literally, anything), but they can be extremely supportive and helpful at times.
I have been put on a number of different anti-depressants; its like they take the extreme happiness away, but also the negative/lonely/odd suicidal thought away.
diet is very clean btw, oats, fruit/vegetables, meats, vitamin b6, coffee kept to a minimum and fish oils
Some girls if I lose (because im not interested in them, or I was too slow to make a move, or like in the case of my ex)- all whom I more less not the best, some of them are moving on much happier and again that makes me extremely like shit (but, happy for them! I don’t wish ill on them in any way). I cant have that “oh fuck that bitch” kinda mentality, If I wasn’t so much of a dick I’d probably still have her. I’m 27 In May and had a “girlfriend” on and off for 6 months topped, I always avoided relationships like the plague and girls which I never called her my girlfriend to any of my friends until we broke up, rarely put photos of us up together. And now If I feel lonely or shitty I’ll go chat up several girls and burn time with them. I’ll even go as to far as to manipulate them to like me because I feel alone, sometimes it blows up In my face and I end up falling for her. I know this sounds pathetic and the answer seems obvious in the answer but I need to vent this, I haven’t told a soul and I don’t know of if its normal or out of place and I feel ashamed telling anyone this.
To a strong degree I love helping people, whether I hate them or don’t know them at all I will give them my left kidney if they needed it
silly question, do you guys that no fap thing works?
are guy guys saying in a nutshell: you can't change the way you feel right now, but you can change the way you react right now? –ei. Don’t wait till the next morning, get on it right now?
Anyone who works hard at a goal an be anything, I don’t believe in intelligence. I can learn anything if I put my mind to it (and I was coming last most subjects in high school), Ive done finance/law before medicine, this is technically my 4
th degree ad my university hired me to tutor them so that sounds all nice and dandy on paper right? but I have literally social/emotional control/self esteem/street smart, self control of a stapler. At school I didn’t even kiss a girl till I turned 18 in university.
Now, im the life of any party, always cracking jokes, everyone loves traveling with me around Europe or just local night clubs; ill happily approach a group of girls and talk and that slowly faded away, but its coming back. The one thing gnawing at the back of my mind is what people are thinking of me, what if I’m loud, what if I put something ridiculous on fb that nobody gets? Its extreme insecurity that manifests into anxiety.
The few friends who know even some of these details say to me; I never would of guessed, you look so successful and happy on the outside and like that youre having fun (ie. Fb photos).
Again thanks for reading guys, it means a lot to me. It really does. Ive tried telling a psychiatrist, GP, psychologist, even friends and all of this just flies over them they just fire pills at me, or give me some inane vague answer like “it’ll be alright” and its “no big deal”
ps.
cousinskeeter @cousinskeeter could you elaborate more please?
