So I recently dabbled with meth a few times.. and dabbling finally spiraled out of control about 2 weeks ago.
I decided I wanted to smoke one last time before never touching the shit again. Well... smoking one last time turned into binging on it for 4 days straight.. slamming it, plugging it, smoking it etc. I majorly fucked up my life on this binge... I mean majorly... over drafted my account, passed my credit limit/shared needles while high.... I even decided to buy a hotel for a few days (I cannot BELIEVE I did this but high it seemed like a good idea) "Hey, you have no money why are you buying a hotel?" "Because MEFF" "Okay?"
It was one of those devastating combinations of bad factors that made all go to hell real fast.
First mistake was binging on the shit to begin with... since I had planned to quit and never touch the shit again... which then as stated turned into a gnarly binge... shopping and spending like crazy.. bought a hotel.. etc. Also after slamming a few times I got pain on the left side of my chest over my heart and my left arm started going numb off and on... I ignored it for hours and finally the pain just kept getting worse and worse... so I panicked and went to the hospital.. I ended up being fine.. they just treated me like shit and I got lectured by every person that helped me... I got out of the hospital and immediately went back to smoking meth... which then I ended up having sex with my best friend... which made shit horribly awkward and is a regret on both of our ends... but what makes it the most intense is on Thursday of last week... after 3 solid days of no sleep and being high I decided to smoke a bowl of weed on my way home... this sent me into full blown psychosis.
On my way home I thought chariots pulled by horses were following me.. and passing me on the road.. bats the size of small cars were swooping down at the window... I thought it was pouring rain out.. and I thought it was windy as fuck (It was actually perfectly clear out and not even a slight breeze yet it looked like a full blown hurricane... etc etc.. but here's the fun part. While driving home with my friend hallucinating balls my car started sputtering and the check engine light started flashing... it was 11:30 at night... and the hallucinations were intensifying.. I called a friend out of desperation to pick me and my friend up... leaving my car on the side of the road.... my friend had no idea I was using meth so he was shocked and horrified... to see that I was hallucinating so hard that literally the entire world around me looked like it was alive... trees immediately turned to giant monsters, cars turned into monsters (the lights were eyes.. bumpers turned into mouths etc.) the mountains turned into giant monsters fighting in the distance (think almost anime style monsters) ... plants were growing out the concrete...I was watching cartoons on any blank surface... I could feel the rain hitting me and my clothes blowing in the wind.. yet my friend swears it was silent out with no rain or wind... I know he is right because no one else was seeing the rain or monsters except my friend...etc. So I went into my room and took seroquel... I laid down to go to bed and I had a gnarly case of sleep paralysis.. it felt like a shock through my head and I couldn't move right as I was about to fall asleep... I kept trying to move and nothing.. I thought I was having a stroke... suddenly I could move but it was beyond terrifying.. I ended up going back to the hospital because I was convinced I was having seizures or strokes... So this "One last hit" had already turned into 6,000 dollars worth of hospital bills, over drafting my account by 40 dollars and passing my credit limit by 40 dollars.. keep in mind too I have no income... i had sex with my best friend and was in a full fledged psychosis. I could hear the monsters, there was music playing constantly... and the whole world around me was alive. I had also at this point left my car on the side of the freeway lol... and drove my car to the point of it breaking down... since throughout the last 3 days a good portion of the days was spent me and my friend driving around aimlessly.. smoking shit ...
The seroquel didn't help me sleep and just made my psychosis worse. They took me to the hospital and they gave me IV ativan which didn't make me sleep but they discharged me because I down played the psychosis... since I didn't want to be stuck in a psych ward.
When I got out I went home and my mom demanded I told her where my car was. I remembered only then that I had left it on the side of the road like a day ago. We found it (luckily it had been towed) but my mother demanded to know why I looked like hell (no one looks pretty after a 4 day meth binge) and going to the hospital etc. I told her I was "struggling" with a drug(I ended up saying weed.. I'll explain why later). I wouldn't tell her it was meth because she is the over protective Christian type... I expected her to be upset and concerned... but not that upset.. I was wrong.
She gave me a month to have my shit packed and be gone. No job, no money, no car, in debt, so fucked... we also fought viciously because omg OMG The depression.. and anxiety... from meth comedown is HELL. I've gone through some bad comedowns before... Molly... coke... mdpv.. propylhexedrine.. and meth a few other times... but nothing like this. I've never stayed up longer than a day on meth in the past... I haven't used since last Thursday... almost 7 days ago... but the depression and anxiety are RELENTLESS... I'm talking about full blown breaking down crying (I rarely cry if ever..)... pulling hair out... overdosing on meds to just sleep to get away from the anxiety attacks... the only thing that has saved me... is Kratom. I take a few capsules of maeng da kratom... and smoke some resin out of my weed pipe... along with hydroxyzine... and it has saved me. If I don't take kratom.. which I try not to because I don't want to become addicted... I spiral into the worst panic attacks and depression of my life. So bad that I even tried to hang myself on Friday. After my mom flipped out on me (which I'm 25 wtf am I doing living with my mom to begin with???) and realizing my life is a fucking train wreck ..the panic and depression brought me to my knees. I decided to kill myself. Luckily I used this metal pole thing to hang myself from that immediately broke off the wall... but jesus dude... The depression is a fucking nightmare. I'm glad I didn't die... because meth isn't something worth dying over plus the fact I got so desperate as to put my mother in the danger of finding her son dead is not okay.. how fucking selfish I would have been to do that to her..... but I didn't care at the time... I just desperately wanted to feel better... I took kratom after my suicide attempt and within an hour I felt calm and relaxed.. god I'd never needed it more in my life... . but I don't crave meth at all.. its more just how I feel. People say meth withdrawals are all mental. I don't believe I'm withdrawing.. I've only done it a hand full of times and even after 4 days of heavy use.. I don't think it's withdrawals.. I just think my brain has no happy chemicals left and the circumstances on top of the crash are the perfect formula for crippling anxiety and depression.
So Kratom has been my savior but once sobering up not only do I realize how fucked up I made my life from just one binge (damaged a long term best friendship, financially ruined myself, ruined my living situation, damaged my relationship with my mum, introduced my best friend to meth which meth ruined his family... so I'm sure introducing someone that literally has meth addiction in his genes to good crystal was not the best idea... especially when I adore this friend and want nothing more than to see his life work out (guiltttttt ughhh so much guilt) and since the psychosis hasn't completely gone away.. and the mental anguish is still there (dosing with kratom on the regular is all that seems to help... or any opiate for that matter), also my doctor cut off my supply of benzos because I'm using meth.. I even saw the doctor yesterday to see if they'd renew my prescription of ativan and they said that now that I used meth they cannot in all good conscience offer me a drug that has addictive potential.. (FUCK ME RIGHT???!!)
The car being gone is the worst part. I wouldn't feel so lost and hopeless getting kicked out if I had a car to go to... I told my mom I started smoking weed again as my admission (that was the drug I decided to blame since it's not nearly as bad as meth and I really don't care about weed anyways.. plus I offered to drug test to show her its all I've been on to maybe gain leverage so I could stay longer..(knowing meth leaves the system quickly).. it didn't help.. it made her more angry to "know her child is using drugs of any sort." She is also cancelling my phone service, my health insurance and my car insurance... so even if I got my car back (which my dad is trying to fix it and can't seem to figure out what is wrong, I still wouldn't be able to drive it..
Moral of the story... Meth... it's the funnest shit ever.. till it's not.
Seriously the high was fantastic. The best stimulant high by far. Especially IV. omg it was like being superman and wanting to hug everyone... absolutely overwhelming.. so much euphoria.. still wish I had just fucked with heroin instead lol. Heroin was just as good... but I could't find it anymore.. heroin is just as evil... but I kinda disagree only because meth makes you super active and impulsive... which is a fucking bad combo...heroin the worst that will happen is you'll overdose or pass out/end up with a gnarly addiction that will ruin your life. Meth you'll end up fucking your life up all in one day because fuck it why not right? Why would I fuck my best friend? Meth. Not even once. lol. I think the scariest part about being clean from meth is not knowing how long it will be before I don't want to put a bullet through my skull. Wish me luck. Kratom has helped tremendously but who knows.. it may just be prolonging the depression. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!
Seriously though... how long before the anxiety and depression at least get better? Fuck being cut off of benzos and meth all at once is some bullshit... I'd plug a fucking grizzly to have even a handful of ativan to look forward to.
I decided I wanted to smoke one last time before never touching the shit again. Well... smoking one last time turned into binging on it for 4 days straight.. slamming it, plugging it, smoking it etc. I majorly fucked up my life on this binge... I mean majorly... over drafted my account, passed my credit limit/shared needles while high.... I even decided to buy a hotel for a few days (I cannot BELIEVE I did this but high it seemed like a good idea) "Hey, you have no money why are you buying a hotel?" "Because MEFF" "Okay?"
It was one of those devastating combinations of bad factors that made all go to hell real fast.
First mistake was binging on the shit to begin with... since I had planned to quit and never touch the shit again... which then as stated turned into a gnarly binge... shopping and spending like crazy.. bought a hotel.. etc. Also after slamming a few times I got pain on the left side of my chest over my heart and my left arm started going numb off and on... I ignored it for hours and finally the pain just kept getting worse and worse... so I panicked and went to the hospital.. I ended up being fine.. they just treated me like shit and I got lectured by every person that helped me... I got out of the hospital and immediately went back to smoking meth... which then I ended up having sex with my best friend... which made shit horribly awkward and is a regret on both of our ends... but what makes it the most intense is on Thursday of last week... after 3 solid days of no sleep and being high I decided to smoke a bowl of weed on my way home... this sent me into full blown psychosis.
On my way home I thought chariots pulled by horses were following me.. and passing me on the road.. bats the size of small cars were swooping down at the window... I thought it was pouring rain out.. and I thought it was windy as fuck (It was actually perfectly clear out and not even a slight breeze yet it looked like a full blown hurricane... etc etc.. but here's the fun part. While driving home with my friend hallucinating balls my car started sputtering and the check engine light started flashing... it was 11:30 at night... and the hallucinations were intensifying.. I called a friend out of desperation to pick me and my friend up... leaving my car on the side of the road.... my friend had no idea I was using meth so he was shocked and horrified... to see that I was hallucinating so hard that literally the entire world around me looked like it was alive... trees immediately turned to giant monsters, cars turned into monsters (the lights were eyes.. bumpers turned into mouths etc.) the mountains turned into giant monsters fighting in the distance (think almost anime style monsters) ... plants were growing out the concrete...I was watching cartoons on any blank surface... I could feel the rain hitting me and my clothes blowing in the wind.. yet my friend swears it was silent out with no rain or wind... I know he is right because no one else was seeing the rain or monsters except my friend...etc. So I went into my room and took seroquel... I laid down to go to bed and I had a gnarly case of sleep paralysis.. it felt like a shock through my head and I couldn't move right as I was about to fall asleep... I kept trying to move and nothing.. I thought I was having a stroke... suddenly I could move but it was beyond terrifying.. I ended up going back to the hospital because I was convinced I was having seizures or strokes... So this "One last hit" had already turned into 6,000 dollars worth of hospital bills, over drafting my account by 40 dollars and passing my credit limit by 40 dollars.. keep in mind too I have no income... i had sex with my best friend and was in a full fledged psychosis. I could hear the monsters, there was music playing constantly... and the whole world around me was alive. I had also at this point left my car on the side of the freeway lol... and drove my car to the point of it breaking down... since throughout the last 3 days a good portion of the days was spent me and my friend driving around aimlessly.. smoking shit ...
The seroquel didn't help me sleep and just made my psychosis worse. They took me to the hospital and they gave me IV ativan which didn't make me sleep but they discharged me because I down played the psychosis... since I didn't want to be stuck in a psych ward.
When I got out I went home and my mom demanded I told her where my car was. I remembered only then that I had left it on the side of the road like a day ago. We found it (luckily it had been towed) but my mother demanded to know why I looked like hell (no one looks pretty after a 4 day meth binge) and going to the hospital etc. I told her I was "struggling" with a drug(I ended up saying weed.. I'll explain why later). I wouldn't tell her it was meth because she is the over protective Christian type... I expected her to be upset and concerned... but not that upset.. I was wrong.
She gave me a month to have my shit packed and be gone. No job, no money, no car, in debt, so fucked... we also fought viciously because omg OMG The depression.. and anxiety... from meth comedown is HELL. I've gone through some bad comedowns before... Molly... coke... mdpv.. propylhexedrine.. and meth a few other times... but nothing like this. I've never stayed up longer than a day on meth in the past... I haven't used since last Thursday... almost 7 days ago... but the depression and anxiety are RELENTLESS... I'm talking about full blown breaking down crying (I rarely cry if ever..)... pulling hair out... overdosing on meds to just sleep to get away from the anxiety attacks... the only thing that has saved me... is Kratom. I take a few capsules of maeng da kratom... and smoke some resin out of my weed pipe... along with hydroxyzine... and it has saved me. If I don't take kratom.. which I try not to because I don't want to become addicted... I spiral into the worst panic attacks and depression of my life. So bad that I even tried to hang myself on Friday. After my mom flipped out on me (which I'm 25 wtf am I doing living with my mom to begin with???) and realizing my life is a fucking train wreck ..the panic and depression brought me to my knees. I decided to kill myself. Luckily I used this metal pole thing to hang myself from that immediately broke off the wall... but jesus dude... The depression is a fucking nightmare. I'm glad I didn't die... because meth isn't something worth dying over plus the fact I got so desperate as to put my mother in the danger of finding her son dead is not okay.. how fucking selfish I would have been to do that to her..... but I didn't care at the time... I just desperately wanted to feel better... I took kratom after my suicide attempt and within an hour I felt calm and relaxed.. god I'd never needed it more in my life... . but I don't crave meth at all.. its more just how I feel. People say meth withdrawals are all mental. I don't believe I'm withdrawing.. I've only done it a hand full of times and even after 4 days of heavy use.. I don't think it's withdrawals.. I just think my brain has no happy chemicals left and the circumstances on top of the crash are the perfect formula for crippling anxiety and depression.
So Kratom has been my savior but once sobering up not only do I realize how fucked up I made my life from just one binge (damaged a long term best friendship, financially ruined myself, ruined my living situation, damaged my relationship with my mum, introduced my best friend to meth which meth ruined his family... so I'm sure introducing someone that literally has meth addiction in his genes to good crystal was not the best idea... especially when I adore this friend and want nothing more than to see his life work out (guiltttttt ughhh so much guilt) and since the psychosis hasn't completely gone away.. and the mental anguish is still there (dosing with kratom on the regular is all that seems to help... or any opiate for that matter), also my doctor cut off my supply of benzos because I'm using meth.. I even saw the doctor yesterday to see if they'd renew my prescription of ativan and they said that now that I used meth they cannot in all good conscience offer me a drug that has addictive potential.. (FUCK ME RIGHT???!!)
The car being gone is the worst part. I wouldn't feel so lost and hopeless getting kicked out if I had a car to go to... I told my mom I started smoking weed again as my admission (that was the drug I decided to blame since it's not nearly as bad as meth and I really don't care about weed anyways.. plus I offered to drug test to show her its all I've been on to maybe gain leverage so I could stay longer..(knowing meth leaves the system quickly).. it didn't help.. it made her more angry to "know her child is using drugs of any sort." She is also cancelling my phone service, my health insurance and my car insurance... so even if I got my car back (which my dad is trying to fix it and can't seem to figure out what is wrong, I still wouldn't be able to drive it..
Moral of the story... Meth... it's the funnest shit ever.. till it's not.
Seriously the high was fantastic. The best stimulant high by far. Especially IV. omg it was like being superman and wanting to hug everyone... absolutely overwhelming.. so much euphoria.. still wish I had just fucked with heroin instead lol. Heroin was just as good... but I could't find it anymore.. heroin is just as evil... but I kinda disagree only because meth makes you super active and impulsive... which is a fucking bad combo...heroin the worst that will happen is you'll overdose or pass out/end up with a gnarly addiction that will ruin your life. Meth you'll end up fucking your life up all in one day because fuck it why not right? Why would I fuck my best friend? Meth. Not even once. lol. I think the scariest part about being clean from meth is not knowing how long it will be before I don't want to put a bullet through my skull. Wish me luck. Kratom has helped tremendously but who knows.. it may just be prolonging the depression. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!
Seriously though... how long before the anxiety and depression at least get better? Fuck being cut off of benzos and meth all at once is some bullshit... I'd plug a fucking grizzly to have even a handful of ativan to look forward to.
) it seems to me that this one episode wasn't the sole cause of the situation you now find yourself in but part of an ongoing pattern of behaviour that, I'm guessing has been going on for sometime.
