well swim 24 and not addicted to opiates. blow is a different story. swim has done some pretty sickening things for a gram. however she does understand that feeling. What she noticed is that that feeling of being "done with your life" has changed the other shes gotten. in middle school and high school before her addiction she would do the same. lay in bed and just wish not to wake up. or she would go for a walk that lasted hours and just debated sitting in the woods until she froze to death so no one would need to clean up her mess. swim seemed to get over that for the most part. like "outgrew it" or so she thought. she was turned onto coke and life was wonderful. she thought she was happy. but then she dated a drill sgt who for obvious reasons couldnt be dating a coke whore so she quite cold turky and was a HOT MESS just a jumble***k of emotions that wernt happiness. but there was still a sane bone in her body which told her "okay britt... this is not normal and not okay" no matter that the other emotions she had kept telling that sane bone to stfu. it sounds like you still have that which actually means alot trust me. recently: swim has gotten into horrible situations she never thought she would find herself into. swim lives alone and has since she was 16. shes going to a great school for interior design and then a masters in architecture and while she didnt always have a great relationship with her parents now has both of their names tattoed om her. she has 2 cats who mean the world to her and wonderful friends. however there was a point she got to a few months ago which ill describe and only someone whose been there knows the feeling. its the most terrifying in the world. she just shut off completely it was literally like someone flipped the switch. she couldnt love she could hate she couldnt cry she couldnt laugh she couldnt feel anyhting. she would look in the mirror and it was like looking at someone passing by. when it happend she tride to do anyhitng she could to save herself because that one sane bone in her body was fighting by a thread to hang on. she was looking for new homes for her cats, packing her things in boxes, put in her 2 week notice bought $1000 worth of blow wrote a gift list and letters to people she knew and was going to (again) go deep in the woods where she could see the stars and do so much coke she wouldnt wake and never be found. no mess or concern for her. she was verry verry close. theres a few things that have really helped her when she has felt completely just dead and gone inside. which she hopes she can pass onto you. first.... she is a firm believer in venting. verbally (or typing with you fingers which youve done) and physically. and paying a 3rd party (or having the insurence company pay for one) is my biggest recommendation. i dont think there is a person on this planet who shouldnt see a therapist. THAT BEING SAID... there are some really f***ing sh***y ones out there and it may take a trial and error to find a good one. which takes patience and if your at the point i was. ur just hopelessly done. but again; like myself it sounds like you have that same sane bone in you. the TRUE you fighting to hang on by a finger to that thread of "you". my therapist was fantastic. she used to be a homeless prostitute who was addicted to heroin and i loved her because she truly understood what it was like. 100%. i told her that she was as crazy as me and i loved it because she genuinely helped me. yes... i was put on medication for depression (which 60% of people are on) and she put me on bipolar medication and i never wanted to admit im either as in like "nope... im not as f***ed up as everyone seems to think. i already hate myself i dont need to be diagnosed as a nut." but pills are pills so i tride them.they help alittle. not 100% but i do get out of bed and dont over react as much. all that being said. getting to motivation do search for a therapist is work and when i was at my LOW point at 24 i really just didnt care enough. i was just done. dead inside completely. that sane bone i keep mentioning... whispering that i need to feel something. anything. i didnt care what id rather be miserable then feel NOTHING. and it sounds like you may be at the point i was. secondly... carreers like military psychiactric care is not disclosed. its public information for your commanding officer so i suggest against it if you are in the military. the REAL reason im posting to you; is reading your vent, i understand and even though we're all stangers. over the internet nonjudgmental strangers (aside from trolls) can be very helpful and much easier to talk to. since im an egoist when it comes to my morals i know that as humans we are selfish. my selfishness for reading this was because i know how i felt when i was at my low and no one can really understand what its like to be a shell untill you see yourself as nonexistent. does that make since? your my age and you sound like you have a pretty similar lifestyle as myself and if i had some random stranger mention that they understand and have concern, i would have had a slight boost that would last a split second, but there. so (and i dont say this im kind of a blunt cold person) im concerned because i know what its like. LASTLY (sorry this is a book) theres a website swim is on (im back to useing swim i guess) for many things. coke addiction bulimia ect. again strangers so ill tell you. you made the comment that writing on here made u feel a little better. that little breath of air after being shut in can make or break i said im a beliver in venting and typing like this is a really good way mentally and physically. people on this site have been really supportive and im not an online kinda girl. if your interested its an online support group that has EVERYTHING and there are people out there all over who have been though the same thing and made it. but its not easy i promise.
http://www.supportgroups.com
you add the groups you want to belong to and its a lot like this. its actually helped me alot and i was surprised how much strangers can teach you about yourself and why things are the way they are. i strongly suggest that. if you join ill add you and "support" you (as the site says) which measn your supporters will see your post and post to you. its actually an amazing site and if you knew how much i hated the internet or social networking you would know i mean business.
okay 2 last things so sorry since this is turning into a novel. as cleche' as this is... being around people, working more, and useing your mask with a smile and fake positive attutude will actully force you into being "okay at the moment". my manager who is 25 tride to kill himself a few months ago. he had seen the scars on my wrist and came to me after he got out of the hospital. i was honest with him and told him similar things im telling you. he had up and quit his job the day he cut his wrist length way. the get the job done way. he quit though fax so i was upset. when he came to me, he had never tride to commit suide or thought about it. i told him quitting was the worst possible thing you could do. since im an interior designer, (well in school for) i work at sherwin williams the paint compay. on bad days i HATE dealing with people especially in retail so i understood wanted to avoid it. however i convinced him to come in and deal and talk to as many customers as he could to put on a fake smile and act like everything is fine. because even though its an internal monster you need to fight him interally and externally. faking a smile and a laugh will help push that sh** out. becasue deep down thats what you want. that bone in your body wants to just be okay, which is why your still here and why you wrote on here. its pretty powerful you just need to hold on to it and help him beat that moster who has the potential to kill you. its one of those internal conflicts only the bad is louder than the good. that good though is stronger and its one of those you need to tell youself "if its a fight you want its a fight youll get" itll be the hardest one of your life but its like betting money on the nba playoffs. the monster inside you is the heat. who you KNOW you dont want to see win becasue they dont desureve it. why does the negative you deserve to win? thats bs right? bet money on the spurs (the sane bone) becasue dont you think that for once in your life you deserve to experience true happiness just once. many people can love you but only you know you. idk you but i know that theres still that once piece in there that keeps getting the lebron elbo fowl and cant get up and make it out with the trophy because theres always something shady preventing it (sorry if you like lebron) just fight. and fighting with yoursef even outloud goes a long way. its a good way to explode without hurting anyone. even though you have those people its not about people who love you. its about that inner conflict and monster. and killing it for good. like good good dead and burried. the drugs are a stun gun. its puts him down for a bit but he comes back madder than ever. i DONT suggest on quitting tho. i think drugs can be mannaged. i went from spending 2k a week to 150 a months. its all moderation and only use when you feel okay. dont eat food that reminds you of opiates, none of the music you listed to none of the same places with the same smells all that euphoria will only make your cravings worse. this is terrible information, but try switching. aderalls are easy and safe and you can pop them at any time get prescriptions ect and the come down isnt bad. i got my friend off of crack on coke. still not good but better. i dont recomend coke for you becasue yes youll feel good but the come down is verry depressing and you feel worse. addys are litterally the happy pill. try getting a prescription for that (this last part is all bad not dr.phil recomended advice but im being honest) i wouldnt tell you if i didnt hope it would help.
Again sorry this is SO long.... hopefully you got through it without passing though bc as arogent as this sounds i mean it and deeply suggest it, only becasue it worked for me and you sound similar to me. i could talk all day about how messed up ive been but this is long enough. im not peaches and cream today but im okay and okay is all i can hope for and let me tell you. being able to cry when im upset... i love it. i appreciate it becasue i know that i won. the calls in my court, im a fighter and love coming out on top. no one should ever make you feel so empty that the thought of absolutly nothing forever is somehow soothing. i hate country but listen to blain larsons how do you get that loanly. that helped me too. idky but i felt like it was writen about me even though im a girl after i was gone. if theres anyhitng i can do without rambling let me know and if you join that site tell me and ill add you and check on you. i hope you can be just okay soon. hold on the that piece who convinced you to right on here
