DopeSick15
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2015
- Messages
- 1
Hey there anonymous person on the other side of the machine,
My name is Randy, and I'm writing because I feel it's time I go somewhere where others might be able to help me. Here's some backstory on me.
I'm 23 years old and have been using heroin pretty much everyday for the past 6 months. This "addiction" started exactly a year ago around November 2013, it's now January of 2015, and here I am. I almost feel ashamed, but I'll try not to be too hard on myself. We all make less than ideal choices here and there. While November - July was a blast, a party in my head, "WE'RE GOING SKIING ON THE MOUNTAINS!", August I turned 23 and from there on out, it was more of an "I need that" instead of "I would like that." I only ever snorted as shooting and 'booting' just wasn't for me. It's my firm belief that once you shoot it, it's an entirely different monster. But some will say junk is junk is junk, and I'd respect their right to say that. We all see things as we wish to see them.
I'm a new member, and I actually just signed up five minutes ago so I could post this. I've posted this thread in the "Homeless" section, with hopes that a staff member can kindly redirect it to it's proper home.
The reason I am reaching out for help is because I feel like I need some support. I'm a good guy, and this isn't like me. Here's the plot twist.
I've been clean for 20 days as of today, but I still feel "weird." The sickness itself feels to have passed, but my body just still feels so "off." It's like, I'm so used to being sick, that even when I'm not sick, I expect it to be coming. I'm just so accustomed to feeling sick 24/7. I wake up in the morning and though my insides don't feel destroyed like they were, I lie in bed awaiting the awful sickness that may or may not be there.
When I detoxed, even on day 15, I felt like my intestines were a wet towel that was getting rung out until every last drop of water was off of it. In this case, it felt like my intestines were getting ring out until every last spec of powder was out of me. It felt like someone was sticking their hand up into my stomach and literally twisting my insides. I have never felt any pain like this. I can say with 100% confidence that it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. And that was only 5 days ago.
I almost want to give up. It would e so easy to hit up my "boy" and get more. I just don't want to. Forgiven for wanting more in life. Forgive me for walking away. Forgive me for being so dumb to try it in the first place when I knew deep down in my heart that it was wrong. Forgive me, for sometimes, I can't forgive myself.
Day 20 and I still feel sick randomly. And I hear these voices in my head. Some say, "Let's get some bags! Who cares mannnn?" Then another voice chimes in, "We are NOT going through that withdrawal shit again, get it together Randy!" I know it probably sounds silly, but I just don't even know what to think. I'm not used to not being sick. And it's like it's making me sick.
I'm reaching out because everything I've read days withdrawal only last 3 - 5 days, 7 max, with anything past that being PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms). But I don't believe that.
I'm on day 20 and this struggle is still very much alive for me. I don't care for heroin, I care for feeling healthy and well. Why would anyone do a drug that takes way for the general well being? (Looks sarcastically in mirror at self)
This struggle is real. I will do one of two things. I'll stay off it and stay clean, knowing I beat the sickness, knowing I won. Or I'll die trying to quit, most likely alone, having succumbed to injection or possibly just swallowing my own vomit one day and not waking up. I don't want to be too graphic, but it's the truth. You quit or you die trying. And 20 days clean, I'm trying so hard to do what's right. I'm trying so hard to do what's best. I'm trying so hard to overcome myself enough to love myself to full capacity.
But in the meantime, I'll think of how I'm talking to myself until someone takes the time to reply. I could be your brother, your son, your nephew, your cousin. I could be that guy at McDonald's that takes your order. I could be a taxi driver who gives you your next ride, or the trash man who collects your garbage. I'm just another human, and deep down inside, we're probably not all that different. So please, help me.
Thank you for reading.
My name is Randy, and I'm writing because I feel it's time I go somewhere where others might be able to help me. Here's some backstory on me.
I'm 23 years old and have been using heroin pretty much everyday for the past 6 months. This "addiction" started exactly a year ago around November 2013, it's now January of 2015, and here I am. I almost feel ashamed, but I'll try not to be too hard on myself. We all make less than ideal choices here and there. While November - July was a blast, a party in my head, "WE'RE GOING SKIING ON THE MOUNTAINS!", August I turned 23 and from there on out, it was more of an "I need that" instead of "I would like that." I only ever snorted as shooting and 'booting' just wasn't for me. It's my firm belief that once you shoot it, it's an entirely different monster. But some will say junk is junk is junk, and I'd respect their right to say that. We all see things as we wish to see them.
I'm a new member, and I actually just signed up five minutes ago so I could post this. I've posted this thread in the "Homeless" section, with hopes that a staff member can kindly redirect it to it's proper home.
The reason I am reaching out for help is because I feel like I need some support. I'm a good guy, and this isn't like me. Here's the plot twist.
I've been clean for 20 days as of today, but I still feel "weird." The sickness itself feels to have passed, but my body just still feels so "off." It's like, I'm so used to being sick, that even when I'm not sick, I expect it to be coming. I'm just so accustomed to feeling sick 24/7. I wake up in the morning and though my insides don't feel destroyed like they were, I lie in bed awaiting the awful sickness that may or may not be there.
When I detoxed, even on day 15, I felt like my intestines were a wet towel that was getting rung out until every last drop of water was off of it. In this case, it felt like my intestines were getting ring out until every last spec of powder was out of me. It felt like someone was sticking their hand up into my stomach and literally twisting my insides. I have never felt any pain like this. I can say with 100% confidence that it was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. And that was only 5 days ago.
I almost want to give up. It would e so easy to hit up my "boy" and get more. I just don't want to. Forgiven for wanting more in life. Forgive me for walking away. Forgive me for being so dumb to try it in the first place when I knew deep down in my heart that it was wrong. Forgive me, for sometimes, I can't forgive myself.
Day 20 and I still feel sick randomly. And I hear these voices in my head. Some say, "Let's get some bags! Who cares mannnn?" Then another voice chimes in, "We are NOT going through that withdrawal shit again, get it together Randy!" I know it probably sounds silly, but I just don't even know what to think. I'm not used to not being sick. And it's like it's making me sick.
I'm reaching out because everything I've read days withdrawal only last 3 - 5 days, 7 max, with anything past that being PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms). But I don't believe that.
I'm on day 20 and this struggle is still very much alive for me. I don't care for heroin, I care for feeling healthy and well. Why would anyone do a drug that takes way for the general well being? (Looks sarcastically in mirror at self)
This struggle is real. I will do one of two things. I'll stay off it and stay clean, knowing I beat the sickness, knowing I won. Or I'll die trying to quit, most likely alone, having succumbed to injection or possibly just swallowing my own vomit one day and not waking up. I don't want to be too graphic, but it's the truth. You quit or you die trying. And 20 days clean, I'm trying so hard to do what's right. I'm trying so hard to do what's best. I'm trying so hard to overcome myself enough to love myself to full capacity.
But in the meantime, I'll think of how I'm talking to myself until someone takes the time to reply. I could be your brother, your son, your nephew, your cousin. I could be that guy at McDonald's that takes your order. I could be a taxi driver who gives you your next ride, or the trash man who collects your garbage. I'm just another human, and deep down inside, we're probably not all that different. So please, help me.
Thank you for reading.
