Just slept during the whole day after using the little bit of opiates I had this morning. Mild withdrawals surfacing again, took 1mg kpin, 10mg melatonin. Really mad at myself for using, still haven't deleted the dealers # and could get more but fuck this can't just go on and on. I won't be getting subs or dope or Tramadol and just shaking laying in bed until I feel human again.
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Screw a slow 6 month taper off Methadone, I'm jumping at 40mg.
- Thread starter Get2Think
- Start date
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Good for you.. Don't ever give up… you are doing this, it's just so hard.
Something similar happened to me… Not the exact same at all but similar. After a few days, I used, then on the subs, then quit those.. then used tar again. What a roller coaster, I then mixed in methadone somewhere… to get off the tar again. Argh!
Looking back though - I'm glad I went through all of that … so I don't have the desire to go at it again now. It got me here… Damn, was painful … but worth it to be out of that cycle.
Something similar happened to me… Not the exact same at all but similar. After a few days, I used, then on the subs, then quit those.. then used tar again. What a roller coaster, I then mixed in methadone somewhere… to get off the tar again. Argh!
Looking back though - I'm glad I went through all of that … so I don't have the desire to go at it again now. It got me here… Damn, was painful … but worth it to be out of that cycle.
methamaniac
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2014
- Messages
- 976
That's the attitude you need!
You can't go on and on like this.
Smokys right, the rollercoaster of pain doesnt end till you stop using. You know that.
You said you got clean before so you know how much better it is than where you are now.
You know it gets better.
You just got to stop using. Trust me I know, easier said than done.
But it can be done. Just dont use and it will happen. I dont mean to trivialize how hard this is.
Just once you make your mind up this is going to go so much dam easier. After two -three days go by, you wont want to to waste that timen you spent in pain.
Still praying for ya
You can do this
Thanks guys Smoky I can really relate to your story about bouncing off different opiates, it's shit and I had to just block my dealers numbers because its times like this 4am where I'm just fuck it, I don't care, I just want outta my head, outta this bed, outta this room. The WDs aren't even that bad physically but now that I fucked around with the needle again I'm fiending on that, stabing myself with a dull rig, cooking cottons, and the shit was all gone this morning but of course I tried again to get some relief.none found.
BigG
Ex-Bluelighter
Sounds rough mate. I don't know a great deal about AA or NA meetings or anything like that but maybe some sort of psychiatric help may be just the ticket as it sounds as if a lot of your problems are more mental than physical.
It's perfectly natural to want relief when you feel shit but it's how you deal with those feelings that is the difference between success and failure.
Stay strong mate
It's perfectly natural to want relief when you feel shit but it's how you deal with those feelings that is the difference between success and failure.
Stay strong mate
Failing failing failing. It's been probley 9-10 days since I've been on methadone and this is becoming a very confusing and sad ordeal.
After spending the entire day yesterday in bed. I woke up this morning broke s promise to my parents that I wasn't going out to cop, and I went and spent money I don't have on shit that didn't even make
me feel better.
The WDs before using weren't even that bad, hell they were hardly there, but the mental crap is getting me so now I'm using my DOC IV H again. It's not good.
I dunno I'm calling people, reaching out for support, I just feel so goddamn hopeless with or without the dope. It was such a hassle just to get the shit I had to wait about 3 hours, felt like 9 though.
I dunno guys I haven't been to a meeting in a couple days. I don't like the meetings up her that much it's old timers and young ppl with court cards. I'm just having such a tough time imagining getting sober in this town. You know, 30 days, 60 day, etc.
My NA sponsor basically chewed my ass out and reminded me of the extremely harsh reality of this disease and what I'm up against judt tk have a chance at even having a life of poverty or mediocrity if I so choose.
I feel extemely hopeless but I don't regret leaving the methadone clinic. Although this has not been a straight line towards abstinence and has including relapsing with my DOC I see a small glimmer of hope. But of course I keep smashing it by using.
I really don't wanna go to a detox facility because I can't afford it and I've been there before its a bitch.
My other option is switch to a lighter weight opiate like tramadol and then try and have a soft landing and then taper off that.
I could get subs but I'm afraid of those because of how powerful they are and detoxing from those ain't no picnic neither. As you guys can tell, my hope,
Confidence, and drive to get clean has been weakened significantly to the point of utter and complete halloetosis of the soul. I'm so angry at God for giving me this disease but at the same time he's
my only way outta this hell hole I dug myself into.
I realy don't want to keep using my DOC because I'm getting ripped off and it's making this harder. Sure it feels nice to get some relief but obviously it ain't worth it. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road and things are going to get better or a whole lot worse, I mean worse than I've ever known before. I know God will let me hit whatever bottom it takes for me to quit hurting myself and everyone around me. And that scares me. I'm very isolated, the only ppl I talk to are at meetings or involved with drugs.
I'm going to be 30 years old in May, do
I want another repeat of my 20's? Loosing and giving everything I love and cherish away for drugs? Or am I gonna get out of my own way and let God and narcotics anonymous save my life. Because I'm drowning here. I'm one step from homelessness and my parents pay all of my bills and give me free room and board. And I lie right to their fucking faces. Man that ain't me. The real
Me is a good guy who is very honest and stands for mercy and forgiveness and strength.
What you guys are hearing is the disease talking. And it's clouding my mind so Iam unable to take suggestions and do anything but continue to use. May God have mercy on my soul and every other addicts soul out there lost in the war. I thought for sure I was gonna make it, I'm no longer that naive.
Sigh....thank you bluelighters. Forgive me for not doing what you advised me
To do. I read each and every post and I hope in time I can be like 'smoky' 'methamaniac' and 'neversicksnymore' and 'herbavore'
Help other addicts to get a 2nd chance at life.
After spending the entire day yesterday in bed. I woke up this morning broke s promise to my parents that I wasn't going out to cop, and I went and spent money I don't have on shit that didn't even make
me feel better.
The WDs before using weren't even that bad, hell they were hardly there, but the mental crap is getting me so now I'm using my DOC IV H again. It's not good.
I dunno I'm calling people, reaching out for support, I just feel so goddamn hopeless with or without the dope. It was such a hassle just to get the shit I had to wait about 3 hours, felt like 9 though.
I dunno guys I haven't been to a meeting in a couple days. I don't like the meetings up her that much it's old timers and young ppl with court cards. I'm just having such a tough time imagining getting sober in this town. You know, 30 days, 60 day, etc.
My NA sponsor basically chewed my ass out and reminded me of the extremely harsh reality of this disease and what I'm up against judt tk have a chance at even having a life of poverty or mediocrity if I so choose.
I feel extemely hopeless but I don't regret leaving the methadone clinic. Although this has not been a straight line towards abstinence and has including relapsing with my DOC I see a small glimmer of hope. But of course I keep smashing it by using.
I really don't wanna go to a detox facility because I can't afford it and I've been there before its a bitch.My other option is switch to a lighter weight opiate like tramadol and then try and have a soft landing and then taper off that.
I could get subs but I'm afraid of those because of how powerful they are and detoxing from those ain't no picnic neither. As you guys can tell, my hope,
Confidence, and drive to get clean has been weakened significantly to the point of utter and complete halloetosis of the soul. I'm so angry at God for giving me this disease but at the same time he's
my only way outta this hell hole I dug myself into.
I realy don't want to keep using my DOC because I'm getting ripped off and it's making this harder. Sure it feels nice to get some relief but obviously it ain't worth it. I feel like I'm at a fork in the road and things are going to get better or a whole lot worse, I mean worse than I've ever known before. I know God will let me hit whatever bottom it takes for me to quit hurting myself and everyone around me. And that scares me. I'm very isolated, the only ppl I talk to are at meetings or involved with drugs.
I'm going to be 30 years old in May, do
I want another repeat of my 20's? Loosing and giving everything I love and cherish away for drugs? Or am I gonna get out of my own way and let God and narcotics anonymous save my life. Because I'm drowning here. I'm one step from homelessness and my parents pay all of my bills and give me free room and board. And I lie right to their fucking faces. Man that ain't me. The real
Me is a good guy who is very honest and stands for mercy and forgiveness and strength.
What you guys are hearing is the disease talking. And it's clouding my mind so Iam unable to take suggestions and do anything but continue to use. May God have mercy on my soul and every other addicts soul out there lost in the war. I thought for sure I was gonna make it, I'm no longer that naive.
Sigh....thank you bluelighters. Forgive me for not doing what you advised me
To do. I read each and every post and I hope in time I can be like 'smoky' 'methamaniac' and 'neversicksnymore' and 'herbavore'
Help other addicts to get a 2nd chance at life.
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Good for you for doing that. It was like the 2nd/3rd day and my dealer called and was offering me a free 1/2 with delivery. LOL. He never offered many discounts when 'I' called on him. So, yeah… I deleted his # that day and so grateful looking back, cos it does cross my mind sometimes.
Getting out of my head was the worst and still can be, I feel ya! I just did ANYTHING to pass the time. I speak with people today and they told me I called them then, lol.. I don't have much recollection of it, but was just writing and calling people and just walking around the block if I could…
Hang in there. Yeah, the needle in itself releases endorphins… Just thinking about it…
I would get some Glutamine, crosses bbb and slows things way down… If you don't have clonidine or anything… Maybe some Lope too, just for now
methamaniac
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2014
- Messages
- 976
Dude
im just another junkie like you,
hoping someone can get something out of my pain.
I decided my bottom. I'm sure I could've took it some ways further ( tho scary to think how)
But I knew it would've ended real bad.
I also knew I didnt have another decade of drug use left in me.
The choice to stop using didnt make everything magically better(and intially caused a lot of pain) but gave me a chance at a real life and being happy.
I think you are confusing Gods actions with your own. You are the actions you take.
You continuously lie to your parents you become what is known as liar.
You continuously steal stuff( not saying you do) you become what is known as a theif.
You continuously abuse drugs you become what is known as drug addict.
You're making choices the whole way.
Ask for frogiveness (if nothing else from self)
and move on. Start changing things to become the you that you want to be. One choice at a time.
Or you can just keep doing same things and getting same result. Misery isnt suppose to feel good.
I really feel like im talking to myself before I got clean so PLEASE anything I say personally.
I think you may need to talk to doc about mood stabilizer. The mental pain you are experincing seems pretty bad.
When I went through md wd I hurt so bad physically, it overshadowed the mental.
But I was on it for lot longer than you.
Dont get me wrong I experienced same feelings you have. It took weeks before my overall mood was happy/content. I'm just saying it didnt get bad enough to cause me to use ONCE I made my mind up I wasnt using no matter what.
A lot of this mental shit depends on how fast your body returns to homeostasis. This is different for different folks. I cant say how fast your body will adjust its chemicals, just that you got best shot at getting them back on track clean.
If you just can not get clean its time to seek professional help.
People use different meds to help with physcial and mental sides.
If you can somehow make it even a week tho,I think your attitude will change.
But only you can be judge of that.
I wish the best for ya no matter what.
I really hope you find peace tho, you do deserve it!
im just another junkie like you,
hoping someone can get something out of my pain.
I decided my bottom. I'm sure I could've took it some ways further ( tho scary to think how)
But I knew it would've ended real bad.
I also knew I didnt have another decade of drug use left in me.
The choice to stop using didnt make everything magically better(and intially caused a lot of pain) but gave me a chance at a real life and being happy.
I think you are confusing Gods actions with your own. You are the actions you take.
You continuously lie to your parents you become what is known as liar.
You continuously steal stuff( not saying you do) you become what is known as a theif.
You continuously abuse drugs you become what is known as drug addict.
You're making choices the whole way.
Ask for frogiveness (if nothing else from self)
and move on. Start changing things to become the you that you want to be. One choice at a time.
Or you can just keep doing same things and getting same result. Misery isnt suppose to feel good.
I really feel like im talking to myself before I got clean so PLEASE anything I say personally.
I think you may need to talk to doc about mood stabilizer. The mental pain you are experincing seems pretty bad.
When I went through md wd I hurt so bad physically, it overshadowed the mental.
But I was on it for lot longer than you.
Dont get me wrong I experienced same feelings you have. It took weeks before my overall mood was happy/content. I'm just saying it didnt get bad enough to cause me to use ONCE I made my mind up I wasnt using no matter what.
A lot of this mental shit depends on how fast your body returns to homeostasis. This is different for different folks. I cant say how fast your body will adjust its chemicals, just that you got best shot at getting them back on track clean.
If you just can not get clean its time to seek professional help.
People use different meds to help with physcial and mental sides.
If you can somehow make it even a week tho,I think your attitude will change.
But only you can be judge of that.
I wish the best for ya no matter what.
I really hope you find peace tho, you do deserve it!
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Smoky
Bluelight Crew
Yes ^
Good points above.
Also, Mood stabilizers helped me during this time. I took high doses of Seroquel. Really really helped me sleep more. It can cause some RLS a little, but it did help bring me down… took at night and Alka Seltzer PM.
Good points above.
Also, Mood stabilizers helped me during this time. I took high doses of Seroquel. Really really helped me sleep more. It can cause some RLS a little, but it did help bring me down… took at night and Alka Seltzer PM.
Wow such encouraging posts. Even though I used this morning I made a phone call that might change my life. A friend who I was getting "stuff" from
Mentioned his friend Nick who use to be on methadone and is now clean. So
I got Nicks number and I called him
Up.
Turns out we are the same age and we talked for almost an hour about recovery and relapse and sobriety and it gave me hope and he said I could cal him periodically to check in and talk.
I know there's pain coming but I'm going pray for acceptance and now I Am ready to get clean and God willing, stay clean. Hearing Nicks story, it reminded me of how much life I have ahead of me and how great sobriety can be and I believe this in my heart of hearts because I lived it.
Much like you smoky and you methamaniac you both know what kind of mental state I'm in and that sobriety must be earned and it's possible but you have to REALLY want it. And I do. But of course, my actions will be the verdict of that.
So here is my plan. First off I threw out all my paraphernalia in a location I won't be able to find. Next is tried to talk to my friend and explain to him that I had to block his number because I'm weak and it's nothing personal. Unfortunately he never responded so I did my best to block every phone number the best I could out of my iPhone.
I realise I need to apologize to God and
myself. My personal belief is God is the only powerful source enough to keep me
sober. So I'm gonna do all the things I did the last time I was in a situation like this.
-not using
-pray
-meditate-
-go on walks
-go to the movies I really wanna see the hobbit
-read recovery literature and if I can't sleep do something, don't just toss and turn for hours mad that I can't sleep.
-go to as many meetings as I can
-keep updating on bluelight
- call my friend Nick periodically
- try to survive the mistakes I've
Made in the short term that can discourage my life.
-listen to AA/NA testimonials on my phone
-watch recovery videos
-watch comedies on my ps4
-showers
Basically I'm gonna try what neversickanymore did, he went on living as if he were already well. My hope is high and it's nice to have a break from
the WDs but they will come and I believe this time I'll make it to the other side.
If i don't then I'll have to consider some sort of detox because I'll loose everything if I'm not in recovery. Please pray for me.
Mentioned his friend Nick who use to be on methadone and is now clean. So
I got Nicks number and I called him
Up.
Turns out we are the same age and we talked for almost an hour about recovery and relapse and sobriety and it gave me hope and he said I could cal him periodically to check in and talk.
I know there's pain coming but I'm going pray for acceptance and now I Am ready to get clean and God willing, stay clean. Hearing Nicks story, it reminded me of how much life I have ahead of me and how great sobriety can be and I believe this in my heart of hearts because I lived it.
Much like you smoky and you methamaniac you both know what kind of mental state I'm in and that sobriety must be earned and it's possible but you have to REALLY want it. And I do. But of course, my actions will be the verdict of that.
So here is my plan. First off I threw out all my paraphernalia in a location I won't be able to find. Next is tried to talk to my friend and explain to him that I had to block his number because I'm weak and it's nothing personal. Unfortunately he never responded so I did my best to block every phone number the best I could out of my iPhone.
I realise I need to apologize to God and
myself. My personal belief is God is the only powerful source enough to keep me
sober. So I'm gonna do all the things I did the last time I was in a situation like this.
-not using
-pray
-meditate-
-go on walks
-go to the movies I really wanna see the hobbit
-read recovery literature and if I can't sleep do something, don't just toss and turn for hours mad that I can't sleep.
-go to as many meetings as I can
-keep updating on bluelight
- call my friend Nick periodically
- try to survive the mistakes I've
Made in the short term that can discourage my life.
-listen to AA/NA testimonials on my phone
-watch recovery videos
-watch comedies on my ps4
-showers
Basically I'm gonna try what neversickanymore did, he went on living as if he were already well. My hope is high and it's nice to have a break from
the WDs but they will come and I believe this time I'll make it to the other side.
If i don't then I'll have to consider some sort of detox because I'll loose everything if I'm not in recovery. Please pray for me.
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methamaniac
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2014
- Messages
- 976
^
Sounds like your planning for success now!
Put not using at top of list
I was where you are few short months ago.
It gets better I promise
Sounds like your planning for success now!
Put not using at top of list
I was where you are few short months ago.
It gets better I promise
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
You can do this Get2
I do know the state you are in…. not too far from it myself.
You have a plan, just follow through and don't use no matter what.
If you want to use .. just pick up the phone instead, make a post, eat … anything and everything you've mentioned.
Notice the progress you've made every day instead of focusing on how painful it is, don't buy into the thoughts… And it's painful… but temporary.
You are in my thoughts.. praying for you,
I'm sending healing vibes your way ----- >>>
Hang in there, you're the only person you got.. Don't forget to love yourself.. You're worth it!
I do know the state you are in…. not too far from it myself.
You have a plan, just follow through and don't use no matter what.
If you want to use .. just pick up the phone instead, make a post, eat … anything and everything you've mentioned.
Notice the progress you've made every day instead of focusing on how painful it is, don't buy into the thoughts… And it's painful… but temporary.
You are in my thoughts.. praying for you,
I'm sending healing vibes your way ----- >>>
Hang in there, you're the only person you got.. Don't forget to love yourself.. You're worth it!
I don't like admitting that I failed at pretty much everything on my list, most importantly not useing. It's amazing how hard it becomes just to get dressed and I found myself laying in bed miserable most of the day until my dealer finally got back to me.I dunno what's happened guys, I use to be able to get off opiates a bunch of times maybe it's the fact that I'm older, my disease had progressed, or that I'm living in bigger population areas and I can't seem to cut off all my ways to get more.
I see that I might have to go away after Christmas to a detox or something. My disease has become this monster and im not spiritual enough to let God keep it in check.
I got extremely loaded tonigjt because I was feeling sorry for myself. I didn't feel
High, I felt alive. I swear I felt almost exactly the way I felt at 60 days of sobriety. Laughing again, interested in things again, playing with the dogs, having energy to move around, feeling grateful for all the good things in my life.
So i admit that getting off methadone and arrogantly thinking I would be able to get clean was a farce. I don't regret it nor do I miss the clinic even though I'm grasping at straws trying to postpone the inevitable at least until the holidays are over.
I'm out of big money soI'll probley use suboxone to get me through Christmas cause when my brother comes I don't want him to see me moping around and in my room im my bed during the middle of the day. It's like the bed has a giant magnet and I can't go
far before it sucks me back in. Damnit lol.
I know I'm fucking up and I know I want sobriety I just don't know how the fuck im gonna just get clean again. These WDs aren't even that bad but with each relapse I'm starting to doubt my desire to want to be clean. I can't forget though that this what I (addicts) do and guys I think I really need to give myself a much needed break and turn down the worrying dial so I can be jolly and actually enjoy my first Christmas in this new town in this new house. Sobriety would be the best gift for myself but I don't see that happening.
I think it'd be cool to use subs up to Dec
31st and then have 1/1/15 be my
Sobriety date. Obviously I feel defeated and know that now I'll probley get dependent on subs and then have to WD from those which sucks sucks sucks. Fucking opiates man, they just won't let me and others like me be free. It's hard to imagine how i use to think they were the best thing on earth 6-7 years ago. My my how things have changed.
I'm gonna stop worrying so much and enjoy Christmas and put this detox on hold until the new year. This is suppose to be a joyous season so I'm gonna go easy on myself and cut myself a break. It's not like life's over and I'll be stuck on opiates forever, just for whatever reason my plan to get 100 percent clean and sober and off the methadone hasn't been going as I would have hoped.
Oh well......
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BigG
Ex-Bluelighter
Damn that's a shame. I really don't no what to say or suggest. I guess when you want to get clean badly enough you will. Until then, please be safe.
Smoky
Bluelight Crew
There is no such thing as failing… and there are no mistakes, really … only learning experiences to improve upon and strengthen the next experience.
No time is really lost if you get me.
The word failure is just mental a construct division of oneself, to separate and judge ourselves via what we thought 'should happen.' Expectations.
So this wasn't the time for you… Maybe next time will be, and you will carry with you this experience to move through the next one with more insight via memory of how bad it was. That's what helped me the second time.. it gave me the courage to do it again as I came pretty close the first go round. Looking back, I'm grateful the first time wasn't it for me as I have a more solid foundation now to build upon and less desire to use due to my multiple attempts at quitting.
Hang in there!
No time is really lost if you get me.
The word failure is just mental a construct division of oneself, to separate and judge ourselves via what we thought 'should happen.' Expectations.
So this wasn't the time for you… Maybe next time will be, and you will carry with you this experience to move through the next one with more insight via memory of how bad it was. That's what helped me the second time.. it gave me the courage to do it again as I came pretty close the first go round. Looking back, I'm grateful the first time wasn't it for me as I have a more solid foundation now to build upon and less desire to use due to my multiple attempts at quitting.
Hang in there!
methamaniac
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2014
- Messages
- 976
Tough time of year to get clean.
Subs may be your best for now.
You'll not get any break with H.
Its hard getting clean. If it was easy addiction wouldnt be a problem.
When the pain of addiction is more than the pain of getting clean you will be ready.
Just be safe so when the time comes you are there to come out the other side.
Remember how trapped amd crappy you feel now so if ever you do get clean again you will have a strong deterrent to keep you from relapsing.
Have a merry Christmas and Godspeed.
Subs may be your best for now.
You'll not get any break with H.
Its hard getting clean. If it was easy addiction wouldnt be a problem.
When the pain of addiction is more than the pain of getting clean you will be ready.
Just be safe so when the time comes you are there to come out the other side.
Remember how trapped amd crappy you feel now so if ever you do get clean again you will have a strong deterrent to keep you from relapsing.
Have a merry Christmas and Godspeed.
methamaniac
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2014
- Messages
- 976
You may want to start a new thread for this.
You'll get more replies that way.
I dont have any experience with kratom,
but I know oxy wds are a bitch.
Are you wondering if oxy wds are gone?
Cause I doubt it.
Good luck
Guys I feel wonderful im actuslly taking it easy and giving myself a break. I didn't sleep a wink, and just had a terrific day seeing the hobbit and felt so at peace and grateful today.
I think it was the prayer.
Now here me out, I've used H as much as I did last night and felt good and sometimrs felt crappy cause I was doing something I knew I didn't want to be doing. Anyways long story short I just had this amazing prayer with God where I asked for things like faith and Wisedom and gratitude and the difference was I believed that he would give me these things.
All day today I've been in a completely different state of mind. Like I just came out from a deep rut of depression. All of a sudden the town I live in is so beautiful this time of year, and I'm so grateful to have a car that works well and looks nice too, and then so excited to go see the Hobbit.
I dunno, could be the H, but I think it's hope and faith and gratitude because I feel like no matter what happens it will
Be okay. And my plan is to take
Subs until January then go to a detox or try and home again. I won't stop trying, I want to be clean so I can experience more of Gods love and mercy.
Anyways, it probley sounds crazy to you guys but to me it is very real. There was a darkness in me that was lifted last night and I feel light as a feather. Obviously once I go into WDs I'll probley go back to that terrible depression but I dunno, I think I made some kind of a spiritual breakthrough. Life has never looked
so wonderful, and the fear that I lived with all the time is gone...just gone.
Thank you guys for your support I'll
Probley let my thread cost downhill now unless I use H again or somehow something drastic happens that I need to share with you guys. DESPITE ALL OF THIS...im still glad to be off the methadone. God bless u all, merry Christmas!
I think it was the prayer.
Now here me out, I've used H as much as I did last night and felt good and sometimrs felt crappy cause I was doing something I knew I didn't want to be doing. Anyways long story short I just had this amazing prayer with God where I asked for things like faith and Wisedom and gratitude and the difference was I believed that he would give me these things.
All day today I've been in a completely different state of mind. Like I just came out from a deep rut of depression. All of a sudden the town I live in is so beautiful this time of year, and I'm so grateful to have a car that works well and looks nice too, and then so excited to go see the Hobbit.
I dunno, could be the H, but I think it's hope and faith and gratitude because I feel like no matter what happens it will
Be okay. And my plan is to take
Subs until January then go to a detox or try and home again. I won't stop trying, I want to be clean so I can experience more of Gods love and mercy.
Anyways, it probley sounds crazy to you guys but to me it is very real. There was a darkness in me that was lifted last night and I feel light as a feather. Obviously once I go into WDs I'll probley go back to that terrible depression but I dunno, I think I made some kind of a spiritual breakthrough. Life has never looked
so wonderful, and the fear that I lived with all the time is gone...just gone.
Thank you guys for your support I'll
Probley let my thread cost downhill now unless I use H again or somehow something drastic happens that I need to share with you guys. DESPITE ALL OF THIS...im still glad to be off the methadone. God bless u all, merry Christmas!