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I want my wife back

M

matt2012

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 31, 2006
Messages
2,257
Location
Canton, OH
To me it happened so fast my head is still spinning. To her, she was wrestling with the decision for a year or more.

There was no fighting, no signs, no suspission...just our normal routine and then one day she got up out of bed and said she wasn't happy and wanted me to leave. 2 months later a dissolution and now me watching as the only joy i have ever known slip through my fingers.

Going on 5 months apart now and my fire for her burns even hotter than the day I first gazed into her eyes and ,with a trembling voice, croaked the 3 worlds that would change everything.

Its been 3 weeks since I forced myself to stop contacting her. Nothing I did or said made things any better and just seeing her face tore at my emotions harder than I thought anything ever could. I had no idea I could feel so deeply.

Has anyone had any success with winning a lost love back? Is the fight hopeless? I am open to any suggestions. The only thing I am unwilling to do is give up. Wouldn't you all fight until your last if you final found the gem that dims all others?
 
There might have been no signs that you could not read. But they were most definitely there imo.
Does she still love you? for real I mean..
If you don´t know straight away that´s no..
Still she can go back to you.
 
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My sympathies - relationships can hurt like hell.

Everyone has reasons for what they do - what ones did she give you? (not asking you to post them, just think them through) Are they valid?

I'm not saying it is the case here, but often people who do the sinning are the ones who accuse - more often than you'd believe. It's like they commit the damaging act or betrayal and then have to bring the person to whom they did it down low so their betrayal or damage isn't so bad. It's clearly not as bad to hurt a scumbag as it is to hurt someone who is innocent and has only good things going on, so they attempt to make the innocent one into a scumbag.

Another aspect of that is people who make accusations are almost always guilty of those exact things. I've seen people accused of stealing and even lose their job because of it and it turned out the thief was the person doing the accusing.

Fighting for your jewel is one thing; fighting for a diamond that is really a piece of glass is a totally different thing and not worth what it will do to you.
 
Well if you spent five months trying to get her back I think she probably isn't coming back.

You might want to not give up on yourself. I know this sounds harsh but if she said she wasn't happy then she probably wasn't.

You had spoke of a normal routine. I guess she didn't dig it. I don't know if promising change would work with her but I seriously doubt you would want to bend over backwards to change for someone who left before telling you things were going bad.

So if it was me, I would move on. It sounds like you have a lot of love to give but giving it to someone who doesn'twant it will just end on heartbreak.

Maybe and this is a big maybe is that she wanted you to say you would change and for you to change. I have found you can get an ex back by saying you will change but it is never the same and you will break up again.

So it is probably for the best. You can find someone new. I think you will find yourself happier with a woman who appreciates you and is willing to put it as much as you seem to be putting into this marriage even though you should know it is over.

I guess I am saying if you have tries thia hard to get your qife back maybe you don't want her back if she isn't receptive. Maybe you want to invest your energy in learning to love yourself again and you can find a woman who will make you as happy as you try to make this one.

I suppose I would want and ask for some explanation for aarraige ending and you didn't get a very good one. So I think if it is like that than you deserve better. Sounds like you are very different people.
 
I'm very sorry.

You have only stopped contacting her three months ago. Give it a few months. Let her be without you for a while.

Did she say why? If so, think about how you could change things.
 
so who owned the house?

sad situation but people often get used financially at these harsh times. do you share a mortgage?
 
I lost my baby momma man i know how you feel.. Passed the DNA test, so have no idea where that chicks at.
 
Love is a mysterious thing and being in love is even more mysterious. Why do we fall out of love? It usually has nothing to do with the object of our love but with our own needs and unconscious desires. Your wife may only half understand her own motivations. It can be hard to believe in anything when this happens but try to let yourself grieve the loss without letting it undermine your sense of self (hardest thing in the world IMO).

People demand a lot out of a partner that is unrealistic--like making them happy. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. If two people that understand that get together things usually go smoother whether the relationship endures or not.
 
You cant make someone love you, and trying just makes it worse. There are 7 billion people on the planet, about half of them are female :) There are others just as good, maybe even better, go find one :) I know when you're still hurting, thats the last thing you feel like doing, but just having the thought that she isnt the only cool chick in town will help you go in that direction
 
My wife is mad about something and is playing her silent game. She can do this for hours, days if necessary.
I´m also a good gamer so to speak, but would have liked to be friends again.
should I play the fool and get back to her arms. Or continue on her game until she falls back to me??
 
Matt, Perhaps you don't need to give up but just let go for a while. Things seem to work their way out this way, since she is not willing right now. Sometimes distance is needed for both people. Trying to make it work again might just push her away even further.
Who knows? Maybe send her flowers in a few months… if you are still interested. Maybe she will come back to you first, maybe you won't be interested anymore in her… Just give it time … for reflection, much can be discovered in this space, about her 'and' you. Much can be revealed in letting go.
Sometimes doing nothing in these situations as hard as it is will be the best outcomes.
 
Erikmen said:
There might have been no signs that you could not read. But they were most definitely there imo.
Does she still love you? for real I mean..
If you don´t know straight away that´s no..
Still she can go back to you.
Click to expand...

Nope...no signs at all because she hid them from me. She internalized everything and though it was her problem to work out on her own. She did everything she could to keep it from me. Said she didn't want to hurt me when she wasn't sure....so she kept it from me and crushed me like a tone of bricks.

I tell you all was well until we went a week without sex. We had gone that long before...no dig deal. The another week and no sex...OK something is wrong but I don't know what...the the very next day she launched the nuke.

I wish their was more to it than that but their isn't. I was kept in the dark until zero hour.
 
I´m sorry to hear that Matt.
Take care of your self stem now.
Let her go internally for a while..
 
Journyman16 said:
My sympathies - relationships can hurt like hell.

Everyone has reasons for what they do - what ones did she give you? (not asking you to post them, just think them through) Are they valid?

I'm not saying it is the case here, but often people who do the sinning are the ones who accuse - more often than you'd believe. It's like they commit the damaging act or betrayal and then have to bring the person to whom they did it down low so their betrayal or damage isn't so bad. It's clearly not as bad to hurt a scumbag as it is to hurt someone who is innocent and has only good things going on, so they attempt to make the innocent one into a scumbag.

Another aspect of that is people who make accusations are almost always guilty of those exact things. I've seen people accused of stealing and even lose their job because of it and it turned out the thief was the person doing the accusing.

Fighting for your jewel is one thing; fighting for a diamond that is really a piece of glass is a totally different thing and not worth what it will do to you.
Click to expand...

The reasons she gave me were she didn't love me anymore and she wanted to try out life on her own...the reasons I got second had were far more harsh. She wanted me to be more like her dad!?! What the fuck dose that mean? The rest were what i concider default answers. Answers she thought were common enough to close the topic with who ever was asking...I was too immature for her. We never talked. We never saw eachother. We grew apart....ect

I have reduttles for all but I don't want to get in to that. This is not about what went wrong. I don't want to point fingers. I took time away from her to really look at life and what I want and what I want is her...even if she doesn't want me...I have to try.
 
llama112 said:
I'm very sorry.

You have only stopped contacting her three months ago. Give it a few months. Let her be without you for a while.

Did she say why? If so, think about how you could change things.
Click to expand...

Its really only been 3 weeks of no contact at all. She has my dogs because I have no place for them right now. I was going over there every week or so to take them to the park.

But I took the advice of a friend and stopped contacting her at all. To let things cool down. Its been harder than any task I ever took on.

I know where I can improve myself and have a plan of action if we were to get back together but I am only one side of the story. I wish I had some advocate that had her ear to talk me up to her or something.
 
This is a phase most of us goes through.
It sucks. You feel super bad, but with time in due course, you´ll be fine..
 
herbavore said:
Love is a mysterious thing and being in love is even more mysterious. Why do we fall out of love? It usually has nothing to do with the object of our love but with our own needs and unconscious desires. Your wife may only half understand her own motivations. It can be hard to believe in anything when this happens but try to let yourself grieve the loss without letting it undermine your sense of self (hardest thing in the world IMO).

People demand a lot out of a partner that is unrealistic--like making them happy. No one is responsible for your happiness but you. If two people that understand that get together things usually go smoother whether the relationship endures or not.
Click to expand...

I am an extremely logical person. I preform poorly when I run up against the irrational...both on my side and hers...am I being irrational? It is an absolute certanty...but I love is irratoial to begin with.

Your words hit home though...I don't think she really knows the reasons either. Its either that or the 13 years we spent together meant so little to her that I don't deserve an explanation...that is something I am unwilling to accept
 
matt2012 said:
Your words hit home though...I don't think she really knows the reasons either. Its either that or the 13 years we spent together meant so little to her that I don't deserve an explanation...that is something I am unwilling to accept
Click to expand...
When you spend such a long time with someone it can be harsh when they break up with you in a way that doesn't seem respectful of the time you spent together. As for no fighting, did you two fight in the past with each other? The reason I ask is because usually when a couple stops fighting that is when things are done for the time being. It literally just gets to a point where there isn't anything to fight for. But I wouldn't give up because I did break up with someone similar to how your wife did and although I felt terrible about it, it was the only thing I knew to do at the time to begin to be happy again. Sometimes it really doe stake some time apart to figure out how to be happy. It might not even be entirely about you if she is dealing with depression. Maybe, if you guys are both open to therapy that could help because regardless of whether you stay together or not it is usually best to sort feelings out in the event you do get a divorce.
 
BZboo said:
When you spend such a long time with someone it can be harsh when they break up with you in a way that doesn't seem respectful of the time you spent together. As for no fighting, did you two fight in the past with each other? The reason I ask is because usually when a couple stops fighting that is when things are done for the time being. It literally just gets to a point where there isn't anything to fight for. But I wouldn't give up because I did break up with someone similar to how your wife did and although I felt terrible about it, it was the only thing I knew to do at the time to begin to be happy again. Sometimes it really doe stake some time apart to figure out how to be happy. It might not even be entirely about you if she is dealing with depression. Maybe, if you guys are both open to therapy that could help because regardless of whether you stay together or not it is usually best to sort feelings out in the event you do get a divorce.
Click to expand...

We never faught about anything. I can count on one hand the times we even raised our voices to eachother. There really was no reason for fights ever in our relationship.

I used to think that it was because we were just that compatible. Now I am coming to believe that she would just cave to me to avoid a confrontation.

The first suggestion that came out of my mouth was counsoling. Her mom's first suggestion was counsoling. Her best friend suggested it. My mom talked to her and asked her to concider counsoling....she shot everyone down. Logically, if all these people that you love and respect say you should try counseling, don't you think it might be a good idea? Her answer was that she didn't love me and counseling wouldn't change that.
 
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