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Been a terrible year -- broke and have nothing

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speeder37

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Joined
May 2, 2013
Messages
16
been a terrible year in part by abuse of psyc medications -- Adderall, Clonozepam, Gabapentin, OTC stuff like Cough Medicine for the DXM, and other stuff bought from the street. I even have a court case and spent a week in county jail accused of credit card & identity fraud. My lawyer knows about my problems (or abuse) of these medications that psyc prescribed... but right now I have nothing literally. No job only a seasonal helper position for UPS which ends right before christmas.. The police executed a search warrant and took much of my stuff my apartment, had to post $2500 cash bail or would still be in the county jail today.... Anyone ever get into trouble like this??? I feel like I can't start over, I am 39.. many in the jail were in their early 20's so they have time to clean up but it is much harder when you are older
 
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speeder37 said:
been a terrible year in part by abuse of psyc medications -- Adderall, Clonozepam, Gabapentin, OTC stuff like Cough Medicine for the DXM, and other stuff bought from the street. I even have a court case and spent a week in county jail accused of credit card & identity fraud. My lawyer knows about my problems (or abuse) of these medications that psyc prescribed... but right now I have nothing literally. No job only a seasonal helper position for UPS which ends right before christmas.. The police executed a search warrant and took much of my stuff my apartment, had to post $2500 cash bail or would still be in the county jail today.... Anyone ever get into trouble like this??? I feel like I can't start over, I am 39.. many in the jail were in their early 20's so they have time to clean up but it is much harder when you are older
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I know what you are going thru, Im 40 yrs old, use heroin daily, really have only managed to go maybe 3-4 days without using for as far back as I can remember, of course it all started with pain mgt, which I was at for over 12 yrs, each month, getting my opiates legally and cheaply (was scripted methadone for back pain), but of course, abused it every fucking month, and when I ran out 2 weeks early each month, I knew I could wait about 3 days (to get the methadone half life out of my system), then I would go get junk until I could get my script filled again, rinse and repeat every month for years! Until a surprise drug test at the pain mgt office, they found morphine...and I was discharged, this was back in Sept, ever since then, Ive been using heroin almost daily, every other day here and there.

Ive sold about everything of value I have to get more dope the past couple months, having a hard time keeping my job, have to make up excuses for the days Im out or havent copped yet, and can barely get out of bed, the w/ds are soooo fucking horrible, only time I can really work and function is when I have a good supply of dope and I know I have enough to use when I get home, the following morning, etc.

Thankfully Ive avoided major legal problems, only had one close call when I was meeting my connection in a local parking lot, luckily my guy sent his girlfriend, and we both told the cop the same story, made it seem like we were having an affair, meeting in secret, etc. little did the cop know I had 2grams sitting right inside my cig pack, right on the passenger seat! I thank god it was NOT a K9 unit! LOL

But on the other hand, I know if I keep using like I am, eventually a time will come when I cant come up with ANY money, or anything to turn into cash, in order to get more dope, and fear what lengths I may go to if Im really desperate.

I think I could get clean if my body/ mind did not have to go thru such fucking EXTREME withdrawls...I mean, it would be a different story if I knew each passing day would get better and better the longer I went without using, but fuck, its the exact opposite!!! Each day gets fucking worse and worse, and it lasts SOOO damn long, weeks, months, etc!! Plus, you cant really expect to sleep much at all, so it makes it that much more terrible, cant even get any relief when sleeping with going thru opiate withdrawl...its like your body/mind make make it SOOOO fucking unbearable, its nearly impossible to get 100% clean!! I FUCKING HATE how our minds/ bodies deal with sudden opiate withdrawl...its almost like our minds and bodies go out of their way to make it as absolutely terrible as possible, If it got better with each passing day, I could beat this shit no problem, but NO, thats way too much to ask for!! LOL

This chick I was dating few years back, she was 22, I was 35 at the time, back then, she was using, selling roxi 15s/30s, opana, oxys, etc. I dated her for awhile and even after we broke up, I would cop from her here and there, and still do cop junk from her from time to time, when we were dating and hanging out every day, of course I also hung out and met alot of her friends, who were also in their early 20s, I kinda felt like the 'odd man out' being so much older, but at the time, I loved it, I was in my mid 30s, and getting regular 22 yr old pussy!!! LOVED IT, loved the drug use, all her equally hot friends, drugs just made the parties that much better, but today alot of her friends are major addicts, just like myself, In a way, I think it may be easier on them to being going thru this shit at their age, as I know, at 40 yrs old, its FUCKING tough, cant imagine what it will be like in another 10, 20 year either..I DO NOT look forward to turning 50 and being as much of a junkie as I am right now!
 
i am sorry to hear what you are going through. this has not been an easy year for me either.

however, the good thing is that you want to change. that cliche "if there's a will there's a way" always rings true to me. don't worry about your ages -- it doesn't matter which age you are, what you look like, where you have been, etc. what matters is that you want to move forward. i have been through so much shit this year that has been out of my control, but i have come to realize that the more i look forward and not backwards, the happier i am. i also see a therapist and psychiatrist to help, which i recommend if you guys don't have one already.

keep us update and let us know how y'all are doing <3
 
Not good. I am unemployed and pretty much lost everything... It ended with getting arrested in October on charges of Credit card & identity fraud and possession of Class B substances. I finished the Clonazepam early like I usually have. When I was in the jail they put me on a detox regimen which lasted a week. When I got out, I found an extra bottle and have doubled or tripled doses. Now I feel like I am having panic attacks, can't think straight....
 
I know your pain man. Especially when it comes to benzos. No doctor will prescribe me them but I make sure to find them whenever I can and have been taking them illegally almost daily for the last year.. Sucks though because no one has shit right now and I've been out and w/ding for the last few days. I've Been off and on drugs since high school. This last year after my fiance left me in january I relapsed and have been abusing anything i can get my hands on since. I just this last week tried IV meth and IV heroin(only done meth a few times previously and never had tried heroin but found both this week and decided fuck it... I'm gonna try shooting shit and might as well shoot both in the same week. I bruised one of my veins pretty badly trying to shoot up with virtually no experience. I'm over 3000 in debt, no job and have been abusing regularly. I smoke weed daily and have abusing anything i can get my hands on from opiates, stims, whatever you can think of. Just this year I've OD'd 4 times. 3 times from downers... Once from adderall and coke. My family life is in ruins.. All.my good friends are gone replaced with druggies.. And couch surfing. Making money by either doing sexual favors, selling shit or borrowing money... . I have no job, no money and worst of all just came down after shooting ice for an entire night. Didn't sleep for 2 days after last dose... Used the last of my ativan, weed, seroquel and hydroxyzine to come down. Finally woke up today. Have no money, no bud, no alcohol, no drugs. And have messaged over 30+ people to find anything.. Literally anything besides weed. (Since weed and alcohol kinda suck balls and don't do it for me anymore).. I keep telling myself I'll quit when this new year comes up but I don't know how I'll survive. Sobriety is just miserable. The worst. I wish I had never done drugs to begin with.

They say it gets better though right? Never did for me but I only stayed sober for roughly a year. I replaced drugs and booze with food though and gained weight like crazy and tried all these other stupid psych meds that don't work (since all that really seem to do shit for me are the bad ones lol (benzos and stims) ... My doctor won't prescribe me benzos because i stupidly admitted to being an addict so they won't give me shit. All the osyvh meds and replacing drugs with food did was make me develop bulimia. Now I don't purge much but only because of drugs. I don't cut either if I have drugs.

I just don't know how anyone finds a happy life after drugs. I've tried and have never slammed till recently and only recently tried h and meth.. And I think that qualifies as a rock bottom for some. I'm not an addict to any particular substance.. But I am addicted to bring high if that makes sense. I hope others keep responding so they can help people like me and the OP get out of this shit.
 
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camjua said:
I know your pain man. Especially when it comes to benzos. No doctor will prescribe me them but I make sure to find them whenever I can and have been taking them illegally almost daily for the last year.. Sucks though because no one has shit right now and I've been out and w/ding for the last few days. I've Been off and on drugs since high school. This last year after my fiance left me in january I relapsed and have been abusing anything i can get my hands on since. I just this last week tried IV meth and IV heroin(only done meth a few times previously and never had tried heroin but found both this week and decided fuck it... I'm gonna try shooting shit and might as well shoot both in the same week. I bruised one of my veins pretty badly trying to shoot up with virtually no experience. I'm over 3000 in debt, no job and have been abusing regularly. I smoke weed daily and have abusing anything i can get my hands on from opiates, stims, whatever you can think of. Just this year I've OD'd 4 times. 3 times from downers... Once from adderall and coke. My family life is in ruins.. All.my good friends are gone replaced with druggies.. And couch surfing. Making money by either doing sexual favors, selling shit or borrowing money... . I have no job, no money and worst of all just came down after shooting ice for an entire night. Didn't sleep for 2 days after last dose... Used the last of my ativan, weed, seroquel and hydroxyzine to come down. Finally woke up today. Have no money, no bud, no alcohol, no drugs. And have messaged over 30+ people to find anything.. Literally anything besides weed. (Since weed and alcohol kinda suck balls and don't do it for me anymore).. I keep telling myself I'll quit when this new year comes up but I don't know how I'll survive. Sobriety is just miserable. The worst. I wish I had never done drugs to begin with.

They say it gets better though right? Never did for me but I only stayed sober for roughly a year. I replaced drugs and booze with food though and gained weight like crazy and tried all these other stupid psych meds that don't work (since all that really seem to do shit for me are the bad ones lol (benzos and stims) ... My doctor won't prescribe me benzos because i stupidly admitted to being an addict so they won't give me shit. All the osyvh meds and replacing drugs with food did was make me develop bulimia. Now I don't purge much but only because of drugs. I don't cut either if I have drugs.

I just don't know how anyone finds a happy life after drugs. I've tried and have never slammed till recently and only recently tried h and meth.. And I think that qualifies as a rock bottom for some. I'm not an addict to any particular substance.. But I am addicted to bring high if that makes sense. I hope others keep responding so they can help people like me and the OP get out of this shit.
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Dude don't feel bad. I'm 30000 $ in debt
.
 
This year is just like every other year. Struggling to get through the day without topping myself even though ive nothing real stressful like court appearances and the threat of jail like previous years. Money is tight as usual since i havent had a job in nearly 10 years, but ive got a roof over my head so I guess thats something to be thankful for

Family life is pretty good and im not using as much heroin and benzos as I used to but life is still shit, my demons are still eating me up inside, like they have my entire life. Ive just accepted that ill be struggling with my demons till the day I die...hopefully I wont be waiting that long to exit this hellhole they call life
 
Wow camjua and FEDO I know what you guys mean about sobriety being akin to never eating or drinking again. It's a
severe dependency and it's taken me a lot of practice to be sober but I will tell you this. The periods of sobriety I had, 3 months, 4 months, 6 months, I owe to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And they were genuinely happy times in my life. But I relapsed, IV heroin is bad news it's fucked my life pretty bad and robbed me of being able to enjoy life on life terms and get to really know myself.

I believe that this is a progressive disease and we can all go down the rabbit hole and chase the high through our 30s, 40s, 50s, etc. But you don't have to, sobriety is something I use to hate until I gave it s chance and experienced the little beautiful things of life I had been missing out on. It offers peace, better health, real friends and better relationships. And most importantly it offers you the best future possible.

Still knowing that, drugs are cunning. And let's face it, they feel amazing and are fun and very pleasurable. Learning sobriety is like learning how to live in a constant state of misery one day at a time but if you stick with it things change in yourself, around you, and your perspective changes.

I would just encourage anyone to never ever knock sobriety unless you've tried it and decided that you prefer poison (drugs) and a beverage that's poison (alcohol). Being sober means you can do fucking anything, but u just can't drink and use anymore. There's a lot of life and great fun to be had and I've had awesome times sober that's why I'm picking myself up from a bad relapse and trying again.

It's painful, its shitty, it's not fair, but I am an addict and have to make a choice for myself what kind of life and future I want for myself. I wasn't really all that happy binge drinking and being up al night crashing on stims and feeling fear unless I have drugs. Fuck that 24/7 chasing the high needing a fix lifestyle. I won't stop trying to find permanent sobriety because I've had enough moments of clarity to see where drugs lead people.

That's not where I want to be headed. My sympathies are with you.
 
^ I wish I had the same positive attitude as you get2. I honestly dont think id be any happier if id never tried drugs and lead a clean and sober life. For as long as I can remember ive had anxiety and nervousness in social settings, depression then came about in my late teens and that was before I tried opiates and benzos.

I see what youre saying but life isnt always better being sober. I still think my depression is not cos of me being an addict, my brains just not wired properly

But then again, maybe if I hadnt taken huge amounts of alcohol, mdma, stims, weed and psychedelics as a teen I might have done well in school, gotten a career and maybe, just maybe I wouldnt have developed this horrible clinical depression. Bcos there are millions out there with anxiety that never develop depression

Ah well, guess ill never know what could have been...coulda, woulda, shoulda eh?
 
Your right sobriety isn't always better, a lot of times it's boring and uncomfortable. But when I practiced at it and it started to become the norm I noticed my mood was overall better and I felt hopeful and had a lot of confidence and newfound happiness and freedom.

As far as mental illness, sometimes there needs to be some experimentation to find a healthy formula for you/me/addicts.

I don't blame anyone for choosing self
Medication over sobriety. It is a personal decision we all must make and I could tell I liked the sober me, people liked the sober me, and it works for me so I'm gonna fucking fight for it.
 
Here is something I notice: people tend to have very high expectations for life. Life has moments of joy, moments of happiness, moments of peace, moments of serenity. Sometimes, due to outside circumstances those moments come together a lot more--like being in love, being on an adventure, being on vacation from responsibilities. But life also has moments of terror, boredom, angst, anger, frustration, loneliness and pain. Certain circumstances create more of these. If the expectation of sober life is that it will be happy and carefree, then you will surely blame sobriety for the lack. Life is difficult and messy and never, ever only one way. Even love that feels so good has a dark side to it. Even loneliness that can feel so bad has a rich side to it. I just think my ability to choose a life that gives me more of the circumstances that tend to create feelings of satisfaction and serenity is in better working order without 'medications' (prescribed or my own) clouding the atmosphere.:\

P.S. To you youngsters that are forty something: it gets better and you get stronger. Don't let the youth worshiping culture get under your skin. Change involves risk and taking risks is a good practice to hone for all your life at any age.
 
Yea it has been a terrible year for me too, Speeder. I'm also broke and have nothing. However, the bright side is that I was consciously trying to improve, and failing the whole year so I've learned a lot. Also being in a terrible situation forces you to not only master the system as far as improving your situation, but also forces you to deal with adversity. Now I have to do my heart surgery, but I should have at least 4 months or so of 2015. So by the end of 2015 and into 2016 I should have a good year and have money and be able to meet my basic needs.
 
herbavore said:
Here is something I notice: people tend to have very high expectations for life. Life has moments of joy, moments of happiness, moments of peace, moments of serenity. Sometimes, due to outside circumstances those moments come together a lot more--like being in love, being on an adventure, being on vacation from responsibilities. But life also has moments of terror, boredom, angst, anger, frustration, loneliness and pain. Certain circumstances create more of these. If the expectation of sober life is that it will be happy and carefree, then you will surely blame sobriety for the lack. Life is difficult and messy and never, ever only one way. Even love that feels so good has a dark side to it. Even loneliness that can feel so bad has a rich side to it. I just think my ability to choose a life that gives me more of the circumstances that tend to create feelings of satisfaction and serenity is in better working order without 'medications' (prescribed or my own) clouding the atmosphere.:\

P.S. To you youngsters that are forty something: it gets better and you get stronger. Don't let the youth worshiping culture get under your skin. Change involves risk and taking risks is a good practice to hone for all your life at any age.
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^this
to you teenage youngsters lol
 
Not exactly a teenager lol. I'm 25. But yeah I've been freaking out thinking about the fact I made some risky ass decisions this year (promiscuous sex and sharing needles) so I'm just hoping that its just my mental health that's fucked not my physical too. Though I had a heart attack at 23 from an overdose and my liver enzymes are higher than Stephen Hawking's IQ so I can't say I've walked away unscarred.
 
^
High liver enzymes are a sign of inflamation of liver. Drug use alone can most cetainly cause that. Other things can also cause too.
Next time you get a chance to see a doc get a hep c panel.
You can get control of your life.
Dam I know that's easy to say. I wish I could give you a glimpse of feeling good again.
I've been where you're at. Did my "tour of duty".
Even won a battle with hep c.
Somehow I have made it "back home" and I am healthier than I have been in a long time.
Slow and steady wins the race. The war of addiction is won by winning the tiny battles.
Doing one right thing, getting a positive result,
and then doing the next right thing.
You're currently in a routine. You need a different routine. Do you have physical wds if you dont use? If so, you got to start with dealing with that before you attempt to fix your mental well being.
 
Only withdrawals I am experience so far are from nicotine, weed and benzos. I'm currently out of benzos and suffering a lot as a result. But I luckily have never had a steady supply of opiates. In the last month I tried meth and heroin but lost both connects lol. Thank goodness. If I don't smoke weed I get very agitated and depressed. Then again that could be the benzos too. Who knows. I've abused so many drugs in the last year and had so many different binges... That I dunno what I'm withdrawing from anymore.
 
camjua said:
Only withdrawals I am experience so far are from nicotine, weed and benzos. I'm currently out of benzos and suffering a lot as a result. But I luckily have never had a steady supply of opiates. In the last month I tried meth and heroin but lost both connects lol. Thank goodness. If I don't smoke weed I get very agitated and depressed. Then again that could be the benzos too. Who knows. I've abused so many drugs in the last year and had so many different binges... That I dunno what I'm withdrawing from anymore.
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Drugs can mask so many underlying issues that we dont wont to deal with. Sometimes we're not even aware of them. They can be what keeps you sick.
Sounds like depression is really hard for you to deal with. Its probably your enviroment but could be something else. If you dont know why you're depressed it can be extremly frustrating because you dont how to fix something you cant identify.
Covering up depression with drugs works somewhat for a while, but when the drug wears off it seems to get worse. Viscous cycle. I feel for ya.
I never would take anti depressants so I cant speak if they would or would not help.
I often wonder if they would have helped me or hurt me in the long run.
 
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