Interested in close friend. What to do?

[ATLL765]

Ok, so I have a bad habit of becoming interested in girls who I'm friends with. It's a terrible way to do things as it leaves me in a position where being direct and forward about things may cause collateral damage. It also means I'm "friendzoned" by the time I care to be more than friends. I have this friend, we've known each other for about 10 years, but have only been friends over the past 6 years or so after I spent a night at her place with an ex gf and we discovered that my ex had lied constantly about things. That's another story though...

So my issue is how to approach the topic without making things weird. We're pretty good friends, we text frequently, hang out every once and a while and feel comfortable talking about any topic. I'd rather not make things awkward and have her pull back on what she's willing to say or talk about. I don't think it'd ruin the friendship, but it would definitely damage our ability to converse openly. She's also currently in a long term relationship.

Anyways, the last time we hung out was Thanksgiving. She had mentioned that she didn't even have money for gas to get work that week so she wasn't going anywhere for the holiday. My family wasn't hosting for the first time in forever, so I figure I'd buy the supplies, loan her $30 for gas and have Thanksgiving at her place. She thought that would be nice and it was. I figure that having a holiday dinner with a male friend isn't exactly the most common thing for someone to do while in a relationship, despite the fact that he's surely aware that we've been friends for a while.

While cooking dinner, she was talking about what's going on in her life and mentioned that she was frustrated with her bf as they've been dating for a while, but he seems to be averse to making any commitments. Not that I'm any different from that guy, but I say that she either needs to be comfortable waiting for him to come around or decide that it's not worth waiting and dump him. She replies that while she might be inclined to dump him, she really doesn't want to be alone(who does?). She also mentioned at one point that if nothing else was working for us by the time we turn 30, that we should just get married. She was likely joking to a degree, but I was already 4 bags of dope, 4 beers and half a bottle of wine deep, so I'm not sure how much truth, if any, was behind that statement.

At this point what do I do? Next week we're going to a sporting event together. Do I say something with the thought that if she knew that there was someone else interested in dating her that she'd be more willing to dump her current bf? Will that just make things weird?(Probably) Am I crazy and over analyzing things?(Yes) Or should I just do what I normally do when at a sporting event and just get fucking hammered and yell obscenities at the refs?(Definitely this one)

 

[Bearlove]

She's in a long term relationship. You say this guy is no different to you, so your afraid of commitment also? When you go out with her is there any spark between the pair of you or are you just close friends?

Sounds like you would lose a good friend on the off chance of gaining nothing?

 

[ATLL765]

She's in a long term relationship. You say this guy is no different to you, so your afraid of commitment also? When you go out with her is there any spark between the pair of you or are you just close friends?

Sounds like you would lose a good friend on the off chance of gaining nothing?

Is there anyone that's not afraid of commitment? Shit is scary. It either ends well or very badly, no in between after commitments are made. That's not to say I'm totally averse to it.

Asking me if there is a spark between her and I is like asking a blind man what the Mona Lisa looks like. I'm fucking clueless when it comes to this shit. The only relationships I've had were ones that fell into my lap, no pun intended. I'm not sure if it's that I don't see it or if I just spend so much time trying to analyze if there instead of just acting on it.

We don't live that close, so we don't see each other that often, but our friendship isn't like one's I've had with other women, not that I've had many female friends. There's no filter when we talk and we text each other at least 2-3 times per week. I was the one who brought up the idea of coming over for Thanksgiving, but this was after she said she hated being alone on a holiday and that she didn't have the money to drive to see her family. Either way, I still thought it to be a bit odd that she'd be ok with spending the holiday alone with me. If I had a gf who spent a holiday alone with some other dude, I'd be kinda pissed. I'd also have made sure my gf spent the holiday with me if she had nowhere to go, but that's a not the topic at hand.

As far as losing a good friend. We've been friends for a while and as odd as it might seem, I really don't think that if I said I was interested that it would ruin our friendship so long as I don't go totally nuts and go on about how she's the only one or some crazy shit like that. That isn't the case anyways. If I were to be rejected, it certainly would change things a bit, as I believe she would censor herself as to not make me feel worse, but I think that we would still remain friends.

 

[samnslumberland]

I think that the safest way to go about relaying your feelings to her would be to "jokingly" tell her that she wouldn't be alone because she would have you, if the topic of her breaking up with her boyfriend and the fear of being alone comes up again. I think that laying your feelings out on the table for her at this point of time would be a poor decision and could potentially push her away. If the girl is doubting her relationship because her boyfriend isn't wanting to commit to her, she's probably not in the best head space right now. I recommend that you continue doing what you're doing now, supporting her and giving her uncomplicated male companionship.

 

[ATLL765]

Not quite what I wanted to hear, but that's probably the safest way to go. Just depressing that I'll be 25 in a few months and I've only managed 2 relationships in the past 5 years. One of which was only 6 months long and the other was the biggest clusterfuck disaster the world has ever seen, lol.

Not to mention an ex messaged me on fbook the other day and I'm really trying to resist the urge to see her just for sex because she fun and all, but she's not very smart and I can't have an intelligent conversation with her about anything which is a big turn off. She's definitely still really into me though...ugh....trying not to be total bastard, but so hard to say no when it's been a while....

It also doesn't help that I live in a podunk middle of nowhere town where the only place to go is one of the 3 shitty bars around town where you can see all the people you never liked in high school. What joy! I seriously like at least 15 miles from the nearest fucking movie theater. There isn't even a god damn bowling alley in this shithole of a town. Pretty sure that's fucking unamerican, ya know? Where in the fuck am I supposed to meet people around here?

 

[Two06]

I think its best not to talk about it... just pick a time that seems "spontaneous" and make your move. Alcohol would probably help. After you've banged her then you can talk about where it goes from there.

 

[ATLL765]

I think its best not to talk about it... just pick a time that seems "spontaneous" and make your move. Alcohol would probably help. After you've banged her then you can talk about where it goes from there.

That's definitely not going to work, but I wish it would. I'm definitely planning on getting hammered next week when I see her since I'll have just gotten paid and I'm planning on getting to Newark early so we can eat dinner and hang out at the bar so I don't want to kill myself for spending too much on beer inside @$9 a pop even though I can never resist it once I'm already drunk. Nothing like spending double what you did on the ticket for beer, lmao.

Knowing her pretty well, I think I can safely say that she's not the type to cheat. My only chance is her breaking up with her bf due to the knowledge that she would not have to be alone after doing so, though hopping straight out of a LTR into a new relationship has it's own issues, but that's what I like to call a "later problem".

I also would probably just end up vomiting all over myself due to anxiety if I ever tried to spontaneously make a move on a girl. I'm far too timid in these situations. Every girl I've been with has made the first move on me, which is probably half the reason why I don't have much luck with women. Though the few(read: one) time that I did, it backfired pretty badly. She was a jerk though.

 

[P.o.T.u.S]

Just be straight up.if u are as good of friends as u say u are she prolly already has thought about the possibility of u two being together.tell her how u feel and just be respectful of her current relationship and give her space after to think it over.thats the safest way if u want to keep the friendship together.if she says no it will be awkward for a little bit but remember its all in your head and it will pass.Good luck %)

 

[ATLL765]

Just be straight up.if u are as good of friends as u say u are she prolly already has thought about the possibility of u two being together.tell her how u feel and just be respectful of her current relationship and give her space after to think it over.thats the safest way if u want to keep the friendship together.if she says no it will be awkward for a little bit but remember its all in your head and it will pass.Good luck %)

So much conflicting advice. Don't you guys have like a step by step foolproof plan to get any girl? What good are you bums? lol.

Despite being fairly different in our views on life, her leaning to the right politically and being a practicing catholic and me being an atheist and leaning more towards the left, we have pretty similar personalities, both suffering from anxiety and having childhood abuse. As such we relate really well to each other and feel comfortable talking very openly about anything.

Like I said in my first post, last time I saw her she mentioned how we should get together if all else was failing by age 30, which is about 6 years from now, as we both know we can tolerate each other fairly well and that's half the battle, right? Although I was quite intoxicated at that point, I think there may have been something more than humor to that. So I imagine the possibility of us being together has crossed her mind as there's only so many people out there that you can tolerate on a day to day basis without them really getting on your nerves.

One issue is how do I time this? I'm gonna be the one driving so I'll have to stop drinking at some point. Makes it hard to time the honesty with my peak level of intoxication without risking a very awkward rest of the evening...

Oh, who am I kidding. Far as I get will be a few words into saying what I want to before chickening out prior to saying anything truly meaningful. Then it's back to my lonely existence and kicking myself for never taking a chance on anything.

 

[Bearlove]

If you know that you asking the question will not ruin your friendship, what you waiting for :D

She has already jokingly done the 'backup wedding' joke (by the time your both 30), play on that a couple of times - when your together just drop the 'are we 30 yet'? Bear in mind that she is looking for commitment and this is what is wrong with her current relationship, If it scares you that much - then maybe this person isn't the one for you?

You say that there are no barriers between the pair of you, has she never asked you 'what do you look for in a Girlfriend' - why not turn the conversation casually into your ex contacting you - tell your friend your tired of being by yourself and you wish you could meet somebody more like her. Point out her good attributes and qualities (as you see them), tell her what qualities she has that you would love in a partner (everyone likes compliments and this way, if she is interested or if she thinks that your interested you have sort of left it open for discussion).

When you know that your friendship is not at risk and that she is not happy in her current relationship - what have you got to lose with some flirting. Even if she doesn't take you up on it, you will have given her confidence a really good boost and made her feel good about herself.

Bear

 

[ATLL765]

If you know that you asking the question will not ruin your friendship, what you waiting for :D

She has already jokingly done the 'backup wedding' joke (by the time your both 30), play on that a couple of times - when your together just drop the 'are we 30 yet'? Bear in mind that she is looking for commitment and this is what is wrong with her current relationship, If it scares you that much - then maybe this person isn't the one for you?

You say that there are no barriers between the pair of you, has she never asked you 'what do you look for in a Girlfriend' - why not turn the conversation casually into your ex contacting you - tell your friend your tired of being by yourself and you wish you could meet somebody more like her. Point out her good attributes and qualities (as you see them), tell her what qualities she has that you would love in a partner (everyone likes compliments and this way, if she is interested or if she thinks that your interested you have sort of left it open for discussion).

When you know that your friendship is not at risk and that she is not happy in her current relationship - what have you got to lose with some flirting. Even if she doesn't take you up on it, you will have given her confidence a really good boost and made her feel good about herself.

Bear

Well, crippling anxiety and confidence that is nowhere to be found usually prevents me from doing anything. Thus why I return to situations with little to no risk like with my ex that contacted me that is basically a 100% sure thing. I'm not interested in anything serious with her though, but she does want to be serious so I really don't want to just take advantage of that. The last girl I dated was also a low risk situation where she needed a place to stay, I had only one bed and no couch, so if she agreed to stay, it made it fairly clear what would happen. You get the picture here.

I also got burned real bad by one girl a couple years ago who I was close friends with that ended up in prison for a bit. We wrote back and forth nearly every week and I thought I was reading things as she was interested, but then she just cut off contact when she got out. That one really stung and left me thinking was I perceiving a totally different reality than her or what? It seemed there was no way she didn't realize I was interested, probably even before she went to prison and that there was no way that she could think the things she said wouldn't have me thinking she was too, but then why just fall off the face of the Earth? That one made no sense whatsoever and it'll always bother me a bit to not know why she acted that way.

This leaves me with the fear that I'm reading this situation wrong in that she'd still be my friend.

This year was really bad for me. My best friend and I were roommates, but that ended in a less than amicable way. We don't speak anymore. I had another good friend that I wanted to date, we did for a minute, that went about as badly as one could possibly imagine and was a major reason I started using again after 2 years clean. We also don't speak now. Basically this leaves me with no one who I feel comfortable talking to about things that are going on in my life. I have a couple friends, but they don't understand what goes on in my mind the way the friend I'm talking about here does. So to lose that outlet would be devastating after all that's happened this year. I've already lost 2 of my 3 closest friends, losing the 3rd would really sting.

I'm hoping that if I get drunk enough, something will just slip out and if things don't go well, I can blame it on being wasted. Genius plan, right?

 

[Bearlove]

Don't get hung up on your ex's, I know that some can really sting leaving you thinking wtf but if it's out of your control don't dwell on it (only beating yourself up in a situation you have no control or say on the matter).

Based on the few bad relationships you have just gone through - could you not be looking into your friendship in a skewed way? Do you really have feelings for this friend or are you just confused about the previous ones and looking for somebody to maybe tell you that your really a good person (I don't mean that in a negative way at all and it's not a put down). You have said that your not that quick when it comes to seeing the spark or when somebody is romantically attracted to you and given your last few relationships it doesn't sound that you have had to show that much initiative to get things started (romatic gestures, flirting etc).

Alcohol (or MDMA) etc could make you both open up about what your feeling and if it goes wrong, blame the drink/drug and have a laugh about it. If I was in your position I would slowly open up to your friend - even just a random txt, hows your day going, saw / heard such and such today made me think of you, just small things (but personal).

If she is not interested at least your making those connections with your feelings and how to portray them to others?

Bear

 

[ATLL765]

Don't get hung up on your ex's, I know that some can really sting leaving you thinking wtf but if it's out of your control don't dwell on it (only beating yourself up in a situation you have no control or say on the matter).

Based on the few bad relationships you have just gone through - could you not be looking into your friendship in a skewed way? Do you really have feelings for this friend or are you just confused about the previous ones and looking for somebody to maybe tell you that your really a good person (I don't mean that in a negative way at all and it's not a put down). You have said that your not that quick when it comes to seeing the spark or when somebody is romantically attracted to you and given your last few relationships it doesn't sound that you have had to show that much initiative to get things started (romatic gestures, flirting etc).

Alcohol (or MDMA) etc could make you both open up about what your feeling and if it goes wrong, blame the drink/drug and have a laugh about it. If I was in your position I would slowly open up to your friend - even just a random txt, hows your day going, saw / heard such and such today made me think of you, just small things (but personal).

If she is not interested at least your making those connections with your feelings and how to portray them to others?

Bear

I mean, we already text nearly every day asking how each other's day is going, etc, so upping the amount of contact would likely be overbearing. There's really no taking the friendship to any other level besides becoming romantically involved. We're already very good friends as it is. I definitely know what you're saying about seeing things in a skewed way and that's what I worry about. I can tend to over analyze things, spending far too much time wondering what something someone said meant or didn't mean. Definitely having someone to pump my tires a bit would be nice, but she already does that as we'll talk about the issues we're going through at any given time and be supportive.

As for not showing initiative, I don't know what else to do. I'm a totally risk averse person because rejection usually means I'm left with absolutely no prospects for a relationship since it's not the case where I live that there's a ton of other girls around. My town sucks ass, bad, I fucking hate this place. There is literally nowhere to go where other people my age will congregate besides the bar and the bars around here are fucking lame. This all means a small number of opportunities for relationships present themselves to me. This is why I always end up waiting for the girl to initiate because until that point, even if it never comes, at least there's still the perception of opportunity, but of course that leaves me with very limited opportunities to be with someone that is truly compatible.

I just don't want to make things awkward because she has a boyfriend and I'd rather she make her own decision on whether she wants to be with him without complicating matters by making it seem like I'm presenting a date me or we can't be friends situation.

 

[dopemaster]

Have you tried flirting with her or joking about sex?

I don't see why making a move would be a a bad idea if ahe is in a shitty relationship.

When she bitches about dude treating her bad you could say "thats stupid of him, he doesn't know what he has" kind of insinuating you would treat her better.

I think if you hooked up with her she might leave him for you.

It is a bit awkward since she is dating. I remember trying to hook up with a woman I was frienda with and she was dating. She shot me down then and we dated later on. (Month later)

Sounda like you really like her. Well I guess ask yourself whether you would rather try and possibly succeed or not and all that goes along with that or never try and definitely never be with her.

I don't buy all that people don't cheat thing. They do if they would rather be with someone else especially if the relationship is fucked anyways.

Me personally, I would try flirting and then make a move sooner or later. I suppose if shit is disastrous just apologize. If ahe is your friend she won't get that mad or maybe she will just need time to think.

I personally would hate to be friends with a woman I was in love with. I have been friends with women and it has grown into more. I usually make my feelings known if i think i would like to date a woman. It is good to bide your time.

Just remember all is fair in love and war. You are playong for keeps right? so I wouldn't give a fuck about her bf or really even weigh that as a factor. But that is just me and I am willing to lose friends over a woman.

 

[ATLL765]

Have you tried flirting with her or joking about sex?

I don't see why making a move would be a a bad idea if ahe is in a shitty relationship.

When she bitches about dude treating her bad you could say "thats stupid of him, he doesn't know what he has" kind of insinuating you would treat her better.

I think if you hooked up with her she might leave him for you.

It is a bit awkward since she is dating. I remember trying to hook up with a woman I was frienda with and she was dating. She shot me down then and we dated later on. (Month later)

Sounda like you really like her. Well I guess ask yourself whether you would rather try and possibly succeed or not and all that goes along with that or never try and definitely never be with her.

I don't buy all that people don't cheat thing. They do if they would rather be with someone else especially if the relationship is fucked anyways.

Me personally, I would try flirting and then make a move sooner or later. I suppose if shit is disastrous just apologize. If ahe is your friend she won't get that mad or maybe she will just need time to think.

I personally would hate to be friends with a woman I was in love with. I have been friends with women and it has grown into more. I usually make my feelings known if i think i would like to date a woman. It is good to bide your time.

Just remember all is fair in love and war. You are playong for keeps right? so I wouldn't give a fuck about her bf or really even weigh that as a factor. But that is just me and I am willing to lose friends over a woman.

Wouldn't be the first time I "stole" someone's girl, but I'm just trying to be as respectful as possible because as my friend she deserves that. I love her as a friend as we've been there for each other through a lot over the years, but I'm not in love with her, so it's not like it would be totally devastating to be rejected.

I don't think I could even tell you what flirting looks like, so no and if I tried to joke about sex, I'd turn about as bright red as you could imagine. While I'm not a very conservative person in reality, I'm very reserved in what I'll say, especially about sex. I just get all kinds of nervous with that topic, with the actual activity it's even worse until I'm very comfortable with that person. This is what I'm hoping lots of alcohol might fix, but probably won't.

As far as her boyfriend treating her badly, it's not like he's an asshole. I've met him a few times and her concerns lie more with the lack of progress in the relationship after being with him so long rather than him doing something particularly wrong.

This is all an exercise in futility as I can tell you how this will go. We'll go out, have a nice night, I'll get hammered, end up not saying or doing anything, be disappointed, want to get high, make a stop to see my guy after the game since we'll be in Newark as is and then be pissed at myself.

 

[pofacedhoe]

Have you tried flirting with her or joking about sex?

I don't see why making a move would be a a bad idea if ahe is in a shitty relationship.

When she bitches about dude treating her bad you could say "thats stupid of him, he doesn't know what he has" kind of insinuating you would treat her better.

I think if you hooked up with her she might leave him for you.

this

 

[ATLL765]

I just gotta not think about it so much. That's my problem. I spend so much time trying to figure out the perfect way to do something by thinking of every possible scenario and it's outcome, which is impossible so I never actually act. I fucking hate always being so nervous about anything. Anything from an important job interview to a routine appointment with my GP makes me nervous.

I wish I still had an rx for xanax. I refuse to take SSRIs or SNRIs or anything of the sort that Drs push on me and that requires I take it every day then either taper or suffer from withdrawal to get off it. Just wanna be able to take something when I need it and not when I don't so I can live a normal life where I'm not constantly worked up and afraid of everything. It makes me angry because I fuck things up when I get nervous. When I'm calm, I think clearer, speak more intelligently and am more quick witted, but when I'm nervous I trip over my thoughts and things just never come out the way I want them to. I can't stand it, it drives me absolutely nuts.

 

[someonelse]

just have fun with your friend.

 

[ATLL765]

Tonight Is the Night...

Well, tonight is the big night! I really shouldn't be up so late, especially since I stayed up all night yesterday shooting coke and didn't sleep the night prior to that either, but my insomnia gets even worse when I'm stressed or anxious.

She had contacted me today via text asking what the plan was for the day and I mentioned that we should meet up by 3pm to give us enough time to get a late lunch/dinner, get to Newark by 5ish so we can have some drinks at the bar before the game starts at 7:15.

I mentioned that there was a nice sushi place near me and that we should eat there if that was alright with her. I had planned on paying for everything tonight and when she mentioned that she didn't have money, I said not to worry about it, that it wasn't a problem. However, after mentioning the lack of money, she said she'd prefer to eat at home before she met me. I was probably over analyzing things, but I became concerned that she really just didn't want to go out to eat with me and that the lack of money was just a convenient excuse to avoid it.

I was concerned about seeming too pushy or overbearing, but a few hours later I asked her if she was sure that she didn't want to get something to eat with me before the game. She replied that it was up to me as I would be the one paying. I told her that the money was no issue and that it would be a worthwhile expenditure in order to share dinner and a conversation with her.

I'm still not sure if she just said ok to appease me or not, but hopefully she genuine enjoys spending the time with me and enjoys the evening out. I'm also hoping all else goes well for the evening. I figured that eating at a nice sushi restaurant would be reason enough to dress well, a dress shirt, pants, tie. A suit jacket may be too much, but I figure I'll wait to see what she's wearing to make the final decision and I could always come up with an excuse as to why I overdressed for the occasion. Something along the lines of I had a job interview, etc. Although I'm not sure lying is the best policy, I want to look nice for her and our night out since I figure being overdressed is better than appearing too casual if I'm trying to turn this more into a date than just friends hanging out.

Ugh, I hate being so paranoid and nervous, but I want so badly for things to go as well as possible tonight. It'd also be nice if the Devils could not shit the bed and blow another lead to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory....c'mon boys, I need all the help I can get tonight and a win is reason to stop by a bar after the game to celebrate/spend more time with this girl instead of driving straight home.

 

[adrenalinerushes]

how attractive are you? dying to know