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I thought I was tough

GodandLove

GodandLove

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 7, 2013
Messages
1,563
I was supposed to be the BIG MAN! I was supposed to COME OUT ON TOP!

OH how far and oh how hard I've fallen.

I feel so low, stressed, and depressed. I've never felt like this before, and I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid my stamina has worn thin. I've even depleted my reserves.

I don't know what's going to happen to me. I arrogantly ventured out into the deep end, and I don't even know how to swim.

God, if you're reading this, please save me.

Is anyone out there?

I need a lifeguard....I need help.

I feel like I'm just a baby. A helpless infant.

Mom WHERE ARE YOU!?

HELP!?


I want to understand what's going on with me.

I'm just not sure of anything anymore. I cant even think right about anything.

I feel old fashioned.

I've got no one, and nothing.

I've been inside a lot, going back and forth, to and fro.


Well, I need someone to talk to.
 
At the root of your issues, it appears, resides an illusory sense of necessity—needing a confidant, needing more than nothing or no one, needing a lifeguard, needing to make sense of things, needing a god and needing it to hear your pleas and petitions. The depression, dismay, frustration, and consternation are all side effects of a supererogatory sense of necessity—a disease of unbridled velleity.

It's an ancient affliction, attested since time immemorial and it plays a major role in Buddhist philosophy and some Hindu denominations. But modernity, with its extreme emphasis on materialism, productivism, and the éclat of selfhood, has exacerbated this disfunction to a newer, much higher tier of intensity.

When one ceases to need or rids themselves of want, a curious thing results. One no longer feels forlorn or bereft, empty nor void. They discover the absence of avarice leads to the acquisition of fulfillment.
 
Nom de Plume said:
When one ceases to need or rids themselves of want, a curious thing results. One no longer feels forlorn or bereft, empty nor void. They discover the absence of avarice leads to the acquisition of fulfillment.
Click to expand...

Well said and totally true

Nice post.. best one i have read in quite some time.

a disease of unbridled velleity
Click to expand...

Great choice of words here.. at first glance they presented like oil and water, but really they are oil and flame.
 
Nom de Plume said:
At the root of your issues, it appears, resides an illusory sense of necessity—needing a confidant, needing more than nothing or no one, needing a lifeguard, needing to make sense of things, needing a god and needing it to hear your pleas and petitions. The depression, dismay, frustration, and consternation are all side effects of a supererogatory sense of necessity—a disease of unbridled velleity.

It's an ancient affliction, attested since time immemorial and it plays a major role in Buddhist philosophy and some Hindu denominations. But modernity, with its extreme emphasis on materialism, productivism, and the éclat of selfhood, has exacerbated this disfunction to a newer, much higher tier of intensity.

When one ceases to need or rids themselves of want, a curious thing results. One no longer feels forlorn or bereft, empty nor void. They discover the absence of avarice leads to the acquisition of fulfillment.
Click to expand...

You know what nom de plum, I really wish you were a girl, matter of fact, I WANT you to be a girl.... I really do. I wish I could kiss you. I would like to do other stuff to you as well.

So how does one go about ridding themselves of "want"?

Now look, I'm wanting again.

I want to rid myself of "want".

Irony.

Nice haw.

Nah, but really your flashy grammar and vocabulary and use of words that went out of date in the 17th century is touching.

It's a nice sentiment.

Buuuut...

Way off.


I'm tired and I have to lie down, I'll be back tomorrow.
 
A need of validation should have been mentioned, too, supposedly. The crestfallen fellow feels best when his need for pity and sympathy is met. Otherwise, he'll invest more energy battling and berating those few who refuse to saccharinely and unctuously indulge them in their self-pity and sullenesss than they ever would on working on not being pitiable.

How saddening the sufferer is when he cares for nothing but recognition of his suffering.
 
Mate, we are all here for you. Just tell us more.

Just hang in there and be strong. Take control
 
Nom de Plume said:
How saddening the sufferer is when he cares for nothing but recognition of his suffering.
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You do realize that's not just a shot at me, but everyone who's ever posted in the recovery support forum?. That's a loaded statement. Of course those that suffer, require a bit of recognition. That's a loaded insult, and I know that you know that it is. You said that purposely just to piss me off.

I'm not trying to battle with you, but your use of old world synonyms is kind of irritating. I get it, you're fluent in old world dialect. But what your doing is the equivalent of a Hong Konger going into mainland China and speaking Cantonese...or vise versa. Did you know that you're the only person on this website to ever use the word "supererogatory"?

It's not like you're super smart or intelligent or anything either, you've obviously been reading out dated Websters. So don't take this as flattery, though I imagine someone with an inflated ego like yours probably will take it as such.

I'm asking you nicely, just stop please, you're not impressing anybody.

Okay now that that's taken care of.... I can elaborate more on my initial post. I was trying to be blatantly figurative. I have no problems with superficial wants or desires. It's just right now, I'm stuck in a rut. Life is really starting to get to me. In an odd way. The food sickens me, the wine has no taste.

I'm depressed, and I have no control over my limbic system. It's almost like I have tourettes of the mind, if that makes sense to you. Uncontrollable tics of sorrow. That seem to hit me out of no where. Also I've been experiencing symptoms of PBA. Bouts of crying and laughter out of no where.

That's where I'm at and what I'm experiencing.

I don't like Doctors so can't go there.

I guess I'll just have to pony up.

YEEEEEEEEE HAAAAWWWWWWWWW

RIDE EM COWBOY!


But I still want someone that I can talk to. You know like an online pen pal or something.... a moral support guide.
 
Allein said:
I wish I could help but that's just not my gig
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Well then who's gig is it huh? What am I supposed to DO? Tell me? Should I just go out and do drugs? Huh, is that it? Is that the answer? That's what them damn doctors will give meh!

Might as well just go get real drugs off the streets. At least then, I'd be supporting small business.
 
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This thread is kinda combative and we still have no clue whats going on with you G&L, well at least I dont.

I just stumbled across this..

“A man speaking sense to himself is no madder than a man speaking nonsense not to himself.”
― Tom Stoppard
 
neversickanymore said:
This thread is kinda combative and we still have no clue whats going on with you G&L, well at least I dont.

I just stumbled across this..

“A man speaking sense to himself is no madder than a man speaking nonsense not to himself.”
― Tom Stoppard
Click to expand...
Did you read this?


Okay now that that's taken care of.... I can elaborate more on my initial post. I was trying to be blatantly figurative. I have no problems with superficial wants or desires. It's just right now, I'm stuck in a rut. Life is really starting to get to me. In an odd way. The food sickens me, the wine has no taste.

I'm depressed, and I have no control over my limbic system. It's almost like I have tourettes of the mind, if that makes sense to you. Uncontrollable tics of sorrow. That seem to hit me out of no where. Also I've been experiencing symptoms of PBA. Bouts of crying and laughter out of no where.

That's where I'm at and what I'm experiencing.
Click to expand...

If that doesn't explain things for you....then umm I'm afraid, you might have a bigger problem than I.
 
Godandlove, I have no reason to doubt that you are serious here about your situation but I find myself not having a clue how to respond to someone who first appears to be asking for a dialogue and then fights with and insults anyone that tries to engage. If you want someone to talk to you can't alienate him/her right out the gate.

So just taking your OP at face value it seems that your sense of superiority has crashed down around you and you find yourself feeling alone after all. Doesn't that kind of humbling happen multiple times of day on a less dramatic scale to all of us? IMO it's a good thing, connects us one to another. What made you think you were supposed to "come out on top" and what was your vision of that lofty place?
 
Now this is a good reply... Thank you.

herbavore said:
So just taking your OP at face value it seems that your sense of superiority has crashed down around you and you find yourself feeling alone after all.?
Click to expand...

Yes

herbavore said:
Doesn't that kind of humbling happen multiple times of day on a less dramatic scale to all of us?
Click to expand...

Yes, but WITH A LOT MORE EMPHASIS on LESS DRAMATIC.

herbavore said:
What made you think you were supposed to "come out on top" and what was your vision of that lofty place?
Click to expand...

Well, that's a good question. I've been practicing various occult/meditative techniques... and uhh, I think that I just got cocky. I felt as though I was invincible, I was The Superman! Now, it appears my kryptonite is lack of human interaction. I thought I could override this primitive weakness. But it appears...I need people. I don't know why...I've been on my own forever. What makes it worse, is that I've purposely cut off and avoided all of my old friends. I told them too their faces, that I was beyond them.

Now I sit here, in my castle, on my throne, all alone.

I'll have the occasional prostitute from time to time, but as of late, I'll catch myself trying to fall in love with them, and trying to get them to fall in love with me. I spend ridiculous amounts of money on them, and I end up getting betrayed.

Don't get any wrong ideas, I mean, I can get women/transgenders through various dating channels. But I find that route exhausting. Plus, I kind of have a Love/Hate thing for "dirty women" i.e prostitutes. One minute I'm in Love with them, then the next, I'm completely disgusted by them and with myself for fornicating with them.

So, I've been bottling my emotions and they've coming up to the surface in weird ways. Like I said earlier....I've been having random bouts of laughter and crying. Tourettes like tics, not just physiological tics...but psychological/mind tics of depression, worry and anxiety.

I think I might need a change of scenery.
 
The problem with a change of scenery is..

Where ever you go there you are.

Any meaningful change needs to be made in us.. the way we think, what we value, and how we choose to percieve the world.

He who lives in harmony with himself lives in harmony with the universe.
Marcus Aurelius

Our life is what our thoughts make it.
Marcus Aurelius

Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.
Marcus Aurelius

Look within. Within is the fountain of good, and it will ever bubble up, if thou wilt ever dig.
Marcus Aurelius

To live happily is an inward power of the soul.
Marcus Aurelius

Its not some hard found destiny.. There is no place you can go and nothing that you can possess that will bring it for more than a fleeting glimpse .. Its always been with you, but you need to look inward to find it.
 
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